Singleness and Marshmallows

My desire for a relationship can be compared to that marshmallow experiment that they do with kids.

You know the one where they give a kid a marshmallow, tell her that if she waits, she'll get two more later.  Me being the kid and a man being the marshmallow, and the husband being the second marshmallow.

I've had so many older people tell me if I wait the right guy will come along and then I'll be so happy that I didn't settle for just anyone.

I had and have a hard time believing them.
So I would dive for that first marshmallow whenever I got the chance.
Also because I would think that the first marshmallow was the second marshmallow.
Still following the marshmallow analogy?

This is all to say, I'm seriously impatient amongst other things.


This is why my mum worries.  Can't blame her now. 

What It All Came Down To Part 3

I've been really getting comfortable in a bad sense in Toronto these past few years.
Since joining staff I haven't really taken a major leap of faith where God would have to show up or else...

At one point my heart turned from world missions to a lakeside loft, interior decorating, and just making myself comfortable and happy. And that is not where I want to be. I'm not condemning buying a house and decorating it, I'm just saying that for me to not do missions would be to sear my conscience.

God's calling on my life has been loud and clear, and I cannot run from it.
And believe you me, I've tried.

Toronto was never meant to be my final destination on this earth, it was just a stopover.

Love Languages

I have observed over the past few weeks that the way that I receive love has shifted.  All the love languages are important to me, but relatively words of affirmation make a greater deposit of love into my life than the others.  But when I say words of affirmation I don't mean random general ego boosters, but sincere words of truth spoken in love.

I'm really surprised that it has shifted because I never really thought anything would trump acts of service, but I suppose different life stages warrants different things.

So in order of importance:  

1.  Words of Affirmation
2.  Acts of Service
3.  Gifts
4.  Physical Touch
5.  Quality Time

Go ahead love on me!

I hate to say this, but I find singleness chafing and wait for it, hard.
Surprise!
This has probably been blatantly obvious to everyone around me, but it was only recently today that I could actually admit to myself that I found it hard because I didn't want to admit it.
Because to admit it, would be admitting to weakness. Or at least in my mind anyways.
And to admit it might mean that I might be that girl*, and I'd hate to be that girl.  Although there's been many times this year where I've been that girl to my chagrin.  Anyways I digress.

For me singleness at its worst has been heartbreaking and at its best has been ignored.   And by "ignored" I mean me walking around ignoring that gnawing hunger inside, pretending it's not there, that it doesn't bother me, and that I don't really want a man.  That is what we call a dumb idea.


I honestly haven't had a very clear idea what it means to bring it to the Lord.  I've had some vague ideas for sure, but when it came down to what it tangibly entailed,  I had and still have no clue.  That gaping hole, that gnawing hunger, that overpowering desire, that screams to be filled, I didn't and I don't know what to do with it.   I didn't want to be all "Jesus is my boyfriend," because I don't think that's it and so the best I could muster was the cold shoulder because I didn't want to figure what it really meant to bring it to the Lord either.

I was scared that Jesus might not really fulfill me, and that if He did, that, that would mean no husband for me later.

I know, idolatry, I know.

Yet I still kept it as a pet, and refused to deal with it.

Earlier this year my pastor had gently and lovingly exhorted me to be patient during this season.  It went something along the lines of...
"I've seen many a staff woman get derailed because of this.  He'll come.  Let him grow up more, and in the meantime you can grow up a little yourself." 

I took his words to heart, and it's been reverebrating in my mind ever since.  I've seen the depravity of my own heart and the darkness of my own soul, and I know that it's only by the grace of God that I haven't been derailed yet, but if I continue to keep a pet sin....  

After a sound rebuke from the Lord last week...and boy was it loud and clear,  I figured that it was really time to get serious about surrendering this area to God instead of dilly dallying.

So where to start?
Thinking of singleness as fasting. 

 *How to explain?  that girl encompasses all the traits of the girl, a girl doesn't want to be.  I think every girl has their own concept of that girl.

I've started many a sentence tonight.
Then deleted.
And then typed some more, and then deleted.

My mind is full of thoughts swirling around...

But my mental capacity isn't up to the task of putting them to words. Actually it's been quite feeble of late. So many grammatical mistakes in my tweets and posts. But anyways...

This is all to say:

I wanted to blog, but was too tired to write anything coherent so I wrote this instead.

Thanks for reading.

October Goals

Goals are good when your life and identity aren't defined by them.

1. Finally finish setting up my room.
2. Finish editing Leah and Matt's shoot.
3. Finish editing the Wong's shoot.
4. Get 4 hours of Arabic in. I still love this language, and I do want to learn it.
5. Make one fascinator.
6. Try one new soup recipe.
7. Finish 3 books (Forgotten God, Tribes, The Practice of Godliness)
8. Clean as I go. Hopefully Frank the apt. Will stay cleaner for longer than 2 days.
9. Do a fall shoot.
10. Sleep before 12 on a regular basis.

On Missions

It saddens and frustrates me that when most people consider missions, if at all, their initial thoughts revolve around themselves, myself included.

Do I feel like going?
Can I handle the stress?
What about my family and friends?
How will I fare?
I'm going to miss home so much.
I'm going to die from the culture shock.
Who the heck am I going to marry over there?


(These thoughts continuously cycle through my mind like a broken record player.)


So many people I've talked to, their reasons for not going were somewhere along the lines of, it's going to be uncomfortable for me, and I can't handle it so therefore I'm not called to go, thank you very much.  Again, myself included.
Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for making sure you're emotionally stable and mature before you jet overseas.  That's very important, but I don't think that's the main reason why the labourers are few.

The main reason is because we're selfish.

Unless God has specifically called us to stay and send, all the above points are moot because we serve an all-mighty, all-knowing, all-loving God, with who anything is possible.   I'm not saying He's going to make everything comfortable.  I'm saying He'll sustain you through the difficulties.  Be it hot weather, beatings, or the lack of a mate.

And can I just say that our most common excuses don't hold up under the costs of discipleship listed in the Bible?

Nowhere does it say if it's too uncomfortable you can stay and not go.
Jesus says again and again,

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me."

But somehow we forget to figure that in.

The worst excuse is "but I'm not called."


Really?  Take a gander at Matthew 28:18-21.
How can we say we're not called when there are billions, literally billions of people perishing?
Is that excuse really going to stand up before Jesus when we meet Him?


Let's reverse our psychology.
Let's GO unless God closes the door and stops us.

In My Head

Scenario: Thinking in my head puttering around my apartment.

Me:  It's a little boring not having someone to like.  There's no excitement.  There's no one to look forward to seeing.
Me (Voice of Reason): Wait...no.  Are you saying that you miss and want the drama?!?!


Pause.
My heart seizes up in a mad panic.


Me:  Oh yeah...No.  No, no more drama.  I'm gonna go watch Shahid Kapoor dance now.


I have to admit there is that thrill when you start liking someone, when you see him, talk to him, etc...
But then how easily I forget how fast it goes downhill when the waters get murky murky.

Morale of the story: Girls are stupid too.

