Showing posts with label Taste and See. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Taste and See. Show all posts

Thursday, November 18, 2010

180 Degrees

It's amazing how fast situations and conditions can be changed by God within one week. 

One week ago my staff account was in dire straits. 
I wanted to go on the vision trip to keep STINT doors open, but it felt like they were slamming shut fast.
I was raising support in hope that maybe just maybe....

All the while, the depression came and went unexpectedly like a fog descending on my consciousness leaving me incapacitated as a person.  It took all my efforts to think straight.

Now, my account is nice and healthy for the most part anyways, and mentally I'm stabilizing and steadily regaining my health.

The fog of depression is lifting quickly.
I feel hope and joy again.
Life feels full and meaningful once more.
And what a relief that is.

Thank You God for meds.
 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Speechless

I am so in awe of God's GREATNESS right now.
I wish I could bottle it up, and save this understanding of how good He is for the future when I need reminders.

Oh, but He is good.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I have to say, that after all these years, I'm pretty ashamed of my fear of man, fear of failure, and fear of rejection when it comes to raising support.  It's not so much that I don't believe that God can't and won't bring the funds in, it's that I'm terrified of people's reactions, which has never been bad.  Oh me of little faith.  Thankfully for my job, I kinda have to do it.

And no, I didn't have any caffeine today.  For some reason my body likes waking me up in the middle of the night so I can blog.  Isn't it just so kind?  I might as well have an infant while I'm at it. 

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

A New Perspective

S.B. blew my mind today when we met up for coffee or in my case hot chocolate.

I was sharing with her how my biggest fear about moving overseas was that I'd spiral into depression, crash, and then burn out. I told her that it'd be one thing to be lonely and homesick, but it'd be another to lose my marbles.

But she pointed out that my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance.
That it's not mental or spiritual issues that I need to work through. It's just chemicals.
That as long as I had my meds I'd be ok.
That perhaps this was God's way of saying "I have your worst fears covered way ahead of time"?
That perhaps this was a blessing instead of a hindrance.
That perhaps this was God giving the all-clear.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Valley of Vision

Lord, High and Holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;

Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.

-from The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Tears

As I proceed more and more with this whole, "I'm packing up my life and moving next year" bit I keep thinking that next year will be full of tears, and I'm ok with that.  It's part of the transition.

I told J.S. today that I can fully see myself one month in, sobbing over McDonald's chicken nuggets wailing, 
"I miiiiiiiissss Canada."

As one STINTer told me: "Expect the worst.  Hope for the best."

If I'm challenging students to go for broke in missions, by God's grace I should be able to do the same.

On a side note: the fact that I can facebomb anyone at a click does comfort me.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

What the God of Love Can Do

Though afflicted, tempest tossed,
comfortless awhile thou art,
do not think thou can be lost,
thou art graven on my heart;
all thy wastes I will repair;
thou shalt be rebuilt anew;
and in thee it shall appear
what the God of love can do.

Pensive, Doubting, Fearful Heart by John Newton

I am often tempted to think that the past two years have been eaten by the locusts of burnout and depression.

Wasted.
Gone.
Never to be reclaimed.

So I cried when the Lord started whispering to my heart in the spring, "not so."

And in the summer, "not so."

"I am repairing and building you up for something more."
"You will see what I can do."

I am seeing what the God of love can do with two years of darkness, and I am amazed.
That He can use two years of darkness to heal the brokenness of 20 some odd years.
That He can use two years of shattered pieces and hopelessness to bring wholeness and hope.
That He is rebuilding anew.

 So again when He whispered this morning, "You will see what I can do..."

I cried.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Too Good To Be True

Sometimes...actually quite a few times since the start of this semester, I've thought to myself, "things are too good to be true."  For once everything is going relatively well in all areas of my life, and I have absolutely no complaints.

And this scares the crap out of me. 
Maybe it's because I'm a conspiracy theorist at heart.
Maybe it's because I'm a realist.
Maybe it's because I went through so much stuff in life already that the lack of crap is unsettling.

But I keep asking myself "What is the worst case scenario?"
And the answer is, my mum passing away suddenly.
With the multiple sudden deaths of the fathers of a few friends in the past months, combined with my mum's increasing heart problems, the worse case scenario seems quite likely.

I keep wanting to prepare for it, because death is pretty much inevitable, but I don't think it's something you can brace yourself for.

