"a Reflection"...

our end of the year banquet was a sweet success.

it was a night of reflection as we looked back on the year and remembered what God has done on our campus and in our lives through outreaches, discipleship groups, our grads, and our staff. it was both a celebration and a farewell. both an end to an era and the start of a new one for everyone.

i was so surprised by how smoothly everything went, and the fact that we actually stayed on time. sometimes we were even early, much to my chagrin. i was still sitting in the lobby madly scribbling thank you cards in my regular clothes when the bus pulled up to the front doors of Calvary Baptist. my heart just about dropped then. i was caught off my guard.

it was such an amazing feeling of accomplishment to see everything come together after two months of planning with jill and hours upon hours of preparation. this was especially true for the decorations. we were having a bit of a difficult time trying to decorate such a big room while accomodating the set for my church's easter play. the budget was slightly bigger than last year, but we also didn't have the use of margot's mom's wedding props.

when i got back from one of my random errands on friday to see the room set up and the tables laid out i teared up. (and got made fun of. whatevs alex wong whatevs. :P) the purple tissue screens didn't tear apart. (and they didn't fall down on the grads during the dinner for which i am thankful.) the simply decorated tables were breathtaking. we had only spent around $3 per table. the sheer relief of everything working out so beautifully (and within budget!) just moved me. (take that martha stewart!) i joked that day that i wish that it was my wedding day so that, that could have been my reception. (note: if anyone's getting married soon, jill, amanda, and i can plan a reception for around $10 a guest, but the food's all no-name brand though and the room has to be free.)

another perk about organizing these things is that you get to know people that you otherwise would have not gotten to know. i don't usually get to chill with second years and first years all that much, but in planning i got to know jill really well. what a sweeet sweeet girl. then in the 12 hours that we were madly setting up i got to bond with all the people that helped out. oh the random, silly jokes that flew around to lessen the stress and loosen the tension. it was such a pleasure to work with everyone.

to top it all off, heather rush came and told me at the end of the night that as a fellow task-oriented person whose tendency was to boss people around, she saw that i was trying to relate to people in getting them to do things instead of treating them like objects even though there were still some moments of tyranny. score! an improvement! i was so scared that i was going to get so stressed and bite people's heads off like last year, but i didn't! i was praying the whole day that i wouldn't. thank God. next step; eradicate those "some moments of tyranny".

it was a fun night. there was a time where i held on to rebecca and cried my heart out because she was leaving, but i still had tons of fun.
we had square-dancing and two-stepping afterwards with a real fiddler for the square-dancing part. pat called for us and taught everyone square-dancing moves. it was a riot to watch everyone try to figure it out. i was lucky in that i had "previous training" and that our set had tyler to teach us.

the dress i borrowed from meredith was a dream to wear. it was PERFECT for square-dancing and two-stepping. the skirt would just billow out every time i spun, and the shoes that i got really topped it off. whenever i got the chance i would just stand in the middle of the room and spin. the last dance, my dance partner, matt asked me how long i wanted to spin, and i said for a long time, and he just ran circles around me spinning me. hahaha. i felt like a princess in that dress.

what a night!



here is the "boys" grad table. disclaimer: the segregation was not planned on my part.












here is the "girls" grad table.











all of our beloved grads. you guys are going to be sorely missed.










the good lookin' square-dancin' set next to ours.







the "before" shot.












the "after" shot. this is why i teared up. can you blame me?

time to get the ball rollin'

it dawned on me tonight [finally] that i'm in my twenties, [holy shnikers that's kinda scary], that this IS life, that i've arrived, and that i need to start living it.

in one way by living it i mean, it's time to make some solid plans about crossing some of those names off the "to visit" places. i think i have been trying to make the most of it but it's time to make some dreams happen. sometimes opportunities don't just drop into your lap. you gotta plan.

anyways i use to think that i couldn't go anywhere until i had a job, but with the air miles stacking up...the possibility of hitting europe, greece and italy to be more exact, is starting to perk up. although i wouldn't mind settling for egypt. :P ha. i think it's doable before 23. maybe before 25 if it takes a while to save up. if i'm going to go i'm going to fully enjoy it. at least a week or two. plus i'd have to find a girlfriend to come with me. that's the sucky part about being a girl. i just can't jet off like a guy and stay at a hostel. i would so totally go globe-trotting by myself if there wasn't the very real imminent threat of being assaulted.

it's weird. i keep saying that i'm 21 these days. i'm only halfway there. literally. this friday's my half birthday. i'd be 20.5 years old. huzzah. yikesers. here we go.

on an easier note, i might be able to cross that white-water rafting one off the list in calgary this summer. next summer i could do the canoe/camping trip in yosemite. i must see old faithful. God-willing i'm still alive that is. disneyland is definitely doable this year, but that's just getting old now. hahaha. do i really want to go to disneyland? i think my parents would take me if i asked...hmmmm....

it's the little things in life

sometimes it's the little things that make my heart smile.

"and by 'we' do you mean 'andrea'?"
~ vanessa re: my query about a birthday cake for one of our girls
andrea, vanessa, and i have such a good rapport together. we just mesh. automatically. we have synergy. that's the word. there are some people that you just mesh with and some that you have to work really hard at it and even then...but not me, vanessa, and andrea. we SYNERGIZE. hahaha

"when you join staff are you going to come back to guelph?...go to mac...you have to see us through the rest of our discipleship career."
~ ashley duhn re: my future placement as staff, God-willing that is.
i almost teared. that really touched me. my girls like me. man, next year at this time is going to be hard, but whatevs that's still a year away.

"no more pimple cuddling"~kirsten
no worries i'm lancing those pimples asap.

laughter

sometimes...i think that all i need in life is good friends and laughter.

had a two hour planning sesh with the banquet crew, but it wasn't stressful at all. it was so hilarious, chilled, and productive. i'm so pumped for it. it's going to be so amazing. i'm going to be so dead tired on friday night, but it's going to be so worth it. yesterday i told jill that i thought i might possibly cry that night. i loved her response, "you're going to be tired and emotional. you will cry." well, at least i'll know better than to wear mascara friday night. i love that girl. so awesome and sweet.

today i finally got to just enjoy the presence and company of people at DG and at the planning sesh. to just sit back and savour the relationships instead of going through the next thing on the to-do list.

a taste of being relationally oriented. task-orientation isn't all that's it's cracked up to be sometimes.

mhmm..books...YUM!

i don't know why i like to describe books the way i describe food. maybe it's because figuratively they're food for the soul.

but today i got a book that i wanted for a long time...for free! what a gift from above! i was milling around the carpeted stairs today for some reason, and this one book on a vendor's table caught my eye. it was Boom, Bust, and Echo by David Foot. it's a book about the demographics and economics of Canada. i heard about it in geography back in grade 9, and have wanted it since. i was so excited because rarely do i see books being sold in the UC that i have a hankering for. i madly dashed down the stairs before anyone could see my jewel of a book and snatch it before i did. i got there and i asked how much it was, and it turns out it wasn't a vendor's table. it was a stuff swap! so i got it for free! w00t. i love free stuff.

later today i finally went to the guelph library after three years of living here, and got myself a library card. i checked out The Five People You Meet In Heavenby Mitch Albom that Jena recommended, Cry, the Beloved Country by Alan Paton, and Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. i wonder if i'll actually like any of them. good books are so hard to find these days.

i love historical fiction about the lives of women in another culture. the last good book i read that fit into that category was the Red Tent, but can we say "blasphemous"?. The Birth of Venus was good too, but the author's new book is about a courtesan's life in venice. sketch, yo. pauline gedge wrote about life in ancient egypt, but i'm pretty much done with all of her books that i can find in the library, and she doesn't seem to be turning out any new ones any time soon. teens' books use to be good too. now's it's so sketch. i seriously didn't think they were that sketch when i was at that age.

i think one of the reasons that i stopped reading was because i didn't have time to go to the library and dig through books to find the good ones. but i'm glad i did today. i'm sick and tired of non-fiction. change will be good.