25

25.
Twenty five.
Two.  Five.

Wow.  I can't believe we're here already.  And of course by "we" I mean "me".

25.

25 has always been a BIG birthday in my mind growing up along with
10 (double digits baby),
16 (sweet  16),
18 (officially an adult),
20 (the twenties!!!),
and I didn't really want to think about it after that because in my mind it all went downhill after the big 2-5.

25.  Man.

25 has always been a very daunting birthday because I had always felt pressured by our culture to "have it all together" by this time.

I'm suppose to have "arrived" by now.

Not only that, but there were also self-imposed expectations to be so incredibly accomplished that I would stand out above the crowd.

25.

The expectations were so, that as I inched closer to 25, I would have mini panic attacks every time I evaluated my life.  Followed by much self-loathing, much condemnation, much guilt, and much despair.  Then by the grace of God,  a few years ago, a little something called "burnout" happened....

25.

I don't have it all together.
I don't have it all figured out.
I don't think I ever will.

And I'm so ok with that.

Life will always be a journey...until I die.
God will always be teaching me and refining me.
I'm excited to see what He'll do, and follow Him wherever He calls.

25.

By God's grace you have become a birthday of hope instead a birthday of despair.

Tears

As I proceed more and more with this whole, "I'm packing up my life and moving next year" bit I keep thinking that next year will be full of tears, and I'm ok with that.  It's part of the transition.

I told J.S. today that I can fully see myself one month in, sobbing over McDonald's chicken nuggets wailing, 

"I miiiiiiiissss Canada."

As one STINTer told me: "Expect the worst.  Hope for the best."

If I'm challenging students to go for broke in missions, by God's grace I should be able to do the same.

On a side note: the fact that I can facebomb anyone at a click does comfort me.

What the God of Love Can Do

Though afflicted, tempest tossed,
comfortless awhile thou art,
do not think thou can be lost,
thou art graven on my heart;
all thy wastes I will repair;
thou shalt be rebuilt anew;
and in thee it shall appear
what the God of love can do.

Pensive, Doubting, Fearful Heart by John Newton

I am often tempted to think that the past two years have been eaten by the locusts of burnout and depression.

Wasted.
Gone.
Never to be reclaimed.

So I cried when the Lord started whispering to my heart in the spring, "not so."

And in the summer, "not so."

"I am repairing and building you up for something more."
"You will see what I can do."

I am seeing what the God of love can do with two years of darkness, and I am amazed.
That He can use two years of darkness to heal the brokenness of 20 some odd years.
That He can use two years of shattered pieces and hopelessness to bring wholeness and hope.
That He is rebuilding anew.

 So again when He whispered this morning, "You will see what I can do..."

I cried.

Five Good Things

1.  Editing photos.  It's like icing a cupcake after you've baked it.
2.  Fresh flowers.  Even better when they're free.  Except when you find a slug, an inchworm, and an ant crawling on them afterward.
3.  Taking some sweet time to connect with the Lord, process, and process, and process.
4.  Finally tackling that mountain of admin work that's been hanging over your head like a guillotine.
5.  Drinking all the yummy tea I want.

If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love.*

*For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly.

If by Amy Carmichael

So South Asia, Eh? What It All Came Down To Part 2

South Asia was a gut decision.

I knew I wanted to stay with my organization because I knew they would take care of me if anything happened overseas.  They wouldn't leave me for dead.

I knew I wanted to go and was called to the 10/40 window.

So that left me with 3 choices:

North Africa

East Asia

South Asia

North Africa was and is still a place I would love to visit, but what pull it had for me to move there permanently, was eclipsed by the pull for South Asia.

Everyone had me pegged for East Asia.  I had me pegged for East Asia.  But being there this past summer I couldn't see me staying longer than 3 years, and I have to be honest, I really don't like moving around.  I had initially considered moving there next year, this past summer...because they were sending to South Asia, but since we're already going there, I figure might as well bypass the middle man.

So South Asia.

There was and there is this inexplicable pull to the immense brokenness that exists in general and also to the brokenness caused by the prevalent religious system.    

The new city model of ministry drew me.

The pioneering aspect of the partnership intrigued me.  

I saw long term potential.  i.e.   5+ years.  Remember, I hate moving.  For a movement to develop, continuity is key.  Someone needs to stay to learn from mistakes, not repeat them, and pass on the wisdom to newbies.

The fact that the city has an arts scene helped too.  

As well as the fact that I drool buckets over the local food, and can't get enough.  I'm seriously looking forward to eating copious amounts without paying the big bucks that I do here in Canada.  

But I'm not going to lie,  I will probably be McDonald's best customer in that city by the end of the year.

I think I'm crazy for wanting to do this, and whenever I pass South Asians on campus (which is quite a lot), I often ask myself, "Are you sure?  They're moving here."

But no one else is clamoring to go.

The Birthday List

As requested by my roommates because apparently it actually helps the shopping process.

1.  A huge pot that can hold enough soup for 20 people because I can't cook in small quantities

2.  Pretty headbands from Forever 21

3.  Blank Canvases

4.  Coconut Cream Chai from Tealish

5.  Jasmine/Gardenia/Plant/Flowers  

6.  Red Wine

7.  Big Bang Theory Season 2 and 3

8.  Top 40/Bollywood Music

9.  Books

10.  Lots, lots, and lots of attention.  I am an only child.
11.  Thoughtful, well-written, meaningful birthday cards.  
12.  Laughter

Matt and Leah Engaged!

What I love the most about engagement shoots is that the love between the two people is so palpable even if they don't feel comfortable in front of the camera.  All I have to say is, forget the camera look at each other, and then voila.

Matt and Leah were soo super cute and in love.  It was suppose to be the "hardest" shoot for me thus far according to Matt since he doesn't like the camera, but man it was one of the easiest shoots.  Granted I've only done 3 engagements in total, but all things considered, they were such pros!

Sometimes I think:

"I'd feel sorry for my husband if we got married past 35. 'Sorry, honey, you missed out on my prime.  I was much hotter ten years ago.'"

One of my brown friends needs to get married fast because I want to wear this without being too much of a poser.  (Pun not intended.)

So pretty!!!  Love being a girl.

Too Good To Be True

Sometimes...actually quite a few times since the start of this semester, I've thought to myself, "things are too good to be true."  For once everything is going relatively well in all areas of my life, and I have absolutely no complaints.

And this scares the crap out of me. 
Maybe it's because I'm a conspiracy theorist at heart.
Maybe it's because I'm a realist.
Maybe it's because I went through so much stuff in life already that the lack of crap is unsettling.

But I keep asking myself "What is the worst case scenario?"
And the answer is, my mum passing away suddenly.
With the multiple sudden deaths of the fathers of a few friends in the past months, combined with my mum's increasing heart problems, the worse case scenario seems quite likely.

I keep wanting to prepare for it, because death is pretty much inevitable, but I don't think it's something you can brace yourself for.

It's the one thing that can really knock me down, and just thinking about it scares me silly. 
My heart sinks.
My stomach knots up, and threatens to expel everything that I just ate today.
My tear ducts starts to rev up.

