How Not to Marry a Jerk

Frustrating.

That is the one word I would use to describe the process of trying to get married. It's like trying to navigate a mine field. There is no map. There is no trail. Just a lot of confusion, emotions, and awkward moments. Thankfully, oh so thankfully and to my relief, there is a sovereign God, wise mentors, and Boundless' mini mag on how to marry well. In its intro, Candice Watters writes:



Most women hope to marry, but for many, it's not happening like they thought it would. It seems too far away, or too unlikely, given the men they know and those they're meeting. Some wonder if their standards are too high. Others suspect all the good men are already taken.

I can totally relate to this, and a whole slew of other worries.

Written for young women, it covers topics from how to be intentional about getting married to purity, involving Christian community in your selection of a mate, and what it means to be compatible in a Biblical sense. Young men would still definitely get something out of it too. It's Biblical, practical, and easy to read. Highly recommended. Two thumbs. Up.

Jon and Cheryl ENGAGED! Sneak Peek

First Dance

As a wannabe wedding photographer, weddings are always on my mind.

THIS would be such a good first dance song....except for the fact that it's in mandarin and the lyrics. He's talking about breaking up. But! Oh the melody and his voice. (He's Christian too!!!) There are rare times when I'd want to marry Asian. This is one of them.

The Sillies a.k.a. The Pets

Reason for moniker: They all do incredibly silly things.

Silly #1: Duchess
Family: Felis Domestica







Silly #2: Sesame
Family: Canis Familliaris



Silly #3: Sugar a.k.a. The Dumb Blonde
Family: Canis Familliaris

How to Have The Perfect Day

Step 1) Have all previous plans cancel.
Step 2) Sleep in.
Step 3) Wake up when body needs to.
Step 4) Piddle around the house leisurely until ready to go.
Step 5) Drive to favourite university town, at top speed whilst blasting teeny bopper pop music.
Step 6) Get to said town.
Step 7) Stop and eat brunch at favourite local breakfast joint.
Step 8) Go to nearby breathtaking conservation area.
Step 9) Find a shady area and take a nice looooooong nap, or what feels like one anyways.
Step 10) Go Kayaking. Nothing like the sound of paddles gliding through water to relax you.
Step 11) Float/swim around in lake enjoying the icy cool water while getting a nice tan at the same time.
Step 12) Hike to a lookout point where you can see most of the conservation area.

Step 13) Pray and have quiet time at said lookout point.
Step 14) Take pictures of said lookout point.
Step 15) Buy favourite pens from local arts store.
Step 16) Drive through town reminiscing about the good 'ol days.
Step 17) Stop by McDonald's for favourite snack: Hamburgers and a large Nestea for cheap.
Step 18) Lounge on the green in front of your alma mater's most well known building.
Step 19) Have a photoshoot of said alma mater
Step 20) Drive home to cheesy chinese pop music.
Step 21) Shower, relax, and watch cheesy chick flick.
Step 22) Blog about said day.

Sometimes It's Like This

I don't want to be pitied.
Nor do I want to be placated.
And I definitely don't want to be patronized.

All's I'm saying is that sometimes it's like this:

What Time Is It?

It's TOOL time!

Anyone get the reference? It's from Home Improvement.

There are days when I feel like a complete and total tool, and today is one of those days. I've been doing some work in preparing for Orientation week at Ryerson for Campus for Christ in the past day or so, and I think I've hit the proverbial PANIC!!! button multiple times already. (Hangs head in shame.) Just when I thought I've mellowed and matured, I go and spazz out.

It's my first major responsibility since burning out, and the self- imposed Asian pressure to perform is holding a knife to my throat. I feel the need to perform and to perform well to prove my worth to myself, to my team, to my supporters, and to my organization, that I'm worthy of being on staff and that I'm not a dead weight because there have been days this past year where I've wondered if Power to Change would get more bang out of their buck if they hired someone else. Someone smarter, healthier, wiser, with more capacity, with more skills, who knows more languages, loves God more, knows the Bible better, is more faithful, etc...because you know there's plenty of people out there that fit into those categories. Now I feel the need to go talk to my shrink. Heh. :P

And ladies and gentlemen that is one of the biggest lies I've ever swallowed.

