Five Good Things [Memory Lane Edition]

1.  Lounging on a king size bed reading Gone With the Wind whilst listening to the rain and ocean.
2.  Driving on lolling hills exploring Martha's Vineyard.
3.  That horrendously, hilariously, epic FAIL of a parking job in Boston.
4.  FRESH seafood.
5.  Making super awesome memories with my BFF.

Stuck In My Head

1.  Whataya Want From Me- Adam Lambert
At first I liked it, but now it's overplayed, and I want to puke.

2.  Need You Now- Lady Antebullum
When I first saw their name, I thought they were a weird rock band.  Country was FAR from my mind.

3.  Alejandro-  Lady Gaga
Such a catchy tune.  Makes me want to move south.

4.  Bad Romance- Lady Gaga
Again...her tunes are so addictive, but I really don't like the lyrics to this one.

5.  Break Your Heart- Taio Cruz
Catchy tune.  Stupid lyrics.

Prayer

This marks the official start of my summer!

I am praying that this summer will be:

rejuvenating...
healing...
and transforming...

amongst many other things.

Five Good Things

1.  Driving in a red mini cooper with a sunroof and a hybrid transmission.
2.  Massages.
3.  Tying up loose ends.
4.  Ale.
5.  Leftovers.

Booyakalakashaka

Scene:  So my roommate just got a job at my favourite cafe in Toronto, Hotel Gelato.

Cute Barista (my nickname for the guy who always serves me):  So how'd you hear about this?
Roomie:  Well my roommate always comes here.  She's a regular.
CB:  Oh really?  What does she look like?  Maybe I know her.
Roomie:  Well she's Asian.
CB:  Is she hot?
Roomie:  Erm...I don't know.  I'm a girl, and I'm not attracted to girls.  And I'm not attracted to Asians.  She's not ugly.
CB:  I think I know who she is...She's REALLY HOT.

Of course it could be some other really hot asian girl, but I haven't come across any in my frequent visits there so I'm going to assume it's me, and allow my ego to be thoroughly stroked.  :)

Visual Overload

1.  What is with the trend of bridal parties sporting fake mustaches on a stick?
I've seen this in quite a few shoots in the various blogs that I follow.

2.  I need a mood board to design the interior of my new room.
I'm thinking Alice in Wonderland meets French chic.
There is actually a paint colour called Alice Blue...

3.  Need to streamline blogs that I follow.
You know it's too much when your google reader stresses you out.

Type/Delete

Type, type, type, delete, delete, type, delete...

Type, delete, type, delete.

That's what blogging has been like in my head. 
There are SO many things that I want to say, but I can't say.
The words are just festering inside like a pussing, oozing wound.

Things To Do Before I Leave on a Jet Plane

1.  Reload all my music onto the Sheep.
2.  Unpack all summer clothes.
3.  Pack all winter clothes.
4.  Download sermons onto the Jukebox.
5.  Go shopping for over the counter medication for every possible illness because no student on my watch is going to go without necessary meds.
6.  Pack for project.
7.  Write those talks.
8.  Resign lease.
9.  Buy things for the LTs.
10.  Remember all the stuff that I forgot to put on here.

Oh yeah and write future posts.  ;)

Five Good Things

1.  A very twirly skirt.
2.  Compliments: "You look divine tonight."
3.  When a man walks across the room to ask you to dance.
4.  Dances with Louis.
5.  Dips

Hit That Nail on Its Head

"Mei mei*, I couldn't sleep all night because I was thinking about you.  There's nothing wrong with you physically...You're emotionally exhausted."
~Mum

I had been super tired since mid-semester, but I'd just attributed it to sleep deprivation and a busy schedule.  But now I'm still fatigued even though I've been having 12 hour sleeps, and a mild schedule.  It didn't occur to me that I was emotionally exhausted until mum hit the nail right on its head except she was completely wrong about the cause of my emotional exhaustion.

I'd almost written off the fact that I am still recovering from burnout because really it's been two years, but earthgirl wisely reminded me that I took no time off whilst most others did so it's going to be a slower process.

"Poor" is a Matter of Opinion

One of the reasons that I wanted to have my mum visit was so that she can walk a mile in my shoes, and stop fretting about me.

Well she's been walking a mile in my shoes, but the worrying hasn't stopped.  She tells me it's a mother thing.  What can you do?

There's been many a lectures and mini lectures on the issues of my "poor and simple" lifestyle, my potential for "more", and my temperament.  The last one I'll give her.  That is actually an issue, which by God's grace I am starting to address.  But the first two in my opinion are non-issues. 

I understand my potential for "more"- financially.    There's a hundred and one things that I can do to earn more bucks, but I chose three years ago not to, and I still continuously choose not to because I love what I do, and I can't be happier.

As for "poor and simple", that was ironic because in the past month or so I've been thanking the Lord for how rich my life is.  I can't ask for more.

Silence Speaks

Growing up I quickly earned the nickname of "little sparrow".  In China sparrows were always chattering away.  So in other words, I was a chatterbox.  I've always loved to talk, talk, and talk. 

I'm a verbal processor.  I have to talk through things, and when I can't, the words seem to bang against my ribs fighting to get out.  Not talking is painful for me. 

Keeping silent is difficult and uncomfortable in many situations for me, but the hardest times are when I'm misunderstood, challenged, annoyed, offended, or the like.  My usual response is to snap back in defense, which unfortunately has garnered me the reputation of being abrasive, contentious, and temperamental amongst some people. 

Oh joy.

Those are among the very last things that I'd like to be known for.  So in an effort to rectify this, not so that I can be "popular" amongst people, but so that I'd have the quiet and gentle spirit that is precious in the sight of the Lord, I've been trying to bite my tongue (figuratively) and bite my lip (literally) when I've been feeling defensive. 

I'm surprised I don't have bite marks on my lips yet.

But I'm learning that silence goes a long way.

Shi Xin

shi xin
死 心.

"Shi xin" is one of those tricky nuanced phrases where the full meaning is lost in translation.