It's the one thing that can really knock me down, and just thinking about it scares me silly. 
My heart sinks.
My stomach knots up, and threatens to expel everything that I just ate today.
My tear ducts starts to rev up.

It doesn't help that she's super worried and talks about dying, fretting over the fact that there will be no one left to take care of me when she passes away. 
"Who's going to marry you when you're traipsing around the world?  
Then what will you do when I pass?  
I wouldn't worry so much if you went overseas with someone.  A strong man who can take care of you."
Genuinely worried. 


I can't do anything to relieve her worries either unless I order a groom online, but I don't think that's what she's going for.

ARGH!
Lessons in trust.

I need to trust that God is sovereign, and He has her life in His hands.
I need to trust God with her anxiety instead of taking them on myself.
I just need to trust.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Happy Chinese Valentine New Go Canada Go Year

Sometimes I rail at the Lord, screaming inside that I wish I could tangibly feel His love like the way I could feel my mom's love when her arms are wrapped around me. I know, bad on me. But I forget that the church is His body, and sometimes, a lot of times His love is demonstrated through those around me.

I had a great Chinese Valentine New Go Canada Go Year extended weekend where it was instance after instance of the Lord declaring His love for me again and again through His people.

He is the Perfect Lover, knowing exactly what I needed and need.

Thursday
S.A. and K.L. blessed all the women on the leadership team at York with flowers that symbolized something they see in our character.

Mine was an Iris representing, faith, wisdom, and valor. It was a very apt encouragement seeing that in the past few months I've been feeling very very foolish and somewhat faithless.

Friday
K.M. got all the single women on our staff team, a yellow rose.
I love gifts and I love flowers.
Even the smallest thing makes me feel valued and loved.

Saturday

J.S. took three of us girls out to dinner all decked out.
I love dressing up and I love meat.
Another sweet, sweet gift that touched my heart.

Sunday
A.G. finally got her gift to me. She had to try to send it twice, but in God's perfect providential timing I got it on Valentine's day.
It was a beautiful sparkling ring reminding me of the Lord's unfathomable love for me with a card full of encouragement.

Some might see these just as separate incidents of people's kindness, but I know that the Lord is sovereign and He is in charge of everything, and He orchestrated it to declare His love.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Jesus Christ and Him Crucified

The most wonderful lesson that God has been teaching me this past month through all the ups and downs of transitioning into a new season of life is this:

Jesus Christ and Him crucified. The gospel, simple, but not plain.

It has been pounded into me minute by minute, day by day. It is my lifeline in more ways than one. Jesus Christ and Him crucified. It's not just something that I preach to others, but something that I have to preach to myself everyday. The majesty of it is that the wonder of the gospel never ceases or diminishes but keeps on growing. How can I explain how much more precious it has become to me recently?

Storms may come, but on Christ the Solid Rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

First Day

Good.

That's how I would describe my first day. A solid, deep 'good'. Not just a chipper, light 'good'. But good.

God is good. Very good.

More tomorrow. I am tired.

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Symphony

Life is good.

Last night I went to the Toronto Symphony Orchestra with a girl friend to hear Dvorak's Symphony #8. It was beautiful. Not just the music, but the musicians. It was mesmerizing watching their body move to the music as they were playing, and the way the bows of the stringed instruments moved in unison. I don't have enough words to describe it. There were so many cool things. Like how all these different instruments came together to create such a cool...melody instead of some raucous noise. It just blows my mind to try to fathom it because they could very well just be making noise.

I felt so sophisticated and grown up, traipsing downtown in heels for a cool Thai meal and then going out to the Symphony afterwards. It was only something that I imagined myself doing when I was "younger". Sometimes I still feel like I'm 16 inside. Last night was definitely one of those..."Pinch me, and tell me I'm awake," nights. I can't believe I'm living this life!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

The Sovereignty of God

Can I just say how much I LOVE the sovereignty of God?

It's.
simply.
amazing.

He is in full and complete control.
No matter how many stupid things I say and do, He is Sovereign over all.
He cannot be screwed up by me.
It's beautiful.
Love it.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Thankful

Today I am thankful for...

1. The spectacular post card worthy views seen from our balcony each day. Everyday is a new masterpiece by God.
2. Home cooking a la Irene. Yum. She can cook.
3. Taste buds so that I can actually taste the said above.
4. The sweet, sweet words of the Bible.
5. The fact that the Lord is too good of a Father to let me go on campus unprepared.