Because before God I am called to this ministry, and He has approved me, warts and all. And that is all that matters.

Because it's not about me.

It's not about me proving my worth the first week back to school.
It's about God and making His name known on campus.
It's not about me bemoaning my weaknesses.
It's about God and making His strength known through my weaknesses.
It's not even about having the picture perfect plans.
It's about trusting in Him and His sovereignty, and walking in faith.

Now I just need to play that over, and over, and over, and over, and over in my head.

So today's one of those "tool days", but they're good when I have the right perspective; a small view of me and a big view of God.

An Irrational "Love"

Ok, so here I am typing away at three in the morning because I woke up to go to the bathroom, and then started thinking about my CAR- about how much I'm going to miss it, about how you know, if I didn't sell it; I could spontaneously decide to go to the beach, and be able to do it, or if I REALLY wanted to, I could go to Guelph and Hamilton or anywhere else at anytime I want, about how much closer the Kenyons and swing dancing are.........and on and on to the point where my heart felt really wrenched.

Wrenched just exactly like the way it pained and writhed in your chest when you found out that the current crush of your life likes someone else/doesn't like someone with characteristics like you/doesn't like your race/just started dating someone... not you, DUH!/hates YOUR guts/has been promised to the prince/princess of Somewhereville at birth to end 200 centuries of war between...oops wrong story/insert another reason in which said crush will never go out with you.

YES! It really feels like this. I can understand guys' attachments to their cars now. WHY?!?!

"STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"*



*In case you're wondering, this is not the name of my car...although it could work, but what's the point of naming her when I have to give her up in a few days. It's adding fuel to the fire. That said, it's a reference to A Streetcar Named Desire. You know, just to show off my intelligence in my irrational state.

Ok, back to bed, and dreams of......crushes who were promised to the princess of Somewhereville at birth to end 200 centuries of war between- I mean, grapes. Dreams of grape.

Toronto Times

Things I'm looking forward to doing once I'm back in the T.O.

1. Swing Dance.
This goes without saying, but there, I said it.

2. Strolling through Queen St. West on a sunny day.
And included in this of course is hitting up the White Squirrel and Tealish.

3. Exploring the Annex with my awesome sidekick, JD the camera, and mini Redd.

4. Chilling out at Ashbridges Bay.
Mayhaps a game of beach volleyball?

5. Hitting up Balzac's at the Distillery district.

6. The Tempest at High Park

7. Paint

Five Good Things [California Edition]

1. Wasabi
My favourite Japanese restaurant on this continent. (Thus far.)
2. The West Coast highway
We're doing it again this year with bigger and better cameras.
3. Sesame and Sugar
My silly dogs.
4. Duchess
My fat cat who sleeps in the sink.
5. The best for the last. My parental unit.

Hermit

After six weeks of carousing with loads of fun people, living an hour by hour schedule it's good to hole myself up in my parental units' home and veg. The introvert in me is jumping up and down, doing cartwheels, waving flags and blowing on whistles at the prospect of a week of silence and solitude. W00T!!!

This Much and No More

I love how my body knows its limits when I mentally don't. I didn't realize I was pushing myself too hard this week until I came down sick with a cold. Then it was like my body saying to me, "Ok, you're pushing me too hard, so I'm going to slow down...now whether you like it or not."

The immune system has been pretty depressed since burning out. I usually don't get sick at all during the year even when it's flu season, but the last twelve months I've racked up two bouts of bronchitis, two colds, and one sinus infection. A record, I think. All that's missing is a fever.

It's still minor, so here's to hoping it doesn't develop into bronchitis or a sinus infection. Fingers crossed.

Just a Moment of Weakness

I use to get delighted when people would ask me if I had any insecurities because to me it meant that I was successful in presenting to the world a strong image. You know the whole, "I am woman, hear me roar" kind of thing.