Festival of Planning

this weekend was the Festival of Planning for MacGuelpherLoo. it was a solid weekend. i was concerned about how i would last around so many people since i was burnt going in, but God pulled me through. i feel much better; like a pimple that's finally been popped. the pus is no longer festering inside because it's finally oozing out. gross, i know, but it's an apt analogy.

random highlights:
~ my "dip" in the pond (scroll down for explanation)
~ "don't release the hounds" ~vanessa imitating andrea re: scary man
i still crack up thinking about it. i adore my co-leaders. they're so awesome.
~ impromptu girl talk saturday night after the main servant team planning sesh
apparently when a woman's giving birth, she might accidentally poop. if i had to find that out, you do too.
~ pride and prejudice
so clean and romantic.

i feel really blessed to be at guelph. we have awesome staff, and the ppl i get to work with on the servant team are so COOL. i can't wait to learn from them all. i'm really pumped about next year. i love this!:)

after FOP today i actually "rested" instead of loafing around. i did something that i enjoyed. i knew i couldn't push myself to go at a break neck speed anymore when i started dreading support raising. i needed a rest so i went for a walk around my neighborhood. such a cool neighborhood! there's a conservation area ish. there's woodsy places and a body of water. i love it. stopped by a park and played on the swings for a bit. swings are awesome. i felt so free and oh so good.

------
the dip:
saturday morning i went for a walk around the camp we were at. i went to the pond/lake that i went to the year before. to finish off my walk, i thought i'd go on the "dock". the "dock" was made of two pieces. a rectangular walkway that led to this square dock that was just floating next to it. i walked on to the square dock, and started to blast "rain down" by angie stone and eddice levert sr. on my ipod. it's an amazing song. i'm so addicted to it right now. but yeah i started to jam to it. then after a minute i looked down and i was floating AWAY from the mainland. my thoughts went like this "ohmigosh i'm floating away!!! i have to jump now or never. i can't get wet! i don't have a change of clothes! ok...GO!" so i took a leap. the good news was that i made it. the bad news was that i slipped and landed on the part of the rectangular walkway that was somewhat submerged. so my right leg got wet. i cracked up. i'm such an idiot. oh life.

here's the said "dock". i think it floated back.



here's how wet i got, and my upset face.




(partial)rain down lyrics
there's a storm within and i don't want to let it end. i'll give You all control. let Your love rain down on me. in my heart and mind is your love divine. i'm gonna let it flow and let your love rain down on me. gonna raise my hands and dance. gonna give Him all i am. everytime i call His name, His love rains down on me. gonna lift my voice and sing of the love and joy He brings everytime i praise His name. His love rains down on me.

me? intimidating? no way!

so i've been told many a times now that i'm intimidating in three different contexts.

one is in the context of dating or whatever you want to call it. apparently i have this sign on my forehead that scares guys off. when i first heard that, i laughed. i still do. it's funny. it bugged me a bit, but it's good in a way because i don't have an intimidating dad or an older brother to weed out the weak ones so something's gotta weed them out. no one wants to date/marry a pansy well maybe some people, but i don't. so i shrugged it off.

second is in the realm of first impressions. i was told last year by a few people i make initimidating first impressions. i laughed again, but it irked me too cuz i thought i was pretty sociable and friendly. i tried being friendlier, but apparently i still do intimidate the first years? this isn't good. i want to be approachable next year. how am i suppose to serve people if they're scared to talk to me? that defeats the whole purpose doesn't it?

the last context is in term of rebukes. i've had people hold their breathe while rebuking me and breathing relief after rebuking me. then they tell me that they're relieved i didn't bite their heads off. this is the one that sounds the warning bell in my head. WHAT THE HECK? i don't think i'm being intimidating. plus i think i take rebukes pretty well. the worst reaction you'd ever get from me is silence, but obviously there's an issue somewhere here. i mean when someone's scared to rebuke you, that's not a good sign. and i love getting rebukes. ok, well no one likes getting rebuked, but you know what i mean. i know i'm not perfect,so i do really appreciate outside input cuz other people can see things that i don't notice. there's always room for improvement. but if no one tells me how the heck am i suppose to know? yikesers.

so i think from the outside it looks like i have an attitude problem or something. i'm puzzled. maybe it's because i have a scary looking "relaxed" face. you know when you're tired and your face just goes. my mom told me i look scary that way, but dude i can't keep smiling all the time. especialy when i'm running on 4 hours of sleep. ok so i'll try not to run on 4 hours of sleep, but still! WHAT THE HECK?!

encouraged and blessed

if you've been around me long enough, you've probably heard one of my tirades on globalization or at least a cynical remark. well not tonight. an ode to globalization and to an ode to technology. cheers to both. because were it not for globalization and were it not for technology i would not have been blessed by girltalk.blogs.com. this has been a tough week (although i wouldn't change anything about it even if i could!), but i've been so encouraged by the godly lives and the godly wisdom of the four women who write this blog. their stories and their examples inspire me. i hope to be like them one day.

good times all around

on our night off in panama, hiukei, carolle, and i took off to the supermarket to buy some breakfast foods for the team since we were running low. it was like a 15-25 minute walk one way. we had such good times. although it was a bit sketch since we had no guys with us. oh the jokes we cracked and the laughter we shared.

when we got to the supermarket i had a craving for ice cream so we all got some. it was really cheap so we got a lot. i got two cones. yeah, one with two scoops and one with one scoop, but then i got ice cream all over my face. so hiukei tried to clean me up. the tissue was tickling me so i tried to dodge her wipes, but in the process i also knocked over one of my cones. i forget which one. it was like a blob on the floor, but she went back and bought me another one. hehehe.

we were so giddy on the way back cause we were on a sugar high. we were laughing nonstop. that carolle is SO witty. she just kept cracking comments left, right, and center. i was laughing so hard that many a times i either almost choked or spewed the ice cream out or peed my pants. oh such good times. i love girlfriends. hahaha. oh man.

actually i'm just thankful for good friends in general. this has been a tough week. i remember thinking that yesterday and going "and it's only tuesday!" hahaha oh man. i know i don't deal with stress well. i'm trying to work on it, and my friends really helped me out a lot. thank you for the big things and the little things. you know who you are.

i know i'm dumb as sheep. it takes God at least three tries to get my attention. last night talking to my mom about all the stuff i had on my plate, she said "you have to know your limitations and your priorities. don't take on more than you can handle. don't overwork yourself." i said "but it's only just this month and a half. i'm not taking on too much." yeah i know, denial. then when i was talking to lydia she asked "are you getting rest?" i was silent. crap, i was caught. i tried to think of something, but really i wasn't getting that much rest. so then today God had to hit it home through alex, "i think you're facing a major turning point, mixed with a conflict of priorities-> most people can't handle half of the things you're doing-> let alone try to be the best, it's tough."

and here i was...still thinking that i wasn't doing enough. so i started to delegate. thanks for shooting straight with me guys. it's always always appreciated and welcomed. i won't bite your heads off. ;)

hindsight is always 20/20

when i moved to canada back in 1998, my world crashed down around me, and i wasn't being melodramatic. the move was sudden and completely unexpected. it was the hardest time i ever had in my life. i was torn from everything that i dreamed of, hoped for, and finally got; academic success and a close group of friends.

i was on my way to stuyvesant high school, the most prestigious public high school in new york city. students were only admitted after passing an entrance exam. i had studied for two years for that exam, sacrificing my weekends and summers to go to "cram school". stuyvesant was my ticket to ivey league universities and a brilliant future.

after years of being the outcast at schools because i moved around so much, i finally had a group of friends with the same ambitions and the same interests. we studied together and we partied together. we were inseparable. until i had to move.

the first half year in canada was brutal. i was depressed. life held no meaning, no purpose, no point. i breathed, but i did not live. it was heartbreaking for me to wake up in the mornings to face.....nothing. no future, no hope, no dreams. i would have preferred not to have woken up at all. i felt like a zombie.

yet if i could go back in time and choose whether to stay in new york or to move to canada. i would choose to move to canada and gladly go through the pain and anguish again. because moving to canada brought me to true life. it brought me back to God because i had sacrificed not only my weekends and summers, but my relationship with Him in pursuit of a mere idol. the move brought me to His plans, not mine. i had to die to myself, to my desires, to my plans, to my hopes, to my dreams, and it hurt like hell. but it was worth it. in retrospect, everything He planned far outweighed everything i ever planned.

i would not give up a holiday to the beach for making mud pies in the slums.
i would not give up where He has brought me and where He is leading me for the shadow of a life that i would have choosen for myself. i say this with the 20/20 vision of hindsight, but knowing this...