Monday, October 08, 2007

22

22. It doesn't feel all that different than 21, but I feel like I've stepped over the threshold into the prime of life. Never have I felt so comfortable in my own skin because of my relationship with Christ. Never have I felt so content because of Christ.

Life has arrived.
Not because I turned 22, but because my mental paradigm has finally adjusted to the fact that this is life. Life is what's happening right now, not when such and such happens. This is life and I absolutely love it. Absolutely content.

A myriad of adventures awaits me. What will happen next around the bend on this road of life? I am so excited for what the Lord has planned for the year ahead. Whatever it is I am ready to rock this casbah. Carpe diem! Seize the day.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

The Great Romance

Yesterday I spent half the day at Rockwood chilling with God on top of this gorgeous lookout point. It hit me that the places that appeal to me most for quiet times are really quite romantic. Like the lookout point for example.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
PSALM 73:25

Monday, October 01, 2007

Cultivating a Thankful Heart

Today I am thankful for...

1. Rockwood
2. Red Leaves
3. Extra Strength Tylenol
4. Cool Coworkers
5. Sales
6. One Time Gifts
7. Answered Prayers
8. Family
9. Old Roommates
10. My Car
11. The Bible
12. My Mom
13. Free Movie Tickets
14. Hillsong
15. New Friends
16. Good Health
17. Ryerson C4C T-Shirt

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Summit, The Fourth and First Edition

This past weekend was my fourth and first Summit. My fourth in general and my first as staff. It was fun as just as I expected, no matter how much I tried to deny it before I went. I was sad that I was missing out on the Mac-Guelph spirit, but one day UT, Ryerson, and York will give Guelph and McMaster a run for their money.

It was a great weekend working alongside the other staff, not that I had much to do, getting to know the students, and connecting with Jesus. God hit home some very important points that I need to digest before going on campus. I can't wait to go on campus. This weekend definitely confirmed that THIS is where I am suppose to be. Not at law school, not in the states, not in church ministry, not in Guelph doing a victory lap, not even in East Asia. Toronto is it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Waiting

I don't wait well. I wait better than I did two years ago, but I know I don't wait well. So the following passage from Girl Talk came at a good time.

"Waiting on God isn't about the suspension of meaning and purpose. It's part of the meaning and purpose that God has brought into my life. Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn't simply about what I'll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I'll become as I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He's promised. Through the wait He's changing me. By means of the wait He's altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He's causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all of this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive hands."

However even though I know what it says to be true, part of me is getting really tired of waiting for my support to come in. The issue is not whether it's going to come in, but WHEN. And the when isn't happening fast enough for me. I feel like such a tool sitting around waiting for contacts. Just what exactly am I suppose to be learning here? I wish I knew. Then I'll rock that lesson and get out of here. But again not my timing but the Lord's.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

In Hindsight Jesus' Always Right

I don't know when exactly, but I do remember in the folly of my youth I ranted online to the entire world wondering why I couldn't have met someone in university, got married, and then joined staff. Might I emphasize the fact that this happened during the FOLLY OF MY YOUTH. Henceforth known as "FOMY".

In hindsight Jesus is Sovereign, and I praise Him that He is. MPD is enough work as it is. I can't imagine adding the stress of graduation, transitioning to another stage in life, beginning a marriage in addition to MPD. That would have been madness. I think I would've died or killed my new hubby. Praise God that He knew and knows best. Props to my friends who have done it, and thank God they're still alive. I'm completely content as a cheshire cat to do MPD alone. Less stress and more air time. Can you imagine doing the VACA on half the time? I speed talk as it is.

It's a similar story with STINT. For three years I had planned on going overseas right after graduation. Praise God that He is sovereign and that He thwarted my plans. As much as I love Asia, graduating, raising support, and moving to a different continent all in four months would've been too much for me. Granted yes, I could've done it on the Lord's strength, but I'm so glad He didn't ask it of me.

I like my new apartment. I like my new roommates. I like my new staff team. I like Toronto. I love Jesus.

So what about my current situation? Well, I would love to be on campus right now, but the Lord is Sovereign. Something good will come of this, like an increase in my Japanese vocabulary and hearing comprehension due to an increased consumption of J-drama, anime, and J-pop. That'll definitely come in handy if and when the Japanese partnership goes through. Yippee! Please Lord, let that be soon.

Side Note: The traditional Chinese in me is so going to go on a guilt trip if and when my Japanese literacy exceeds my Chinese literacy even though my Chinese literacy will increase as a by product of learning Japanese. But there is just so much more incentive so study Japanese.