Any loneliness, insecurity, or fears that I had would just be a moment of weakness. In my head I was independent and INVINCIBLE.

That was why going through burnout was so frustrating because it revealed the truth that I was not independent and invincible. In fact it was quite the opposite. I'm quite dependent on the mercies of God for every little thing, the truth of which did not bode well with me during the past few months. Because even though I was dependent on Jesus for my salvation I wanted to be able to say that I could depend on myself for being able to take care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally. I mean it's everyday life, I should be able to handle it! What a subtle but insidious mentality. My worth was in again...how I performed. Darn the performance trap. I shake my fist at it!

I thought I had learned this lesson well this past year, but as I am recovering, it seems the pride comes back just as fast as the energy levels. Sigh.

I was shocked to discover that in the past week I was mentally brushing insecurities, anxieties, and the like off as "just a moment of weakness". I still had this "I am invincible" mentality. Argrgggggh.

The Summer of the Bucket List

One of the (minor) reasons that I love my job is that every summer I get to check things off my bucket list.

Things I checked off this summer:
1. Whitewater rafting in Colorado
2. Learn to drive standard
3. Road trip the western part of the U.S.A.
4. Visit Yellowstone and see Old Faithful

Life Hurts

Today two of my best friends and I got together for a little coffee date.
All three of us have been through some very trying times in the past two years, circumstances made even harder by the fact that we were far apart in distance.

We laughed, we reminisced, we shared, we praised, and we almost cried or at least I almost did.

"Life hurts," was A.'s response to my fears and anxiety of relapsing into burnout. And how true that statement was and is.

Even after going through burnout I still go around thinking that pain is abnormal and that I need to avoid it. I also have this mentality that I've had my share of crap in life as a kid so I should be exempt for the next few decades.

But the truth of the matter is, that I live in a fallen, imperfect world with other fallen, imperfect people, and sooner or later life's going to hurt. It's the norm not the exception, but I keep forgetting this, and keep going around trying to protect myself with walls a zillion feet high as if I could really avoid pain forever that way. Silly me.

But I think the saddest part is that I forget my Lord and Master, who promises that:

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43:2-3

Life hurts, but He gets me through.

Five Good Things Road Trip Edition

1. Hot Showers
2. No Mosquitos
3. A REAL bed
4. Not freezing in the morning
5. iHOP

C. and I have just returned from the middle of nowhere, to civilization. Can you tell? We're almost back in the motherland but not quite. Abby in a few.

Driving Standard

So C. been teaching me to drive standard for our road trip back to the great white north.

I now know the fear of "stalling".

Yesterday was my first time on the streets, and of course I stalled at an intersection. Not an incredibly busy one, but an intersection nevertheless. I stalled at the very least... SEVEN times. I got so flustered, especially after the first few times some idiot started wailing on his horn at me. Like wailed without a break. I mean can't you see that I'm having trouble already without you making me even more panicky?

I checked my rearview mirror for him, but he wasn't behind me so I didn't understand what the rush was. In any case he could always go around me. The only other vehicle at the intersection was a moped, but it didn't seem capable of such a loud and continuous honk so I was like "What the heck?! Where is this guy, and why is he honking so hard at me?"

It was then that C. told me:

"Shelly, you need to stop leaning on the horn."

Enough Already

The very act of posting this may negate what I have to say.

I'm really tired of discussing romantic relationships, engagements, marriage, anything that falls into that sphere. Not because I'm cynical, bitter, jealous, but because I'm just...BORED. Yet it never seems to stop. It always comes up. I ALWAYS bring it up. It's always on the back burner. It's like the default topic.

What is it about this topic? You can never get away from it.

Resigned.

I Miss...

1. My sunny apartment
2. Grace Toronto
3. Grace Toronto friends
4. Toronto swing scene
5. And yes...the TTC

On Responsibility

Sure, I'm 23...going on to 24.
Sure, I've been on my own since 17.
Sure, I'm bringing in a paycheck being a working girl and all that, but I don't think I'm actually that responsible.

