I Haven't Left the Country Yet

Today I went and bought a phrasebook in preparation for leaving the country.  I thought it would come in handy since I haven't really been overseas in a foreign country without the companionship of someone who knew the language.

S.J. came over later, and I decided to practice a few phrases on her just to make sure that I was getting the pronunciation right because it was somewhat hit and miss sounding it out from the written guide.  She patiently corrected my pronunciations, and we practiced phrases on and off throughout the night.

After we finished packing and eating we went over to her place practicing phrases along the way.  Just as we were stepping into an elevator I was asking S.J.  about negatives with my nose stuck in my  phrasebook, and who should be in the elevator but a local from the very city that I'm going to, who started giggling as soon as I stepped into the elevator.

Apparently the phrasebook had added two extra consonants to the negatives.

She agreed with S.J. about the pronunciation.  We exchanged a few pleasantries about why I was learning a certain South Asian language before she left.  And as soon as she left the elevator she erupted into giggles again.

Five Good Things

1.  Reading in bed in the mornings
2.  Eyeliner
3.  Slow mornings
4.  The ballet
5.  Pretty things

180 Degrees

It's amazing how fast situations and conditions can be changed by God within one week. 

One week ago my staff account was in dire straits. 
I wanted to go on the vision trip to keep STINT doors open, but it felt like they were slamming shut fast.
I was raising support in hope that maybe just maybe....

All the while, the depression came and went unexpectedly like a fog descending on my consciousness leaving me incapacitated as a person.  It took all my efforts to think straight.

Now, my account is nice and healthy for the most part anyways, and mentally I'm stabilizing and steadily regaining my health.

The fog of depression is lifting quickly.
I feel hope and joy again.
Life feels full and meaningful once more.
And what a relief that is.

Thank You God for meds.
 

Speechless

I am so in awe of God's GREATNESS right now.
I wish I could bottle it up, and save this understanding of how good He is for the future when I need reminders.

Oh, but He is good.

I have to say, that after all these years, I'm pretty ashamed of my fear of man, fear of failure, and fear of rejection when it comes to raising support.  It's not so much that I don't believe that God can't and won't bring the funds in, it's that I'm terrified of people's reactions, which has never been bad.  Oh me of little faith.  Thankfully for my job, I kinda have to do it.

And no, I didn't have any caffeine today.  For some reason my body likes waking me up in the middle of the night so I can blog.  Isn't it just so kind?  I might as well have an infant while I'm at it. 

Thankful

You know it's bad when you start off Monday thinking, it's so bad it can only go up from here, and it has.  I've been so loved by God and by people this past week.  It blows my mind at people's kindness.  They say what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger, and I definitely think that this past week has made my faith stronger.

Many Good Things:

1.  Roommates coming into your room early in the morning when they wake up, anxious to see that you're alright.

2.  People generously giving to send you overseas when you're the one that got yourself into that massive account deficit with your fear of man.

3.  Friends texting other friends to tell them to pray for you.

4.  Friends who listen as you detail how your weekend went down hill point by point starting with Friday afternoon.

5.  Your therapist telling you that even though subjectively you feel as if you're being dragged through hell by depression, objectively from his perspective you're actually taking quite good care of yourself and am making wise decisions.

6.  A boss who lets you drop in randomly on him and his family because you weren't doing well with depression, and then lets you drive his van home at night so you can save time going to the therapist the next day.

7.  Your regional director telling you that she sees more of Jesus in you, and that you're actually a kinder person than one year ago, and that you take more risks for God.

8.  A girl whom you disciple pipes up randomly that she prays for husbands for you and your co-leader because you're so nice and pretty.

9.  Colleagues who are willing to take on your workload unexpectedly because your mental capacity is shot from depression and stress.

10.  Friends who randomly buys you drinks.

I Quit

I quit.

Actually I didn't.  But I have wanted to. 
Many, many times in the past few years.
Heck, many, many times in the past four days. 

Forget that.

I've wanted to quit many, many times in the past few hours where the combo of my meds, green tea past the "late" hour of 12pm, and anxiety from ministry has produced a potent insomnia.

And I probably will want to quit many, many times in the hours, days, weeks, and months to come.