It doesn't help that she's super worried and talks about dying, fretting over the fact that there will be no one left to take care of me when she passes away. 
"Who's going to marry you when you're traipsing around the world?  
Then what will you do when I pass?  
I wouldn't worry so much if you went overseas with someone.  A strong man who can take care of you."
Genuinely worried. 


I can't do anything to relieve her worries either unless I order a groom online, but I don't think that's what she's going for.

ARGH!
Lessons in trust.

I need to trust that God is sovereign, and He has her life in His hands.
I need to trust God with her anxiety instead of taking them on myself.
I just need to trust.

Conviction

The Holy Spirit has been working overtime in my life this past month.

He's pointed out that:

1) I am more vindicative than I ever thought I was.

2) My temper is a lot worse than I thought it was.

3) I'm actually a bigger jerk, than I thought I was.

4) I'm actually quite unloving.

5) I'm more arrogant than I thought I was.

SO many  DOH! moments, but it's encouraging to feel and accept conviction because for a good long while I was running away from it and ignoring it.  Bad idea, I know.

But the bright light here is that there is hope that God is still working in me.

Filial Piety

My poor mum adores me to death.
She misses me terribly, and the only thing she wants in this world is for me to move closer.
We have this conversation every time we call, and to my chagrin, rare are the times when I can keep my cool.

Her: "You're just staying in Toronto for your friends."
Me: "Uh...I'm planning on moving overseas to Asia next year.  Like I have so many friends over there."
Her: "But you only have one mother in this lifetime, won't you regret it when I pass away?"
Me: "I'm more concerned that I'll regret wasting this life, and not investing in eternity."
Her: "Don't you want to live for me?"
Me: "I'm living for Jesus, not for you."
Her: "In the chinese mindset you'd be considered unfilial, and cold."
Me: "Do you really think that I don't love you?"

Long silence.


She sounds so sad on the phone, and so what do I do?
Be even more of a jerk face and a half, and get terse with her.

The morale of the story?
It's one thing not to let your parents dictate your life, and to follow where God leads.
It's another to be a complete, insensitive jerk instead of helping them take that step of faith to let you follow Him.

Dearest Self,

I finally like you for you. 
I mean, really like you. 
It's comfortable, it's enjoyable, and it's freeing.

You are a good person to be in the sense that I no longer want to be that someone else so I can fit in, gain approval, feel significant, and be loved.
I like all your quirks (and there are many), your talents, your personality (loud), your passions, and yes, even your occasional neurotic obsessive compulsive behavior. 
(You don't really need to have a specific pen just for the purpose of filling out forms, but hey I'll live.)


I'm glad that hard times has taught you to find true satisfaction and true joy in Jesus.
I'm glad burnout broke you down so that Christ could build you back up without the chains and shackles 
I wouldn't want it any other way.

I know you're not perfect. 
You're learning to find the balance between your newly found freedom to be yourself and not crossing the line into sin.
And not being obnoxious.
You are far, far, faaaar from being like Jesus, but
I'm learning to show you grace, and also to not stand in the way of God's grace to you.

 I like you.

Sincerely,
Me

What I Want, What I Really, Really Want [Cravings Part. 1]

Nothing derails my entire person, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as a lack of meaning can.

What I crave the most in life is a sense of destiny, a sense of purpose, and a sense of significance.

I think most people would've pegged my deepest craving as love.  The romantic kind.
Heck, I would've even pegged my deepest craving as love.
Just take a look at all the "I'm so heartbroken" posts on this blog.
And if my mum and my friends could say something, they would probably say:
"And remember all that griping, all that ranting, all those tears and snotty noses. "

I do crave it, but on closer examination, the lack of a boy who's in love with me doesn't throw me as much as the lack of knowing that my life is counting for something.

Losing my heart made me cry a lot.
Losing my sense of purpose caused me to burnout, manifest depressive symptoms, and experience a prolonged darkness of the soul.

It is this pursuit of meaning that has driven me all my life.
It is this pursuit of purpose that has impacted every major life decision.
It is this pursuit of significance that brought me to God.

What It All Came Down To Part 1

I think most people are freaked out about my decision and desire to move to South Asia next year or at the very least concerned because for them it came out of the left field.

Surprisingly, my mom has been one of the most accepting, although she has been bargaining with me regarding the number of years.  


"Just one?  Ok, no more than two.  You'll come back after two?"

This response is totally legitimate because this decision and this desire hasn't been something that the verbal processor has verbalized, and then all of a sudden BOOM after a month of a "mid-life crisis".


So I understand why people are questioning my sanity and or motives.  
People are always questioning my sanity.
Sooo...I'm trying not be irked by the questions, and if I am, it literally is, just me, and not you.


Anyways, the short of it.


What it came down to after a month and a half of living in uncertainty and anxiety was this,


"Shelly."
"Yes, Lord?"
"Sweetheart, do you remember what you said to me at the end of project this year?"
 "I said that, 'If I had a thousand lives, Lord, I'd give it all to missions."


I had meant every single word.


As for South Asia, well that's been officially cooking in my head for a year now.

This Is Why I'm Still Single

Tonight I spent 4 hours in line rushing the premier of the Black Swan at the TIFF.

In four hours I managed to:
1) Get someone kicked out of line because they butted right. in. front. of. me.
2) Almost get a scalper arrested because he was selling one ticket for triple the price.
C'mon man at least be smart about it if you're going to scalp.
3) Get interviewed by a reporter after stomping to the front of the line to complain, yet again that people were butting.
4) All in all raise a bit of hell.

This is why boys don't want to date me.
And the people in line agreed.

This is also why my boss once said, "I'm really glad you're a Christian [because of the things you'd do if you weren't.]

In case you were wondering; I took it as a compliment and was very pleased.

Oh and, no we didn't get to go see the film.

Missing Out

Yesterday B.F. caught me off guard with the question,

"Has the start of the year been a good for you?"


The answer was unquestionably, yes. Or should've been.
I've never started a year off on staff in such a good head space.
Yet, I hemmed and hawwed for a few confused seconds before yammering out my answer, seemingly trying to convince myself in the process.

Mentally I went through a quick evaluation.
Personally, I was good, yes.
Ministry, was great, yes.
Familial relationships, fabulous, yes.
Community, fantastic, yes.
Loving Jesus, yes.

So what was the hesitation for?

Physically I was bombed, and the frenetic pace of the past three weeks drained all of my emotional reserves, and left me figuratively heading for the hills so I could hermit away in some cave.

Weekends zoomed by while I scrambled to try to fill that emotional gas tank before Monday arrived.

'Tis a conundrum as I absolutely need alone time to recharge, but the social butterfly in me now feels jipped by my prudent self when I turn down invitations or purposely not make plans.  It was one thing to turn down invitations when I was burnt out, and didn't want to go out.  It's another thing when I want to do everything, but can't, because unfortunately I am human and cannot be omnipresent.  Dang it!

It's Official!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It's OFFICIAL!!!
My best friend is engaged!!!

FINALLY.

This is the culmination of much girl talk.

I've been waiting for "the call" for years now even before she met her fiance, wondering who will it be, what will it be like, and when will it happen because engagement means the end of much.

