think like a n00be and get a life {day 3}

more processing...

i don't like being a newbie. it's like being at the bottom of the food chain. i don't know what's going on, i feel out of the loop, and i feel like an idiot. i guess that's why i'm such a keener, always wanting to know it all. just so i'm in the loop, in the know. i think it has a lot to do with pride. i don't like feeling stupid or left in the dark. the term "newbie" is derogatory. it's a put-down even when said in the lightest way. it's condescending. no one's proud to be a newbie at something. even if you are, you're always trying to get better at it. so why would i want to be a newbie or think like one?

when i asked yvonne, one of the panamanians, how long she's been on staff, i expected her answer to be around 3-5 years. she's been on staff for 20. i was shocked. so was victor who was sitting next to me. she didn't "act" like she's been on staff for 20 years. she was always open to learning from the canadians even from us students. she explained that she always tried to keep things new. the gist that i got from it was "think like a newb". or at least that was the lesson God was pointing out.

being a newb isn't all that bad. newbs aren't arrogant or proud because really...they have no achievements to be proud of. so i think newbs by default are humble because they realize they know nothing, and that they need to learn from others, and that they depend on others. they don't think highly of themselves, but they do think highly of the people around them and they learn from them. [fyi i'm thinking in the context of dragonboat racing]

this is in essence philippians 2:3 let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. (NKJV)

ok so i know in some sports, this newbie analogy falls short because you can try to be the star of the show, but it works with DBR. for me as a newbie, i'm always eager to learn from others, and i think of others better than myself because they're more experienced. i wanted to improve my technique so i wouldn't screw up the whole team. so then if i could have the mindset of a newb with ministry, i wouldn't be so arrogant. who am i to think that i know everything after 2.5 years of being with CCC? yet i think i do sometimes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

flora discipled me on panama, and when we sat down to talk we talked as if i was going to be on staff for sure. it was exhilarating in terms of "wow this is actually happening" and scary in terms of "what if it doesn't and i'm just being presumptuous". i mean something could very well happen in the next year. what exactly i don't know, but i digress. so the main point of the conversation was a balanced lifestyle.

as staff, i can't do ministry 24/7. that seems pretty obvious right? not to me. in my head, i think i actually did envision myself doing ministry 24/7. i could just see myself going into some closed countries with guns blazing, figurativelly of course, but at least i know now that's not the best idea in the world. she asked about what i do now and about my relationships with family and friends. at the time that she asked, i thought that i had a pretty balanced lifestyle, but after thinking about it, i've come to the conclusion that:
i. have. no. life.
i don't have any hobbies anymore. i don't draw. i don't paddle. i don't even have any books on hand that i read for pleasure. wait no, i do, but i've barely read them. i barely see my friends, and when i do it's ministry-related. conversations with my mom are five minutes max and they go something like this: "hi mom, i'm good, i eat, i sleep, i'm busy, i have to go now and study, love you, bye."

it's quite disturbing, but i have no solution. i need to get things done. no wonder i get burnt out at the end of each semester. actually i'm feeling burned out right now. i could totally just vege. i think the reverse culture shock has something to do with it. i've pinpointed the cause for the feelings of weepiness. lack of sunshine. i want my sunshine. so hard to focus because my mind keeps drifting back to panamanian beaches and the old city.

the old and the new. 

an appreciation for canadian soil {day 2}

yesterday was a hard day in terms of adjusting back to canada. i felt really homesick for panama. it felt like i was back in first year again when i first moved out of the nest. feels like someone's wrenching my heart. i don't think i felt this bad after OEX. maybe after the first one, but definitely not this bad after the second one. it's really weird because i was never in the "romance" stage when i was in panama. at least i don't think i ever was. i was actually looking back to coming back to canada.

