10 (Gonna Try) To Do's For February

1.  Start meal planning.
McDonald's loves me because I eat like crap, and their burgers are my default food of choice.
Them and those street dogs that are everywhere in Toronto.

2.  Eat fruits weekly.
I know how sad this is, but truly if I don't make myself, I probably won't remember the last time I had fruit.  Very sad times indeed.

3.  Exercise weekly.
Running up or down the stairs to catch the subway because I'm running late in the morning, yet again, does not count.

4.  Start sleeping at 10:30pm again.
One month of travelling has turned my entire sleeping routine topsy turvy, and I was too lazy in January to reclaim it.

5.  Start eating breakfast, the meal of champions again.

6.  Post one sketch weekly.
I've been drawing quite a lot, and I've been meaning to share the fun, but laziness has struck yet again.  For some reason the idea of scanning and uploading seems like such a mountain to move in my head.

7.  Start editing sets.
I've one wedding, one engagement, one shower, one maternity, and one baby shoot to edit that I know of.
I want to start...somewhere.
I also think I've forgot some shoots.

8.  Dance once a week.
Must...not...let....laziness...take away dance.

9.  Drink 8 glasses of water a day.
I've truly been neglecting the health of my body.  This shall be remedied.

10.  Clean apartment  everyday.

Under the Sea

This is one current piece that I'm working on.
Stay tuned for the finished work next week!

Giveaway!

Conundrum:  I like making jewelry, but I can't wear everything I make.

What to do?

Answer?

Giveaway!!!

A one of a kind, handmade pendant.
I will never make it again.
The process is organic.
Comes with a sterling silver 11'' chain.

Here's what you do:
Leave a comment, and I will make a draw.
Then I will mail the pendant to da winner!

Five Good Things

1.  Fuchsia Roses
You know you're a nerd/hopeless romantic sap when you buy yourself flowers.
That and you really miss Spring.
2.  Carrot Cake
This is the only "vegetable dessert" that I will go near.
Vegetables and dessert shouldn't really mix, but this is the exception.
3.  Naps
4.  The Genius Bar at the Apple Store
They were kind enough to tell me that the reason my iPhone headphone jack isn't working is because I have failed to completely shove my earbuds into the sucker.
I FAIL.  Again.
5.  Bath and Body Works Sale
This week I bought like a years' worth of hand soap.  My friend, C.G. said to me,

"You know you look OCD, right?"

Ah well, no point in hiding it.  I is crazy already.

Five Good Things

1.  New role(s) within Campus for Christ
2.  New job title: Creative Director of MyCravings Online Strategies
3.  The library
4.  Hope
5.  Umbra

This morning I woke up.  I went to my bathroom, and at the sight of newly organized lipsticks and eyeliners I thought to myself with a jolt, "I'm an adult now."  Those aren't my mom's lipsticks that I'm dying to try out and play with.

Those are mine.
Bought with my own money.
That I chose.
That I wear.

Technically I've been an "adult" for seven years now going on eight, but inside I've always viewed myself as a teen inside.  It probably didn't help that in the past four years that I've been earning my own bread and water that I've lived much like a college student so there was no lifestyle change at home to force the full mental transition from youngster college student to young adult.

But at the stroke of twenty-five something inside inexplicably clicked.
"Ok, NOW I'm growing up.  It's time to get my act together."

There's been a mental shift, or maybe plural, "shiftS".

8 Years of Hiatus Over

Ever since I can remember I've been drawing constantly. One of my first memories was my mom teaching me how to draw. I wonder if she would laugh at that now because at the time she was teaching to draw stick figures. Now I've surpassed her in skill, but I'll always owe my first drawing lessons to my mama.

Art was something I always took semi- seriously until university. I almost gave it all up because my biological father and Asian upbringing had ingrained into me the sense that since art couldn't feed you it was, and is superfluous. So after I started university I all but dropped it completely.

It grieves me that I gave up a gift from God for 8 years because of utilitarian reasons.
Here is one way that I've been created to be like Him.
I have the gift to create.
It brings me pleasure and Him pleasure.
Many people have commented that they wish they had my skills,
and here all along I've been trying to shove it under.

Throughout the years of burnout and depression He has used this gift to help revive me, and slowly I've been stripping away the lies that I've believed about art.

This new year I've started taking drawing seriously again.
Sketchbooks are filling up fast and pencils are dwindling into stubs.
And I love it.

Five Good Things

1.  The cold.  I much prefer cold over heat.
2.  Jill the roommate.
3.  Selina the roommate.
4.  Leftovers.
5.  Good Teen Lit.

Five Good Things

1.  Dinner with BFF
2.  New, sharpened  WOOD pencils (I know.  Who uses wood pencils nowadays?)
3.  Dusting off the ol' drawing skills
4.  A remnant of tasty congee that was saved for a morning such as today's
5.  Art supply stores

Five Good Things

1.  Making a new friend at church.  I mean beyond small talk.
2.  New Year cleaning and reorganizing.
3.  Surviving 9 toddlers on little sleep and no breakfast.
4.  Engagement shoot.
5.  Old music that becomes "new music" because you haven't heard it in so long.

Of Risks and Dreams

My high school motto was carpe diem- "seize the day" in latin.  

I like to think of myself as the fearless type of person who never misses an opportunity, but it just hit me this Christmas that I'm not.

I'm actually quite rick-averse.  I like to hedge my bets.  I like to have back up plans, and back up plans for my back up plans.  

I want to succeed and I am terrified of failure, but that has shaped me into the type of person who will only try something if success is guaranteed.  In other words, cowardly.

When it comes to dreaming, success is rarely guaranteed, and in the past I've always shrunk back and opted for safety and security rather than taking that risk and going forth into the unknown.   There always had to be some shred of security. 

But this year I'm going to head into the unknown and chase some dreams.

2010 Recap

2010 was a hard year.  Not as hard as the two previous, but hard nonetheless.  Yet it was not all blegh.  Hard can be good.

Top 5 Fave Happenings This Past Year

1.  Hawaii
Enough said.

2.  25th Birthday Party.
It was the sweetest and most encouraging party in my 25 years of life.

3.  BFF getting engaged.
It's like my sister getting engaged except I don't have one, which makes it all the more special.

4.  Vision Trip to South Asia
How could travelling to South Asia NOT be on here?

5.  The Small Things

New Year's Resolution

One and only one:

Less vegging.  More art.
                        More photography.
                        More sketching.
                        More painting.
                        More dancing.
                        More creating.

Five Good Things

1.  A Made By Hank wallet courtesy of my bff.
2.  A lil pug house guest also courtesy of my bff.  OMG SO cute.
3.  Meals up meals of my favourite chinese dishes courtesy of my mummy next week.
4.  Getting everything my only child heart, desires this Christmas.  I am so spoiled.
5.  Stabilizing mentally and emotionally.