To "shi xin" in mandarin figuratively means something akin to making a decisive commitment to let go of something or someone or a situation.  To give up and to move on.  To get over it so to speak.

Literally translated it means:

"Die, heart," or "dead heart".

Moles and Weeds

These days it feels like I'm playing mental "Whack-a-Mole".
I'm continuously pounding at the lies in my mind, while at the same time, frenetically trying to weed out toxic emotions that spring up threatening to take root and choke out my heart.
It's exhausting.

Silence is Golden

There are words that I want to say.
Things I wish you knew.
There are questions that I want to ask.
Answers that won't eschew.

But sometimes...
somethings are better left unsaid.
and sometimes...
somethings are better left unknown.

Because sometimes,
the sweetest knowledge hurts,
the darkest ignorance is... bliss,
and silence,

Silence is golden.

Be Still

Like Israel, at times I doubt God's sovereignty, goodness, faithfulness, and love .

Sometimes doubt slowly seeps into my heart.
Sometimes doubt stealthily creeps in.
Then there are times when doubt MARCHES RIGHT in and turns everything topsy- turvy.

"Was it because I said...?"
"Was it because I am...?"
"WHY?"
"Why not...?"
"If I..."
"Maybe if I did that or didn't do that..."
"How come...?"
"Did I screw myself over?"
"Am I screwing myself over?"
"Will I screw myself over?"

Questions, ruminations, and speculations throw my heart into a frenzy of maddening panic, grasping at the unknowns, the have been's, and the could have been's.

Yet it is not answers that calms the storm within.
Into this tempest, the Lord speaks and asks "be still and know that I am God."
Know that...

"... [I] can do all things, and that no purpose of [Mine] can be thwarted."
Job 42:2
"... for those who love [Me] all things work together for good."
Romans 8:28
"...no good thing do [I] withhold from those who walk uprightly."
Psalm 84:11
"[I] Who did not spare [My] Own Son, but gave Him up for [you], how will [I] not also with Him graciously give [you] all things?"
Romans 8:32

Deeper and Better

A few months ago when I was hanging out with some friends, I told them that I had loved Jesus more in university.  I felt that back then my passion for Christ was hotter, and my focus on Him was well...more focused.

But now upon contemplation I can honestly say that I love Christ deeper and better than I did in university especially in the last month.

There have been many events in the three years since I've graduated that have been trying and refining, which have pushed me to understand the gospel slightly better than I did in university.  The last month especially plunged me to greater depths of understanding of the love of Christ for me.  Albeit all things considered, my understanding is still as shallow as a tidal pool compared to the vast and mighty ocean.

But yay for growth!
Huzzah!

Wise Words

"There is no switch [that you can turn on and off].  If there was a switch, it wouldn't be love...love lingers."  

A friend and I were talking about burnout and depression.

They affect us, yes.  But do they define us?  No.

Burnout, depression, S.A.D., and the like, they affect our moods, our energy levels, our interactions with others amongst many other things.  Yes, it's hard to understand.  Yes, it's difficult for us to live with, and yes, it's difficult for those around us as well.  We don't deny this.

We know that for someone on the outside looking in it can seem like it has completely taken over our beings, that it has consumed us, that it defines us, but it doesn't.  That's only the tip of the iceberg.

Christ defines us.
Our identities lies in what Christ has done for us, who we are in Him, and who He has made us to be.   If you look closer you'll see that there's more than just fatigue, tears, sadness, and darkness.  If you look deeper you'll see character being built.

You'll see faith being anchored more firmly in Jesus.
You'll see grace, mercy, and forgiveness being comprehended to greater depth.
You'll see endurance and patience slowly ripening.
You'll see wisdom gained.
You'll see hope blossoming, hope that cannot be shaken.
You'll see kindness and empathy that only those who've experienced such brokenness can know.
You'll see love that's been refined.

Yet, the sad part is that people don't understand and don't see beyond the surface.
We do not allow our burdens to define us, but sadly others do.
So to add grief onto grief we've been misunderstood.
We've been given up on.
We've been passed over for someone else.
Someone else who is less "complicated", is less "difficult",  and whose life is less "messy".

But there are those who do stand by us who understand like Christ that love is not convenient, love is not easy, and love is not painless, and who understand that there is no one on this earth who isn't complicated, who isn't difficult, who isn't messy.

There are those who truly love like Christ.
Who sacrifices self, who endures through hardship, and who bears pain.  Even that not of their own.
And to those people we say "thank you."

Five Good Things

1.  Good Friday
2.  Hotel Gelato
3.  J-Pop revisited
4.  TWO dances with CBG.  TWO!!!  I am giddy.
5.  Summer dresses

Vengeance is From the Lord, But I Couldn't Resist...

Tonight was the joint Good Friday service between my church, my former church, and two others.  I had been looking forward to it for a month or so now.  Never has Good Friday and Easter Sunday been so meaningful to me.  The past few weeks have been instrumental in my experience and understanding of Christ's unfathomable and magnificent love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

That said, I definitely pulled an awesome prank tonight.

I owed one of the students involved in our movement money for books that he purchased for me with his employee discount.  Little did I know that he had told everyone that I had paid him to keep me company...until he told me tonight.  Even worse, people actually believed him, which makes me wonder what kind of vibes I'm sending off on campus...c'mon now!  SERIOUSLY?  Even one of the other staff believed him!

So since I was there with Bono and her brother, whom no one knew.  I went up to said student and Bono's brother who pretended to be my boyfriend, and confronted him.

He looked scared.

I laughed.  Out LOUD.
Repeatedly.
For the rest of the night.

(You could call it cackling.)

And no, he still does not know that I do not actually have a boyfriend unless he read this or someone told him.

In Anticipation of Easter

This week it seemed like that I was running smack dab into the ugliness of my sin, 

EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT.  

It's lurking everywhere...  

In so many different shapes, forms, and sizes!  

ARGH!

Pride! 

Anger!

Fear!

Selfishness!

Idolatry!