don't get me wrong i enjoyed the ministry we were doing in panama, but i actually missed canadian ministry. (i know, i was surprised too.) i missed my girls! while it was nice to be able to talk to people easily in panama, i wanted meatier conversations too. something with more of a bite. this is going to sound so weird, because it sounded weird when it first formulated in my head too, but being in the openess of panama actually gave me a greater appreciation for the hard soil in canada. i thought i would come back all cynical and bitter about the intellectual arrogance of canadians, but i now really appreciate the opportunities it provides for God to train us and build our spiritual muscles. we learn to persevere, to be diligent, to fight against complacency, and above all to focus solely on Him when there's no visible fruit. then when we're sent out into the world, we're better equipped. i mean, can you imagine going to north africa when all you're use to is a really open country? of course God can use anything and everyone, but i definitely think He's using this hardness of Canada to raise up some solid labourers to be sent. leonora really opened my eyes to the great sending potential of canada. we have the wealth, we have the golden passport, and we have all these resources. we just need people.

that said...summer still cannot come soon enough. i'm freezing my butt off here. i think my cold tolerance level went down significantly.

reverse culture shock {day 1}

someone turn off that AC. it's so cold! i was surprised this morning when i woke up and looked outside. instead of a warm, green landscape, i was greeted with ice, snow, and chill. welcome back to canada.

personal space exists now. people are not as friendly. it is no longer appropriate to greet each other with a "holy kiss" especially guys. jookes. well sorta. it really wasn't sketch there at all. as if i'm one to talk. i have major personal space issues. :P i bet the panamanians could feel my body tense up when they leaned in. maybe it's just because i've been conditioned by canadian culture. i like the panamanian culture. it's so much more relational and affectionate. i think that if i stayed there longer, my personal space issues would disappear.

and so the processing process continues...

paradise

24 hours ago, i was on a sandy beach in the tropics, gazing at the brilliant stars above me, and listening to the waves crash on the sand. ohh heaven. how can i describe it? to just sit there, quietly in His Presence. could i possibly ask for anything more, to just be with Him? if only i could be reminded of that here amidst the daily grind. it was beautiful.

remain in me

i've been feeling really out of it the past week. when i met with kirsten this week, i kept telling her that i felt out of it and disconnected. i've noticed that i haven't been "waking up to God" this week. like when i wake up i feel like i'm automatically closed off to Him. a sure sign of spiritual malnutrition. then thinking back on this hectic week, i've realized that i haven't had a decent quiet time at all. it's been hit and run. sorta like shoving down a croissant before dashing out the door. i actually do that in real life. i buy mini croissants and i literally eat them in one bite. i just stuff it in my mouth. how attractive and ladylike. my mum would laugh, shake her head, and sigh. anyways i digress. so today i've been reminded of John 15:5 (part of the upper room discourse that we did on OEX. yay for IBS on projects. and by IBS i don't mean "irritable bowel syndrome", although that did happen. a lot. rambling again.)

"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." (ESV)

funny this verse hangs in my room on a huge honking scroll, yet i still forget. but what a good reminder right before panama. i've been so focused on the "to do list" that i've forgotten about the Reason why i have those things on the to do list in the first place. it's like cutting off the head. then Julia sent me a really encouraging email this morning. i love that girl. what a wise woman. and the first verse on it was Hebrews 12:2. how apt.

so panama. i am muchly excited to meet God in another way. huzzah! man lydia's blogging style is really rubbing off on me. i could be another lydia. yikesers. i need to invent words of my own. wait she doesn't use the word "honking"...ok rambling again. signing off folks.

hasta la vista chicos. voy a panama!!!!

snow day

we at the university of guelph, officially have a snow day. woot! it was much needed as i've a mountain of stuff to do before i leave for Panama in less than 48 hours. craziness. definitely a blessing from God.

the sacred romance

" in the middle of the night or the early hours of morning, when our hearts are most unedited and vulnerable...the voice in our heart dares to speak to us"

yesterday morning, as i was between waking and full consciousness, a voice cried out "i want to go to calgary". no jokes. i was taken back by it. "what?" the desire, the pull, was never there. whenever i considered national project it was just logic. pure pros and cons, but now there's something more. i've been re-reading bits and pieces of the "The Sacred Romance" by John Eldredge, for my dg's outreach, but i think God had more in mind. there's Romance. (and, no i'm not going to calgary to find a boy just in case you were wondering.) the mountains, the forests, the lakes, the springs, creation in general, have always called out to me, speaking to me of something, Someone, greater, drawing me closer to God. in the same way Calgary draws me with promises of Romance, inviting me to fall deeper in love with the Hero of the Story this summer. who can resist such an invitation?

the heart of the matter

seeing how it is valetine season and romance is supposedly in the air, there has been this online discussion (via blogs) about guy-girl relationships. it all started with beth's blog.