Father i know in my heart and in my mind that You are unbelieavably good to me, and that whatever You have planned will outshine my hopes and plans by a trillion.

haves and have nots

our enjoyment of life should not be defined by what we don't have, but what we do have.

however often times i find myself thinking "if only i had ____________" then i would finally be content, and once i have it, whatever "it" is, i would move on to the next thing. case in point, i finally got an ipod this Christmas, but it's not the new ipod with colour, video, and it's not black. i know, spoiled. i'm trying to curb it. (the nth pet peeve: i'm not high-maintenance!)

as mum always told me "there's a lot of stuff in the world that you can't have. you can never have it all. there will always be something else." the gist? be happy with what you've got. so hey at least i have an ipod! while she meant it in terms of material things i think this applies to other things too. for example "if only i had [less stress, less problems, more time, those friends, a boyfriend, that professor, that person's talents/skills/knowledge/wisdom, so and so's circumstances, his/her personality, and so on and so forth....] then i would finally be content." mum had another tidbit of wisdom regarding this, "there will always be someone smarter, better, prettier, ____er than you, and there will always be someone dumber, less talented, not as attractive, ____er than you. don't compare, you'll die trying." how true.

i call this "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. letting this "i don't have this", negative mentality define my enjoyment of life breeds discontentment and doesn't result in my enjoying life at all. focusing on the "have nots" just nags at my soul, and blinds me to the beautiful, simple things of life and the blessings that i do have. of course this isn't anything new. God knew this, and He warned us about it many a times in the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (BIBLE). this is where the "thou shalt not covet thy neighbors' _____" comes in. it's not just some random instruction given off the top of His head, but because it is relevant to our hearts. instead we are called to count our blessings, give thanks always, and to rejoice continuously, to focus on what we do have.

so what do i have? a great family, awesome friends (some of whom comprise a killer SWAT team, you know who you are, and much thanks!), a roof over my head, decent food in my stomach (well the few dishes that i don't butcher..har har), a university education, health, yes even an ipod, and on and on...

and i am reminded that as a Christian even if i don't have any of the above, i still have a lot! actually "a lot" would be the understatement of all of history. as a Christian i have eternal life. (let's see mastercard try to pay for this.) i have absolute freedom. i have grace, truth, mercy, and unconditional love from God. i am a daughter of the King. translation? i'm a princess, royalty. i am co- heir with Christ. what's Christ going to inherit? everything.

the "have nots" of life are endless, but the "haves" of life as a Christian are infinite too so intead of letting a "have not" mentality define my enjoyment of life, i find that letting a "have" mentality works much muuuuch better.

hidden gems

one of my profs was talking about the importance of doing research manually by looking through book stacks so i thought i'd take him up on that. i just took a little trip down to the basement to the government book stack section to find WTO Agreements and Public Health. granted it took me half an hour to find something that was staring at me in the face (it was the first book that was facing me albeit on a lower shelf), BUT i discovered a hidden gem down there. moveable bookshelves!!!! call me a nerd, but it was soo cool. all you had to do was to push a button and the shelf would move to one side, revealing an aisle where you can walk in and browse. then if you needed another aisle, you just push another button. AND get this, when you stepped in a light went on. i felt like i was in some kind of fantasy/sci- fi movie. it'd been cool if i had been transported to another place or something. that totally made my day. and yes i did stand there pushing buttons for fun.....

my God is more than worthy...

i had a difficult conversation with my mom this afternoon regarding joining staff. it seems like it's creating a lot of tension these days. probably because i can't express myself properly in chinese.

"why can't you just get a normal job? it'll be more secure. you don't have to beg for money."
"who's going to support you full-time all the time?"
"how can you take care of yourself that way?"
"be a teacher and go on missions during your summer vacation."
"why don't you just stay put at a church in Toronto? there's a need in Toronto. why do you have to keep going places?"

and so on and so forth...

while some of her comments are valid and others are not i understand that it is out of concern for me that she's asking these questions. but it's not a matter of my choice anymore. i can't deny the calling on my life into full-time ministry. i can't disobey. i don't want to disobey. how does one explain a call?

she worries about my ability to take of myself financially as staff, and i get stressed out too because honestly i've never taken care of myself before financially. but i realize in essence she's questioning God's faithfulness. is God going to be faithful or not in meeting my needs? i realize that my abilities are not on trial here, His faithfulness is. in one way or another He's going to prove Himself faithful. i have nothing to prove.

my God is worthy of everything that i could ever offer to Him and more.

pooped

fridays are not what they use to be. they're not easy days anymore. these past few weeks i've realized that fridays are actually really hard days. i still look forward to them because of the weekend, but by the time friday rolls around i'm beyond pooped. they could be such ghastly, carnal days. ah, but the Lord is good.

Isaiah 40: 27-31
Why do you say, O Jacob [Shelly!]
and speak, O Israel [Xiao Yue]
"My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
the Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be wary and young men shall fall exhausted; [like me]
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

interesting...

well tonight's class has definitely been "interesting" to say the least. funny how the word "interesting" has taken on a ambivalent meaning these days. we watched part of sex and the city as part of the gender and social structures in cities part in our course. and to think i almost didn't go. it's an interesting way to get a student's attention and the show is witty...but oh so sketch.

this goes down in history with the chem class that learned about the chemical components of marijuana, the politics class with the simpson episode (this one was actually decent), and the lodging class with all those britney spears references. it's "interesting" to see what some profs would resort to maintain interest. i guess it's good that they make an effort instead of those that don't. but wouldn't it be better if they were just better lecturers?

close but no cigar

ok so i was keen enough to book my ticket for calgary, but i wasn't keen enough to have read the acceptance package to find out that we're suppose to be there on april 30th instead of may 1st. crap. it was providence that zoe told me before may 1st. i guess gmail chat's good for something. i'm beholden to it now. i wonder how long it will take before that takes over msn in the same way that msn overtook icq. or maybe one day we'll all outgrow msn and instant msging altogether. i wish mozilla would take over internet explorer. everyone should convert to mozilla.

---edit---
the reason that i like mozilla so much is because it has this feature called a "live bookmark", which tells you when your favourite blogs that you've bookmarked has been updated. so no more random, hope for the best, maybe it's updated, in the dark visits to blogs. it works for sites with rss feeds. as of right now i think only blogspot has this feature. implication: all you blogspot users, your visitor count just went down by like 10-15 a day. :D i.e. lydia. it's not that you have a lot of blog stalkers....it's that you have one; me.
---end edit---


on a brighter note, kirsten and i planned out stuff for an international development movement development area next year and boy am i ever pumped! so psyched to be where i am right now, and so pumped for next year. it's going to be busy but what a BLAST it's going to be. i toyed with the idea of lapping, but really... i would only be staying for the ministry so why not just graduate and get out of here and do it full-time. i'm going to call in for my staff application in august. just around four months left. Ooohhhh so exciting. i can't wait to get the ball rolling.

can't have my cake and eat it too

it's crunch time. i thought i had a breather before finals. boy, was i ever wrong. i checked the planner over the weekend and i almost panicked. i don't have a "breather" until after finals are over. but even then i have to pack madly, MOVE, and then dash off to the wild wild west. at least my ticket's booked. 7:15am westjet. fun times. i'll be the one with the neon sign saying "calgary project 2006" or something along those lines.

so this means i have to drag myself to the library again. i was thinking like lydia, if i had a study buddy it wouldn't be so bad, but in reality who am i kidding, no studying would be done. can't have my cake and eat it too. maybe if someone took away my voice.......

on a brighter note,
things to look forward to in calgary
~amazing fellowship
~great training
~the mountains
~seeing old friends again
~making new ones
~banff
~mountain retreats
~having QT's outside w0000t
~calgary stampede
~making some moolah
~summer weather
and a whole lotta more stuff that i prolly don't expect...so excited!

to kick myself into focus,
things that need to be done before calgary
~plan year end banquet (funny how i do this when i'm not in hotel and food admin anymore. God has a sense of humour)
~write major term paper
~finish DG strong
~study for , write, and PASS my finals (just three more rounds of these babies...hopefully)
~pass my G (oh mummy! yiiiiikes)
~pack and move (easier said than done)
~renew health card (guelph doesn't have a ministry of health?!?!?!!)
~find a job
~raise support for calgary (and everything that it entails...)
there that doesn't seem so daunting when written....although i feel like i'm forgetting something really important......hate that feeling

on a random note. i'm out of PB ice cream and it's only Tuesday. this is going to be one loong week. :P

defying cultural boundaries by going where no azn has gone before...

square-dancing.

ok i'm sure there have been azns who've been square-dancing sometime in history, but whatevs. there sure wasn't a lot when becky and i went to the annual college royal square-dancing competition tonight. it was like a throwback to when i was in grade school in oklahoma when we square-danced at school. i think had flouncy skirts back then.

it was so much fun. it was awesome to see the the different costumes and the different routines. plus pat, matt, and tyler were competing so it was fun to cheer them on. pat's set won third, and he also won first for calling for another set. w00t! for all those square-dancing haters. don't be hatin' cuz you be missin' out yo! embrace thy inner aggie.

the highlight of my week was getting a taste of square-dancing when the judges were out deliberating. becky and i got to do three square dances. she danced with tyler and i danced with some random high school kid who i didn't and still don't know the name of. meh. it was GREAT. hahaha. so much fun and i worked up an appetite. mad props to guys who can dance, and who can lead! dude, you know they're good when they can lead a newbie girl. i think it's so sad that there is somewhat of a stigma with guys and girls dancing together. yes some forms of dancing like grinding in hip-hop can get uber sketch, but there's no need to throw out the baby with the bathwater. dancing's what you make it out to be. it can be sketch if the intentions are sketch, but i digress...back to square-dancing.

there were some funny calls like the "cheat and swing" where one guy from one pair goes and dances with another pair in the square. then when the caller yells "cheat and swing" both guys have to "fight" for the girl and swing her around. the "dip and dive" was cool too. basically it was a series of couples making arches and the others dipping and diving underneath them. i probably butchered those descriptions. hahaha yikes.

i loved it. i kinda wish that i was an aggie. they have this solidarity that other faculties lack. i wish i was one so i could enter in a square-dancing competition. i'd get to wear those flouncy skirts! anyh00t here's some pictures of the pros.


this is matt and tyler's set in competition.

pat calling for another set.

pat's set. the boys asking the girls to dance and getting totally shafted.