Bitterness!

Laziness!

Were it not for experiencing and understanding more the depth and the beauty of Calvary in the past month or so I would've been quite discouraged.  

How exquisite the beauty of the Cross.

Come, Lord Jesus, come.

Grand Plans for Mum's 53rd

Ever since I moved out of the nest 7-8ish years ago I've gotten to celebrate my mum's birthday with her twice.  I'm SO excited for her upcoming visit.  Lots of things planned, but am most excited about her birthday.

1.  Brunch in bed with fresh flowers.
2.  Taking her shopping and buying her a dressy outfit for a dinner out.
3.  Matinee movie before dinner.
4.  Dinner and drinks at Panorama.
5.  A big hug and a big kiss.

You Don't Get This Anymore

My love has made me selfish. I cannot exist without you — I am forgetful of every thing but seeing you again — my Life seems to stop there — I see no further. You have absorb'd me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I was dissolving — I should be exquisitely miserable without the hope of soon seeing you. [...] I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion — I have shudder'd at it — I shudder no more — I could be martyr'd for my Religion — Love is my religion — I could die for that — I could die for you. (Letter, 13 October 1819).

John Keats to Fanny Brawne

Four Great Classics

The Four Great Classics of Chinese Literature

1.  Romance of the Three Kingdoms (sān guó yǎn yì)

2.  Water Margin (shuǐ hǔ zhuàn)

3.   Journey to the West (xī yóu jì)

4.  Dream of the Red Chamber (hóng lóu mèng)

Five BAD Reasons to Serve Somewhere Overseas Long Term

1.  You drool over the clothing.
2.  You also drool over the food.
3.  And the actors...
4.  And the music and the dancing.
5.  You want to knock off some tourist sites off your bucket list.
 

I daresay many people have a warped understanding of love, at worst, and a shallow understanding at best, myself included.  Perhaps this is why people feel as if they don't experience God's love because they're looking for what they constitute as "love", which is a sad mockery of the real deal.

Love is not convenient by any means.
Love is not easy by any means.
Love is not painless by any means.

No one understands this better than Christ.

This Is What a Good Day Looks Like

1.  Sharing the gospel.
2.  Training younger women to share the gospel.
3.  Studying the Bible.
4.  Training younger women to study the Bible.
5.  Buying beads and buttons.
6.  Chilling with my small group:
*eating good food
*drinking good beer
*playing euchre
*telling poop stories
*making fun of each other
7.  Dancing

I love...

I love my life...
I love my relationship with Christ.
I love my church family.
I love my small group.
I love my friends.
I love my work.
I love my family.
I love my city.
I love my life.

My New Comebacks and Excuses

Comebacks
1) "You're so lucky I found Jesus."
Note:  I will be ignoring the theological implications.

2) "Thanks for nothing you useless reptile."

Excuses
1) "It's the heroin."

Behind Closed Doors

Scene: Breakfast
Schnurgh Schnurgh:  Awww...my roommate made me breakfast.
Me:  For all the times you brought me the tissue box.


Scene: I just broke my favourite mug.

Me: i just broke my favourite mug!!!!!  T___________T

BFF: oh noooo 

which one?  how?

Me: starbucks

coffee beans

i'm actually upset

tear

BFF: oh dear

Me: well actually

BFF: maybe you could find another one?

Me: the handle broke off

so it can still be used

BFF: oooh you can get superglue

and glue the handle on!

Me: umm..the handle shattered into many pieces much like my heart a month ago

drama queen? yes, i am

Scene: I am relating this conversation to Schnurgh Schnurgh who is sitting across from me.

Me: So I just told my BFF that my heart shattered into many pieces much like my mug.

Schnurgh Schnurgh: Did you clean it up?

Me: Of course I did!

Schnurgh Schnurgh: Ok, cause I don't want someone to come over and slit their leg open...

Me: Like my heart!

Schnurgh Schnurgh: NO!  Oh dear, you're going to relate this to every person's tragic experience.

Schnurgh Schnurgh mimicking potential conversation: 

"I'm dying." 

"Just like I did!"

Scene: Watching a Bollywood dance scene on Youtube.

Me: Oh we can take dance lessons when we move to India!

Time passes...

Me: I want to go to the Taj Mahal

Schnurgh Schnurgh: I want to go to Kerala.  

Time passes...

Schnurgh Schnurgh: Did you know that the Taj Mahal is sinking?

Silence

Schnurgh Schnurgh: Oh you didn't say it!

Me: LIKE MY HEART!!!

Schnurgh Schnurgh:  NOO

Scene: Puttering Around the Apartment
Me: Sigh.  I need to install Parallels.  I get so distracted.  
Schnurgh Schnurgh:  Did you just say "heroin"?
Me: NO!  I said 'Parallels'.
Schnurgh Schnurgh: THEY DON'T EVEN RHYME.  In my head I was thinking 'My roommate is a heroin addict.  Is this what she does on her day off?  I don't want to be here on Mondays.'

Tourist in My Own City

Toronto is so interesting because even after living here for three years there's still so much to explore.  I adore kitschy neighborhoods, and I haven't even gotten to them all yet.  And of course after exploring, I have to go back and frequent the gems that I've discovered.

Spring is exploration season.  Blog T.O. has all these "Best of Toronto Lists".
*Best New Cafes
*Best Croissants
(I am still determined to find a decent croissant this side of the Atlantic)
*Best Cheap Eats
*Best Huevo Rancheros

Let the exploration begin!

How are you exploring your city?

Ingredients to a Fab Night

1.  Good company
2.  Two burritos
3.  A walk through Chinatown and Kensington
4.  A musical performed by another friend
5.  Tim Horton's coffee
6.  Live jazz at the Reservoir Lounge
7.  McDonald's

Mum:  I just wanted to let you know that it doesn't matter to me what kind of person [translation: ethnicity] you end up with in the future as long as he loves you and cherishes you...I only just want you to be happy.

Thanks mum. 

Forgiveness is hard.