"Apparently it is neither uncommon nor abnormal for boys to like a girl, pursue her, get her (to one degree or another), and then, for no apparent or known reason, discover they don't want her quite as desperately as they did."

silas then wrote a response on his blog. www.singforever.ca.
to sum up this happens even to the best of guys who are honourable and who doesn't want to break a girl's heart. that was the part that freaked me out. "it happens to the best of them!" then there was much questioning on my part to try to figure out this "phenomenom". why? to prevent heartbreak by preventing "it" ever from happening. however it seemed like the guys didn't have any control over it either. it just happens. the only certainty was that it does happen and in a relationship it might or might not happen.

after pondering this, i think the heart of the matter (pun intended) is the protection of the heart. in wanting to know the answer/reason to this "phenomenom" is at least on my part a desire to prevent that heartbreak. as they say the best offensive is a good defensive right? but perhaps a better defense would be not to try to prevent the "thing" from happening, but to be prepared for break-up. i know it's really easy for girls to go overboard in thinking that things are signed, sealed, and delivered after the first date or whatever. but of course no one wants to think that relationship might possibly go sour. we all dream of the happy ending. that's legit. however i am reminded of what elisabeth elliot said in passion and purity (paraphrased) don't give your heart to a man until he's committed himself to you. so i think that means marriage. yet many a times i've poured my heart out for someone who hasn't even proved himself, deserving of it, or even wanting it. sad, but i learned. that's not to say though that we should be heartless, cold, clones, but i think the reason we girls get our hearts broken so easily is because often times we are careless with them ourselves. i know i have. i think we should take more responsibility for guarding our hearts. it's not fair to be careless with it ourselves and then blame the guy and label him as a jerk afterwards. it is after all...our hearts. easier said than done, i know. oh and this is on the assumption that the guy is honourable with no malicious intentions. that's my two cents from someone who's never been in a serious relationship. :P

happy valentine's day! :)
tomorrow's going to rock. i'm really excited. not because i have a "hot date", but because of the valentine's day outreach my dg is doing. so pumped.

let my shadow prove the sunshine

the past week or two i've been going through some doubts about what i believe. at first i kept asking myself "do i really believe this?" but then i realized that, that was such a postermodernist thing to ask, and that the better question to ask would be "is this really true?" i don't have supernatural powers. i can't make 2+2=7 by believing in it. in contemplating my faith, i realize that it's actually the crap in the world that convinces me of the truth; that we are depraved creatures in desperate need for Someone to save us from the hole that we've dug ourselves. as an I.D. student, i think i am blessed to have a wider understanding of what the world is really like as a whole. it's craptacular. i don't understand how people can think that humans are the solution to all the problems of this world, when all the problems originate from the selfishness of humanity. it's like the lyrics from the switchfoot song "the shadow proves the sunshine".

i don't even need to go far to find a shadow. i can just look within myself. recently i've had many moments where i was struck by my own depravity. where i was like "whoa, that was pretty ugly." that sentence itself just demonstrated my point. i've always thought that i was pretty good. decent. not perfect, but decent with just a bit of sin. but then as i really start to dig into my heart, it was like looking into an abyss of ugliness. there was no way i could've climbed out by myself. with a selfish nature, i don't think that i would have even wanted to climb out. i needed Divine Intervention. so yeah...the shadows prove the sunshine.

on another note, february seems to be think about "race, culture, and society" month for me. last year the reason for it was me being pulled over at the border. if you don't know what happened check out my xanga. this year it was the "yellow fever" video on www.wongfuproductions.com . i absolutely loved it. the stereotypes were so hilarious, and i could really identify with what was going on in that video in terms of the asian stereotypes not in terms of me swooning over white guys like that. (i think i would be mortified if i did something along those lines) anyways it made me feel like "yeah that's my community. that's how we think. that's an inside joke. aZn prYDe ra ra ra" it made me realize that i miss the azn subculture. i don't know what my point is. i don't think i have one. i had a good idea for a blog on this topic, but i forget. something about really being a third-culture kid.