Five Good Things

1. Hot showers on demand.
I always say this when I get back from an international trip.
2. Phone call with mummy dearest.
3. My own bed with my own down pillows and down comforter.
4. Being able to wander around on my own.  Yay for independence.
5. "YOU'RE BACK!!!" a.k.a. being missed.

Beating Jet Lag

I woke up an hour ago and was walking around in a daze all kerfuddled because of jet lag.  I'm ready to fall back asleep any minute now.

Must...beat...jet...lag.

So goals for today to keep me awake.

1.  Find tasty, non-bland food.
2.  Ingest copious amounts of caffeine.
3.  Have a quiet time to start processing trip.
4.  Get groceries.
5.  And here's the ambitious part:  laundry and housecleaning.

I Haven't Left the Country Yet

Today I went and bought a phrasebook in preparation for leaving the country.  I thought it would come in handy since I haven't really been overseas in a foreign country without the companionship of someone who knew the language.

S.J. came over later, and I decided to practice a few phrases on her just to make sure that I was getting the pronunciation right because it was somewhat hit and miss sounding it out from the written guide.  She patiently corrected my pronunciations, and we practiced phrases on and off throughout the night.

After we finished packing and eating we went over to her place practicing phrases along the way.  Just as we were stepping into an elevator I was asking S.J.  about negatives with my nose stuck in my  phrasebook, and who should be in the elevator but a local from the very city that I'm going to, who started giggling as soon as I stepped into the elevator.

Apparently the phrasebook had added two extra consonants to the negatives.

She agreed with S.J. about the pronunciation.  We exchanged a few pleasantries about why I was learning a certain South Asian language before she left.  And as soon as she left the elevator she erupted into giggles again.

Five Good Things

1.  Reading in bed in the mornings
2.  Eyeliner
3.  Slow mornings
4.  The ballet
5.  Pretty things

180 Degrees

It's amazing how fast situations and conditions can be changed by God within one week. 

One week ago my staff account was in dire straits. 
I wanted to go on the vision trip to keep STINT doors open, but it felt like they were slamming shut fast.
I was raising support in hope that maybe just maybe....

All the while, the depression came and went unexpectedly like a fog descending on my consciousness leaving me incapacitated as a person.  It took all my efforts to think straight.

Now, my account is nice and healthy for the most part anyways, and mentally I'm stabilizing and steadily regaining my health.

The fog of depression is lifting quickly.
I feel hope and joy again.
Life feels full and meaningful once more.
And what a relief that is.

Thank You God for meds.
 

Speechless

I am so in awe of God's GREATNESS right now.
I wish I could bottle it up, and save this understanding of how good He is for the future when I need reminders.

Oh, but He is good.

I have to say, that after all these years, I'm pretty ashamed of my fear of man, fear of failure, and fear of rejection when it comes to raising support.  It's not so much that I don't believe that God can't and won't bring the funds in, it's that I'm terrified of people's reactions, which has never been bad.  Oh me of little faith.  Thankfully for my job, I kinda have to do it.

And no, I didn't have any caffeine today.  For some reason my body likes waking me up in the middle of the night so I can blog.  Isn't it just so kind?  I might as well have an infant while I'm at it. 

Thankful

You know it's bad when you start off Monday thinking, it's so bad it can only go up from here, and it has.  I've been so loved by God and by people this past week.  It blows my mind at people's kindness.  They say what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger, and I definitely think that this past week has made my faith stronger.

Many Good Things:

1.  Roommates coming into your room early in the morning when they wake up, anxious to see that you're alright.

2.  People generously giving to send you overseas when you're the one that got yourself into that massive account deficit with your fear of man.

3.  Friends texting other friends to tell them to pray for you.

4.  Friends who listen as you detail how your weekend went down hill point by point starting with Friday afternoon.

5.  Your therapist telling you that even though subjectively you feel as if you're being dragged through hell by depression, objectively from his perspective you're actually taking quite good care of yourself and am making wise decisions.

6.  A boss who lets you drop in randomly on him and his family because you weren't doing well with depression, and then lets you drive his van home at night so you can save time going to the therapist the next day.

7.  Your regional director telling you that she sees more of Jesus in you, and that you're actually a kinder person than one year ago, and that you take more risks for God.

8.  A girl whom you disciple pipes up randomly that she prays for husbands for you and your co-leader because you're so nice and pretty.

9.  Colleagues who are willing to take on your workload unexpectedly because your mental capacity is shot from depression and stress.

10.  Friends who randomly buys you drinks.

I Quit

I quit.

Actually I didn't.  But I have wanted to. 
Many, many times in the past few years.
Heck, many, many times in the past four days. 

Forget that.

I've wanted to quit many, many times in the past few hours where the combo of my meds, green tea past the "late" hour of 12pm, and anxiety from ministry has produced a potent insomnia.

And I probably will want to quit many, many times in the hours, days, weeks, and months to come.

But if I was given the choice of any job in the world, realistically open to me, I'd still pick this one because telling people about the love of Jesus full-time is the best thing I can do with my time to bring God fame.  Right now.

And if I were to quit, it wouldn't be because I'm worn out, drained, and stressed from a crappy weekend, and a forgetful decision to drink tea past 12pm. 

Five Good Things

1.  Toddlers clasping their hands during Sunday School to pray.
SO RIDICULOUSLY cute.
2.  Lunch with church friends.
3.  People asking "How are you doing", and genuinely wanting to hear a real answer.
4.  Getting a random support check in the mail in the midst of a need.
5.  Cleaning up a storm.

and then some extras:

6.  Being prayed for by my pastor and an elder.
7.  Yammering on the phone with my mum.
She is SO RIDICULOUSLY hopeful sometimes that it's contagious especially when I lack hope.
8.  A heavenly Father Who gives better gifts than any earthly parent can.
9.  Motivation to do things.  Like cleaning my entire apartment top to bottom, doing laundry, and raising support within a span of 7 hours.  I've never been this productive even when I wasn't depressed.
10. Answered prayers.

I wish I could say that as soon as I started popping my meds, things started to look up completely.  Granted the spiraling catastrophic thought patterns have stopped, but some other symptoms continue to linger.  It does take a full two weeks for everything to fully kick in after all.

Some days are bearable and some days are still bad.

Like today.

My first thoughts were "Lord God, help," as I awoke to the day, and to the sensation of falling apart on the inside.  I managed to get out of bed to check some pressing work emails, but promptly went back to bed because I felt like I couldn't hold myself together.  There I stayed for another 3 hours, willing myself to sleep though I was not tired so I didn't have to deal with the depression. 