Five Things to Work On

1.  Integrity
Honesty is conforming my words to reality.
Integrity is conforming reality to my words.
~Michael Hyatt
i.e. being punctual, not double booking, not procrastinating, not exaggerating for story-telling effect.


"...let your "yes" be yes and your "no" be no..." James 5:20

2.  Humility
 Humility is honestly assessing ourselves in light of God's holiness and our sinfulness.
~C.J. Mahaney
i.e. listening with discernment to everyone's input regardless of age and position, and so much more application points...


"...but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:3

3.  Discipline/Self-Control
A man without self-control i slike a city broken into and left without walls.
~Solomon
i.e. focus, the way I spend my time, finances, eating habits, sleeping habits, habits in general.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..." Galatians 5:22

4.  Emotional Maturity
Youth fades-immaturity lingers.
~Unknown
i.e. the way I handle difficult situations, watching that temper, increasing accurate self-awareness.

"...we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ..." Ephesians 4:15

5.  Words 
Every day, your words give your relationships their tone.  Every day you tell people what you think of them, what you want from them, and what you would like to enjoy with them.
~ Tim Lane and Paul Tripp
i.e. thinking before speaking, watching my tone, building up and not tearing down, not being defensive and or abrasive.

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."  Ephesians 4:29

Eagerly looking forward to reading:

1.  Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die
2.  Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard
3.  Axiom
4.  Death by Meeting: A Leadership Fable...About Solving the Most Painful Thing In Business
5.  The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable
6.  The Prodigal God
7.  Counterfeit Gods

On Character

We choose who we are in five years, today.
~ Graham Watt, paraphrased from memory

The word character or its equivalent, i.e. solid, is something that we throw around too easily nowadays because the very essence of character is that it's built up little by little over time. 

Aristotle said, "We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."

The well known maxim goes:
"Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action; reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny."

Character is therefore not characterized by how much theology I know or can spout [intelligence], nor is it characterized by the title of my job [status/station], nor is it characterized by how witty or charming I am [personality].  It is characterized by the accumulation of each minute and even [seemingly] mundane decision and action.

That said, I have sorely and slovenly neglected the development of my character in this past year.  I dare say I have regressed in some ways.

Ever get so fed up with people that you just either:

a) Want to go live in a cave somewhere ALONE.
b) Nuke the entire world.
c) [b] first and then [a]

No? Just me? Ok...then this book's not for you.
[By the by, aren't you glad that I don't have access to weapons of mass destruction?]

Relationships: A Mess Worth Making by Tim Lane and Paul Tripp is the best book I've read on relationships thus far.  Not just romantic ones.  They are talking about relationships in general; friendships, partnerships, familial ties, etc...
So from here on in when I say the word: relationship it's not just talking about romantic ones.

*Definition of relationship
 What is a relationship?  The intersection of the stories of two people.  The problem is that an awful lot of carnage takes place at this intersection.

*Biblical basis for being a relational being and being in relationships.
Since relationships are about being other-centred, the self-centredness of sin will inevitably subvert God's design.

*Proper basis for one's identity in Christ within a relationship.
When love for God is replaced by love for self, people become either obstacles that hinder goals or vehicles that promote them.

*Good, practical, thorough, Biblical conflict resolution.
Conflict with others is one of God's mysterious, counterintuitive ways of rescuing us from ourselves...All kinds of suffering, including conflict with others, can be redemptive because of the grace of God.  By redemptive, we mean that God can use conflict (as well as everything else in our lives) to defeat sin in us and make us more like Christ, with a love for him and others that reflects his nature.
  
*Forgiveness: What is it?  How does it work?
 When we choose to practice true forgiveness, the relationship is not just brought back to where it was before the offense; it actually moves further down the road to maturity.


When you forgive someone, you also cancel a debt.  But, more specifically, you make a conscious choice to absorb the cost yourself.  You choose not to make the offender pay for the offense.

My two favourite chapters were on conflict and forgiveness, but SO tough to read because I know I have to eventually put it into practice...I have to pause, ponder, and pray through every paragraph.  Did you read the quotations regarding conflict and forgiveness?  I almost wished I didn't read them.

Highly recommend the book!  I think everyone should read it.

It's a beautiful day.
Don't let it get away.
Beautiful day.

I love Spring. 
I feel so invigorated and ALIVE.

To quote a friend:

I lost my mind for the sake of my heart.

Happy

This one's for you, Yummy Mummy. 
A list of things that make me happy, and what I did to incorporate them into my life yesterday and today.
[Please note:  this is far from being exhaustive.]

1.  Chilling with my family.
Since they're all the way across the country, I settled for a phone call with mummy yesterday.

2.  Hanging with friends talking about both serious things and random things.
Like today, C'money and I chatted about our lives in general, and she informed me about how beta blockers can affect old[er] people's sex lives.  [She's a nurse, and she just wrote this paper.]  Apparently death by sex can happen.  Now there's a way to go.   TMI?  Must be traumatizing for the person's partner though.

3.  Going at my Bible with a ruler and a turquoise pen underlining verses.
It's so GOOD.  I am LOVING Ephesians 1 right now.

4.  Staring at beautiful things and pretty colours.
Schnurgh Schnurgh, my brown roommate, and I spent a good part of the hour today drooling [not on those teal pillows mind you] over sarees on the net.  After which, I decided we should both move to India.

5.  Being crafty.
I sewed two felt flowers, and did a few sketches today with plans for more sketches, and paintings.  The creativity is going off the charts!

6.  Being spontaneous.
Like getting my tongue pierced.

7.  Strolling down Queen St. W.
That neighborhood just embodies everything I adore.  Love it.  Went down it today, but sadly everything was closed.

8.  Meat.
Ate a 6 oz hero burger.  Mhmmmm...

9.  Melted cheese.
Had poutine with said burger.

10. Cleaning.
There's just something therapeutic about it.  Will clean my room later tonight.

11. Sleeping in.
After FOP I slept from 9:30pm-1:00pm with a wake up at 10am in the morning for a little bit.  So delicious!