lastly but not least, i'm the proud new owner of an ESV Bible. :)

an eye for detail

so i'm checking my stats assignment today. i find that most of the questions that i got wrong were not because i didn't understand the material. oh no, but because somehow i forgot everything that i learned in grade 3 addition and subtraction. silly adding and subtracting mistakes! frustration. i need to really check my work.

why my studying is inefficient

1. i check my email all the time even though there's no way someone emails me every minute
2. i zone out in class so things don't sink in
3. i read too many blogs
4. i blog too much

desperate times calls for desperate measures. well folks it's that time of the semester again, where shelly disappears down the rabbit hole. i think i say this at least once a semester. i suppose there comes a time each semester that i realize i have to hunker down and study like a madwoman. this is it. this really is it.

in His time

you know what they say, eh? hindsight is always 20/20. i have to agree. as cliche as it may be, it's really quite true. in the last week as i reflected on the past year i'm going to have to say that God's timing is always on the dot. never too early, never too late, it's always just perfect. i can think of two situations.

one was the housing situation last year. by the end of last year i really wanted to live with cru peeps in a "cru house" because i saw how fun it was and how ppl bonded. but also because i was really insecure about my friendships. i think i was basing my value and worth on my friendships with people. it was pretty evident in my blogs from last year. somehow housing and friendship insecurities were connected. i think i thought living with crusaders would cure the insecurities. it didn't happen, and i'm glad it didn't.

i've enjoyed living with my current roomies. they're fun girls, but more importantly God really used this 3rd year to wean me of said insecurities. i like that. now as fourth year is approaching (yikesers!) i'm moving in with Christine, Becky, and other peeps, "into a cru house" without that extra baggage. i love how He works. it's pretty much awesome.

second was the internship deal with cru. i realized this one sooner though. i think by the second week that we were in-country i was like "thank You Lord, for not letting me an intern". i definitely wouldn't have been able to handle it nor did i want to be an intern for the right reasons. spiritual insecurities.

do you know what this means? it means that i'm actually starting to learn to wait on Him. i didn't think it was possible....hahaha it's happening!!! not so impatient anymore. not completely patient. far from it, but definitely more patient than before. sweet diggity deal. i love how God changes me.

roger hershey talk

lydia sent me this talk. it's amazing. i definitely encourage you to check it out:

http://student2student.campuscrusadeforchrist.com/AudioMotivation.html

it's the second one on the list.

"having an eternal perspective"

do not be wise in your own eyes...

fear the Lord and shun evil. Proverbs 4:7

i confess i have been wise in my own eyes.

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we wil live and do this or that. " As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. James 4:13-16

So an addendum as Lydia would say to that "post". If it is the Lord's will...
I'm open to being sent anywhere. I forgot about last semester when I realized that none of the plans that I planned out for myself ever panned out. The only thing I ever got right was going to university. It's funny and sad how I forget the lessons that God teaches me so fast. So the only thing that I am positively certain of right now is my call into full-time ministry and the rest is as God wills it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ava, this post is for you. I've been learning to always assume the best of people. Recently I've noticed that I've been assuming the worst of people, and it's not a good idea to do so. In a way, it's like slandering them in your own head. It hurts for people when I assume the worst of them especially when it's not true. So I'm going to try to not do that anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've also realized that my style of communication is direct-direct. I say it like it is, and I appreciate it when people say it like it is. In a nice manner of course. Constructive criticism.

mental photoshop and other tidbits

tuesdays and thursdays i have 80 minute classes. they tend to drag on, so when i get bored i start to mentally photoshop my profs. it's fascinating to me how people age so i start to wonder what they looked like as a kid. a lil erase there. a lil fill here.

i wonder what i'll look like when i'm 30, 40, 50. God-willing, i live that long. i hope that i'll age with grace and dignity. i'd hate to be someone who's forever obsessed with and controlled by how she looks. i don't want to be caking on the make-up. by then i hope i'll have that inner glow of a gentle and quiet spirit. and i hope that when my hair goes grey, my entire head will become snow white not salt and pepperish.