I went for a run later, but the despair and hopelessness that I felt still did not lift.

Then mid-afternoon it was like someone flipped a switch, and I felt like myself again.  

Depression, it baffles me.

A New Perspective

S.B. blew my mind today when we met up for coffee or in my case hot chocolate.

I was sharing with her how my biggest fear about moving overseas was that I'd spiral into depression, crash, and then burn out. I told her that it'd be one thing to be lonely and homesick, but it'd be another to lose my marbles.

But she pointed out that my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance.
That it's not mental or spiritual issues that I need to work through. It's just chemicals.
That as long as I had my meds I'd be ok.
That perhaps this was God's way of saying "I have your worst fears covered way ahead of time"?
That perhaps this was a blessing instead of a hindrance.
That perhaps this was God giving the all-clear.

Cold Feet

My proverbial feet were getting chilled before the depression symptoms arrived on the scene.
They are now officially cold.
Here's to getting some real perspective in 3 weeks.
Cheers.

November Goals

1.  Go to bed by 10:30 every night.
2.  Eat breakfast 50% of the time.  We're going to work our way up there.
3.  Read 4 books.  One a week is a good goal I think.
4.  One photo shoot of South Asia.  :)
5.  Jog 3k once a week with the one week overseas being the exception.
6.  Finish all editing from pre-November.
7.  1 hour of Arabic.  Yeah we're going to be realistic here.

Evaluating October Goals

Oh my....I can't believe November is here already.  It just seemed like yesterday that it was just the beginning of October.  


My life is flying by.


1. Finally finish setting up my room.  
It's pretty much done except for my invisible book shelves.  Once the canopy and lantern was up I was done.


2. Finish editing Leah and Matt's shoot.
Half done.   I took more than I thought.


3. Finish editing the Wong's shoot.
Also half done.

4. Get 4 hours of Arabic in. I still love this language, and I do want to learn it.
Utter FAIL.  
0 hours logged.
Although I did log 9+ hours of Bollywood movies.  More if we count all the songs that I listen to on my ipod.  If only I know what I'm singing....I can count it as learning a new language.  Well knowing how to pronounce the words is half the battle right???

5. Make one fascinator.
I started....

6. Try one new soup recipe.
FAIL.

7. Finish 3 books (Forgotten God, Tribes, The Practice of Godliness)
I finished 2.5 books.  None of the above though.

8. Clean as I go. Hopefully Frank the apt. Will stay cleaner for longer than 2 days.
I think this was more of a ongoing thing.

9. Do a fall shoot.
Didn't do a fall shoot, but Lydia and Sam's engagement shots count as a shoot.



10. Sleep before 12 on a regular basis.
I did pretty good.

The Valley of Vision

Lord, High and Holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;

Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.

-from The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions

She's Back

Oh the irony of ironies, that the very day I spoke at our weekly meeting on the topic of Meaning would be the same day that my therapist and I concluded that my struggle with depression- which manifests itself in my life as a pervading sense of immense meaninglessness, would probably be a lifelong thing since it seemed to be a chemical imbalance.

She's back.  My depression that is.

It's been 3 months since I weaned off meds.
3 months for everything to leave my system.
3 months for my body to be on its own, and not making it.
3 months for her to come back.

I didn't want to admit it for many, many reasons, but all the symptoms started to show up.
The flatness and the heaviness of the soul.
The spiralling catastrophic thought patterns, the dread, the anxiety.
The sinking feeling.

I cried, and cried, and cried, and am still crying.
At one point, in a bathroom stall (again) because even whilst grieving I couldn't resist a good cliche.  Girl, crying in a bathroom stall.
Cue cheesy music.

I cried because I felt and still feel like I've failed God.
That I didn't try hard enough to love Him enough.
That I didn't try hard enough to root out my idols.
Even though I know this is not true at all.


I cried because of oh the stigma, stigma, STIGMA,
which I only partially dealt with since I had believed  my depression was only brought on by my burnout and not a lasting thing.
Especially since I'm back on meds.

I cried because of lingering heartache that was exacerbated by depression.

I cried because I didn't want to go back to that darkness of the soul.

I grieved for "normalcy" or "wholeness" or  whatever semblance I had of it.

And so I continue to fluctuate between grief and acceptance- that this is my chance to bring Him glory by demonstrating my faith in a God who works for the good of those who love Him, in all things- even depression.

Then of course there's my sense of humour going: at least you weren't diagnosed with a terminal illness...yet.

Can I just say that today's one of those days
where I really wish that Jesus would come now.
As in this very instant.
I'm ready to go home, home.
I want to leave this broken world,
with all my brokenness, all my frustrations,
all my pains, and all my fatigue behind.
Bye, ciao, sayonara, toodles poodles, hasta la vista.


But regardless of when He comes, He will come, and...
so we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.
2 Corinthians 4:16-17

Drool

Red and Blue Sari, originally uploaded by shellieos.

Five Good Things

1. Finding parathas (North Indian flat bread) at Loblaws. Huzzah!
2. Wicked the musical. Not the book.
3. The Holy Spirit running my life on autopilot after I tuned out.
4. Skyping with one of my girls from project.
5. A great home cooked steak dinner.

YOU Follow Me

Comparison is a dangerous game, and we women play it too often.

In the area of singleness it goes like this:

"So-and-so got a boyfriend, why can't I? I'm just as (insert qualifying adjective here: smart, funny, beautiful, godly, etc... ) as her. Or even more so."

We do it because we think we have a right to a mate and throw a tizzy when we don't get one when we want one.

I know this because I've played this game.

"So-and-so got a man! Why can't I?"

And if not Shelly? What will you do? Give God an ultimatum?

More and more God has been impressing John 21:22 on me. Jesus had just foretold Peter's death, and Peter turns around and asks Jesus about John's future.

Jesus replies:
"If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!"

Along the same veins, I sense God pressing on my heart,
"If it is my will that she gets married, what is that to you? You follow me!"

People may think that I'm being fatalistic in thinking that I might never marry, but at this point a lifetime of singleness is just as possible as marriage. And I don't want to be naive, heading overseas. There may be someone to marry, but there may not be.

Five Good Things

1. Being a human chair for a 2 year old.
2. Heart to hearts.
3. Bhangra drum and drumming at the Indian restaurant.
4. Grilled green chili peppers. They burn your digestive system, but they're so good.
5. "Random" verses that pop out. Like this one:

I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears,
I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eye wastes away because of grief...
Psalm 6:6-7a

I am not the only emo Christian out there. Yay for the psalmist.