Responsibility, I have recently realized isn't defined by past accomplishments or age, but it's determined by my present actions. SURPRISE SURPRISE! REVELATION! SOMEONE GIVE ME A PRIZE!

It's weird because I've always thought of myself as pretty responsible, but there are definitely areas which has recently been brought to my attention where I have been irresponsible. Work commitments, church commitments, finances, and just even being on time. Funnily enough, watching Confessions of a Shopaholic was convicting. I think I've actually regressed in responsibility.

But how to become more responsible and less stressed? The obvious answer? Take on less stuff because if I were to be fully committed and responsible for everything on my plate I'd go nutso AGAIN. Ah, but what a blow to my prideful and misguided "anything you can do, I can do better" mentality. I have to remember that I am not the saviour of the world, that position is filled already.

Five Good Things

1. Love Story by Taylor Swift
2. White Blueberry Blossom Lemonade
3. Bang!
4. Jasmine Scented Candles
5. Waterfalls

On Being "Crazy"*

One of the hardest things about burnout is there is no visible manifestation like there would be, say if I was suffering from a broken arm. With a broken arm you can judge accurately when I am finally healed, but with burnout things are not what they seem. Outwardly I might look perfectly fine, but inwardly, it could be a completely different story. Though I have been recuperating, the road to recovery has been an interesting one to navigate as I try to figure out my limits and boundaries for when I'm not "crazy" or at least, for becoming less "crazy".

With the return of the light in my eyes and joy in my smile, comes the fear of others' expectations. "Oh you LOOK fine now! Great! Now you can do this, this, and THIS." The inability to say no because of people- pleasing tendencies, and the failure to watch my boundaries was one of the many reasons I got into this mess in the first place, and being at IBS, taking grad level courses has brought me face to face with the demon of the approval of others'.

The first two weeks bowled me over, and as I approached the "second semester" I considered dropping a class. I was not getting enough sleep and stressed, yet it was interesting to see the thoughts that went through my head as I tried to determine whether or not I would drop the course.

What if my friends thought I was slacking off?
What if my director thought I was slacking off? Am I copping out? Can't I just suck it up and stick it out?

And 'round and 'round it went until finally the question:

Before God: Are you slacking off or can you really not handle a fourth course?

That decided it. I knew I couldn't go into the new school year wearied, but it's been hard because there's no visible indication that I'm not well. The only one is that I've been taking four hour naps to recupe the lost sleep from the past two weeks, and even that can be taken as "slacking off".

It was easy to say no at the nadir of my burnout because...really there was no other option, AND I was under direction from my doctors to say so. I had PERMISSION. There was freedom in saying no because I had a reason. Sorry, going crazy. Can't do it.

But now I'm faced with the expectations of recovery and the kindly suspicion of using burnout as a mental crutch. Since I look fine outwardly, some people automatically think there's other reasons for my fatigue. I don't feel the freedom to say no anymore because I think that I don't have a reason to, AND this is where another part of me goes HOW ABOUT LONG TERM SANITY? HOW'S THAT FOR A REASON?

Even this post in itself is me trying to justify myself and my lack of productivity to the world. Ugh.

To Be Continued...

* Please note all use of the word "crazy" to refer to burnout is facetious. Burnout is serious. I'm just making fun of the stereotype.

On Balance

This weekend was a hiking, photo-shooting, elk-eating, fireworks watching, white-water rafting, and a bit of studying sort of weekend.

[As I type this J.S., is annoyingly reading over my shoulder correcting every word, in other words, backseat blogging. Good thing he doesn't read my blog otherwise I'll always get comments on my grammar. Well now I think he's going to go try to find this sucker, and make said comments.]

Anyways I digress.

This is all to say that this weekend has been a "good for my soul" type of weekend. It was busy, yes, but it was the type of weekend that prepares you to face the new week rested, refreshed, and rejuvenated, ready to chomp at whatever life throws at you. RAWR. It was just the type of weekend that I needed.