"if at first you don't succeed, try and try again." the second time they went down on their knees. it was so cute!

this move is called "the flying ladies." takes a lot of upper body strength, eh?

this set was SO funny and creative. the girls were "sheep" in a pen, and the boys were shepherds except for one, he was a sheep dog. the way they started was that the boys were choosing which sheep they wanted to buy. ok so if we don't think symbolically along the lines that women are possessions to be bought then it's not sketch. i don't think they meant it that way anyways.

prove what?

the past wednesday during our discipleship time, kirsten made a simple yet profound statement: "you have nothing to prove."

oh.

it's been on repeat in my head since then. i have nothing to prove. i have nothing to prove. i have nothing to prove. no need to prove that i'm a "good" christian, a smart student, a caring dg leader, a thoughtful friend, a filial daughter, and etc... i can just be.

still a sinner saved by grace, already accepted by God. "[my] worst days are never so bad that [i] am beyond the reach of God's grace. And [my] best days are never so good that [i] am beyond the need of God's grace."~jerry bridges

i have nothing left to prove.

the consumption of culture

[contains heavy economic illustrations. may not make sense. requirements: introductory microeconomics and introductory macroeconomics. jokes jokes!]

*newsflash* today i blurted out in the clubs' office "i don't like china." freudian slip? maybe. maybe not. it was so reminiscent of my 2004 outburst in the middle of BJ. although it wasn't as harsh as it was then. i think my exact words two years ago were "I HATE THIS PLACE", and even then it was more of a scream than an emphatic statement.

so it got me thinking about what exactly defines me as "chinese" because would a self-respecting, culturally "pure" chinese person ever admit that he/she doesn't like the motherland? it's almost heretical. some would critize the country or admit they don't like an aspect of it. some wouldn't. both would do so out of love for China, the former in hopes it can improve, but no one would say that they didn't like the country though.

me? i don't have that kind of hardcore love/patriotism. when push comes to shove, it's "GO CANADA" because my selfish interests are vested in the welfare of Canada. some would call that being "whitewashed". i sometimes even call myself that. but i propose a different paradigm in which i am only a consumer and the products that i consume are cultural goods. by cultural goods i mean: pop culture, cultural norms and etiquette, holidays, customs, language, etc...

i would argue that being brought up in two different cultures as opposed to the one culture that most children are reared in, has given me immediate access to both the chinese "cultural market" and the canadian "cultural market". whereas for children who are reared in one culture, they need to earn their access to another "cultural" market by learning and becoming accustomed to a new culture. hello culture shock. but for me the two cultures are "innate".

so since i have easy access to two markets i can substitute goods that i like in the canadian market for goods that i don't like in the chinese market and vice versa. for example my mom and i both don't like the chinese style of parenting. SWITCH. another example, i don't like milk so i swap it for soy milk. for holidays i celebrate all the major canadian holidays and some major chinese ones. english is the easier language so i consume that "cultural good". and so on and so forth.

bottomline? i tweak both cultures to my own benefit. i take what i like and reject what i don't. (i.e. horking. it's disgusting) i am neither culturally pure chinese or culturally pure canadian. i'm chinese canadian; a fusion inside. i think i've finally come to terms with that. i guess that's why i get riled when people are "racist" not because i consider myself chinese, but i consider myself the same as them, canadian, yet they try to set me apart on the basis of my skin, hair, and eye colour. that's also why i get riled in chines when people say "you look chinese...but you're from canada?" would it be easier if i looked fused on the outside as well?

i think maybe...one day i will write a book. but remember folks you heard it here first. ;) jokes. nothing's new under the sun.

desperate housewives

http://www.kcf.org/resources/sermons.html

check out the "desperate housewives" sermon.

such a GREAT sermon. SOLID teaching and such good impressions. hahaha oh man. listen to it!

edit----

good question J! it's about marriage- finding your mate. he addresses both men and women. it's amazing. like some of the stuff cru peeps already know. like with the whole find your purpose first thing. but he lays down the biblical basis for it, and it's such a good reminder that God KNOWS what we need. we don't need to tell the Lord, "behold, i LACK!". hahaha oh man. there's a lot of "OH!" moments when understanding dawns. it's FRESH. i'm going to listen to it again when i have time.

this and that

this is one of those "i need to keep myself sane" blogs. a few musings from today.

the true meaning of research
research in university really just means go find yourself a whole pile of extra readings. that's it. nothing more, nothing less. just find something, read it, and write about it. to think i've been so intimidated by this all these years. what a pity cuz it's 90% econ courses next year.

pet peeves
today suz and i were having a really nice chat together at paiges until the couple behind us decided to publicly display their affections. it wouldn't have been so bad since they were behind us were it not for the fact that they were kissing across a table and so when they disengaged it made a smacking/sucking sound like a plunger being.... unplunged(?) cringe. awwwwkward. so then throughout the entire day i started compiling a list of my pet peeves when i got bored.

1. any PDA beyond holding hands and casual side hugs.
2. when people spell my name "shelley".
3. when people don't give others the benefit of doubt.
4. nylon socks with sandals. my oex peeps knows what i'm talking about well at least the girls anyways.
5. when i run out of white out and have to cross mistakes out.
6. when things are lost in translation like the lyrics to "qing fei de yi".


i think those were the only ones i thought of. it's not good to think negatively anyways.

Spirit-filled life
we were talking about the Spirit-filled life in discipleship group today about how we could fake it only for so long. i think the past three weeks (not including the last four days) i was tricking myself into thinking that i was Spirit-filled. basically living in denial. but man alive, it feels sooo GOOD to live by the Spirit. these past 4 days weren't the easiest 4 days of my life nor were they uber hard, but i've definitely been having the BEST four days of my life in a loong time especially today even though there was a minor house conflict and another bump in the road. i feel like i could soar away. love it. God is good. mhmm-hmm.

Trials
i think last week i was getting nervous about all the possible trials God could and would put me through next year. hence the "i'm bracing for impact" comment. so silly worrying about trials that haven't happened. but that's just having a bad perspective on trials because we are suppose to rejoice when trials happen. read this in my devo today.

God allows trials in our lives not for his own enjoyment or to spite us, but to draw us away from our pride, selfishness, and other sings. He uses them to bring us closer to himself and to teach us as we endure difficulties. He proves he's the only Person to run to, the only One who can be depended on. He's the God who won't let us down.

Lamentations 3:19-24
Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."

phil wang and meteor garden stole my heart

ok i feel like a teeny bopper again. lol




i love this song. for all my guelphites, wait no..for all non-azns, it's from a really popular taiwanese drama called "meteor garden" that was adapted from a japanese comic. the rough translation of the lyrics is shown in the beginning. the white guy is so funny. hahaha.

you know you're chinese WHEN...

your mom owns a soy bean milk maker. yup that's right my aunt gave my mom a soy bean milk maker. it's like a coffee grinder, but i think with soy beans. you just put in the soy beans, it grinds it, and turns it into soy milk. that was her trump card for getting me to go home this summer. not that i wasn't going home in the first place, but oh man this makes me laugh. she was like "now you get fresh soy milk and don't have to drink the stuff from wal-mart". the stuff they sold in wal-mart was the white version of soy milk. i didn't like it. i like my chinese soy milk, but i couldn't have it a lot when i went home because we were quite a while away from flushing. i'm a creature of habit, but i think i can get it here in guelph....i just remembered.

anyways so the tongue in chic [pun intended] comments about vanity got me thinking about 1 peter 3:3-5 again.

