think like a n00be and get a life {day 3}

more processing...

i don't like being a newbie. it's like being at the bottom of the food chain. i don't know what's going on, i feel out of the loop, and i feel like an idiot. i guess that's why i'm such a keener, always wanting to know it all. just so i'm in the loop, in the know. i think it has a lot to do with pride. i don't like feeling stupid or left in the dark. the term "newbie" is derogatory. it's a put-down even when said in the lightest way. it's condescending. no one's proud to be a newbie at something. even if you are, you're always trying to get better at it. so why would i want to be a newbie or think like one?

when i asked yvonne, one of the panamanians, how long she's been on staff, i expected her answer to be around 3-5 years. she's been on staff for 20. i was shocked. so was victor who was sitting next to me. she didn't "act" like she's been on staff for 20 years. she was always open to learning from the canadians even from us students. she explained that she always tried to keep things new. the gist that i got from it was "think like a newb". or at least that was the lesson God was pointing out.

being a newb isn't all that bad. newbs aren't arrogant or proud because really...they have no achievements to be proud of. so i think newbs by default are humble because they realize they know nothing, and that they need to learn from others, and that they depend on others. they don't think highly of themselves, but they do think highly of the people around them and they learn from them. [fyi i'm thinking in the context of dragonboat racing]

this is in essence philippians 2:3 let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. (NKJV)

ok so i know in some sports, this newbie analogy falls short because you can try to be the star of the show, but it works with DBR. for me as a newbie, i'm always eager to learn from others, and i think of others better than myself because they're more experienced. i wanted to improve my technique so i wouldn't screw up the whole team. so then if i could have the mindset of a newb with ministry, i wouldn't be so arrogant. who am i to think that i know everything after 2.5 years of being with CCC? yet i think i do sometimes.

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flora discipled me on panama, and when we sat down to talk we talked as if i was going to be on staff for sure. it was exhilarating in terms of "wow this is actually happening" and scary in terms of "what if it doesn't and i'm just being presumptuous". i mean something could very well happen in the next year. what exactly i don't know, but i digress. so the main point of the conversation was a balanced lifestyle.

as staff, i can't do ministry 24/7. that seems pretty obvious right? not to me. in my head, i think i actually did envision myself doing ministry 24/7. i could just see myself going into some closed countries with guns blazing, figurativelly of course, but at least i know now that's not the best idea in the world. she asked about what i do now and about my relationships with family and friends. at the time that she asked, i thought that i had a pretty balanced lifestyle, but after thinking about it, i've come to the conclusion that:
i. have. no. life.
i don't have any hobbies anymore. i don't draw. i don't paddle. i don't even have any books on hand that i read for pleasure. wait no, i do, but i've barely read them. i barely see my friends, and when i do it's ministry-related. conversations with my mom are five minutes max and they go something like this: "hi mom, i'm good, i eat, i sleep, i'm busy, i have to go now and study, love you, bye."

it's quite disturbing, but i have no solution. i need to get things done. no wonder i get burnt out at the end of each semester. actually i'm feeling burned out right now. i could totally just vege. i think the reverse culture shock has something to do with it. i've pinpointed the cause for the feelings of weepiness. lack of sunshine. i want my sunshine. so hard to focus because my mind keeps drifting back to panamanian beaches and the old city.