Being thrown back into a busy, scholarly lifestyle, made it easy to go right back to living a very imbalanced lifestyle. I was once again caught up and swept along by the currents and demands of the circumstances of life. Go to class, study, eat, sleep, play. Before I knew it I was getting overwhelmed, and stressed again, feeling swept along by the waves of life. I didn't even notice that something was up until my mood dipped and I got the feeling of clinging on for dear life again. So I decided to slow 'er down for the sake of my long term sanity. I'll thank myself later.

Trash the Dress

On the Rocks, originally uploaded by shellieos.

So back in May, I had a chance to do a Trash the Dress Shoot. I'm only just starting post-production.

Five Good Things Colorado Edition

1. Living in the same apartment as my BFF even though I still message her on gchat, to which her reply is "DORKFACE".
2. Learning about God despite the massive amounts of homework.
3. All the fast food joints that we don't have in Canada.
4. Southern drawls.
5. Seeing and hanging out with Canadian staff for an extended period of time.

A Pleasant Surprise

I've had quite a few number of unpleasant surprises from life this summer, so it was nice to have a nice, unplanned, pleasant surprise for once. I hadn't booked my flight to Vancouver due to laziness, but when I found out in Colorado that my friend, C.C. needed a roadtrip buddy to staff conference, I jumped at the chance. So after IBS, I'll be road-tripping it up to Vancouver for staff training and staff conference with C.C.

It's tickling me pink. I've always wanted to road-trip across the U.S., but more specifically the western half because it's different than what I'm usually used to. So another childhood dream is going to be checked off. And as a result of C.C. having a standard car, I am now learning to drive standard. SCORE!

Fa-Fa-Fa-Family

For family, I would export myself to the states.

Visiting my family is like stepping into a pool of warm sunshine from the coolness of solitude.

The Fives (Family Edition)
I love...
1a. Hearing the "baby, sugar, honey, sweetie," and all those terms of endearments that my dear aunties use.
1b. Trying to learn grace, gentleness, and sweetness from observing my beautiful aunties.
1c. Basking in the unconditional, selfless love of my mummy dearest.
2. Teasing and joking with my uncles; saying that I need to get my assisting the elderly badge by helping them; trash talking over Ticket to Ride games; asking them questions about boys.
3. Giggling over a yearbook behind closed doors with my little cousin D. as he shows me the girls he has crushes on.
4. Having Starbucks and Bookstore dates with my cousin J. We're two peas in a pod.
5. The feel of N.'s head on my shoulder when I carry her around when she's pooped out.

All this in the desert beauty of Arizona. Ahh...

For family, I would export myself to the states...were it not for the conviction of my calling specifically to Toronto with Campus for Christ, and the inspiring vision of Grace Toronto. Were it not for that, I would be giving my one year's notice, and requesting a transfer to the South.

Not "Either, Or", but "AND"

Single and content, yet desirous for marriage.

Seems like an oxymoron doesn't it? It used to seem to me like you have to hate one status in order to like the other. I use to villainize 'marriage' in my mind to hang on to what shred of contentment I had with being single, which is, in all honesty; no contentment at all. Or I'd swing the pendulum the other way and scorn singleness. Oh the folly of youth.

But it wasn't just me. It seems like a lot of people think like that too. It's not blatant. No one goes around with a bullhorn announcing: "You gotta hate being single if you want to get married or you have to hate marriage in order to enjoy being single." It's very subtle.

Like the question, "You have the gift of celibacy?" after I stated with conviction that I very much enjoy my single status. Seriously?

For the record, I don't think I have the gift of celibacy. I very much agree with my friend, M who says "You know you have 'the gift' when you're on your death bed and you've never been married."

But I digress. It's gotten to the point that I'm a bit hesitant to voice my desires for marriage or my desire for companionship for fear that I'm going to be misconstrued as being desperate and hating singleness, which in case you haven't figured out yet, I'm NOT. Recently at the hint of some of my desire for companionship, the outpouring of pity begins for the supposed plight that is 'singleness'. I might be oversensitive, but...