It means:

No more "Does he like me, does he not?"
aka uncertainty.
No more lamenting "But whhhhyyy doesn't he like me?"
aka unrequited feelings.
No more boy drama in that sense in general, and can we all give an amen to that? AMEN.
No more "But how long Lord?" or sometimes "WTF?! Where the hell is he, God?" 
aka no more waiting whilst sitting in the dark.
No more loose ends!


*All the italics are mine own thoughts.

Engagement also means the start of much.

The start of:

A whole genre of girl talk that is very dear and close to my artsy heart: wedding planning.
Actually genres, there are more that I shan't list.  Tee-hee.
A whole new life together for them.
A pug. *
Dress shopping, and shopping in general.
Presents.  Presents galore.  For her, not me, but I get to do the shopping, so see above.

* He gave her a pug, her favourite type o' doggie.   Whilst I think the majority are ugly, I am determined to like this one.

I am floating on cloud nine, and am in a tizzy.
No other wedding will ever mean this much to me except for my own.

Five Good Things

1.  Coconut Cream Chai Tea
2.  TIFF
3.  Homebaked cookies from friends.
4.  Fall soups
5.  Theatre acting classes

Sometimes I do wonder...
If I am meant to be single, when will I ever give up on being married or would I always cling to that small shred of..."maybe"?

What would it look like to give up hope completely?
Scary, I should think.

It would be nice to go overseas with someone, especially if you're going to a place with few people that share your faith, and especially if it's for the long haul, and not just a year or two.

But I'm not about to wait for a husband before I go. 
Who am I to put conditions on God, and dilly dally when billions are perishing?
C'mon now.

Yet despite my sometimes snide, cynical, and bitter misgivings about guys and romance, which I am trying to curb, there is still hope burning inside.  

Not hope in what I see because I can't see very far.
Not hope in ratios and probabilities because next year is about to dramatically reduce my chances.
Not hope in my wiles because...what wiles?

But hope that my Lord is all over this.
Like white on rice.
That He totally knows what He's doing.
That somewhere out there in that huge world,
He's saved one great guy for me.

Dibs for Shelly.

And so in faith, not arrogant presumption,
I write my future hubby letters and postcards.
I save him pictures.
I joke with my friends about engagement presents.
We laugh about me being a submissive and quiet housewife. 
(The kicker lies in the quiet, not the submissive.  Believe it or not, I will submit.)
I make sure my BFF is willing to traverse the Pacific Ocean if I get married overseas.

Oh, Us Girls

Girls, in our bid for love, sometimes we immaturely ask the wrong questions, and we set the wrong standards. 

As we go through our mental checklist we ask:

"Is he good enough?"

Then we either fall into one of two errors:
1) In desperation, we quickly "pass" the guy and settle for good enough. 
As in, "Yeah I'm tired of waiting, of holding out, so yeah he's good enough."

Or

2) In arrogance, we decide no, he's not the Prince Charming we've been dreaming of.
As in, "No, you don't meet all of my 1,001 expectations of who exactly I want to marry.  As if."

(I know I'm making grand and sweeping generalizations, but it's late and I don't really want to write a lengthy post.)

I wonder if the better question to ask would be

"Is he the best fit for me, and vice versa?"

Because that would guard against both extremes of settling for someone who doesn't fit, and having unrealistic expectations.

As in, "Yeah, you've got all the proper, orthodox theology, but are we even on the same wavelength???"

As in, "Yeah, you're not Brad Pitt or Mark Driscoll, or whoever, but I'm not Jennifer Aniston either." 

Dear Heartache,

You are starting to pack up.
Sometimes I forget that you're even here at all,
which is good for my friends
because I'm sure no one wants to hear how you continue to irk me so.
Though you have to admit they have been kinder to you than I have.

Soon you will leave.
What a relief.
It'll be so good not to have you as a constant companion,
keeping me up at night,
waking me at ungodly hours in the morning,
and poking your nose in
when all I wanted to do was to forget that you were here.

Yet at the sight of your bags, I do panic a little.
You have been overzealous in protecting my dear heart.
When you leave, I fear I won't do as good of a job.
Certainly experience can attest to that.

Maybe I will miss you a bit in a weird way.
You have been a good teacher.
But I have a feeling you'll be making check-up trips.

In the meantime I won't be throwing my heart around.

Sincerely,
Me

Am currently experiencing writer's block.

There is not much going on in my mind except the anticipation of a great move in less than a year.  Hopefully.
I will be sorely disappointed if said move does not happen.

I've been mentally packing and unpacking.
Like this morning:

"Coconut cream chai is soooo good.  Note to self:  Pack a lot.  
Self: You know you're wanting to move to South Asia right?  And you're packing TEA?
You see the irony, yes?"


I saw the irony, and yes I do talk to myself.

Other than that my mind is mostly spent cherishing the remaining days here in my beloved Toronto.
Or gnawing on it, rather.
I ruminate over everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Just so I can soak it all in.
One year can turn into one lifetime.
Or not.

But as Jim Elliott once said, "Wherever you are, be all there."

If I Do Move...

How long will it actually take me to become fluent in a new language being immersed in it instead of sitting in a classroom?

I hope I can pick up more than just one language.  Ambitious?  Yes.  I've always been one to bite off more than I can chew.

Even if I move to S. Asia long term (5+ years), and if I get married, I'd definitely want to come back to N. America for a white, in both sense of the word, wedding.

I don't think I'll miss Winter, but I'll definitely miss Fall.

I really hope HR will approve my application.

An Ode

Being a part of a community at Grace Toronto has been a big blessing and a huge answer to prayer.  

I love them more and more every time I hang out with them.

Deep down I don't think I ever thought it was possible to find such a loving, Christ-centred community at church, even though that's where you're suppose to find it.  

There's just something very special about my group of friends.  

I can't put my finger on it.

They are friends...

1) who are inclusive of everyone.

2) and not only are they inclusive, they make you feel truly valued and appreciated.

3) enjoy you for you, especially your quirks, not in spite of, so you feel comfortable in your skin around them.

4) who are extra-milers, offering you cab money on a late night out, or renting a car to drive you all the way uptown even though they are already home, at 3 in the morning.

5) who have rapier sharp wits.

6) who are generous with everything they've got.

7) who are protective, kind, caring and so on and so forth.  The list of adjectives go on.

8) who love Christ with more than words.

9) who are just safe to be around.

10) who as a group gives you hope for the world in general because they embody who Jesus is.

Extra Note:

And the men!  

The men at my church deserve kudos for having such stellar character.

I say this very platonically:

I am now eating my words, "There are no good men left."

That Great Fear

Burnout has been one of the best things to happen to me because I learned so much about God and myself through it, but I never want to walk through that darkness of the soul again. 

My greatest fear right now is that I might burn out again.
Because apparently, there is little to no recovery from the second time.

I'm not scared of culture shock.
I'm not scared of loneliness.
I'm not scared of not seeing fruit in ministry.
I'm not scared of homesickness.
I'm not scared of stress.
I'm not scared of making a fool out of myself learning a new language, or even languages, plural.
I'm not scared of beginning to hate a cuisine that I love.

