A Poor Defense

As a child, I learned to protect myself with bitterness, anger, hate, vengeance, spite, and cynicism, first against my father, then against the malicious taunts of classmates, and finally against every possible hurt in the world, which meant I guarded myself from everyone.  God included.

I learned to be harsh, to be prickly, to be cold, to be distant so that no one could get close enough to hurt me, but inside it was an entirely different story.  

It took years for God to de-program me.  

Years to trust people, years to enter into real friendships,  and years to live in authentic community.  

He's still de-programming me.

It took years to really trust God.

That He was and is good to me.

Then it took a few more to trust that He really loved me.

I'm still figuring this one out.

Yet at the slightest hurt, the slightest injury, the slightest slight...

The walls of bitterness, anger, hate, vengeance, spite, and cynicism automatically spring up.  

Distance is instantly created in my heart.

Nothing like the love and forgiveness of Christ.

Even though I know the havoc that these walls wreak in my life, I still cling to them because I can't fathom another option.  

Then I get bitter about being bitter, and that my friends is what we call, counter-productive.

The solution to this?  

Besides begging Jesus for help?

I have no idea.

So I'm begging long and hard.