12.  That morning cup of tea.
I like a little tea with my sugar and milk.

13.  Helping people grow in their relationship with the Lord.
Led DG today, and it was fantastic.  LOVE my girls.

14.  My staff team.
I dearly love and thoroughly enjoy every single person on my team.  Each of them just brings their own spice to the mix, and I can't imagine missing even one of them.  I hate turnover.

15.  Dancing.
Nothing like doing a little boogie to wake yourself up.

16.  Bollywood music.
Seriously nothing picks me up like a good catchy Bollywood tune.  It always works.

17.  Spring.
Can't you just smell the nice warm weather?

18.  Putting together an outfit.
I love mixing and matching from my closet. 

19.  Putting on make-up.
It's like injecting a little artistry into the morning routine.

20.  Ethnic food.
Schnurgh Schnurgh brought home, home made biryani yesterday.  YUM! 

And no, I did not get my tongue pierced.  My teeth would hate me.

It Is Date Season

I thoroughly enjoy my guy friends that I work with for many reasons, but definitely at the top of the list is their spectacular sense of humour.

K.M. via S.A. on gchat:

Mcdonald's coupons came in the mail.
That means it is date season.

That, ladies and gentlemen made my day.

She's a Keeper

Scene:  I get home and burst into tears on the couch.

S.J. looks at me, gets the tissue box, sits down next to me, and says nothing.

I look at her.

S.J.:  I know my duty.

Gotta love that girl. 

Things I Want To Revamp In My Apartment

1.  Make white cushion covers for my teal pillows.
There's so much drool and tears on those things it's sick. 
[Now no one's going to want to touch them when they come over...]
Also because I'm on a white and cream thang.

2.  Get black couch covers.
Been wanting to do this FOREVER...
There's just too many colours in the apartment.

3.  Spray paint the chairs all black, and reupholster the seat.
Another project that's been on hiatus since I moved in.

4.  Spray paint the dining table.

5.  Turn that entrance way wall into a chalkboard with the fabulous invention that is chalkboard paint.
After 3 years...I think I've gotten over my phobia of painting.  Or at least enough to paint a small panel.

6.  Makeover that little shelf in the living room.
I've always planned to throw it out once I get my coveted LACK shelf from Ikea, but now that I think about it it's a GREAT piece to makeover.  Oh the possibilities.  Currently scouring the net for design ideas.

iCrave

If I had one of those iCrave t-shirts right now I would write...

"change"

in the empty space.

And I'm not talking about the altruistic global "change".
I'm talking about selfishly craving change in my life.

Change in my surroundings for just a little while. 
[Come project come.]

Change in my interior decor.
[Creams and whites are the new thing, and I want to look grown-up even if I don't feel it.]

Change in my finances. 
[Would I not be such a shopaholic, but I am getting SO much better.]

Change in the way I spend my time. 
[Would I not languish away on Facebook and Twitter.]

Change in my heart. 
[Would I not...]

Change in my love for the Lord.
[Oh that I would love Him more.]

Change in my life.

Every Day

In Your grace, You know where I walk
You know when I fall
You know all my ways
In Your love, I know You allow
What I cannot grasp
To bring You praise

Thank You for the trials
For the fire, for the pain
Thank You for the strength
Knowing You have ordained
Every day

Your great power is shown when I’m weak
You help me to see
Your love in this place
Perfect peace is filling my mind
And drawing my heart
To praise You again

In my uncertainty, Your Word is all I need
To know You’re with me every day (repeat)

By Joel Sczebel and Todd Twining

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Worship (ASCAP)/Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)

TMI

Apparently verbal diarrhea LITERALLY happens.  No jokes.

If you're older[er] and you're super, super, SUPER constipated, the poo goes from your large intestine up to your small intestine, to your stomach, up your esophagus, and...OUT.

You learn something new EVERY.DAY.

Wise Words

A wise woman said to me yesterday:

"Not to be trite, but it is God's grace that you found out now."

Yes, and I am grateful.

"I have a boyfriend.  My mom thinks this is the virginity protection program."

"You're so lucky I found Jesus."

"I secretly plot their demise.  It's not healthy."
 
Bring It On 4

Five Good Things [Montreal Edition]

1.  Hanging and talking with my BFF in person.
2.  Best Tex Mex food this side of the border.
3.  DDR late at night even though it was a copycat DDR machine.
4.  Screaming things in public that should NOT be screamed out loud....
5.  Shopping therapy at a chic boutique where everything was on sale for $10.00

ctrl + z

"I'm sorry" cards found on Etsy .

"I'm so stupid, I wish I hadn't done... [that, that, and that]."
"I just want to forget _________. "
"If only I could scoop my heart out with a melon baller."

All these thoughts go 'round and 'round in my head with one underlying desire: to run away from pain.  Yeah, if only I could ctrl+z my life or as a mac user, command+z my life.
If only selective amnesia came in a bottle over the counter.
If only there was a melon baller that I can use on my heart.
If only, if only, if only...

But one thing the Lord has taught me recently is:

Don't waste pain.

No matter the cause of the pain or the extent of the pain, it shouldn't be wasted.
Because in the midst of pain we can meet with God more intimately than before.
Because we can stagnate when life is picture perfect, but pain spurs spiritual and personal growth.
Because in pain we can identify just a little bit with Christ.

We can choose to sit and wish away pain and waste it or we can choose to engage with it and sit at Jesus' feet.

I never thought that I would be able to rejoice in suffering, but with the Lord all things are possible.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  
JAMES 1:2-4

[p.s.  I'm so glad James wrote trials of many kinds, because it doesn't mean one trial is more spiritual than another.  It makes me feel less silly for all this.]

The sun beams at me
so I smile back.
How can I refuse,
when in the Son, 
nothing do I lack.


This is going to be a good day today.

Dearest Self,
Please stop ruminating.  It's not good for you...

If Only It Was This Easy...

BFF: "Shelly, you need this for your heart."

Shattered pieces,
pierces still.
Stinging panes,
swelling pain.