But I am scared that together, it'll be too much.  That they'll burn me out.

I'm not scared of adversity.
It's been a great teaching tool in the hands of God.
I'm even starting to learn to embrace it.

But I am scared that one day I might not make it through.

So this is my comfort.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name,
you are mine.
When you pass through the waters I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.
...
Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and 
I love you.
Isaiah 43: 1-2, 4

Five Good Things

1.  Yellow Tail Shiraz Grenesche
2.  Pelee Pink
3.  Frank's Red Hot
4.  "You shouldn't marry a blind man.  Your beauty will be wasted."
5.  The word, "canoodle"

Stay, Stay, Stay

It's funny how once I finalized my decision to leave Canada,
everything familiar,
everything comfortable,
everything safe,
everything fun,
everything and
everyone loved
began to tug on my heartstrings, beckoning me to
stay, stay, stay.

Voices whisper and call out insistently,
"Everything's finally falling into place.  
Stay, stay, stay.

You've finally hit your stride on campus.  
You're thriving in ministry now.
Stay, stay, stay.

Things are finally going well.  
You're not burned out anymore.
You've solid community at work and at church.
Stay, stay, stay.  

You have a wonderful team.
Your friends love you and enjoy you, and you, them.
Stay, stay, stay.

Stay, stay, stay.
If not forever, at least for a few more years." 

These very good reasons to stay, are the very good reasons to leave.
Because it means I'll be leaving in a healthy and good state.

Not burnt out.
Not empty.
Not running away.

If I stayed for every good reason, I'll never leave. 
Because there will always be a reason to stay.
It's time to go.

Five Good Things

1.  Banter
2.  Friends with a fabulous sense of humour
3.  Eggplant
4.  All You Can Eat Indian
5.  Great community at church

"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."
~Blaise Pascal

As my friends console, advise, and shake their wise heads, I can only say,

"If my heart listened to my head, I wouldn't be in this."

I wish my heart listened to, and followed wisdom too.  It's like trying to tame a wild horse.

Priorities

Most of the time there's a billion and one things that I want to do and or want to work on that are floating around in my head.
Most of the time I bite off more than I can chew.
Most of the time I get distracted very easily.

So my priorities for this semester are:

1.  Love the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind.
2.  Be still and listen to God.
3.  Become more disciplined especially with my time and finances.
4.  Be sweet, not defensive.
5.  Be gentle, not harsh.
6.  Be all there.
7.  Do everything well to the best of my abilities.

I am eagerly anticipating this upcoming November.  

Not because I want this year to fly by, 

but because there is something that is a "go" 

and I'm really praying that it doesn't fall through.

I really really want it to go through.

Five Good Things

1.  Kayaking
2.  Tubing
3.  Wake-Boarding [Attempted]
4.  "Congrats on the Herpies" on a DQ ice cream cake.
Spelling mistake is theirs not mine.
5.  Banter

That Bend Around the Road

Actually, I see the bend around the road and what it holds for at least the next year.  (I think.)
I just have to  take a breathe and take the leap of faith.

Speaking of leaps, Hawaii's taught me about jumping off high places.
You build up the capacity to jump off higher and higher places.

I feel strong enough for this upcoming leap.

Option # 767

Option #767:

Move to Maui and become a tattoo artist.

My Life: the Chick Flick

From the producers of "He's Just Not That Into You" and the "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" comes a heartwarming tale of love, friendship, and self-discovery as two friends escape to Hawaii to mend their broken hearts.  Through hilarious twists and turns, the girls discover that sometimes love is closer than you think.   

Starring: Aishwarya Rai, Maggie Cheung, and other hot young Hollywood men

A Poor Defense

As a child, I learned to protect myself with bitterness, anger, hate, vengeance, spite, and cynicism, first against my father, then against the malicious taunts of classmates, and finally against every possible hurt in the world, which meant I guarded myself from everyone.  God included.

I learned to be harsh, to be prickly, to be cold, to be distant so that no one could get close enough to hurt me, but inside it was an entirely different story.  

It took years for God to de-program me.  

Years to trust people, years to enter into real friendships,  and years to live in authentic community.  

He's still de-programming me.

It took years to really trust God.

That He was and is good to me.

Then it took a few more to trust that He really loved me.

I'm still figuring this one out.

Yet at the slightest hurt, the slightest injury, the slightest slight...

The walls of bitterness, anger, hate, vengeance, spite, and cynicism automatically spring up.  

Distance is instantly created in my heart.

Nothing like the love and forgiveness of Christ.

Even though I know the havoc that these walls wreak in my life, I still cling to them because I can't fathom another option.  

Then I get bitter about being bitter, and that my friends is what we call, counter-productive.

The solution to this?  

Besides begging Jesus for help?

I have no idea.

So I'm begging long and hard.

And Therefore Is Wing'd Cupid Painted Blind

I adore Shakespeare.  I love the poetry, the wit, and of course the physical humor.  Even though the plays were written hundreds of years ago, they still resonate with me.  The heroines are so real, and none so real than dear Helena.  This is one of my favourite soliloquy.

Helena's Soliloquy

A Midsummer Night's Dream

Act 1 Scene 1


How happy some o'er other some can be!
Through Athens I am thought as fair as she;
But what of that? Demetrius thinks not so;
He will not know what all but he do know;
And as he errs, doting on Hermia's eyes,
So I, admiring of his qualities.
Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind.
Nor hath Love's mind of any judgment taste;
Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:
And therefore is Love said to be a child,
Because in choice he is so oft beguil'd.
As waggish boys in game themselves forswear,
So the boy Love is perjur'd every where;
For ere Demetrius look'd on Hermia's eyne,
He hail'd down oaths that he was only mine;
And when this hail some heat from Hermia felt,
So he dissolv'd, and showers of oaths did melt
I will go tell him of fair Hermia's flight:
Then to the wood will he to-morrow night
Pursue her; and for this intelligence
If I have thanks, it is a dear expense:
But herein mean I to enrich my pain,
To have his sight thither and back again.


Oh, Helena, I can't blame you.  I probably would've done the same thing.

In His Hands

Honestly, if it weren't for the unconditional love of Christ, 

I don't know how I would cope with the things that life throws at me .

Dearest Heart,

I am so worn out by, and tired of your shenanigans.
You are driving me up. the. wall.
Please, please at least attempt to be reasonable.

Frustratingly yours,
Shells

Delayed Gratification

Delayed gratification.
These two words do not exist in the vocabulary of my life.
As an only child, what I want, I get.
In the real world, this means:
grief.
Because the world does not revolve around, me.
And what I want, I do not always get.
 

Choices, Choices, Choices

Option #: 731
Move to Vancouver.

Reasons:
1) Mountains
2) Ocean
3) Better fobby Asian places than Toronto
4) The artsy fartsy- ness of it all
5) 3 Hours by plane closer to parentals
6) Friends

The scariness of uncertainty has worn off (somewhat), and thankfully, I'm getting excited about the adventure that this quarter-life/mid-life crisis will bring.  There's so much to explore and so much to learn about life, God, and myself.