It is so very much possible to thoroughly enjoy and savour the season of singleness while desiring marriage at the same time. So this is my public service announcement stating thus:

I. ENJOY. BEING. SINGLE.
I like being able to do things at the drop of a time like going off to a swing dancing weekend with two days' notice.
I like staying out late without having to worry about someone needing me to come back home.
I like all the time that I have to devote to my hobbies.
I like being able to spend all that time with friends and family.
I like setting my own budget, my own timeline, my own goals.
I like eating whatever, whenever.
I like that I can work stupid, crazy, hours in ministry without anyone minding because campus ministry is definitely not a 9 to 5 job.
I like sprawling all over queen size beds when I get to hotels.
I like being in the driver seat every time I get into my car.
I like that I can buy stuff without consulting someone.
I like that I don't really need to think about anybody else except for me. I'm selfish.
I like ALL that FREEDOM.

At the same time...

I. WANT. TO. GET. MARRIED. SOMEDAY.
I want to be able to serve my husband, and cook yummy, delicious meals for him, do his laundry, help him find the right clothes, among other things.
I want to be able to come home at night to someone, to belong to someone.
I want to be able to bounce ideas off someone and have someone to go through life with.
I want someone to share my dreams and goals with.
I want someone to pick me up at the airport.
I want someone to freak out with like when I had chest pains and had to go to the ER.
I want someone to hold my hand at the ER.
I want to be that support for that someone, encouraging him to be all that God has created him to be and praying for him.
I want to keep a nice house so that he can return to a nice, homey, relaxed environment.
I want to start a family with someone and start a legacy with him, like Johnny Edwards.

And so much more...

So it's not either be happy with being single or desire to get married, but be happy being single and desire to get married.

Housewifely Ambitions

Things That I Think a Good Housewife Ought to Know How to Make:
(So therefore I ought to learn how to cook.)

1. Cookies from scratch.
2. Full Thanksgiving Dinner from scratch.
*Turkey
*Gravy
*Stuffing
*Sides
3. Lasagna from scratch even the noodles.
4. Spaghetti from scratch meaning...handmade meatballs.
5. Hamburger patties from scratch.
6. Cake from scratch.
7. Steak.

Anyone wanna be a guinea pig?

The Privilege of Packing

It's one thing when you're packing for a 6 week mission trip to a developing country, but it's another when you're packing for an extensive trip to a developed country. The former I could care less how I look, the latter I want to bring my entire closet and shoe collection.

It pains me that I cannot bring that sweet pair of teal kitten heels that will match that one top because....it only matches that one and only that one top. Woe is me.

What a privilege it is to have such a silly dilemma when there are millions around the world languishing for the want of food and water, the basic necessities of life when I can fret about how many pairs of shoes to bring along to a trip.

Then there's the fact that I am even going somewhere on a jet plane. And also the fact that I even have things to pack.

Privileged and blessed by God indeed for I did not do anything to deserve living in this country. I could have easily been one of the underprivileged.

The Subconscious Speaks

In my dream I'm back in school. It looks like my junior high in New York City. Dark, dingy, and dreary. Like a jail.

It starts off well. I have my books, and I go to class. But quickly, little by little I start skipping and slacking. Then before I know it finals are next week. I haven't attended any lectures, and have completed none of the readings. The knowledge of impending failure is certain, and in my dream I start to panic.

The first time I dreamed this dream, I was cramming at the end. The second time, I completely gave up, and was trying to drop the courses before the course drop deadline.

I think my subconscious is trying to say something, like the fact that maybe just maybe I might be stressed about my IBS readings?

The irony is when I was in university there were definitely some courses where I skipped completely and didn't do any readings until the few days before finals. Yet I never had such dreams.

Growing Up

Recently I've had frequent moments where I've actually felt "grown-up". Moments like when I was on the road to vacation with Lydders, or when I spontaneously decided to go to Quebec for the Canadian Swing Dancing Championships, or when I was showing my car to potential buyers, or when my credit card number was stolen. For the most part I usually just feel like a kid with a LOT of freedom, playing at "real" life. But now I'm feeling more like an adult,......................... 0.001% of the time.