But if I was given the choice of any job in the world, realistically open to me, I'd still pick this one because telling people about the love of Jesus full-time is the best thing I can do with my time to bring God fame.  Right now.

And if I were to quit, it wouldn't be because I'm worn out, drained, and stressed from a crappy weekend, and a forgetful decision to drink tea past 12pm. 

Five Good Things

1.  Toddlers clasping their hands during Sunday School to pray.
SO RIDICULOUSLY cute.
2.  Lunch with church friends.
3.  People asking "How are you doing", and genuinely wanting to hear a real answer.
4.  Getting a random support check in the mail in the midst of a need.
5.  Cleaning up a storm.

and then some extras:

6.  Being prayed for by my pastor and an elder.
7.  Yammering on the phone with my mum.
She is SO RIDICULOUSLY hopeful sometimes that it's contagious especially when I lack hope.
8.  A heavenly Father Who gives better gifts than any earthly parent can.
9.  Motivation to do things.  Like cleaning my entire apartment top to bottom, doing laundry, and raising support within a span of 7 hours.  I've never been this productive even when I wasn't depressed.
10. Answered prayers.

I wish I could say that as soon as I started popping my meds, things started to look up completely.  Granted the spiraling catastrophic thought patterns have stopped, but some other symptoms continue to linger.  It does take a full two weeks for everything to fully kick in after all.

Some days are bearable and some days are still bad.

Like today.

My first thoughts were "Lord God, help," as I awoke to the day, and to the sensation of falling apart on the inside.  I managed to get out of bed to check some pressing work emails, but promptly went back to bed because I felt like I couldn't hold myself together.  There I stayed for another 3 hours, willing myself to sleep though I was not tired so I didn't have to deal with the depression. 

I went for a run later, but the despair and hopelessness that I felt still did not lift.

Then mid-afternoon it was like someone flipped a switch, and I felt like myself again.  

Depression, it baffles me.

A New Perspective

S.B. blew my mind today when we met up for coffee or in my case hot chocolate.

I was sharing with her how my biggest fear about moving overseas was that I'd spiral into depression, crash, and then burn out. I told her that it'd be one thing to be lonely and homesick, but it'd be another to lose my marbles.

But she pointed out that my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance.
That it's not mental or spiritual issues that I need to work through. It's just chemicals.
That as long as I had my meds I'd be ok.
That perhaps this was God's way of saying "I have your worst fears covered way ahead of time"?
That perhaps this was a blessing instead of a hindrance.
That perhaps this was God giving the all-clear.

Cold Feet

My proverbial feet were getting chilled before the depression symptoms arrived on the scene.
They are now officially cold.
Here's to getting some real perspective in 3 weeks.
Cheers.

November Goals

1.  Go to bed by 10:30 every night.
2.  Eat breakfast 50% of the time.  We're going to work our way up there.
3.  Read 4 books.  One a week is a good goal I think.
4.  One photo shoot of South Asia.  :)
5.  Jog 3k once a week with the one week overseas being the exception.
6.  Finish all editing from pre-November.
7.  1 hour of Arabic.  Yeah we're going to be realistic here.

Evaluating October Goals

Oh my....I can't believe November is here already.  It just seemed like yesterday that it was just the beginning of October.  


My life is flying by.


1. Finally finish setting up my room.  
It's pretty much done except for my invisible book shelves.  Once the canopy and lantern was up I was done.


2. Finish editing Leah and Matt's shoot.
Half done.   I took more than I thought.


3. Finish editing the Wong's shoot.
Also half done.

4. Get 4 hours of Arabic in. I still love this language, and I do want to learn it.
Utter FAIL.  
0 hours logged.
Although I did log 9+ hours of Bollywood movies.  More if we count all the songs that I listen to on my ipod.  If only I know what I'm singing....I can count it as learning a new language.  Well knowing how to pronounce the words is half the battle right???

5. Make one fascinator.
I started....

6. Try one new soup recipe.
FAIL.

7. Finish 3 books (Forgotten God, Tribes, The Practice of Godliness)
I finished 2.5 books.  None of the above though.

8. Clean as I go. Hopefully Frank the apt. Will stay cleaner for longer than 2 days.
I think this was more of a ongoing thing.