Do not let your adorning be external- the braidng of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

i think the first time i read this a while back, i was like "crap". i want the "imperishable beauty" that's precious in God's sight, but "gentle and quiet spirit"? so not me. i think everyone would describe me as "loud". but then i think a friend was like there's a difference in personality and the inner spirit. i don't know. how does one go about cultivating a gentle and quiet spirit? what does it look like? anyways food for thought.

on another note. i'm now majoring only in ID with a minor in ECON. sad. it would have been feasible if i had started the double major right off the bat in first year. oh wells. another good quote from my econ prof's office.

"talk is cheap because supply is high and demand is low". ~unknown.

another reminder to talk less and listen more. i tend to be long winded. i hope i don't end up being one of those boring, nagging, grannies. eewwww.

college royal pictures

ok lydders, i concede. here are some pictures.

ashley and ryan. aka rashley aka ashyan aka kreundler. the happy couple. seeing them brings the hugest smile to my face and makes my heart giddy with joy. something's right in this world after all. ;) so cute!!! hehehe. i feel like an azn auntie.



here's the best full body shot that i have. becky and i under a palm tree. and yes that is a tiara. :D



cheers to an awesome house next year. our annual mocktail tradition. the make-up's all melted by this time. haha. i kinda felt it oozing off my face. :P haha it rawks to be a girl.

bust a move in the dance circle! trev-dawg, lauren, becky, jill, and katie with margie's head in the foreground.

ok i couldn't resist. another picture of the happy couple. truth be told i took more pictures of these two than anyone else. *cheshire cat grin*

dancing into the night

last night was the annual college royal ball here at moo U. i had a BLAST! oh it was so good. i love getting dressed up and dancing the night away. or at least pretending to know how to "dance". hahaha. ohmigosh it was all good when the music was hip hop cuz i can actually boogey to that, but when we went to the country, the swing, and the jazz room it was like i had two left feet. it's an irksome feeling when you want to dance properly, but you don't know the moves. so i just spent half the time gawking at the really good dancers trying to pick up something and then half the time i goofed off and i pretended to know how to dance to country and swing. i couldn't bother with jazz. it was way out of my league. hahaha. oh man it was SO jokes. it was so much fun!

in the country room, heather and i got tyler one of the aggie guys to teach us how to two step. he was sooo good. all these twirls, turns, and DIPS! i'm all for the dips. then we tried to teach the other guys to two step. i'd say for me it was pretty much the blind leading the blind. :D hahaha i joked to heather that we should start a dance movement by winning guys over to dancing, building them up in their skill, and sending them out to teach other people. not that we were qualified to teach them "skills". :P i've GOT to learn how to dance. it'd be that much funner. i got to get myself to one of those salsa nights.

my feet were so sore at the end of the night. it reminded me of the fairy tale "the twelve princesses" where there were twelve princesses who wore out their shoes every night dancing. for the record it's not a smart idea to walk barefoot in march not so much because of the rocks but because the ground is SO cold. i suffered more from the cold than the stones. so don't go barefoot in march girls. i'm glad that girls don't wear stilettos to university at guelph. i think i would die. i would look pretty, but i would die.

my only regret from the night was that i didn't take enough pictures. i only have 31 and they're pretty crappy ones at that. my camera's pretty craptacular in dim lighting. i looked so pretty, but the pictures didn't turn out properly. haha yes the vanity comes out. i admit it. no pretty picture to send my mom. but other than that no regrests. no feelings of insecurity, no feelings of envy, and or emotionally crashing afterwards. yay God for personal development! i use to be soo self-conscious about dancing that i wouldn't enjoy myself at all. now's it's just like whatevs c'mon let's go for it. hahaha. i know i'm not the best dancer, but honestly that's not the point of these things. plus there's no point in comparing b/c someone will always be better. might as well have fun. i only live once. last night i kept remembering how i use to be such a wallflower, so insecure, and so envious of all the girls with dates. no pangs of envy and discontentment last night. i admit i still get riled at slow songs, but that's just b/c slow songs just clear the dance floor and they play bad ones too. could it be possible that i'm learning to be content with whatever situation i'm in? what a change. i also thought i was going to crash emotionally coming back to reality because honestly who doesn't want to be a princess dancing 24/7 instead of a uni student with deadlines breathing down her neck? but that didn't happen either. so good. God took good care of me and still is taking care of me.

welps it's back to dancing in front of the mirror until college royal! :D what the hey am i going to do after graduation? hardcore dance classes!

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today i was actually able to get up for church without feeling like death. i shared at church today about my trip to panama in chinese. i think that's the first time i ever shared in chinese. whoa. i didn't think about that before. i'm glad i didn't i might have freaked. it went really well. i prayed that God would loosen my tongue and give me the words to say and He did. it was funny the way i prepped for it though. i wrote the entire thing out in pin yin. misspelled pin yin. haha. oh geez. i went early and got francis to help me with some of the bigger words. it's weird calling him just francis, b/c he's the age of my grandparents. i feel like i should be calling him "ye ye". i cringe inside everytime i call him by his first name. it just feels so disrespectful. but anyh00t i love the community at calvary baptist church. it's like one big family. my pastor is really like the dad of the church. i think i like him so much because he's like the chinese dad i never had. he made fun of me in front of the entire congregation after i shared. lol. so jokes. oh man, but you just gotta love the man. i also met someone from my chinese hometown. man alive, it felt so good to bust out the regional dialect. sooo goood.

extolling the virtues of the farmer's market

this morning i went to the farmer's market with amanda on the way to checking out some stuff for the yearend formal.

i. love. it.

the food's so cheap and so fresh! i think amanda and i are going to go every saturday morning now. strawberries were $1.50 a pint, but i didn't get any cuz i loaded up on oranges. oyster mushrooms were only $1.50 too, but i saw that after buying two pints of portabello. i lurve my mushrooms. it was awesome. it was really quaint and artsy too. i felt like i was in a movie, a chick flick to be exact. so grown up and chic buying fresh veggies at a farmer's market. hehehehe.

there was also a chinese lady there selling these delicious dumplings, but they were too expensive. the sauce they had for the dumplings was SO good. it was heavenly. i got a taste of it on a toothpick. her husband offered it to me, but get this: her husband's white AND he speaks fluent mandarin! probably more fluent than me! then when i complimented him on his fluency he said "na ni". [rough translation: not really with the connotation that there's room for improvement and the insinuation that i'm being too kind by paying the compliment.] i was pretty much impressed. he knew the nuances of the language. complete fluency in mandarin AND mastery of "chinese modesty". whoa. he's got the culture down pat too. that takes a lot of effort and work. now he was an egg if i ever met one. some CBC's don't even have "chinese modesty". floored. totally floored. his wife told me that he was something of a spectacle when they were back in taiwan. i don't doubt it.

on another note. did you know that the word "lurve" is actually used by j.k. rowling in the sixth harry potter book? i thought it was just a rogue word spawned by the internet. i got excited when i read that last night.

isn't it ironic?

two days ago, i was falling asleep everywhere and anywhere. tonight i can't fall asleep at all. i came home straight from weekly meeting just so i could get to sleep early, but here i am @ 12:52am still up and blogging. maybe subconsciously i don't want to sleep because when i wake up from my sleep, i'll find myself in another day that i'm not ready for. time is just carrying me along, rushing me through life. i want it to stop so i can get things done and enjoy life itself. so much for a balanced lifestyle, eh? that's not happening anytime soon. i'm so backlogged in school work that i'm living at the library again. it was the one thing i was trying to avoid this semester.

i want may to come and i don't want may to come. i want it to come so i can be in the mountains, but that means another year gone and a dramatically different new school year on the way with a new season of life at the end. i feel like i'm bracing myself for the impact. i guess this anxiety over the lack of control of my future manifests itself through my task-orientation. at least that's what psychologists would say right? i have been complusively cleaning my room........

i think i just need a vacation.

the psychology of blogs

another day where i can see the sky go from pitch black to dark blue to light blue tinted with red, orange and pink. one last midterm for this semester.

since i've returned from panama i've consistently blogged every single day, twice on some days even. shnikeys. it just goes to prove my theory from last year that the busier/more stressed i get the more i blog. there is a correlation and no i'm not busting out that correlation formula to figure it out.

psychologically what could be the reason(s)?

