Wednesday, July 28, 2010
As Is
Pride blinds you to the faults in your life.
So the surprise that, there is indeed that certain flaw in your life, adds salt to the wound of, someone or something letting you in on that "secret".
"What do you mean I'm (insert your flaw of choice here)?"
For years my mom told me that I was too emotional, contentious, bad-tempered, irresponsible, rash, arrogant, moody, and on and on, but I never really believed her because she was my mom, and it is a stated law of nature that everything one's mom says is always negated.
I never believed her until now...
When others have shown me directly or indirectly as the result of conflicts, or situations, or just plain love and concern that, surprise, surprise, I'm not perfect, and that everything my mom pointed out was justified and sadly is very, very true.
Usually when the flaw is pointed out, it grossly glares at you, until you want to run and hide, but where can you run and hide from yourself? I want to change, but I can't change fast enough so I have to live with it for now, but how can I like myself like this? How can others? How can God?
That one flaw is enough to remind you that you are broken and crippled. Damaged goods. Less than perfect, and in a world that demands perfection or at least the appearance of perfection, who would want you?
Jesus.
Jesus wants me. Damaged goods and all.
As is.
And He paid full price.
So the surprise that, there is indeed that certain flaw in your life, adds salt to the wound of, someone or something letting you in on that "secret".
"What do you mean I'm (insert your flaw of choice here)?"
For years my mom told me that I was too emotional, contentious, bad-tempered, irresponsible, rash, arrogant, moody, and on and on, but I never really believed her because she was my mom, and it is a stated law of nature that everything one's mom says is always negated.
I never believed her until now...
When others have shown me directly or indirectly as the result of conflicts, or situations, or just plain love and concern that, surprise, surprise, I'm not perfect, and that everything my mom pointed out was justified and sadly is very, very true.
Usually when the flaw is pointed out, it grossly glares at you, until you want to run and hide, but where can you run and hide from yourself? I want to change, but I can't change fast enough so I have to live with it for now, but how can I like myself like this? How can others? How can God?
That one flaw is enough to remind you that you are broken and crippled. Damaged goods. Less than perfect, and in a world that demands perfection or at least the appearance of perfection, who would want you?
Jesus.
Jesus wants me. Damaged goods and all.
As is.
And He paid full price.
Risky Business
As of right now my top two choices for 2011-2012 both require me to:
1) raise more financial support.
2) move out of the country.
3) leave my friends. This is a BIG deal.
I'm not a big fan of risk.
I like to minimize any kind of risk in my life because I have a crippling fear of failure, a residue from the Asian culture that I grew up in.
But what if in God's eyes, I cannot possibly fail?
Now there's a mind-blowing idea.
1) raise more financial support.
2) move out of the country.
3) leave my friends. This is a BIG deal.
I'm not a big fan of risk.
I like to minimize any kind of risk in my life because I have a crippling fear of failure, a residue from the Asian culture that I grew up in.
But what if in God's eyes, I cannot possibly fail?
Now there's a mind-blowing idea.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Certainty in Uncertain Times
I hate uncertainty because of
that fear of making a mistake,
that fear of taking a risk and failing,
that fear of the unknown.
But,
He (Jesus) says: "I got your back. It's ok to fail. I'll love you anyways."
Meanwhile another option or two just popped up, but the possibilities are starting to excite me, and not scare me.
that fear of making a mistake,
that fear of taking a risk and failing,
that fear of the unknown.
But,
He (Jesus) says: "I got your back. It's ok to fail. I'll love you anyways."
Meanwhile another option or two just popped up, but the possibilities are starting to excite me, and not scare me.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
That Black Vortex of the Unknown
Uncertainty is a (Insert your own noun here. Mine's not very nice.).
Upon an introspection of my soul, at the request of two darling friends, who thought I was off my rockers when I dropped my bombs about a possible STINT locale for next year, I emerged dazed, confused, and uncertain about my calling in life in general. It's not even about deciding about location anymore, now it's about reconsidering vocation.
Not to say that STINT in any country is out of the running. It's an option. But it's one out of many.
A few weeks ago, one of the women on my project team asked me how I dealt with uncertainty, and I replied blithely that I was fairly ok with it, and sometimes even found it exhilarating.
Well, yeah that's because I've never tasted real uncertainty.
When I was in university, God cured me of my tendency to have 40 year plans, and then He cured me of the 10 year plans, and then He whittled my planning to about 3-5 years ahead. Not to say that it's bad to plan, but I'm the type to trust in my own planning more so than God's. You know, one of those control-freaks. Although I prefer the terms organized and farsighted.
But now I've got no plans. Zip, zero, nada, nothing.
Many options. A plethora of options, but no plans.
The uncertainty, that black vortex of the unknown is unsettling, uncomfortable, and utterly undesired by me.
After burnout it is the worst feeling ever. Yes, even worse than heartbreak because that affects one area of life, but this, THIS affects my entire life.
Yes, I have a tendency to use hyperboles, but I mean it this time!
My first thoughts were:
"I hate it Lord, when You screw with my plans...and I know You're just doing this to bring me closer to You."
Slightly bitter? A tad.
He said:
"Embrace it."
Upon an introspection of my soul, at the request of two darling friends, who thought I was off my rockers when I dropped my bombs about a possible STINT locale for next year, I emerged dazed, confused, and uncertain about my calling in life in general. It's not even about deciding about location anymore, now it's about reconsidering vocation.
Not to say that STINT in any country is out of the running. It's an option. But it's one out of many.