Boredom

Ok so I've noticed that boredom has started to become a recurring theme in my life. Not so much "I'm bored. Whaddya wanna do," type of bored, but bored as in "I'm bored with life," type of bored.

It's somewhat unsettling because I have yet to figure out where the heck this is coming from, and ever since burning out I usually have a good handle on my emotional pulse.

Part of me wonders if I'm such a glutton for punishment that I actually get bored when there's a reprieve from the storms of life. Or maybe to put a positive spin on it, it's because I thrive on changes and challenges, and there hasn't been much of that this year.

And I think one of the reasons why I'm so emotionally drained is because I'm...bored. That, and I'm still working on figuring out what it practically means to have Jesus as my joy in everything. Read "in being single."

Shoulds, Wants, and Needs

The activities that occupy my day have been subconsciously divided up into 3 categories: Shoulds, Wants, and Needs.

Shoulds- Things that are my responsibility, that I ought to get done. i.e. ministry responsibilities.

Wants- Things that I want to do, like going to see Wicked, the musical.

Needs- Things that I need to do to keep my sanity. i.e. stay home and be a hermit.

When I told this to my counsellor he suggested a change. Apparently there is something to a name. To help manage stress, my counsellor suggested that I rename two of them shoulds- to Ministry and needs to Self-Care. So renamed they are.

Unfortunately if this was a Venn diagram on Graph Jam, none of the circles would intersect. I can't stay home and go see a musical at the same time. And unfortunately ministry drains me.

Sadly September was filled mostly with Ministry and Wants and little of Self-Care. Warning bells started ringing and red flags started waving when I felt suffocated every time I looked at my weekly schedule, and wondered, "when am I going to have a chance to breathe?" So now I have to take drastic measures to fill up my emotional tank or else pay hell in the future with my sanity.

Can I just say that it's not easy enforcing hermit status on yourself when your roommates and teammates are some of the funnest people around? It's only been day two of hermit status and I've already declined two invitations to hang out. TWO! And more to come. I hate the thought that I'm missing out on fun and inside jokes.

Not to say that staying home is bad. There is a reason why I need to. Many actually. And since I did stay home tonight instead of traipsing out on the town, I have shiny, mint green nails to show for it.

Pats on my back.

This is part of growing up I suppose. Choosing wisely over choosing emotionally.

Singleness and Marshmallows

My desire for a relationship can be compared to that marshmallow experiment that they do with kids.

You know the one where they give a kid a marshmallow, tell her that if she waits, she'll get two more later.  Me being the kid and a man being the marshmallow, and the husband being the second marshmallow.

I've had so many older people tell me if I wait the right guy will come along and then I'll be so happy that I didn't settle for just anyone.

I had and have a hard time believing them.
So I would dive for that first marshmallow whenever I got the chance.
Also because I would think that the first marshmallow was the second marshmallow.
Still following the marshmallow analogy?

This is all to say, I'm seriously impatient amongst other things.


This is why my mum worries.  Can't blame her now. 

What It All Came Down To Part 3

I've been really getting comfortable in a bad sense in Toronto these past few years.
Since joining staff I haven't really taken a major leap of faith where God would have to show up or else...

At one point my heart turned from world missions to a lakeside loft, interior decorating, and just making myself comfortable and happy. And that is not where I want to be. I'm not condemning buying a house and decorating it, I'm just saying that for me to not do missions would be to sear my conscience.

God's calling on my life has been loud and clear, and I cannot run from it.
And believe you me, I've tried.

Toronto was never meant to be my final destination on this earth, it was just a stopover.

Love Languages

I have observed over the past few weeks that the way that I receive love has shifted.  All the love languages are important to me, but relatively words of affirmation make a greater deposit of love into my life than the others.  But when I say words of affirmation I don't mean random general ego boosters, but sincere words of truth spoken in love.

I'm really surprised that it has shifted because I never really thought anything would trump acts of service, but I suppose different life stages warrants different things.

So in order of importance:  

1.  Words of Affirmation
2.  Acts of Service
3.  Gifts
4.  Physical Touch
5.  Quality Time

Go ahead love on me!

I hate to say this, but I find singleness chafing and wait for it, hard.
Surprise!
This has probably been blatantly obvious to everyone around me, but it was only recently today that I could actually admit to myself that I found it hard because I didn't want to admit it.
Because to admit it, would be admitting to weakness. Or at least in my mind anyways.
And to admit it might mean that I might be that girl*, and I'd hate to be that girl.  Although there's been many times this year where I've been that girl to my chagrin.  Anyways I digress.

For me singleness at its worst has been heartbreaking and at its best has been ignored.   And by "ignored" I mean me walking around ignoring that gnawing hunger inside, pretending it's not there, that it doesn't bother me, and that I don't really want a man.  That is what we call a dumb idea.


I honestly haven't had a very clear idea what it means to bring it to the Lord.  I've had some vague ideas for sure, but when it came down to what it tangibly entailed,  I had and still have no clue.  That gaping hole, that gnawing hunger, that overpowering desire, that screams to be filled, I didn't and I don't know what to do with it.   I didn't want to be all "Jesus is my boyfriend," because I don't think that's it and so the best I could muster was the cold shoulder because I didn't want to figure what it really meant to bring it to the Lord either.

I was scared that Jesus might not really fulfill me, and that if He did, that, that would mean no husband for me later.

I know, idolatry, I know.

Yet I still kept it as a pet, and refused to deal with it.

Earlier this year my pastor had gently and lovingly exhorted me to be patient during this season.  It went something along the lines of...
"I've seen many a staff woman get derailed because of this.  He'll come.  Let him grow up more, and in the meantime you can grow up a little yourself." 

I took his words to heart, and it's been reverebrating in my mind ever since.  I've seen the depravity of my own heart and the darkness of my own soul, and I know that it's only by the grace of God that I haven't been derailed yet, but if I continue to keep a pet sin....  

After a sound rebuke from the Lord last week...and boy was it loud and clear,  I figured that it was really time to get serious about surrendering this area to God instead of dilly dallying.

So where to start?
Thinking of singleness as fasting. 

 *How to explain?  that girl encompasses all the traits of the girl, a girl doesn't want to be.  I think every girl has their own concept of that girl.

I've started many a sentence tonight.
Then deleted.
And then typed some more, and then deleted.

My mind is full of thoughts swirling around...

But my mental capacity isn't up to the task of putting them to words. Actually it's been quite feeble of late. So many grammatical mistakes in my tweets and posts. But anyways...

This is all to say:

I wanted to blog, but was too tired to write anything coherent so I wrote this instead.

Thanks for reading.

October Goals

Goals are good when your life and identity aren't defined by them.