There are so many choices, but having a lot of choices may not necessarily be better in a sense because it really complicates the decision.  And it seems like a new option pops up every week.

At this point, I wonder... if I can just do it all.

Five Good Things

1.  Getting caught in the rain with friends.
2.  Mountains and oceans together oh my!
3.  Finding a QWERTY keyboard on my phone.  (I am such a geek.)
4.  Dancing in the car.
5.  Window shopping.

As Is

As Is

Pride blinds you to the faults in your life.

So the surprise that, there is indeed that certain flaw in your life, adds salt to the wound of, someone or something letting you in on that "secret".

"What do you mean I'm (insert your flaw of choice here)?"


For years my mom told me that I was too emotional, contentious, bad-tempered, irresponsible, rash, arrogant, moody, and on and on, but I never really believed her because she was my mom, and it is a stated law of nature that everything one's mom says is always negated.

I never believed her until now...

When others have shown me directly or indirectly as the result of conflicts, or situations, or just plain love and concern that, surprise, surprise, I'm not perfect, and that everything my mom pointed out was justified and sadly is very, very true.

Usually when the flaw is pointed out, it grossly glares at you, until you want to run and hide, but where can you run and hide from yourself?  I want to change, but I can't change fast enough so I have to live with it for now, but how can I like myself like this?  How can others?  How can God?

That one flaw is enough to remind you that you are broken and crippled.  Damaged goods.  Less than perfect, and in a world that demands perfection or at least the appearance of perfection, who would want you?

Jesus.

Jesus wants me.  Damaged goods and all.

As is.

And He paid full price.

No I renege.  In terms of crappy feelings, heartache still ranks second after depression.  Uncertainty comes afterwards.  Like so:

1.  Depression
2.  Heartache
3.  Uncertainty

Risky Business

As of right now my top two choices for 2011-2012 both require me to:

1) raise more financial support.
2) move out of the country.
3) leave my friends.  This is a BIG deal.

I'm not a big fan of risk.
I like to minimize any kind of risk in my life because I have a crippling fear of failure, a residue from the Asian culture that I grew up in.

But what if in God's eyes, I cannot possibly fail?

Now there's a mind-blowing idea.

Certainty in Uncertain Times

I hate uncertainty because of
that fear of making a mistake,
that fear of taking a risk and failing,
that fear of the unknown.

But,
He (Jesus) says: "I got your back.  It's ok to fail.  I'll love you anyways."

Meanwhile another option or two just popped up, but the possibilities are starting to excite me, and not scare me.

That Black Vortex of the Unknown

Uncertainty is a (Insert your own noun here.  Mine's not very nice.).

Upon an introspection of my soul, at the request of two darling friends, who thought I was off my rockers when I dropped my bombs about a possible STINT locale for next year, I emerged dazed, confused, and uncertain about my calling in life in general.  It's not even about deciding about location anymore, now it's about reconsidering vocation.

Not to say that STINT in any country is out of the running.  It's an option.  But it's one out of many.


A few weeks ago, one of the women on my project team asked me how I dealt with uncertainty, and I replied blithely that I was fairly ok with it, and sometimes even found it exhilarating.
Well, yeah that's because I've never tasted real uncertainty.

When I was in university, God cured me of my tendency to have 40 year plans, and then He cured me of the 10 year plans, and then He whittled my planning to about 3-5 years ahead.   Not to say that it's bad to plan, but I'm the type to trust in my own planning more so than God's.  You know, one of those control-freaks.  Although I prefer the terms organized and farsighted.

But now I've got no plans.  Zip, zero, nada, nothing.

Many options.  A plethora of options, but no plans.

The uncertainty, that black vortex of the unknown is unsettling, uncomfortable, and utterly undesired by me.

After burnout it is the worst feeling ever.  Yes, even worse than heartbreak because that affects one area of life, but this, THIS affects my entire life.
Yes, I have a tendency to use hyperboles, but I mean it this time!

My first thoughts were:

"I hate it Lord, when You screw with my plans...and I know You're just doing this to bring me closer to You."


Slightly bitter?  A tad.

He said:

"Embrace it."

Addiction

On project, I wondered at the hours I spent in front of my laptop strolling through the websites of the world wide web, and was appalled at the time I wasted.  So I promised myself I wouldn't be such an addict when I returned home.

And now that I'm home.  I wonder, how could I have lived, no, survived, without all my social media networks.

Really?  You expect me to interact with people in person?  One on one?  
Noooo....
The idea!  How absurd!

Actually it's quite amazing that any of us still retain some semblance of social skills.
I really shouldn't be all that surprised by all the awkwardness that happens everyday.

Yes, this is my (recycled) scathing indictment on my generation.  My socially awkward generation.

Change

I like change that is premeditated and planned. 
That you can see from a mile away.
I enjoy those kinds of change.

I don't like the type of change that sneaks up on you, and bites you in the rear end.
Those aren't fun.

And so it wasn't fun to realize that the ducks I thought I had all in a row...weren't really in a row.

Cryptic?  Yes.
Because there's so much more to this than I can blog about.
Whatever you're thinking this is about.  It's probably not. 

Moral of the story?
I like being in charge or being under the illusion that I am in charge.
But the reality is I'm not.

You'd think I'd get use to this by now, but nopes.

Too Early

Apparently I can't apply this early for STINT next year.  Bummer.

On the bright side perhaps a team can be raised up for Gateway within a year, and I can be on that team.

Who knows?

You heard it here first.

Weaning

I'm now into my last week on my selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors.  Read: Anti-depressants.  I just love putting it out there.  "It" being the fact that I am on anti-depressants, and am now coming off of them.  Because:

1) Anti-depressants, they've still got that social stigma about them, and everybody kinda still keeps it hush hush.  Nobody really talks about it.  So I like to talk about it, in hopes to help remove the social stigma.

2) I'm a shock value kinda girl.  I get such a kick, shocking people within limits of course.  Oh the things I could do...
Note to self:  Boys with conservative parents will probably not like me as a daughter-in-law.
Self: Duly noted.

Ok, away from the tangent.  I love my meds, and I would hug them if they were a person, but they're not, so I can't.  But now we part ways because I don't need them anymore, and I really don't want to go through the trouble of finding new anti-depressants after they've been stolen in a foreign country, and then going through a week of withdrawal symptoms  if I don't really have to.  Some chick in Asia is having fun with my Cipralex right now...

I was definitely paranoid at first, jumping at every mood flux.  At one point I was a bit worried about a prolonged mood dip... until I reminded myself that I've been in suburbia for about a week. 

So we're good.  And by we, I mean, me.

Five Good Things

1.  Big Bang Theory
2.  Salman Rushdie
3.  Tans
4.  Kayaking
5.  Travelling

And Now We Wait...

The STINT application for next year is in.

And now we wait...

oh and "SUPPLIES"

Post Project Thoughts

I am...

happy to be back, but even more excited to go back.
more mellow.  Go figure.
and less maintenance too.  Whoa.
relieved that I don't have to worry about finding a clean bathroom.
incredibly refreshed and rejuvenated. 