Shards of pang.

Lent

Looks like I'm [involuntarily] giving up eye makeup for Lent.

Har har har.

Rock of Ages [When the Day Seems Long]

1. Rock of Ages, when the day seems long
From this labor and this heartache, I have come
The skies will wear out, but you remain the same
Rock of Ages, I praise your name

2. Rock of Ages, you have brought me near
You have poured out your life-blood, your love, your tears
To make this stone heart come alive again
Rock of Ages, forgive my sin.

Chorus: Rock of ages. Rock of ages.
Bind your children until the kingdom comes.
Rock of ages your will be done

3. Rock of Ages, when in want or rest,
My desperate need for such a Savior I confess
Pull these idols out from my heart embrace.
Rock of Ages, I need your grace.

4. Rock of Ages, broken scorned for me.
Who am I that you would die to make me free?
To give me glory, (you) took the death and pain.
Rock of Ages, my Offering.

Repeat Chorus

5. Rock of Ages, "It is done!" you cried.
The curtain's torn and I see justice satisfied
Now write your mercy, on my heart and hands.
Rock of ages, in faith I stand.

6. Rock of Ages, my great hope secure.
Your promise holds just like an anchor to my soul
Bind your children with cords of love and grace.
Rock of Ages, we give you praise.

Repeat Chorus

© 2005 Same Old Dress Music (Admin. by Music Services) (ASCAP)
and Kevin Twit Music (ASCAP).
Used by permission. All rights reserved

Five Good Things

1. Impromptu jam sessions
2. HYMNS!!!!!!!
3. Banter
4. Saif Ali Khan
5. Hugs

Reason #603310 Why I LOVE My Best Friend

Me: "When that happens it'll be another wrecking ball."
BFF: "I'll be there for that wrecking ball."

Usually
Most of the time
Without fail, in retrospect, I always say to the Lord, "Whew, glad You said 'no'.  You definitely knew better."

So although my feelings are far from it, by faith I will say yet again "Glad You said 'no' Lord.  Can't wait to see what You've got planned."

Your Heart: User's Manual [Excerpts]

INTRODUCTION
Your heart is a valuable treasure.  Precious, but fragile.  It belongs to the Lover of your soul.  You are responsible for guarding it.

...

HANDLING
Be careful with it.  Handle with care.
It is not a toy.
Do not play around with it.
Do not let others play with it.
It can be broken.

The Cut

One of my friends thought that I had completely lost it when I announced on Facebook that I had shaved my head. Granted he thought I had shaved my entire head when only the back was shaved. But even if I had shaved my entire head it wouldn't have been me "losing it", it would've just been part of my sassy, spontaneous, and quirky nature. Perhaps one day.

This is what I told my fabulous hairstylist Bryin:

Me: "This is the dilemma. I want to grow my hair, but I also want something crazy and I know you can't go crazy with long hair. And when I say crazy I mean CRAZY. I keep going into salons asking for crazy and coming out with the tamest haircuts."

More discussion...

Bryin: "How short are you willing to go in the back?"

Me: "As short as you want. You have free artistic license back there. Do whatever you want."

And...voila:

Thoughts

Pain is a great catalyst for spiritual and personal growth. And no, I'm not being a masochist.

My happy ending is coming, it's just not here yet, but it's coming. Not even death can prevent my happy ending.

Five Good Things

1. My brilliant, loveable stylist Bryin
2. My new neighbours: T.L. and A.J.
3. The fact that T.L. is back in town and back in my life.
4. Glee songs
5. Dancing with my favourite lead L.

Five Good Things

1. Cheesy old school power ballads a la Supremes, Gloria Gaynor, and of course Celine
2. Nail polish colours. Seriously just staring at them makes me happier.
3. Shopping
4. Sharing verses from the Bible
5. Skating

March Goals

My February goals were too lofty and I was too lazy. I failed them all. But March is another month. Here we go.

1. Make a plan to ingest adequate servings of vegetables/fruits daily. Somehow. :/
2. Go to the gym 8 times this month.
3. Edit all of Julirald's engagement shoot.
4. Build emotional capacity.
5. Do two shoots of people.

The Olympics have turned me into a hockey fan, and thus by default by location... a Leafs fan?
This is going to be painful.
Why am I such a glutton for punishment?

Dare I defect?

I'd rather cheer for the Flames...and the Penguins.

*edit*

I dare.

I lived in Calgary for three months +.
I walked the entire Red Mile my first day in town.
And who doesn't love Iggy?

Go FLAMES GO!!!

Oh Canada!

Hockey is OUR game indeed!!!

Who said we weren't passionate and patriotic?

Highlights from today:
1. Crashing M.D.'s place for the hockey game.
"Hey M! I'm Shelly! Thanks for having me over. (And letting me drink your beers.)
2. Goal 1
3. Goal 2
4. Goal 3
5. Bonding with a roomful of people, half of which I didn't know over our national pastime.
6. Winning the 14th Gold Medal
7. Winning the most medals EVER.
8. Singing "O, Canada" at the end of the game.
9. Singing "O, Canada" with a crowd of random strangers on the subway.
10. High Fiving random strangers along Yonge and Dundas.

Five Good Things

1. Dark Lipstick
2. Dark Nail Polish
3. Haircuts (soon)
4. McDonald's Nuggets and Hamburger
5. Being Canadian

Grief is like a wrecking ball that keeps swinging back towards you, but you never know when it's going to hit. Sometimes it's at the oddest, most inconvenient moments.

Shadows

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross

Friends say the darnest things.
Oh man, do they ever.
If only I could post all of them, but I can't.

Material for Sacrifice

God gives us material for sacrifice. Sometimes the sacrifice makes little sense to others, but when offered to Him is always accepted...The loneliness itself is material for sacrifice. The very longings themselves can be offered to Him who understands perfectly. The transformation into something He can use for the good of others takes place only when the offering is put into His hands.

What will He do with these offerings? Never mind. He knows what to do.