A few weeks ago, one of the women on my project team asked me how I dealt with uncertainty, and I replied blithely that I was fairly ok with it, and sometimes even found it exhilarating.
Well, yeah that's because I've never tasted real uncertainty.
When I was in university, God cured me of my tendency to have 40 year plans, and then He cured me of the 10 year plans, and then He whittled my planning to about 3-5 years ahead. Not to say that it's bad to plan, but I'm the type to trust in my own planning more so than God's. You know, one of those control-freaks. Although I prefer the terms organized and farsighted.
But now I've got no plans. Zip, zero, nada, nothing.
Many options. A plethora of options, but no plans.
The uncertainty, that black vortex of the unknown is unsettling, uncomfortable, and utterly undesired by me.
After burnout it is the worst feeling ever. Yes, even worse than heartbreak because that affects one area of life, but this, THIS affects my entire life.
Yes, I have a tendency to use hyperboles, but I mean it this time!
My first thoughts were:
"I hate it Lord, when You screw with my plans...and I know You're just doing this to bring me closer to You."
Slightly bitter? A tad.
He said:
"Embrace it."
Friday, July 16, 2010
Addiction
On project, I wondered at the hours I spent in front of my laptop strolling through the websites of the world wide web, and was appalled at the time I wasted. So I promised myself I wouldn't be such an addict when I returned home.
And now that I'm home. I wonder, how could I have lived, no, survived, without all my social media networks.
Really? You expect me to interact with people in person? One on one?
Noooo....
The idea! How absurd!
Actually it's quite amazing that any of us still retain some semblance of social skills.
I really shouldn't be all that surprised by all the awkwardness that happens everyday.
Yes, this is my (recycled) scathing indictment on my generation. My socially awkward generation.
And now that I'm home. I wonder, how could I have lived, no, survived, without all my social media networks.
Really? You expect me to interact with people in person? One on one?
Noooo....
The idea! How absurd!
Actually it's quite amazing that any of us still retain some semblance of social skills.
I really shouldn't be all that surprised by all the awkwardness that happens everyday.
Yes, this is my (recycled) scathing indictment on my generation. My socially awkward generation.
Change
I like change that is premeditated and planned.
That you can see from a mile away.
I enjoy those kinds of change.
I don't like the type of change that sneaks up on you, and bites you in the rear end.
Those aren't fun.
And so it wasn't fun to realize that the ducks I thought I had all in a row...weren't really in a row.
Cryptic? Yes.
Because there's so much more to this than I can blog about.
Whatever you're thinking this is about. It's probably not.
Moral of the story?
I like being in charge or being under the illusion that I am in charge.
But the reality is I'm not.
You'd think I'd get use to this by now, but nopes.
That you can see from a mile away.
I enjoy those kinds of change.
I don't like the type of change that sneaks up on you, and bites you in the rear end.
Those aren't fun.
And so it wasn't fun to realize that the ducks I thought I had all in a row...weren't really in a row.
Cryptic? Yes.
Because there's so much more to this than I can blog about.
Whatever you're thinking this is about. It's probably not.
Moral of the story?
I like being in charge or being under the illusion that I am in charge.
But the reality is I'm not.
You'd think I'd get use to this by now, but nopes.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Too Early
Apparently I can't apply this early for STINT next year. Bummer.
On the bright side perhaps a team can be raised up for Gateway within a year, and I can be on that team.
Who knows?
You heard it here first.
On the bright side perhaps a team can be raised up for Gateway within a year, and I can be on that team.
Who knows?
You heard it here first.
Weaning
I'm now into my last week on my selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors. Read: Anti-depressants. I just love putting it out there. "It" being the fact that I am on anti-depressants, and am now coming off of them. Because:
1) Anti-depressants, they've still got that social stigma about them, and everybody kinda still keeps it hush hush. Nobody really talks about it. So I like to talk about it, in hopes to help remove the social stigma.
2) I'm a shock value kinda girl. I get such a kick, shocking people within limits of course. Oh the things I could do...
Note to self: Boys with conservative parents will probably not like me as a daughter-in-law.
Self: Duly noted.
Ok, away from the tangent. I love my meds, and I would hug them if they were a person, but they're not, so I can't. But now we part ways because I don't need them anymore, and I really don't want to go through the trouble of finding new anti-depressants after they've been stolen in a foreign country, and then going through a week of withdrawal symptoms if I don't really have to. Some chick in Asia is having fun with my Cipralex right now...
I was definitely paranoid at first, jumping at every mood flux. At one point I was a bit worried about a prolonged mood dip... until I reminded myself that I've been in suburbia for about a week.
So we're good. And by we, I mean, me.
1) Anti-depressants, they've still got that social stigma about them, and everybody kinda still keeps it hush hush. Nobody really talks about it. So I like to talk about it, in hopes to help remove the social stigma.
2) I'm a shock value kinda girl. I get such a kick, shocking people within limits of course. Oh the things I could do...
Note to self: Boys with conservative parents will probably not like me as a daughter-in-law.
Self: Duly noted.
Ok, away from the tangent. I love my meds, and I would hug them if they were a person, but they're not, so I can't. But now we part ways because I don't need them anymore, and I really don't want to go through the trouble of finding new anti-depressants after they've been stolen in a foreign country, and then going through a week of withdrawal symptoms if I don't really have to. Some chick in Asia is having fun with my Cipralex right now...
I was definitely paranoid at first, jumping at every mood flux. At one point I was a bit worried about a prolonged mood dip... until I reminded myself that I've been in suburbia for about a week.
So we're good. And by we, I mean, me.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Thursday, July 01, 2010
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