Yay Jesus.

In a week I'll be back for reals.

I wonder what my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual state will be like?

How will I have grown?

What will I have learned?

How many ice cream bars will I have eaten?

An infamous day, today is.

Can you guess why?

Five Good Things

1.  Mushrooms on a stick.
2.  Immodium
3.  Inside jokes
4.  Teams
5.  Hand Sanitizer

After the Hype

I type this post 13 days after the 7.1 magnitude earthquake and the 40 plus aftershocks that have devastated Haiti.

This however is being published four months later, after the major media hype.

I applaud the outpouring of compassion, sympathy, and funds, but I wonder how long before we forget?

It is guesstimated that it will take 30-40 years to rebuild Haiti. Sure, the funds poured in for emergency relief, for food, water, medical supplies, but what about next year? And the year after? 30 years down the road? After the next catastrophe?

Will the world still remember Haiti?

Will the world still give so that Haitians won't be building cheap flimsy buildings that will collapse at the slightest tremble?

I wonder.

Like a moth to a flame, like a moth to a flame.

That's the mental imagery that I have of myself these past few months.
Only, unlike the moth I know it's going to hurt me if I venture close.

Sometimes I wish my brain could just run my life on autopilot.

Cryptic much?  Yeah, I try.

Streamline

I need to streamline my life, proactively reducing stressors where I can, and plan for stressors that I can't instead of reacting to them.

So here's the plan:

1.  Identify top 5 stressors in life.
2.  Evaluate, is this something I can reduce or is this something I can plan for?
3.  Come up with game plan for each stressor.
4.  Put game plan into action.

Eagerly Anticipating... [Hawaii Edition]

1.  Climbing a volcano.

2.  Surfing.
And by surfing I mean swimming with a surf board, because I'll probably stay on that thing for a few nanoseconds.
I can see the headlines now:  "Tourist gets eaten by Lyle the local shark."

3.  Going to a Luau.
Aloha grass skirts and coconuts.

4.  Getting that golden brown tan.  Grin.

5.  Going camera happy.  J.D., B.B. and I are going to have a fabulous time.

Here We Go!

Cuz we're leeaaaaaaaaving on a jet plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane...

All I ask for is a smooth landing.  That's it.

Later

Of all my bad habits, the one that I hate the most is procrastination.
I procrastinate when it comes to the smallest things, and especially when something stresses me out.
It bothers me so much now that I realize it that I constantly procrastinate.

How to outwit this dumb part of me?  I must come up with a plan.

Five Good Things [Memory Lane Edition]

1.  Lounging on a king size bed reading Gone With the Wind whilst listening to the rain and ocean.
2.  Driving on lolling hills exploring Martha's Vineyard.
3.  That horrendously, hilariously, epic FAIL of a parking job in Boston.
4.  FRESH seafood.
5.  Making super awesome memories with my BFF.

Stuck In My Head

1.  Whataya Want From Me- Adam Lambert
At first I liked it, but now it's overplayed, and I want to puke.

2.  Need You Now- Lady Antebullum
When I first saw their name, I thought they were a weird rock band.  Country was FAR from my mind.

3.  Alejandro-  Lady Gaga
Such a catchy tune.  Makes me want to move south.

4.  Bad Romance- Lady Gaga
Again...her tunes are so addictive, but I really don't like the lyrics to this one.

5.  Break Your Heart- Taio Cruz
Catchy tune.  Stupid lyrics.

Prayer

This marks the official start of my summer!

I am praying that this summer will be:

rejuvenating...
healing...
and transforming...

amongst many other things.

Five Good Things

1.  Driving in a red mini cooper with a sunroof and a hybrid transmission.
2.  Massages.
3.  Tying up loose ends.
4.  Ale.
5.  Leftovers.

Booyakalakashaka

Scene:  So my roommate just got a job at my favourite cafe in Toronto, Hotel Gelato.

Cute Barista (my nickname for the guy who always serves me):  So how'd you hear about this?
Roomie:  Well my roommate always comes here.  She's a regular.
CB:  Oh really?  What does she look like?  Maybe I know her.
Roomie:  Well she's Asian.
CB:  Is she hot?
Roomie:  Erm...I don't know.  I'm a girl, and I'm not attracted to girls.  And I'm not attracted to Asians.  She's not ugly.
CB:  I think I know who she is...She's REALLY HOT.

Of course it could be some other really hot asian girl, but I haven't come across any in my frequent visits there so I'm going to assume it's me, and allow my ego to be thoroughly stroked.  :)

Visual Overload

1.  What is with the trend of bridal parties sporting fake mustaches on a stick?
I've seen this in quite a few shoots in the various blogs that I follow.

2.  I need a mood board to design the interior of my new room.
I'm thinking Alice in Wonderland meets French chic.
There is actually a paint colour called Alice Blue...

3.  Need to streamline blogs that I follow.
You know it's too much when your google reader stresses you out.

Type/Delete

Type, type, type, delete, delete, type, delete...

Type, delete, type, delete.

That's what blogging has been like in my head. 
There are SO many things that I want to say, but I can't say.
The words are just festering inside like a pussing, oozing wound.

Things To Do Before I Leave on a Jet Plane

1.  Reload all my music onto the Sheep.
2.  Unpack all summer clothes.
3.  Pack all winter clothes.
4.  Download sermons onto the Jukebox.
5.  Go shopping for over the counter medication for every possible illness because no student on my watch is going to go without necessary meds.
6.  Pack for project.
7.  Write those talks.
8.  Resign lease.
9.  Buy things for the LTs.
10.  Remember all the stuff that I forgot to put on here.

Oh yeah and write future posts.  ;)

Five Good Things

1.  A very twirly skirt.
2.  Compliments: "You look divine tonight."
3.  When a man walks across the room to ask you to dance.
4.  Dances with Louis.
5.  Dips

Hit That Nail on Its Head

"Mei mei*, I couldn't sleep all night because I was thinking about you.  There's nothing wrong with you physically...You're emotionally exhausted."
~Mum

I had been super tired since mid-semester, but I'd just attributed it to sleep deprivation and a busy schedule.  But now I'm still fatigued even though I've been having 12 hour sleeps, and a mild schedule.  It didn't occur to me that I was emotionally exhausted until mum hit the nail right on its head except she was completely wrong about the cause of my emotional exhaustion.

I'd almost written off the fact that I am still recovering from burnout because really it's been two years, but earthgirl wisely reminded me that I took no time off whilst most others did so it's going to be a slower process.

"Poor" is a Matter of Opinion

One of the reasons that I wanted to have my mum visit was so that she can walk a mile in my shoes, and stop fretting about me.

Well she's been walking a mile in my shoes, but the worrying hasn't stopped.  She tells me it's a mother thing.  What can you do?

There's been many a lectures and mini lectures on the issues of my "poor and simple" lifestyle, my potential for "more", and my temperament.  The last one I'll give her.  That is actually an issue, which by God's grace I am starting to address.  But the first two in my opinion are non-issues. 