1. Finally finish setting up my room.
2. Finish editing Leah and Matt's shoot.
3. Finish editing the Wong's shoot.
4. Get 4 hours of Arabic in. I still love this language, and I do want to learn it.
5. Make one fascinator.
6. Try one new soup recipe.
7. Finish 3 books (Forgotten God, Tribes, The Practice of Godliness)
8. Clean as I go. Hopefully Frank the apt. Will stay cleaner for longer than 2 days.
9. Do a fall shoot.
10. Sleep before 12 on a regular basis.

On Missions

It saddens and frustrates me that when most people consider missions, if at all, their initial thoughts revolve around themselves, myself included.

Do I feel like going?
Can I handle the stress?
What about my family and friends?
How will I fare?
I'm going to miss home so much.
I'm going to die from the culture shock.
Who the heck am I going to marry over there?


(These thoughts continuously cycle through my mind like a broken record player.)


So many people I've talked to, their reasons for not going were somewhere along the lines of, it's going to be uncomfortable for me, and I can't handle it so therefore I'm not called to go, thank you very much.  Again, myself included.
Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for making sure you're emotionally stable and mature before you jet overseas.  That's very important, but I don't think that's the main reason why the labourers are few.

The main reason is because we're selfish.

Unless God has specifically called us to stay and send, all the above points are moot because we serve an all-mighty, all-knowing, all-loving God, with who anything is possible.   I'm not saying He's going to make everything comfortable.  I'm saying He'll sustain you through the difficulties.  Be it hot weather, beatings, or the lack of a mate.

And can I just say that our most common excuses don't hold up under the costs of discipleship listed in the Bible?

Nowhere does it say if it's too uncomfortable you can stay and not go.
Jesus says again and again,

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me."

But somehow we forget to figure that in.

The worst excuse is "but I'm not called."


Really?  Take a gander at Matthew 28:18-21.
How can we say we're not called when there are billions, literally billions of people perishing?
Is that excuse really going to stand up before Jesus when we meet Him?


Let's reverse our psychology.
Let's GO unless God closes the door and stops us.

In My Head

Scenario: Thinking in my head puttering around my apartment.

Me:  It's a little boring not having someone to like.  There's no excitement.  There's no one to look forward to seeing.
Me (Voice of Reason): Wait...no.  Are you saying that you miss and want the drama?!?!


Pause.
My heart seizes up in a mad panic.


Me:  Oh yeah...No.  No, no more drama.  I'm gonna go watch Shahid Kapoor dance now.


I have to admit there is that thrill when you start liking someone, when you see him, talk to him, etc...
But then how easily I forget how fast it goes downhill when the waters get murky murky.

Morale of the story: Girls are stupid too.

25

25.
Twenty five.
Two.  Five.

Wow.  I can't believe we're here already.  And of course by "we" I mean "me".

25.

25 has always been a BIG birthday in my mind growing up along with
10 (double digits baby),
16 (sweet  16),
18 (officially an adult),
20 (the twenties!!!),
and I didn't really want to think about it after that because in my mind it all went downhill after the big 2-5.

25.  Man.

25 has always been a very daunting birthday because I had always felt pressured by our culture to "have it all together" by this time.

I'm suppose to have "arrived" by now.

Not only that, but there were also self-imposed expectations to be so incredibly accomplished that I would stand out above the crowd.

25.

The expectations were so, that as I inched closer to 25, I would have mini panic attacks every time I evaluated my life.  Followed by much self-loathing, much condemnation, much guilt, and much despair.  Then by the grace of God,  a few years ago, a little something called "burnout" happened....

25.

I don't have it all together.
I don't have it all figured out.
I don't think I ever will.

And I'm so ok with that.

Life will always be a journey...until I die.
God will always be teaching me and refining me.
I'm excited to see what He'll do, and follow Him wherever He calls.

25.

By God's grace you have become a birthday of hope instead a birthday of despair.

Tears

As I proceed more and more with this whole, "I'm packing up my life and moving next year" bit I keep thinking that next year will be full of tears, and I'm ok with that.  It's part of the transition.

I told J.S. today that I can fully see myself one month in, sobbing over McDonald's chicken nuggets wailing, 

"I miiiiiiiissss Canada."

As one STINTer told me: "Expect the worst.  Hope for the best."

If I'm challenging students to go for broke in missions, by God's grace I should be able to do the same.

On a side note: the fact that I can facebomb anyone at a click does comfort me.

What the God of Love Can Do

Though afflicted, tempest tossed,
comfortless awhile thou art,
do not think thou can be lost,
thou art graven on my heart;
all thy wastes I will repair;
thou shalt be rebuilt anew;
and in thee it shall appear
what the God of love can do.

Pensive, Doubting, Fearful Heart by John Newton

I am often tempted to think that the past two years have been eaten by the locusts of burnout and depression.

Wasted.
Gone.
Never to be reclaimed.

So I cried when the Lord started whispering to my heart in the spring, "not so."

And in the summer, "not so."

"I am repairing and building you up for something more."
"You will see what I can do."

I am seeing what the God of love can do with two years of darkness, and I am amazed.
That He can use two years of darkness to heal the brokenness of 20 some odd years.
That He can use two years of shattered pieces and hopelessness to bring wholeness and hope.
That He is rebuilding anew.

 So again when He whispered this morning, "You will see what I can do..."

I cried.

Five Good Things

1.  Editing photos.  It's like icing a cupcake after you've baked it.
2.  Fresh flowers.  Even better when they're free.  Except when you find a slug, an inchworm, and an ant crawling on them afterward.
3.  Taking some sweet time to connect with the Lord, process, and process, and process.
4.  Finally tackling that mountain of admin work that's been hanging over your head like a guillotine.
5.  Drinking all the yummy tea I want.

If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love.*

*For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly.

If by Amy Carmichael

So South Asia, Eh? What It All Came Down To Part 2

South Asia was a gut decision.

I knew I wanted to stay with my organization because I knew they would take care of me if anything happened overseas.  They wouldn't leave me for dead.

I knew I wanted to go and was called to the 10/40 window.

So that left me with 3 choices:

North Africa

East Asia

South Asia

North Africa was and is still a place I would love to visit, but what pull it had for me to move there permanently, was eclipsed by the pull for South Asia.

Everyone had me pegged for East Asia.  I had me pegged for East Asia.  But being there this past summer I couldn't see me staying longer than 3 years, and I have to be honest, I really don't like moving around.  I had initially considered moving there next year, this past summer...because they were sending to South Asia, but since we're already going there, I figure might as well bypass the middle man.

So South Asia.

There was and there is this inexplicable pull to the immense brokenness that exists in general and also to the brokenness caused by the prevalent religious system.    

The new city model of ministry drew me.

