"Few things have the power to make us feel as sorry for ourselves as loneliness. We feel marooned, cheated. Everyone else in the world seems to have somewhere to go, someone to be with, something to enjoy. We alone have been excluded. We simply want to wallow."
~ Elisabeth Elliot
Passion and Purity
Did she read my mind and my heart? Because those are my sentiments exactly.
Sometimes I cry like Rachel, "Give me a [husband] or I shall die." Because the ache of loneliness seems unbearable.
It would be hell on earth to have no one and no family to belong to when all my friends are married off and starting their own families. I tell the Lord that I don't think I can stand it, and so He MUST give me someone. And thus what is a good institution, marriage, and a godly desire for it has become corrupted. In my mind the "saviour" to my hell on earth, is marriage and a husband. Since I have elevated my desire for marriage to a status above the Lord, because the Lord MUST serve that desire, I have turned it into an idol. Who I truly worship isn't the Lord.
But, logistics aside, who am I to demand of the Lord,
WHAT I want, (Marriage!!!)
WHO I want, (Oh, God, PLEASE let it be HIM, PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. Yeah, I've been there. Multiple times.)
and WHEN I want it. (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.)
Toddler in a toy store, anyone?
A few weeks ago I was shooting a wedding for a co-worker. As we were walking back to our cars after the shoot with the bridal party, I was hit with that pang of loneliness during a moment of quiet reflection. Everyone was paired off. Everyone had someone, belonged to someone. I was the only one that was alone. The odd one out. Funny how some of the loneliest moments are when you're around others. That shoot was bittersweet.
"Lord," I cried in my heart, "I'm lonely...I don't know if I have the strength to walk through life alone."
And His still, small voice replied, "I will walk with you."
He offered Himself.
There was no promise of a husband in the future.
There was no promise of no more pain.
Just the promise of His Presence,
yet I was comforted.
Because ultimately Jesus satisfies and loves fully and completely. He is better than any man.
Which man could and would go through the agony of the cross for me?
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I
desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Psalm 73: 25-26
It daunts me to imagine being single for the rest of my life, but I'm learning to take it one day at a time. As a wise woman once shared with me, "today I am called to be single." Never mind the next 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Today I am called to be single, and He will give me my strength for today.
I'm slowly learning (again) to pray as Elisabeth Elliot once did,
"For my loneliness, Lord- Your strength.
For my temptation to self-pity, Lord- Your strength.
For my...longings for [marriage], Lord- Your strength."
thanks for writing this. it's been a rough day and i need to be reminded of our Beautiful Christ.
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