1. helps relieve the stress through catharsis aka venting.
2. helps organize thoughts so i don't go bonkers.
3. since i'm living in the library again with minimal social contact, blogging replaces talking to friends in person. at least i'm talking to someone. actually in my head when i blog i talk to myself as if i was out of body and then everyone that reads this is just eavesdropping on my conversation with myself. anyways.
4. it lets the non-guelphites or actually even some guelphites know that i'm still very much alive. the heart's beating, the lung's working, the brain's turning.

now it's time to go get ready to go to school.

happy fake birthday to me

i have the best DG girls ever hands down. who gets a card on their fake birthday?! :D ahahaha so good. but then again who actually has a fake birthday? :P so tempted to stay for a victory lap so i can keep being their DG leader. i think....two years is TOO short! i love guelph!!! so ecstatic to be here. i'm really grateful and glad that God put me here even though i was madly gunning for schulich. i don't even want to really think about leaving. the reality of actually leaving after next year is starting to sink in, and it's scary. why can't i just stay here as staff? :( silly question that we all know the answer to...haaaaaa....i feel like i'm being kicked out of "the nest".

it's too early to start moping. as a good friend would say "suck it up cupcake". :D can't be too comfy. gotta step out and step up to challenges. anyh00t one more year of university and then it's out into the real world. *gulp* might as well enjoy it while it lasts. tomorrow's got worries of its own.

have a nice guilt trip

university students are among the top 1% of the world population. the elite of the elite. i'm an elite. you're most likely an elite too if you're reading this. that's one stat that i've heard i think twice in the last week and a half. i've also heard it a lot being an ID student. sounds good, eh? it doesn't make me feel good. it makes me want to hang my head in shame. wait no, i'm already doing that.

what a privilege. what an honour. what am i doing with it? i don't feel like i'm doing much. today is one of the days i feel like i'm squandering my education. i don't feel like i've been doing my studies justice. it's not just the marks, but the knowledge that i learn. i haven't read my IPE textbook at all except for one page.

oh the hypocrisy and melodrama that is my life.

reconciliation

i didn't realize that i was so highstrung from last week. i thought i was pretty cool. guess not. today when i was chilling @ 699 scottsdale, we listened to some old school celine dion, and i just melted. stress just ooozed out. ah... sooo good. it was reminiscent of younger, simpler, and naiever (is that even a word?) days. actually i don't think things were better way back when, but nostalgia always makes things seem nicer.

so my dad (biological) called from cali today. long story short i think we're reconciled. i kind of feel more whole now. ok i need to go let this sink in.

lessons from exhaustion

this has been a really exhausting week. my body still feels heavy and drained, but it's been eye-opening and humbling for me. i now see the limits of my humanity...for the nth time. i am not superwoman no matter how much i try to be. [i should try to remember this fact.]

1. i need 9-10 hours of sleep.
no less than that. i survived this week on 6 hours a night, and i'm paying dearly for it right now. i have got to stop comparing myself to my crazy engineer friends at UT who can pull this one off. actually i don't know if they can pull it off. maybe it's just in my head. i always feel guilty for sleeping too much. funny how it took the comments on www.43things.com [courtesy of katie] to convince me that i shouldn't feel guilty for sleeping. most people said it wasn't worth it to attempt to survive on 4-6 hours. i concur.

2. being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be.
it felt so good to let down my guard and bravado today when talking to my pastor's wife about how stressed i was getting about sunday school. it was a relief to have someone else shoulder the burden with me, to let someone else care for me. i don't think i like being "tough" all the time anymore.

3. i don't have it all together and that's.....ok?
still trying to wrap my head around this one.

4. words. i should watch those words.
i have a theory that i shouldn't be allowed to talk after 11 or when i'm dead tired like i was this week. my thoughts don't make sense in my head and they come out all warped when i speak. people misconstrue the meaning of my words because i'm so incoherent, but then i'm too tired to correct myself. which essentially is lying, isn't it? i mean it takes a lot for me to sort my thoughts when i AM coherent to myself as it is....

5. i still don't have solid boundaries yet.
i need to learn to say no to doing things. getting better at it, but definitely room for improvement.

6. sleeping makes me feel better physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
bottomline. i need my sleep.

a lil lesson in spanish

the great thing about spanish is that it sounds the way it looks. no silent e's and s's like in french, but the h's are silent and the j's sound like h's. double l's are pronounced like ya or ja depending on location. so here's the lyrics to "open the eyes of my heart, Lord". go crazy.

Abre mis ojos oh Christo
Abre mis ojos te pido
Yo quiero verte
Yo quiero verte

Y verte
Alto y exaltado
Brillando en la luz de tu gloria
Derrama tu poder y amor
Mientras cantamos Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Yo quiero verte

vicarious living

i may not be going on oex this summer...*tear*... hehehehe...but one of my girls potentially might! here i was recruiting hardcore for national project, (wow, i never thought that i would do that. it would have been heresy two years ago.) and she wants to go on OEX. daaaaah! then two of my other girls are applying to join me on nat'l project in calgary this summer!!! excuse me while i go scream wildly with flailing arms around my room in a figurative sense since it is 3:30ish in the morning. i'm going to have to do that literally today sometime. preferably in a large open field.

so it's like i did "clone" myself or rather God cloned me because i can't touch hearts like Him. spiritual multiplication people. spiritual multiplication. so back to the whole "i can't be in 200+ countries at once deal", i'll just stake a claim on one, and God-willing send people to the rest short term and long term! DIBS! "aight i'm going to [insert name of country here] then you go to [insert name of a different country here] and then you go to [insert name of another different country here] and so on and so forth. vicarious living at its best! imagine the post cards. hahaha oh baby can you imagine if you had a discipleship group and each person went on a different project? that would make for one funkadelic discipleship group meeting, the first week back.

God is so amazingly faithful. i still remember sitting in kirsten's discipleship group last semester and whining all the time about how my girls aren't interested in projects. then i find out this semester that they are interested! especially the one about OEX. i was like "how is it that you're in MY discipleship group, interested in OEX, but i don't know about it?" arrogant, i know. craziness. i actually did give up praying for them to go on project last semester. i was like "oh, maybe next year." dah, dah, and dah! pri, it would be SO cool, if she went, and you ended up discipling her. show her the brown ways. :D ahhhhh! God is so good. all praise and glory go to Him! HIM!!!

sidenote: i broke the no coffee/coke after 5pm rule. i had expresso AND coke. cherry coke with extra syrup. yeah. hrm...i thought i would sleep through it. apparently not. lost an euchre game too. brutal. got euchred 3x and they had 2 alone hands. brutes.

a "sustainable hobby"

well in ID, the definition of the term "sustainable" is highly volatile, but here i take it to mean something that i can keep up. so since realizing that i officially have no life, i've been on a brain journey to figure out what kind of hobbies i could have that are no or low-cost, enjoyable, and maintainable. most of the ideas that i have are to dig my old hobbies out of the woodworks. they worked for me before why not now?

right now i can:
1. bust out that drawing how-to book. maybe i can finally master conte?
2. go to the gym regularly, just in case i can paddle this summer.
3. start practicing piano again even if i can only play those two songs.
4. read more except good fiction is hard to find these days. books are either too smutty or too new age-ish. any good fiction recommendations?

when i have an income i can:
1. take dance lessons.
2. learn how to cook like a pro.
3. watch musicals, ballets, plays, and go to the symphony
4. take piano lessons

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this crazy week is finally drawing to an end. i'm so thankful that God has been so gracious to me with school work. i just kept getting the "right" journals for the report. the math midterm was mostly review from last semester, and the geography midterm wasn't hard at all. thank You, Lord. i would have been completely spent otherwise. i'm still pretty exhausted.

the inevitable question {day 4}

"are you going back to panama?"

i would say that my initial answer would be: "no". my heart has always been for the 10/40 window and for those who are purposely kept from hearing the gospel.

that said, it's a beautiful country with a wonderful culture so i definitely wouldn't mind going back at all. it's really up to God. the problem with the world being my oyster is that there's so many choices!!! i know i'm an easy recruit when it comes to projects, but when it comes to long term i'm a bit more hesitant. i guess i am "everywhere" in that respect as pri once said to me. but only God knows, so i'm just going to leave it to Him.

my wildest dreams {day 3.5}

the last two days in panama, we went to the old city and to the beach. dreams came true on those days.

think like a n00be and get a life {day 3}

more processing...

i don't like being a newbie. it's like being at the bottom of the food chain. i don't know what's going on, i feel out of the loop, and i feel like an idiot. i guess that's why i'm such a keener, always wanting to know it all. just so i'm in the loop, in the know. i think it has a lot to do with pride. i don't like feeling stupid or left in the dark. the term "newbie" is derogatory. it's a put-down even when said in the lightest way. it's condescending. no one's proud to be a newbie at something. even if you are, you're always trying to get better at it. so why would i want to be a newbie or think like one?