I understand my potential for "more"- financially.    There's a hundred and one things that I can do to earn more bucks, but I chose three years ago not to, and I still continuously choose not to because I love what I do, and I can't be happier.

As for "poor and simple", that was ironic because in the past month or so I've been thanking the Lord for how rich my life is.  I can't ask for more.

Silence Speaks

Growing up I quickly earned the nickname of "little sparrow".  In China sparrows were always chattering away.  So in other words, I was a chatterbox.  I've always loved to talk, talk, and talk. 

I'm a verbal processor.  I have to talk through things, and when I can't, the words seem to bang against my ribs fighting to get out.  Not talking is painful for me. 

Keeping silent is difficult and uncomfortable in many situations for me, but the hardest times are when I'm misunderstood, challenged, annoyed, offended, or the like.  My usual response is to snap back in defense, which unfortunately has garnered me the reputation of being abrasive, contentious, and temperamental amongst some people. 

Oh joy.

Those are among the very last things that I'd like to be known for.  So in an effort to rectify this, not so that I can be "popular" amongst people, but so that I'd have the quiet and gentle spirit that is precious in the sight of the Lord, I've been trying to bite my tongue (figuratively) and bite my lip (literally) when I've been feeling defensive. 

I'm surprised I don't have bite marks on my lips yet.

But I'm learning that silence goes a long way.

Shi Xin

shi xin
死 心.

"Shi xin" is one of those tricky nuanced phrases where the full meaning is lost in translation.

To "shi xin" in mandarin figuratively means something akin to making a decisive commitment to let go of something or someone or a situation.  To give up and to move on.  To get over it so to speak.

Literally translated it means:

"Die, heart," or "dead heart".

Moles and Weeds

These days it feels like I'm playing mental "Whack-a-Mole".
I'm continuously pounding at the lies in my mind, while at the same time, frenetically trying to weed out toxic emotions that spring up threatening to take root and choke out my heart.
It's exhausting.

Silence is Golden

There are words that I want to say.
Things I wish you knew.
There are questions that I want to ask.
Answers that won't eschew.

But sometimes...
somethings are better left unsaid.
and sometimes...
somethings are better left unknown.

Because sometimes,
the sweetest knowledge hurts,
the darkest ignorance is... bliss,
and silence,

Silence is golden.

Be Still

Like Israel, at times I doubt God's sovereignty, goodness, faithfulness, and love .

Sometimes doubt slowly seeps into my heart.
Sometimes doubt stealthily creeps in.
Then there are times when doubt MARCHES RIGHT in and turns everything topsy- turvy.

"Was it because I said...?"
"Was it because I am...?"
"WHY?"
"Why not...?"
"If I..."
"Maybe if I did that or didn't do that..."
"How come...?"
"Did I screw myself over?"
"Am I screwing myself over?"
"Will I screw myself over?"

Questions, ruminations, and speculations throw my heart into a frenzy of maddening panic, grasping at the unknowns, the have been's, and the could have been's.

Yet it is not answers that calms the storm within.
Into this tempest, the Lord speaks and asks "be still and know that I am God."
Know that...

"... [I] can do all things, and that no purpose of [Mine] can be thwarted."
Job 42:2
"... for those who love [Me] all things work together for good."
Romans 8:28
"...no good thing do [I] withhold from those who walk uprightly."
Psalm 84:11
"[I] Who did not spare [My] Own Son, but gave Him up for [you], how will [I] not also with Him graciously give [you] all things?"
Romans 8:32

Deeper and Better

A few months ago when I was hanging out with some friends, I told them that I had loved Jesus more in university.  I felt that back then my passion for Christ was hotter, and my focus on Him was well...more focused.

But now upon contemplation I can honestly say that I love Christ deeper and better than I did in university especially in the last month.

There have been many events in the three years since I've graduated that have been trying and refining, which have pushed me to understand the gospel slightly better than I did in university.  The last month especially plunged me to greater depths of understanding of the love of Christ for me.  Albeit all things considered, my understanding is still as shallow as a tidal pool compared to the vast and mighty ocean.

But yay for growth!
Huzzah!

Wise Words

"There is no switch [that you can turn on and off].  If there was a switch, it wouldn't be love...love lingers."  

A friend and I were talking about burnout and depression.

They affect us, yes.  But do they define us?  No.

Burnout, depression, S.A.D., and the like, they affect our moods, our energy levels, our interactions with others amongst many other things.  Yes, it's hard to understand.  Yes, it's difficult for us to live with, and yes, it's difficult for those around us as well.  We don't deny this.

We know that for someone on the outside looking in it can seem like it has completely taken over our beings, that it has consumed us, that it defines us, but it doesn't.  That's only the tip of the iceberg.

Christ defines us.
Our identities lies in what Christ has done for us, who we are in Him, and who He has made us to be.   If you look closer you'll see that there's more than just fatigue, tears, sadness, and darkness.  If you look deeper you'll see character being built.

You'll see faith being anchored more firmly in Jesus.
You'll see grace, mercy, and forgiveness being comprehended to greater depth.
You'll see endurance and patience slowly ripening.
You'll see wisdom gained.
You'll see hope blossoming, hope that cannot be shaken.
You'll see kindness and empathy that only those who've experienced such brokenness can know.
You'll see love that's been refined.

Yet, the sad part is that people don't understand and don't see beyond the surface.
We do not allow our burdens to define us, but sadly others do.
So to add grief onto grief we've been misunderstood.
We've been given up on.
We've been passed over for someone else.
Someone else who is less "complicated", is less "difficult",  and whose life is less "messy".

But there are those who do stand by us who understand like Christ that love is not convenient, love is not easy, and love is not painless, and who understand that there is no one on this earth who isn't complicated, who isn't difficult, who isn't messy.

There are those who truly love like Christ.
Who sacrifices self, who endures through hardship, and who bears pain.  Even that not of their own.
And to those people we say "thank you."

Five Good Things

1.  Good Friday
2.  Hotel Gelato
3.  J-Pop revisited
4.  TWO dances with CBG.  TWO!!!  I am giddy.
5.  Summer dresses

Vengeance is From the Lord, But I Couldn't Resist...

Tonight was the joint Good Friday service between my church, my former church, and two others.  I had been looking forward to it for a month or so now.  Never has Good Friday and Easter Sunday been so meaningful to me.  The past few weeks have been instrumental in my experience and understanding of Christ's unfathomable and magnificent love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

That said, I definitely pulled an awesome prank tonight.

I owed one of the students involved in our movement money for books that he purchased for me with his employee discount.  Little did I know that he had told everyone that I had paid him to keep me company...until he told me tonight.  Even worse, people actually believed him, which makes me wonder what kind of vibes I'm sending off on campus...c'mon now!  SERIOUSLY?  Even one of the other staff believed him!

So since I was there with Bono and her brother, whom no one knew.  I went up to said student and Bono's brother who pretended to be my boyfriend, and confronted him.

He looked scared.

I laughed.  Out LOUD.
Repeatedly.
For the rest of the night.

(You could call it cackling.)

And no, he still does not know that I do not actually have a boyfriend unless he read this or someone told him.