The pioneering aspect of the partnership intrigued me.  

I saw long term potential.  i.e.   5+ years.  Remember, I hate moving.  For a movement to develop, continuity is key.  Someone needs to stay to learn from mistakes, not repeat them, and pass on the wisdom to newbies.

The fact that the city has an arts scene helped too.  

As well as the fact that I drool buckets over the local food, and can't get enough.  I'm seriously looking forward to eating copious amounts without paying the big bucks that I do here in Canada.  

But I'm not going to lie,  I will probably be McDonald's best customer in that city by the end of the year.

I think I'm crazy for wanting to do this, and whenever I pass South Asians on campus (which is quite a lot), I often ask myself, "Are you sure?  They're moving here."

But no one else is clamoring to go.

The Birthday List

As requested by my roommates because apparently it actually helps the shopping process.

1.  A huge pot that can hold enough soup for 20 people because I can't cook in small quantities

2.  Pretty headbands from Forever 21

3.  Blank Canvases

4.  Coconut Cream Chai from Tealish

5.  Jasmine/Gardenia/Plant/Flowers  

6.  Red Wine

7.  Big Bang Theory Season 2 and 3

8.  Top 40/Bollywood Music

9.  Books

10.  Lots, lots, and lots of attention.  I am an only child.
11.  Thoughtful, well-written, meaningful birthday cards.  
12.  Laughter

Matt and Leah Engaged!

What I love the most about engagement shoots is that the love between the two people is so palpable even if they don't feel comfortable in front of the camera.  All I have to say is, forget the camera look at each other, and then voila.

Matt and Leah were soo super cute and in love.  It was suppose to be the "hardest" shoot for me thus far according to Matt since he doesn't like the camera, but man it was one of the easiest shoots.  Granted I've only done 3 engagements in total, but all things considered, they were such pros!

Sometimes I think:

"I'd feel sorry for my husband if we got married past 35. 'Sorry, honey, you missed out on my prime.  I was much hotter ten years ago.'"

One of my brown friends needs to get married fast because I want to wear this without being too much of a poser.  (Pun not intended.)

So pretty!!!  Love being a girl.

Too Good To Be True

Sometimes...actually quite a few times since the start of this semester, I've thought to myself, "things are too good to be true."  For once everything is going relatively well in all areas of my life, and I have absolutely no complaints.

And this scares the crap out of me. 
Maybe it's because I'm a conspiracy theorist at heart.
Maybe it's because I'm a realist.
Maybe it's because I went through so much stuff in life already that the lack of crap is unsettling.

But I keep asking myself "What is the worst case scenario?"
And the answer is, my mum passing away suddenly.
With the multiple sudden deaths of the fathers of a few friends in the past months, combined with my mum's increasing heart problems, the worse case scenario seems quite likely.

I keep wanting to prepare for it, because death is pretty much inevitable, but I don't think it's something you can brace yourself for.

It's the one thing that can really knock me down, and just thinking about it scares me silly. 
My heart sinks.
My stomach knots up, and threatens to expel everything that I just ate today.
My tear ducts starts to rev up.

It doesn't help that she's super worried and talks about dying, fretting over the fact that there will be no one left to take care of me when she passes away. 
"Who's going to marry you when you're traipsing around the world?  
Then what will you do when I pass?  
I wouldn't worry so much if you went overseas with someone.  A strong man who can take care of you."
Genuinely worried. 


I can't do anything to relieve her worries either unless I order a groom online, but I don't think that's what she's going for.

ARGH!
Lessons in trust.

I need to trust that God is sovereign, and He has her life in His hands.
I need to trust God with her anxiety instead of taking them on myself.
I just need to trust.

Conviction

The Holy Spirit has been working overtime in my life this past month.

He's pointed out that:

1) I am more vindicative than I ever thought I was.

2) My temper is a lot worse than I thought it was.

3) I'm actually a bigger jerk, than I thought I was.

4) I'm actually quite unloving.

5) I'm more arrogant than I thought I was.

SO many  DOH! moments, but it's encouraging to feel and accept conviction because for a good long while I was running away from it and ignoring it.  Bad idea, I know.

But the bright light here is that there is hope that God is still working in me.

Filial Piety

My poor mum adores me to death.
She misses me terribly, and the only thing she wants in this world is for me to move closer.
We have this conversation every time we call, and to my chagrin, rare are the times when I can keep my cool.

Her: "You're just staying in Toronto for your friends."
Me: "Uh...I'm planning on moving overseas to Asia next year.  Like I have so many friends over there."
Her: "But you only have one mother in this lifetime, won't you regret it when I pass away?"
Me: "I'm more concerned that I'll regret wasting this life, and not investing in eternity."
Her: "Don't you want to live for me?"
Me: "I'm living for Jesus, not for you."
Her: "In the chinese mindset you'd be considered unfilial, and cold."
Me: "Do you really think that I don't love you?"

Long silence.


She sounds so sad on the phone, and so what do I do?
Be even more of a jerk face and a half, and get terse with her.

The morale of the story?
It's one thing not to let your parents dictate your life, and to follow where God leads.
It's another to be a complete, insensitive jerk instead of helping them take that step of faith to let you follow Him.

Dearest Self,

I finally like you for you. 
I mean, really like you. 
It's comfortable, it's enjoyable, and it's freeing.

You are a good person to be in the sense that I no longer want to be that someone else so I can fit in, gain approval, feel significant, and be loved.
I like all your quirks (and there are many), your talents, your personality (loud), your passions, and yes, even your occasional neurotic obsessive compulsive behavior. 
(You don't really need to have a specific pen just for the purpose of filling out forms, but hey I'll live.)


I'm glad that hard times has taught you to find true satisfaction and true joy in Jesus.
I'm glad burnout broke you down so that Christ could build you back up without the chains and shackles 
I wouldn't want it any other way.

I know you're not perfect. 
You're learning to find the balance between your newly found freedom to be yourself and not crossing the line into sin.
And not being obnoxious.
You are far, far, faaaar from being like Jesus, but
I'm learning to show you grace, and also to not stand in the way of God's grace to you.

 I like you.

Sincerely,
Me

What I Want, What I Really, Really Want [Cravings Part. 1]

Nothing derails my entire person, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as a lack of meaning can.

What I crave the most in life is a sense of destiny, a sense of purpose, and a sense of significance.

I think most people would've pegged my deepest craving as love.  The romantic kind.
Heck, I would've even pegged my deepest craving as love.
Just take a look at all the "I'm so heartbroken" posts on this blog.
And if my mum and my friends could say something, they would probably say:
"And remember all that griping, all that ranting, all those tears and snotty noses. "

I do crave it, but on closer examination, the lack of a boy who's in love with me doesn't throw me as much as the lack of knowing that my life is counting for something.