when i asked yvonne, one of the panamanians, how long she's been on staff, i expected her answer to be around 3-5 years. she's been on staff for 20. i was shocked. so was victor who was sitting next to me. she didn't "act" like she's been on staff for 20 years. she was always open to learning from the canadians even from us students. she explained that she always tried to keep things new. the gist that i got from it was "think like a newb". or at least that was the lesson God was pointing out.

being a newb isn't all that bad. newbs aren't arrogant or proud because really...they have no achievements to be proud of. so i think newbs by default are humble because they realize they know nothing, and that they need to learn from others, and that they depend on others. they don't think highly of themselves, but they do think highly of the people around them and they learn from them. [fyi i'm thinking in the context of dragonboat racing]

this is in essence philippians 2:3 let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. (NKJV)

ok so i know in some sports, this newbie analogy falls short because you can try to be the star of the show, but it works with DBR. for me as a newbie, i'm always eager to learn from others, and i think of others better than myself because they're more experienced. i wanted to improve my technique so i wouldn't screw up the whole team. so then if i could have the mindset of a newb with ministry, i wouldn't be so arrogant. who am i to think that i know everything after 2.5 years of being with CCC? yet i think i do sometimes.

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flora discipled me on panama, and when we sat down to talk we talked as if i was going to be on staff for sure. it was exhilarating in terms of "wow this is actually happening" and scary in terms of "what if it doesn't and i'm just being presumptuous". i mean something could very well happen in the next year. what exactly i don't know, but i digress. so the main point of the conversation was a balanced lifestyle.

as staff, i can't do ministry 24/7. that seems pretty obvious right? not to me. in my head, i think i actually did envision myself doing ministry 24/7. i could just see myself going into some closed countries with guns blazing, figurativelly of course, but at least i know now that's not the best idea in the world. she asked about what i do now and about my relationships with family and friends. at the time that she asked, i thought that i had a pretty balanced lifestyle, but after thinking about it, i've come to the conclusion that:
i. have. no. life.
i don't have any hobbies anymore. i don't draw. i don't paddle. i don't even have any books on hand that i read for pleasure. wait no, i do, but i've barely read them. i barely see my friends, and when i do it's ministry-related. conversations with my mom are five minutes max and they go something like this: "hi mom, i'm good, i eat, i sleep, i'm busy, i have to go now and study, love you, bye."

it's quite disturbing, but i have no solution. i need to get things done. no wonder i get burnt out at the end of each semester. actually i'm feeling burned out right now. i could totally just vege. i think the reverse culture shock has something to do with it. i've pinpointed the cause for the feelings of weepiness. lack of sunshine. i want my sunshine. so hard to focus because my mind keeps drifting back to panamanian beaches and the old city.

the old and the new. 

an appreciation for canadian soil {day 2}

yesterday was a hard day in terms of adjusting back to canada. i felt really homesick for panama. it felt like i was back in first year again when i first moved out of the nest. feels like someone's wrenching my heart. i don't think i felt this bad after OEX. maybe after the first one, but definitely not this bad after the second one. it's really weird because i was never in the "romance" stage when i was in panama. at least i don't think i ever was. i was actually looking back to coming back to canada.

don't get me wrong i enjoyed the ministry we were doing in panama, but i actually missed canadian ministry. (i know, i was surprised too.) i missed my girls! while it was nice to be able to talk to people easily in panama, i wanted meatier conversations too. something with more of a bite. this is going to sound so weird, because it sounded weird when it first formulated in my head too, but being in the openess of panama actually gave me a greater appreciation for the hard soil in canada. i thought i would come back all cynical and bitter about the intellectual arrogance of canadians, but i now really appreciate the opportunities it provides for God to train us and build our spiritual muscles. we learn to persevere, to be diligent, to fight against complacency, and above all to focus solely on Him when there's no visible fruit. then when we're sent out into the world, we're better equipped. i mean, can you imagine going to north africa when all you're use to is a really open country? of course God can use anything and everyone, but i definitely think He's using this hardness of Canada to raise up some solid labourers to be sent. leonora really opened my eyes to the great sending potential of canada. we have the wealth, we have the golden passport, and we have all these resources. we just need people.

that said...summer still cannot come soon enough. i'm freezing my butt off here. i think my cold tolerance level went down significantly.

reverse culture shock {day 1}

someone turn off that AC. it's so cold! i was surprised this morning when i woke up and looked outside. instead of a warm, green landscape, i was greeted with ice, snow, and chill. welcome back to canada.

personal space exists now. people are not as friendly. it is no longer appropriate to greet each other with a "holy kiss" especially guys. jookes. well sorta. it really wasn't sketch there at all. as if i'm one to talk. i have major personal space issues. :P i bet the panamanians could feel my body tense up when they leaned in. maybe it's just because i've been conditioned by canadian culture. i like the panamanian culture. it's so much more relational and affectionate. i think that if i stayed there longer, my personal space issues would disappear.

and so the processing process continues...

paradise

24 hours ago, i was on a sandy beach in the tropics, gazing at the brilliant stars above me, and listening to the waves crash on the sand. ohh heaven. how can i describe it? to just sit there, quietly in His Presence. could i possibly ask for anything more, to just be with Him? if only i could be reminded of that here amidst the daily grind. it was beautiful.

remain in me

i've been feeling really out of it the past week. when i met with kirsten this week, i kept telling her that i felt out of it and disconnected. i've noticed that i haven't been "waking up to God" this week. like when i wake up i feel like i'm automatically closed off to Him. a sure sign of spiritual malnutrition. then thinking back on this hectic week, i've realized that i haven't had a decent quiet time at all. it's been hit and run. sorta like shoving down a croissant before dashing out the door. i actually do that in real life. i buy mini croissants and i literally eat them in one bite. i just stuff it in my mouth. how attractive and ladylike. my mum would laugh, shake her head, and sigh. anyways i digress. so today i've been reminded of John 15:5 (part of the upper room discourse that we did on OEX. yay for IBS on projects. and by IBS i don't mean "irritable bowel syndrome", although that did happen. a lot. rambling again.)

"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." (ESV)

funny this verse hangs in my room on a huge honking scroll, yet i still forget. but what a good reminder right before panama. i've been so focused on the "to do list" that i've forgotten about the Reason why i have those things on the to do list in the first place. it's like cutting off the head. then Julia sent me a really encouraging email this morning. i love that girl. what a wise woman. and the first verse on it was Hebrews 12:2. how apt.

so panama. i am muchly excited to meet God in another way. huzzah! man lydia's blogging style is really rubbing off on me. i could be another lydia. yikesers. i need to invent words of my own. wait she doesn't use the word "honking"...ok rambling again. signing off folks.

hasta la vista chicos. voy a panama!!!!

snow day

we at the university of guelph, officially have a snow day. woot! it was much needed as i've a mountain of stuff to do before i leave for Panama in less than 48 hours. craziness. definitely a blessing from God.

the sacred romance

" in the middle of the night or the early hours of morning, when our hearts are most unedited and vulnerable...the voice in our heart dares to speak to us"

yesterday morning, as i was between waking and full consciousness, a voice cried out "i want to go to calgary". no jokes. i was taken back by it. "what?" the desire, the pull, was never there. whenever i considered national project it was just logic. pure pros and cons, but now there's something more. i've been re-reading bits and pieces of the "The Sacred Romance" by John Eldredge, for my dg's outreach, but i think God had more in mind. there's Romance. (and, no i'm not going to calgary to find a boy just in case you were wondering.) the mountains, the forests, the lakes, the springs, creation in general, have always called out to me, speaking to me of something, Someone, greater, drawing me closer to God. in the same way Calgary draws me with promises of Romance, inviting me to fall deeper in love with the Hero of the Story this summer. who can resist such an invitation?

the heart of the matter

seeing how it is valetine season and romance is supposedly in the air, there has been this online discussion (via blogs) about guy-girl relationships. it all started with beth's blog.