i had a good discussion today with corey on the "the verdict and then some" post. he was questioning whether i was putting God into a box or not. it got me thinking. i have to admit that yes, i committed to the second one for fear of getting hurt. i wonder if i'm josh-harris'ed. maybe i am. actually i know i am. hahaha. i read "i kissed dating goodbye" at a very influential age and right after a very defining "event".

it's so much easier to think that if you go about dating or courtship or whatever the trend it is to call it these days, a certain way, then you'll have a fail-proof marriage, which is exactly what i think. no mess, no fuss, and no break-ups. then my ID training kicks in and reminds me that in reality, life is too complicated for a one-size fits all solution. hence all those least developed countries with the failed structural adjustment plans spawned by the World Bank and the IMF. but i digress. back on the trail, but i think that was the end of my thoughts on the topic. wait no, the world is a funny place. sometimes i get really frustrated that i'd just want to go be a hermit somewhere because things are just too complicated. "ma fan". seriously i can't see how people get together without divine intervention. so glad that God knows what He's doing.

i'm a huge supporter of conflict resolution. communication is good.

can't believe another week's gone. i feel like someone pressed fast forward on my life.

for a rainy day

i found this story on my computer when i was bored. it turns out rachel dorey typed it during new year's eve when we were getting ready for the bash @ WC '05. i laughed my head off. what a great idea to leave someone a story on her computer without her knowing. it's like the equivalent of a nice prank. :) i laughed so i hope you'll enjoy it too. it was entitled "for a rainy day".

Once upon a time there was a girl named Shelly. Now you have to understand that Shelly was a very special girl, with a huge heart and a great ambition. She was ready to go change everyone in the huge pond 5 miles from her hometown. It didn’t even matter to her that the pond was very strictly guarded by the evil bull frogs and their crazy rules against eating the fresh green plants. These were not ordinary plants and the bull frogs knew of their ability to change lives and this scared them. Yet even with all the obstacles and strict guarding Shelly wanted everyone in the pond to get to eat the fresh green plants.
So Shelly listened to her heart and took the long hike over to the pond. She went threw the dark wood, over the huge creaky bridge and through the swamp. As she went she gathered all kinds of animals with her, because they too were captivated by her mission and passion. She went hard for many years and before you knew it the whole pond was secretly eating the fresh plants. The bull frogs even secretly started asking others about the secret joy and health they were experiencing. One by one they started to eat it, until the whole entire pond was changed!
And this is the story that makes no sense, unless you have an imagination and know what Im talking about. ;) Ps she lived happily ever and married the most handsomest frog in the world!

i really liked the P.S. :)

the verdict and then some...

well the week away from blogs, blogging, and msn has come and gone. it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. no extreme withdrawal symptoms, no close calls, no nothing. it was freeing. some results:

* i couldn't use the internet to procrastinate so i was always reminded of the things that needed to be done and went about doing them.
* i had better and deeper conversations with my mom on the phone b/c my attention wasn't distracted by the computer screen in front of me. huzzah!
* i had more time to think and reflect on God and the stuff He's been teaching me.
* i wasn't using the internet to escape from reality, which i now realize that i tended to do. it was an idol, i think.

the verdict: so i think i will keep this up with one exception. i'll allow myself to blog b/c if i only allotted myself one post per week, it would be way too long. i would have too many things that i would want to say...like right now.

and then some...

so this week the issue of making vows came up again. it's an issue b/c when i came back from OEx '04 i made two vows that are still very much in effect in my life no matter how much i try to deny it. and i've tried to. REALLY tried to deny it. more so the second one than the first one though.

1) the first vow that i made was to go back to East Asia, God-willing upon graduation.
i've been really confused about this the past 3-4 months because, well other people were so confused about what God wanted for their lives that i thought there must be something wrong with me being so sure about east asia. then all these other opportunities and passions with other orgs popped up like GAiN, OM, Wec, IVCF, etc...but it was a vow that i affirmed again this summer not just to God and myself, but to my brothers and sisters in East Asia as well. this week Ashley spoke wisdom into my life "only the Lord can release you from your vow," which i keenly felt He hadn't. if He did call me elsewhere, i would be released from the vow so i felt relieved and at peace about vow #1. but that meant i wasn't free from the second vow either which made me chafe. a lot. for a while.