9. Do a fall shoot.
Didn't do a fall shoot, but Lydia and Sam's engagement shots count as a shoot.



10. Sleep before 12 on a regular basis.
I did pretty good.

The Valley of Vision

Lord, High and Holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;

Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.

-from The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions

She's Back

Oh the irony of ironies, that the very day I spoke at our weekly meeting on the topic of Meaning would be the same day that my therapist and I concluded that my struggle with depression- which manifests itself in my life as a pervading sense of immense meaninglessness, would probably be a lifelong thing since it seemed to be a chemical imbalance.

She's back.  My depression that is.

It's been 3 months since I weaned off meds.
3 months for everything to leave my system.
3 months for my body to be on its own, and not making it.
3 months for her to come back.

I didn't want to admit it for many, many reasons, but all the symptoms started to show up.
The flatness and the heaviness of the soul.
The spiralling catastrophic thought patterns, the dread, the anxiety.
The sinking feeling.

I cried, and cried, and cried, and am still crying.
At one point, in a bathroom stall (again) because even whilst grieving I couldn't resist a good cliche.  Girl, crying in a bathroom stall.
Cue cheesy music.

I cried because I felt and still feel like I've failed God.
That I didn't try hard enough to love Him enough.
That I didn't try hard enough to root out my idols.
Even though I know this is not true at all.


I cried because of oh the stigma, stigma, STIGMA,
which I only partially dealt with since I had believed  my depression was only brought on by my burnout and not a lasting thing.
Especially since I'm back on meds.

I cried because of lingering heartache that was exacerbated by depression.

I cried because I didn't want to go back to that darkness of the soul.

I grieved for "normalcy" or "wholeness" or  whatever semblance I had of it.

And so I continue to fluctuate between grief and acceptance- that this is my chance to bring Him glory by demonstrating my faith in a God who works for the good of those who love Him, in all things- even depression.

Then of course there's my sense of humour going: at least you weren't diagnosed with a terminal illness...yet.

Can I just say that today's one of those days
where I really wish that Jesus would come now.
As in this very instant.
I'm ready to go home, home.
I want to leave this broken world,
with all my brokenness, all my frustrations,
all my pains, and all my fatigue behind.
Bye, ciao, sayonara, toodles poodles, hasta la vista.


But regardless of when He comes, He will come, and...
so we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.
2 Corinthians 4:16-17

Drool

Red and Blue Sari, originally uploaded by shellieos.

Five Good Things

1. Finding parathas (North Indian flat bread) at Loblaws. Huzzah!
2. Wicked the musical. Not the book.
3. The Holy Spirit running my life on autopilot after I tuned out.
4. Skyping with one of my girls from project.
5. A great home cooked steak dinner.

YOU Follow Me

Comparison is a dangerous game, and we women play it too often.

In the area of singleness it goes like this:

"So-and-so got a boyfriend, why can't I? I'm just as (insert qualifying adjective here: smart, funny, beautiful, godly, etc... ) as her. Or even more so."

We do it because we think we have a right to a mate and throw a tizzy when we don't get one when we want one.

I know this because I've played this game.

"So-and-so got a man! Why can't I?"

And if not Shelly? What will you do? Give God an ultimatum?

More and more God has been impressing John 21:22 on me. Jesus had just foretold Peter's death, and Peter turns around and asks Jesus about John's future.

Jesus replies:
"If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!"

Along the same veins, I sense God pressing on my heart,
"If it is my will that she gets married, what is that to you? You follow me!"

People may think that I'm being fatalistic in thinking that I might never marry, but at this point a lifetime of singleness is just as possible as marriage. And I don't want to be naive, heading overseas. There may be someone to marry, but there may not be.

Five Good Things

1. Being a human chair for a 2 year old.
2. Heart to hearts.
3. Bhangra drum and drumming at the Indian restaurant.
4. Grilled green chili peppers. They burn your digestive system, but they're so good.
5. "Random" verses that pop out. Like this one:

I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears,
I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eye wastes away because of grief...
Psalm 6:6-7a

I am not the only emo Christian out there. Yay for the psalmist.