"Apparently it is neither uncommon nor abnormal for boys to like a girl, pursue her, get her (to one degree or another), and then, for no apparent or known reason, discover they don't want her quite as desperately as they did."

silas then wrote a response on his blog. www.singforever.ca.
to sum up this happens even to the best of guys who are honourable and who doesn't want to break a girl's heart. that was the part that freaked me out. "it happens to the best of them!" then there was much questioning on my part to try to figure out this "phenomenom". why? to prevent heartbreak by preventing "it" ever from happening. however it seemed like the guys didn't have any control over it either. it just happens. the only certainty was that it does happen and in a relationship it might or might not happen.

after pondering this, i think the heart of the matter (pun intended) is the protection of the heart. in wanting to know the answer/reason to this "phenomenom" is at least on my part a desire to prevent that heartbreak. as they say the best offensive is a good defensive right? but perhaps a better defense would be not to try to prevent the "thing" from happening, but to be prepared for break-up. i know it's really easy for girls to go overboard in thinking that things are signed, sealed, and delivered after the first date or whatever. but of course no one wants to think that relationship might possibly go sour. we all dream of the happy ending. that's legit. however i am reminded of what elisabeth elliot said in passion and purity (paraphrased) don't give your heart to a man until he's committed himself to you. so i think that means marriage. yet many a times i've poured my heart out for someone who hasn't even proved himself, deserving of it, or even wanting it. sad, but i learned. that's not to say though that we should be heartless, cold, clones, but i think the reason we girls get our hearts broken so easily is because often times we are careless with them ourselves. i know i have. i think we should take more responsibility for guarding our hearts. it's not fair to be careless with it ourselves and then blame the guy and label him as a jerk afterwards. it is after all...our hearts. easier said than done, i know. oh and this is on the assumption that the guy is honourable with no malicious intentions. that's my two cents from someone who's never been in a serious relationship. :P

happy valentine's day! :)
tomorrow's going to rock. i'm really excited. not because i have a "hot date", but because of the valentine's day outreach my dg is doing. so pumped.

let my shadow prove the sunshine

the past week or two i've been going through some doubts about what i believe. at first i kept asking myself "do i really believe this?" but then i realized that, that was such a postermodernist thing to ask, and that the better question to ask would be "is this really true?" i don't have supernatural powers. i can't make 2+2=7 by believing in it. in contemplating my faith, i realize that it's actually the crap in the world that convinces me of the truth; that we are depraved creatures in desperate need for Someone to save us from the hole that we've dug ourselves. as an I.D. student, i think i am blessed to have a wider understanding of what the world is really like as a whole. it's craptacular. i don't understand how people can think that humans are the solution to all the problems of this world, when all the problems originate from the selfishness of humanity. it's like the lyrics from the switchfoot song "the shadow proves the sunshine".

i don't even need to go far to find a shadow. i can just look within myself. recently i've had many moments where i was struck by my own depravity. where i was like "whoa, that was pretty ugly." that sentence itself just demonstrated my point. i've always thought that i was pretty good. decent. not perfect, but decent with just a bit of sin. but then as i really start to dig into my heart, it was like looking into an abyss of ugliness. there was no way i could've climbed out by myself. with a selfish nature, i don't think that i would have even wanted to climb out. i needed Divine Intervention. so yeah...the shadows prove the sunshine.

on another note, february seems to be think about "race, culture, and society" month for me. last year the reason for it was me being pulled over at the border. if you don't know what happened check out my xanga. this year it was the "yellow fever" video on www.wongfuproductions.com . i absolutely loved it. the stereotypes were so hilarious, and i could really identify with what was going on in that video in terms of the asian stereotypes not in terms of me swooning over white guys like that. (i think i would be mortified if i did something along those lines) anyways it made me feel like "yeah that's my community. that's how we think. that's an inside joke. aZn prYDe ra ra ra" it made me realize that i miss the azn subculture. i don't know what my point is. i don't think i have one. i had a good idea for a blog on this topic, but i forget. something about really being a third-culture kid.

lastly but not least, i'm the proud new owner of an ESV Bible. :)

an eye for detail

so i'm checking my stats assignment today. i find that most of the questions that i got wrong were not because i didn't understand the material. oh no, but because somehow i forgot everything that i learned in grade 3 addition and subtraction. silly adding and subtracting mistakes! frustration. i need to really check my work.

why my studying is inefficient

1. i check my email all the time even though there's no way someone emails me every minute
2. i zone out in class so things don't sink in
3. i read too many blogs
4. i blog too much

desperate times calls for desperate measures. well folks it's that time of the semester again, where shelly disappears down the rabbit hole. i think i say this at least once a semester. i suppose there comes a time each semester that i realize i have to hunker down and study like a madwoman. this is it. this really is it.

in His time

you know what they say, eh? hindsight is always 20/20. i have to agree. as cliche as it may be, it's really quite true. in the last week as i reflected on the past year i'm going to have to say that God's timing is always on the dot. never too early, never too late, it's always just perfect. i can think of two situations.

one was the housing situation last year. by the end of last year i really wanted to live with cru peeps in a "cru house" because i saw how fun it was and how ppl bonded. but also because i was really insecure about my friendships. i think i was basing my value and worth on my friendships with people. it was pretty evident in my blogs from last year. somehow housing and friendship insecurities were connected. i think i thought living with crusaders would cure the insecurities. it didn't happen, and i'm glad it didn't.

i've enjoyed living with my current roomies. they're fun girls, but more importantly God really used this 3rd year to wean me of said insecurities. i like that. now as fourth year is approaching (yikesers!) i'm moving in with Christine, Becky, and other peeps, "into a cru house" without that extra baggage. i love how He works. it's pretty much awesome.

second was the internship deal with cru. i realized this one sooner though. i think by the second week that we were in-country i was like "thank You Lord, for not letting me an intern". i definitely wouldn't have been able to handle it nor did i want to be an intern for the right reasons. spiritual insecurities.

do you know what this means? it means that i'm actually starting to learn to wait on Him. i didn't think it was possible....hahaha it's happening!!! not so impatient anymore. not completely patient. far from it, but definitely more patient than before. sweet diggity deal. i love how God changes me.

roger hershey talk

lydia sent me this talk. it's amazing. i definitely encourage you to check it out:

http://student2student.campuscrusadeforchrist.com/AudioMotivation.html

it's the second one on the list.

"having an eternal perspective"

do not be wise in your own eyes...

fear the Lord and shun evil. Proverbs 4:7

i confess i have been wise in my own eyes.

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we wil live and do this or that. " As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. James 4:13-16

So an addendum as Lydia would say to that "post". If it is the Lord's will...
I'm open to being sent anywhere. I forgot about last semester when I realized that none of the plans that I planned out for myself ever panned out. The only thing I ever got right was going to university. It's funny and sad how I forget the lessons that God teaches me so fast. So the only thing that I am positively certain of right now is my call into full-time ministry and the rest is as God wills it.
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Ava, this post is for you. I've been learning to always assume the best of people. Recently I've noticed that I've been assuming the worst of people, and it's not a good idea to do so. In a way, it's like slandering them in your own head. It hurts for people when I assume the worst of them especially when it's not true. So I'm going to try to not do that anymore.

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I've also realized that my style of communication is direct-direct. I say it like it is, and I appreciate it when people say it like it is. In a nice manner of course. Constructive criticism.

mental photoshop and other tidbits

tuesdays and thursdays i have 80 minute classes. they tend to drag on, so when i get bored i start to mentally photoshop my profs. it's fascinating to me how people age so i start to wonder what they looked like as a kid. a lil erase there. a lil fill here.

i wonder what i'll look like when i'm 30, 40, 50. God-willing, i live that long. i hope that i'll age with grace and dignity. i'd hate to be someone who's forever obsessed with and controlled by how she looks. i don't want to be caking on the make-up. by then i hope i'll have that inner glow of a gentle and quiet spirit. and i hope that when my hair goes grey, my entire head will become snow white not salt and pepperish.

i had a good discussion today with corey on the "the verdict and then some" post. he was questioning whether i was putting God into a box or not. it got me thinking. i have to admit that yes, i committed to the second one for fear of getting hurt. i wonder if i'm josh-harris'ed. maybe i am. actually i know i am. hahaha. i read "i kissed dating goodbye" at a very influential age and right after a very defining "event".

it's so much easier to think that if you go about dating or courtship or whatever the trend it is to call it these days, a certain way, then you'll have a fail-proof marriage, which is exactly what i think. no mess, no fuss, and no break-ups. then my ID training kicks in and reminds me that in reality, life is too complicated for a one-size fits all solution. hence all those least developed countries with the failed structural adjustment plans spawned by the World Bank and the IMF. but i digress. back on the trail, but i think that was the end of my thoughts on the topic. wait no, the world is a funny place. sometimes i get really frustrated that i'd just want to go be a hermit somewhere because things are just too complicated. "ma fan". seriously i can't see how people get together without divine intervention. so glad that God knows what He's doing.

i'm a huge supporter of conflict resolution. communication is good.

can't believe another week's gone. i feel like someone pressed fast forward on my life.