~Elisabeth Elliot

And so to You, Lord I offer the brokenness of my life.

Five Good Things

1. Closure
2. Olympics
3. Friends on call
4. Hip Hop Classes
5. Tissues

In Love,

In love divest me of blessings that I may glorify
Thee the more;
remove the fuel of my sin,
and may I prize the gain of a little holiness
as overbalancing all my losses.

Excerpt from "Union With Christ"
The Valley of Vision

If...

If...
I ask to be delivered from trial
rather than for deliverance out of it,
to the praise of His glory;
if I forget that the way of the cross leads to the cross
and not to a bank of flowers;
if I regulate my life on these lines,
or even unconsciously my thinking,
so that I am surprised when the way is rough and think it strange,
though the word is,
"Think it not strange,"
"Count it all joy,"
then I know nothing of Calvary love.

That which I know not, teach Thou me, o Lord, my God.

Excerpt from the book "If" by Amy Carmichael missionary to India.

How Cute is This?!

L.L. my bestest best friend in the world got me Quatchi, the Olympic mascot!

And I guess S.Y. is pretty cute too. :P Haaaaaa...

Wish

I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but my wishes were still there.

~Elisabeth Elliot

Stuck In My Head

Father, how You must hurt when I run after other loves.

Enfolded

I will teach you, and guide you in the way you should go.
I will keep you under my eye.
Do not behave like horse or mule, unreasoning creatures,
whose course must be checked with bit and bridle.
Many are the torments of the ungodly;
but unfailing love enfolds him who trusts in the Lord.
Rejoice in the Lord and be glad...

PSALM 32: 8-11 (NEB)

Uh...What?

Scene: Just finished dancing a song with an older gentleman.

Him: "Which prefecture are you from?"
Me: "Pardon?"
Him: "Which prefecture are you from?"
Me: "Sorry, I don't understand."
Him: "Prefecture, the provinces in Japan."
Me: "Oh sorry I'm not Japanese."
Him: "Oh what are you."
Me: "I'm chinese."
Him: "You danced like you were Japanese."
Me: "Oh really? How can you tell?"
Him: Shrug. "You also have what they call classical beauty in Japan."
Me: "Oh thanks."

He leaves.
So apparently I look Heian (the time period in Japan from which the classical beauty look stemmed).

Unruly Affections

Almighty God, you alone can bring into order the unruly wills and affections of sinners: Grant your people grace to love what you command and desire what you promise; that, among the swift and varied changes of the world, our hearts may surely there be fixed where true joys are to be found; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.
Amen.

The Book of Common Prayer
The Collects
Fifth Sunday of Lent

I am tired, so:

[insert cryptic blog post here.]

Amuse yourself.
Decipher away.
Imagine what I could've posted.

Ministry Partner Maintenance FAIL

You know it's MPM FAIL when...

Your supporter doesn't recognize you.

But on the other hand it's so encouraging to hear from one supporter, that they pray for you

EVERY.DAY.

I forget how caring my supporters are.

That Tricky Trickster

The heart is such a tricky thing.

It doesn't reason.
It doesn't listen to logic.
It's got a whole mind of its own.

You can't tell it to:
"Suck it up, buttercup."
"Get over it."
"Forget about it."
"Move on."
or anything of the sort.

It unfortunately doesn't work that way. C'est dommage.
If anything it'll just rile the sucker up.
It's out of control. My control anyways.

I can't believe I'm just figuring this out right now. This is why girls don't listen to logic when it comes to heart issues. This could be revolutionary for my ministry, but I digress.

The Bible was right all along:
"apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)

That 'lil trickster of a heart won't respond to my commands, but it'll have to listen to His.

Living a Countdown

A few weeks back one of my friends asked me how it felt it be living a countdown after I had told her that God-willing I was planning to move overseas in a few years.

Words that came to mind were:
Bittersweet, rejuvenating, purposeful.

I enjoy my life in Toronto and it saddens me to think of leaving. But knowing that I have a short time here causes me to savour and cherish each moment of everyday, and goads me to live purposefully.

Because the reality is even if I wasn't leaving, I'd still be living a countdown. My days are numbered. Each day is a gift from God, and at the end of each day that's one day closer to death. Morbid, but true.

I want to use each day well. I want to be a good steward of the time that I have, and in my head that means accomplishing a lot of tasks. But I'm starting to think that using my time well doesn't necessarily mean getting a lot of things done.

For one thing, I can't physically get a lot of things done. Last week I received a warning from my counsellor to start taking care of myself or face burnout again at the end of the summer. This week I've been sleeping on average 12-14 hours, and I'm still tired.

So what does it mean to "make the best use of time, because the days are evil" (Eph 5:16) when realistically I can function properly for ten hours a day?

Happy Chinese Valentine New Go Canada Go Year

Sometimes I rail at the Lord, screaming inside that I wish I could tangibly feel His love like the way I could feel my mom's love when her arms are wrapped around me. I know, bad on me. But I forget that the church is His body, and sometimes, a lot of times His love is demonstrated through those around me.

I had a great Chinese Valentine New Go Canada Go Year extended weekend where it was instance after instance of the Lord declaring His love for me again and again through His people.

He is the Perfect Lover, knowing exactly what I needed and need.

Thursday
S.A. and K.L. blessed all the women on the leadership team at York with flowers that symbolized something they see in our character.

Mine was an Iris representing, faith, wisdom, and valor. It was a very apt encouragement seeing that in the past few months I've been feeling very very foolish and somewhat faithless.

Friday
K.M. got all the single women on our staff team, a yellow rose.
I love gifts and I love flowers.
Even the smallest thing makes me feel valued and loved.

Saturday
J.S. took three of us girls out to dinner all decked out.
I love dressing up and I love meat.
Another sweet, sweet gift that touched my heart.

Sunday
A.G. finally got her gift to me. She had to try to send it twice, but in God's perfect providential timing I got it on Valentine's day.
It was a beautiful sparkling ring reminding me of the Lord's unfathomable love for me with a card full of encouragement.

