let my shadow prove the sunshine

the past week or two i've been going through some doubts about what i believe. at first i kept asking myself "do i really believe this?" but then i realized that, that was such a postermodernist thing to ask, and that the better question to ask would be "is this really true?" i don't have supernatural powers. i can't make 2+2=7 by believing in it. in contemplating my faith, i realize that it's actually the crap in the world that convinces me of the truth; that we are depraved creatures in desperate need for Someone to save us from the hole that we've dug ourselves. as an I.D. student, i think i am blessed to have a wider understanding of what the world is really like as a whole. it's craptacular. i don't understand how people can think that humans are the solution to all the problems of this world, when all the problems originate from the selfishness of humanity. it's like the lyrics from the switchfoot song "the shadow proves the sunshine".

i don't even need to go far to find a shadow. i can just look within myself. recently i've had many moments where i was struck by my own depravity. where i was like "whoa, that was pretty ugly." that sentence itself just demonstrated my point. i've always thought that i was pretty good. decent. not perfect, but decent with just a bit of sin. but then as i really start to dig into my heart, it was like looking into an abyss of ugliness. there was no way i could've climbed out by myself. with a selfish nature, i don't think that i would have even wanted to climb out. i needed Divine Intervention. so yeah...the shadows prove the sunshine.

on another note, february seems to be think about "race, culture, and society" month for me. last year the reason for it was me being pulled over at the border. if you don't know what happened check out my xanga. this year it was the "yellow fever" video on www.wongfuproductions.com . i absolutely loved it. the stereotypes were so hilarious, and i could really identify with what was going on in that video in terms of the asian stereotypes not in terms of me swooning over white guys like that. (i think i would be mortified if i did something along those lines) anyways it made me feel like "yeah that's my community. that's how we think. that's an inside joke. aZn prYDe ra ra ra" it made me realize that i miss the azn subculture. i don't know what my point is. i don't think i have one. i had a good idea for a blog on this topic, but i forget. something about really being a third-culture kid.

lastly but not least, i'm the proud new owner of an ESV Bible. :)