2) the second vow that i made was to not get romantically involved with anyone until after one year in east asia.
that meant 4 years (of which there are 2.5 more years to go) of no dating or courtship or whatever because in my mind it made no sense to get involved with anyone if i was going to move overseas in a few years. if i did get involved with someone there was no guarantee that he was going to be called overseas or that i was ever going to get called back. now i know some people have had or are having long distance relationships while on stint,but that's stint. only one year. the call on my life could be indefinite until death. i didn't want to have to break up with someone during or after a year. imagine the conversation. "so the Lord's called me to stay here. i think we need to break up." or "there's a guy here that shares my calling more than you do...." YIKES! or imagine receiving that call? it could be tramautizing. at least for me anyways.

then there was also the possibility that if i did hook up with someone that i would end up not wanting to go at all, or the possibility that i might make a life decision based on his calling. not good. nor would i want him to make a life decision based on my calling.

it would also make it that much harder to pack up the bags and jet. as if leaving family, friends, home, and country wasn't hard enough. adding a boy into that equation could mean me weeping nonstop on the plane. then while i'm over there i'd constantly be counting down the days instead of focusing on the ministry. trust me, i know myself. plus there was a whole slew of reasonable, logical, factors that made me take this vow.......

which i've tried to get out of desperately because of all these irrational fears in my mind.
* i'll never get married once in east asia!
* what if mr. right shows up?!
* what if this means i'm forever choosing a life of singleness?!
* insert incoherent babbling and gibberish here

anyways...like i said completely irrational fears. i've never been able to really trust God that He knows what's best for me even though i knew it. but since before christmas holidays He's been reassuring me, and this week was the clincher as Lydia encouraged me to read about Hannah and how she was able to lay her desires and her burdens down at the altar and just walk away from it and leave it in God's care. He knows me.

lies debunked

for point one and point three, i've been constantly reminded that God is SOVEREIGN and that He is NOT a God of probabilities. that if He wants me to be married in the future there's no way i can avoid it. in the same way if He wants me to be single, i could be the only female amongst 10000000000 single missionary guys in east asia and still not be married. God's will cannot be thwarted. i suppose this makes me a Calvinist?

for point two, if i can't even keep vows for 4 years what makes me think that i could keep marriage vows for life if indeed that's God's plan? i am also reminded of Jacob and Rachel. So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her. Genesis 29:20 (ESV) i'm really touched by the last part.

"they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her."

if mr. right shows up today, two years' not too long to wait. it's quite the ingenius plan to filter guys i think. although i didn't have that in mind.

so yeah...while there are days where i think i made the two stupidest, rashest vows in the world, where i feel utterly and completely trapped, i'm beginning to appreciate the freedom, the peace, and the assurance that they bring. :) they just make life so simple. Worship and serve God period. it should be like that even without vows, but i guess i need these two to help me along for now.

i'm not saying that legalism is the way to go b/c for the first 1.5 years of this it really was a self-imposed, heavy yoke that i could not bear. in fact by the time last september rolled around, i was pleading with God to release me from this vow b/c i could not fulfill it on my own strength. i asked Him either to release me or to sustain me with His strength b/c i couldn't do it. i was hoping that He'd release me, but nope.

this has taught me a very serious lesson about making vows. they're serious things. i'm definitely going to think and pray a lot before making another vow. one wrong vow and you're utterly trapped.

so now that everyone that reads this blog knows about my two vows, i can't renege like a pirate. :P mission accomplished.

CUT!

i have decided for the next week to cut my internet intake completely with the exception of email since communication nowadays is so utterly dependent on it. i'll check it at most twice a day. once in the morning and once at night.

so no more msn (even appearing "offline"), no blog reading, and no blogging either. i waste an insane amount of time online on these activities. next saturday i'll reevaluate.

shellieos is going offline.

Elora Gorge