Some might see these just as separate incidents of people's kindness, but I know that the Lord is sovereign and He is in charge of everything, and He orchestrated it to declare His love.

There Are Days

when I wish...

...that this blog was anonymous so I can really write for my cathartic therapeutic benefit.
...I was a guy so I can travel anywhere, alone, unhindered by the fear for my safety.
...that good food cooked itself.
...I was in heaven already so that I could be with Jesus and not have to deal with my own brokenness and the brokenness of this world.
...that time stopped at my whim.
...that my white mac never will get dirty. Wait. That's everyday.
...I was still a kid.

Enthralled

Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear:
Forget your people and your father's house.
The King is enthralled by your beauty;
Honour Him, for He is your Lord.

Pslam 45:10-11

Five Good Things

1. Rest
2. Flowers in appreciation
3. Good, thorough conflict resolution
4. TLC
When people genuinely want to know how you are doing instead of settling for the one word trite answers, and are willing to push for the real answers.
5. Road trips

You know it's time to change your nail polish when...

You dream that someone sat you down to tell you to remove the polish.

Sigh.

My subconscious did an intervention on me. Regarding NAIL POLISH.

Why must I have such weird WEIRD dreams. What I can't conjure up anything pretty while I'm asleep? Considering everything that I download into my brain during the day, I should come up with something GOOD. Like being the star of a bollywood movie or a super famous wedding photographer. But no, weird and apocalyptic dreams it is.

Fallible!

"I am sure of this."
"Maybe this isn't right. Nah..."
"Ok, I could be mistaken."
"Oh, but I assumed...."
"I misunderstood. Shoot."
"Oh wow, I'm wrong. Craaaaaaaaaaap."

It weighed me down to come face to face with my fallibility today.
I just HATE to be wrong.
Then the surprise at the fact that I am fallible crushed me.
Because it revealed the old me that I thought I had gotten rid of in the past year through my experience of burning out, but there she was staring back at me.

The mentality of being perfect until proven otherwise. (And I was proven otherwise.)
The pride, the arrogance, the hubris of assuming that I have it all figured out and down pat in life. (I don't. And realizing that was unsettling too.)
The reliance on my own wisdom. (Still trying to be self-sufficient.)

I always forget that I am a sinner in much, much need of grace from God, and I always have a very very hard time receiving that grace.

Sometimes grace is hard to swallow.

Five Good Things

1. Down pillows
2. Down comforter
3. Decaffeinated Earl Grey
4. Dessert with the team
5. Dancing to Britney Spears

Mish Mash

* Sometimes, I'm like..."Why do things happen to me that are like scenes from a teen flick? WHY?"
* Being an amateur wedding photographer isn't the best thing for my heart at times, but sometimes it's a lifeline.
* Good, better, best? I'll take best.
* Laughing at oneself is a life skill must have.
* Sometimes when I have bronchitis, I'm scared to cough because I'm scared I'll pee my pants when I do. TMI? Too late.

urbandictionary.com says

Shelly

A nickname usually given to amazing girls with great personalities, these girls are known to be stunningly gorgeous, beautiful inside and out, fun, out-going, spontaneous, and sexy. Shelly's are also known to be the best girlfriends and the best in bed. Shelly can be used as an adjective to describe something incredibly awesome, entertaining, and astounding.

Everyone wants a friend named Shelly!

What you did was so Shelly.

If only you were a Shelly.

That's right, Shelly is my girlfriend.

Here's to hoping my ego will fit through the doorway so I can leave the apartment tomorrow. :)

February Goals

1. Make Valentine's Day goodies.
2. Update The Sheepie with everything that was on The Black Mac minus lost files.
3. Clean room every night before sleep.
4. Eat fruit period.
5. Go to the gym at least once a week.
6. 3+ hours of Arabic a week.
7. Back up Sheepie.
8. Finish BFF's five year anniversary present that is officially a year late.
9. TAXES! Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
10. Start and finish one painting/craft that's been sitting around.

Needs

Shelly needs...

...restful sleep
...to eat more fruits and veggies
...to unwind
...protect her downtime more
...start exercising again

Portugoose

Today I played real estate agent for A.B. and T.L.

Scene: In reference to his email address.

The owner: Do you know what a portugoose is?
Me: No...
The owner: Do you know what Portuguese is?
Me: Yes
The owner: Well Portuguese is many geese and Portugoose is one goose. You know like Canada Geese and Canada Goose.
Me: Oh, hahaha

'Round and 'Round In Circles

A Typical Conversation With Mom

Me: So what do you want to talk about?
Mum: Let's talk about your "ge ren wen ti".

Literally translated it means personal problem/question.

Me: There's nothing to talk about. There's no one.
Mum: You need to look broader....As long as he's Christian by the time you marry him. You shouldn't be so stubborn and set on marrying someone within your group.
(Group being C4C staff.)
Me: I don't want to talk about this anymore. You know why I want to marry staff.
Mum: I'm just worried that once everyone's married off you'll panic and just pick some random guy.
Me: I'm the one who has higher standards here.
Mum: And even if you can wait it out what if you get married really late? It'll be dangerous for you to have children.
Me: Who's the one panicking here?
Mum: Me...
Me: See?
Mum: You just need to start dating soon. You don't have to get married. Just start dating.

I never thought that I'd hear that from her. It's always been, don't date.

Mum: You just need to find a good man. He doesn't have to be on staff.
Me: Good men are hard to find.
Mum: Why is your pastor waiting? Why is he not setting you up?
Me: Because there's no one to set me up with?
Mum: But what if nothing happens if you keep waiting? You already know there's no one interested in you in your group. What are you waiting for?
Me: It's not me mum. I'm waiting on God.

Mum: You need to do something about it.
Me: What would you like me to do? Go chase men?
Mum: Nonononono...Of course not. Ok, we'll keep praying. We'll pray.
Me: Yup. Keep praying.

Then it starts back up again at the next conversation.

I use to get really frustrated, but now I'm just amused.