Losing my heart made me cry a lot.
Losing my sense of purpose caused me to burnout, manifest depressive symptoms, and experience a prolonged darkness of the soul.

It is this pursuit of meaning that has driven me all my life.
It is this pursuit of purpose that has impacted every major life decision.
It is this pursuit of significance that brought me to God.

What It All Came Down To Part 1

I think most people are freaked out about my decision and desire to move to South Asia next year or at the very least concerned because for them it came out of the left field.

Surprisingly, my mom has been one of the most accepting, although she has been bargaining with me regarding the number of years.  


"Just one?  Ok, no more than two.  You'll come back after two?"

This response is totally legitimate because this decision and this desire hasn't been something that the verbal processor has verbalized, and then all of a sudden BOOM after a month of a "mid-life crisis".


So I understand why people are questioning my sanity and or motives.  
People are always questioning my sanity.
Sooo...I'm trying not be irked by the questions, and if I am, it literally is, just me, and not you.


Anyways, the short of it.


What it came down to after a month and a half of living in uncertainty and anxiety was this,


"Shelly."
"Yes, Lord?"
"Sweetheart, do you remember what you said to me at the end of project this year?"
 "I said that, 'If I had a thousand lives, Lord, I'd give it all to missions."


I had meant every single word.


As for South Asia, well that's been officially cooking in my head for a year now.

This Is Why I'm Still Single

Tonight I spent 4 hours in line rushing the premier of the Black Swan at the TIFF.

In four hours I managed to:
1) Get someone kicked out of line because they butted right. in. front. of. me.
2) Almost get a scalper arrested because he was selling one ticket for triple the price.
C'mon man at least be smart about it if you're going to scalp.
3) Get interviewed by a reporter after stomping to the front of the line to complain, yet again that people were butting.
4) All in all raise a bit of hell.

This is why boys don't want to date me.
And the people in line agreed.

This is also why my boss once said, "I'm really glad you're a Christian [because of the things you'd do if you weren't.]

In case you were wondering; I took it as a compliment and was very pleased.

Oh and, no we didn't get to go see the film.

Missing Out

Yesterday B.F. caught me off guard with the question,

"Has the start of the year been a good for you?"


The answer was unquestionably, yes. Or should've been.
I've never started a year off on staff in such a good head space.
Yet, I hemmed and hawwed for a few confused seconds before yammering out my answer, seemingly trying to convince myself in the process.

Mentally I went through a quick evaluation.
Personally, I was good, yes.
Ministry, was great, yes.
Familial relationships, fabulous, yes.
Community, fantastic, yes.
Loving Jesus, yes.

So what was the hesitation for?

Physically I was bombed, and the frenetic pace of the past three weeks drained all of my emotional reserves, and left me figuratively heading for the hills so I could hermit away in some cave.

Weekends zoomed by while I scrambled to try to fill that emotional gas tank before Monday arrived.

'Tis a conundrum as I absolutely need alone time to recharge, but the social butterfly in me now feels jipped by my prudent self when I turn down invitations or purposely not make plans.  It was one thing to turn down invitations when I was burnt out, and didn't want to go out.  It's another thing when I want to do everything, but can't, because unfortunately I am human and cannot be omnipresent.  Dang it!

It's Official!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It's OFFICIAL!!!
My best friend is engaged!!!

FINALLY.

This is the culmination of much girl talk.

I've been waiting for "the call" for years now even before she met her fiance, wondering who will it be, what will it be like, and when will it happen because engagement means the end of much.

It means:

No more "Does he like me, does he not?"
aka uncertainty.
No more lamenting "But whhhhyyy doesn't he like me?"
aka unrequited feelings.
No more boy drama in that sense in general, and can we all give an amen to that? AMEN.
No more "But how long Lord?" or sometimes "WTF?! Where the hell is he, God?" 
aka no more waiting whilst sitting in the dark.
No more loose ends!


*All the italics are mine own thoughts.

Engagement also means the start of much.

The start of:

A whole genre of girl talk that is very dear and close to my artsy heart: wedding planning.
Actually genres, there are more that I shan't list.  Tee-hee.
A whole new life together for them.
A pug. *
Dress shopping, and shopping in general.
Presents.  Presents galore.  For her, not me, but I get to do the shopping, so see above.

* He gave her a pug, her favourite type o' doggie.   Whilst I think the majority are ugly, I am determined to like this one.

I am floating on cloud nine, and am in a tizzy.
No other wedding will ever mean this much to me except for my own.

Five Good Things

1.  Coconut Cream Chai Tea
2.  TIFF
3.  Homebaked cookies from friends.
4.  Fall soups
5.  Theatre acting classes

Sometimes I do wonder...
If I am meant to be single, when will I ever give up on being married or would I always cling to that small shred of..."maybe"?

What would it look like to give up hope completely?
Scary, I should think.

It would be nice to go overseas with someone, especially if you're going to a place with few people that share your faith, and especially if it's for the long haul, and not just a year or two.

But I'm not about to wait for a husband before I go. 
Who am I to put conditions on God, and dilly dally when billions are perishing?
C'mon now.

Yet despite my sometimes snide, cynical, and bitter misgivings about guys and romance, which I am trying to curb, there is still hope burning inside.  

Not hope in what I see because I can't see very far.
Not hope in ratios and probabilities because next year is about to dramatically reduce my chances.
Not hope in my wiles because...what wiles?

But hope that my Lord is all over this.
Like white on rice.
That He totally knows what He's doing.
That somewhere out there in that huge world,
He's saved one great guy for me.

Dibs for Shelly.

And so in faith, not arrogant presumption,
I write my future hubby letters and postcards.
I save him pictures.
I joke with my friends about engagement presents.
We laugh about me being a submissive and quiet housewife. 
(The kicker lies in the quiet, not the submissive.  Believe it or not, I will submit.)
I make sure my BFF is willing to traverse the Pacific Ocean if I get married overseas.

Oh, Us Girls

Girls, in our bid for love, sometimes we immaturely ask the wrong questions, and we set the wrong standards. 

As we go through our mental checklist we ask:

"Is he good enough?"

Then we either fall into one of two errors:
1) In desperation, we quickly "pass" the guy and settle for good enough. 
As in, "Yeah I'm tired of waiting, of holding out, so yeah he's good enough."

Or

2) In arrogance, we decide no, he's not the Prince Charming we've been dreaming of.
As in, "No, you don't meet all of my 1,001 expectations of who exactly I want to marry.  As if."

(I know I'm making grand and sweeping generalizations, but it's late and I don't really want to write a lengthy post.)

I wonder if the better question to ask would be

"Is he the best fit for me, and vice versa?"

Because that would guard against both extremes of settling for someone who doesn't fit, and having unrealistic expectations.

As in, "Yeah, you've got all the proper, orthodox theology, but are we even on the same wavelength???"

As in, "Yeah, you're not Brad Pitt or Mark Driscoll, or whoever, but I'm not Jennifer Aniston either." 

Dear Heartache,

You are starting to pack up.
Sometimes I forget that you're even here at all,
which is good for my friends
because I'm sure no one wants to hear how you continue to irk me so.
Though you have to admit they have been kinder to you than I have.

Soon you will leave.
What a relief.
It'll be so good not to have you as a constant companion,
keeping me up at night,
waking me at ungodly hours in the morning,
and poking your nose in
when all I wanted to do was to forget that you were here.

Yet at the sight of your bags, I do panic a little.
You have been overzealous in protecting my dear heart.
When you leave, I fear I won't do as good of a job.
Certainly experience can attest to that.

Maybe I will miss you a bit in a weird way.
You have been a good teacher.
But I have a feeling you'll be making check-up trips.

In the meantime I won't be throwing my heart around.

Sincerely,
Me

Am currently experiencing writer's block.

There is not much going on in my mind except the anticipation of a great move in less than a year.  Hopefully.
I will be sorely disappointed if said move does not happen.

I've been mentally packing and unpacking.
Like this morning:

"Coconut cream chai is soooo good.  Note to self:  Pack a lot.  
Self: You know you're wanting to move to South Asia right?  And you're packing TEA?
You see the irony, yes?"


I saw the irony, and yes I do talk to myself.

Other than that my mind is mostly spent cherishing the remaining days here in my beloved Toronto.
Or gnawing on it, rather.
I ruminate over everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Just so I can soak it all in.
One year can turn into one lifetime.
Or not.

But as Jim Elliott once said, "Wherever you are, be all there."

If I Do Move...

How long will it actually take me to become fluent in a new language being immersed in it instead of sitting in a classroom?

I hope I can pick up more than just one language.  Ambitious?  Yes.  I've always been one to bite off more than I can chew.

Even if I move to S. Asia long term (5+ years), and if I get married, I'd definitely want to come back to N. America for a white, in both sense of the word, wedding.

I don't think I'll miss Winter, but I'll definitely miss Fall.

I really hope HR will approve my application.

An Ode

Being a part of a community at Grace Toronto has been a big blessing and a huge answer to prayer.  

I love them more and more every time I hang out with them.

Deep down I don't think I ever thought it was possible to find such a loving, Christ-centred community at church, even though that's where you're suppose to find it.  

There's just something very special about my group of friends.  

I can't put my finger on it.

They are friends...

1) who are inclusive of everyone.

2) and not only are they inclusive, they make you feel truly valued and appreciated.

3) enjoy you for you, especially your quirks, not in spite of, so you feel comfortable in your skin around them.

4) who are extra-milers, offering you cab money on a late night out, or renting a car to drive you all the way uptown even though they are already home, at 3 in the morning.

5) who have rapier sharp wits.

6) who are generous with everything they've got.

7) who are protective, kind, caring and so on and so forth.  The list of adjectives go on.

8) who love Christ with more than words.

9) who are just safe to be around.

10) who as a group gives you hope for the world in general because they embody who Jesus is.

Extra Note:

And the men!  

The men at my church deserve kudos for having such stellar character.

I say this very platonically:

I am now eating my words, "There are no good men left."

That Great Fear

Burnout has been one of the best things to happen to me because I learned so much about God and myself through it, but I never want to walk through that darkness of the soul again. 

My greatest fear right now is that I might burn out again.
Because apparently, there is little to no recovery from the second time.

I'm not scared of culture shock.
I'm not scared of loneliness.
I'm not scared of not seeing fruit in ministry.
I'm not scared of homesickness.
I'm not scared of stress.
I'm not scared of making a fool out of myself learning a new language, or even languages, plural.
I'm not scared of beginning to hate a cuisine that I love.

But I am scared that together, it'll be too much.  That they'll burn me out.

I'm not scared of adversity.
It's been a great teaching tool in the hands of God.
I'm even starting to learn to embrace it.

But I am scared that one day I might not make it through.

So this is my comfort.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name,
you are mine.
When you pass through the waters I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.
...
Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and 
I love you.
Isaiah 43: 1-2, 4

Five Good Things

1.  Yellow Tail Shiraz Grenesche
2.  Pelee Pink
3.  Frank's Red Hot
4.  "You shouldn't marry a blind man.  Your beauty will be wasted."
5.  The word, "canoodle"

Stay, Stay, Stay

It's funny how once I finalized my decision to leave Canada,
everything familiar,
everything comfortable,
everything safe,
everything fun,
everything and
everyone loved
began to tug on my heartstrings, beckoning me to
stay, stay, stay.

Voices whisper and call out insistently,
"Everything's finally falling into place.  
Stay, stay, stay.

You've finally hit your stride on campus.  
You're thriving in ministry now.
Stay, stay, stay.

Things are finally going well.  
You're not burned out anymore.
You've solid community at work and at church.
Stay, stay, stay.  

You have a wonderful team.
Your friends love you and enjoy you, and you, them.
Stay, stay, stay.

Stay, stay, stay.
If not forever, at least for a few more years." 

These very good reasons to stay, are the very good reasons to leave.
Because it means I'll be leaving in a healthy and good state.

Not burnt out.
Not empty.
Not running away.

If I stayed for every good reason, I'll never leave. 
Because there will always be a reason to stay.
It's time to go.

Five Good Things

1.  Banter
2.  Friends with a fabulous sense of humour
3.  Eggplant
4.  All You Can Eat Indian
5.  Great community at church

"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."
~Blaise Pascal

As my friends console, advise, and shake their wise heads, I can only say,

"If my heart listened to my head, I wouldn't be in this."

I wish my heart listened to, and followed wisdom too.  It's like trying to tame a wild horse.

Priorities

Most of the time there's a billion and one things that I want to do and or want to work on that are floating around in my head.
Most of the time I bite off more than I can chew.
Most of the time I get distracted very easily.

So my priorities for this semester are:

1.  Love the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind.
2.  Be still and listen to God.
3.  Become more disciplined especially with my time and finances.
4.  Be sweet, not defensive.
5.  Be gentle, not harsh.
6.  Be all there.
7.  Do everything well to the best of my abilities.

I am eagerly anticipating this upcoming November.  

Not because I want this year to fly by, 

but because there is something that is a "go" 

and I'm really praying that it doesn't fall through.

I really really want it to go through.