If I Won Lotto 649...

and I had no social/moral obligations, I would:

1) Remove the monstrosity from my foot.
2) Sell my car and buy a baby blue mini cooper.
3) Buy a loft with a lake-shore view, and furnish it with a wanton shopping spree.
4) Pay off my loans.
5) Buy Canon's whole line of lenses, and their top o' line camera.
6) Take my family on a luxury vacation to Greece.
7) Take my best friend on a luxury vacation to Hawaii.
8) Buy my best friend a purple vespa.
[Although according to her, this would be a social and moral obligation.]
9) Put aside a chunk o' money for a possible wedding to goodness knows who.
10) Tour Europe for a year...or two.
11) Take private swing dance lessons EVERY day.

One can always dream.

BBC Book List

Instructions:
1) Look at the list and put an 'x' after those you have read.
2) Add a '' to the ones you LOVE.
3) Star (*) those you plan on reading.
4) Tally your total at the bottom.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (x")
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien(*)
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (x")
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling (x")
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (x)
6 The Bible (x")
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte (x)
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens (x)
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott (*)
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller (*)
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (*)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (x")
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (*)
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger (x")
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell (*)
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (*)
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy (*)
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy (*)
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (x")
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen (*)
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (x)
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini (x)
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden (x)
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (x)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery (x")
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood (x)
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding (x)
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan (x)
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel (x)
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen (*)
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck (*)
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov (*)
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas (*)
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville (*)
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett (x)
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce (*)
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray (*)
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens (x")
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry (x)
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White (x)
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom (x)
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas (x")
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (x)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (x")
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo (*)

27/100

If this was a test I'd failed miserably.

It's Happened

Remember how when you were a kid and you hated those "aunties" and even some "uncles" who would attack you the minute they saw you? How they would gush about how adorable you were, and how they wanted to eat your cheeks, and pester you incessantly for hugs and kisses? How you vowed never to become one of them because you know from first hand experience how annoying that was? And how you don't want to be constantly kissing the rough surfaces of some random adult's cheek? Yeah, me too.

Artistic Aspirations

I aspire to...

1. Get a Photography Certificate
2. Swing Dance Competitively
3. Rock Out on a real Electric a la Rock Band

Let's All Say It Together Now

Sometimes we Christians and by "we", I mean, "I" tend to over-spiritualize things especially when it comes to the not so gentle knocks of life. I tend to skip over the "grieving" process and try to move straight on to the better outlook on life. I don't know why. Probably a subconscious attempt to act/behave/think more "spiritual".
[Oh, the performance trap. Will it never end?]

But it's like, "Really? Is it honestly that healthy to not acknowledge the suckiness of the situation?" Not to say that I should wallow in self-wity like a pig in mud holes, but what I'm saying is to actually recognize that said sucky situation is not cool."

So let's say it together now: "This sucks. PERIOD."

Unleash the [Punk] Artist Within

It's so short in the back that I can't even make a ponytail.

But I LURVE it. It's like I'm going through the punk phase that never happened back in high school. I didn't have enough security back then to pull this off.

Now to work up the courage to get that tongue ring, and to make a final design decision regarding the tattoo, oh and...AND to learn how to play the guitar so I can rock out on the electric. YEOOOW.

Five Good Things

I am looking forward to:

1. Hanging out with my dear friends in Waterloo.
2. Grace Toronto's Good Friday and Easter Sunday services.
3. Sushi on Saturday with York peeps.
4. Holding Elijah C. after service on Sunday.
5. Lunch with church friends on Sunday. (I have non- C4C church friends! YAY!!!)

The Cherry On Top

I am officially doing a "Trash the Dress" shoot for a couple that I know this May. This is pretty much the proverbial cherry on top of the proverbial sundae, that is my summer.

"I didn't know if it was ok to ask staff who they liked."
~ One of my girls explaining how she was so relieved that someone else in my DG 'popped the question' so to speak.

Dum Move of the Day

Wearing wide leg jeans when it's raining outside.

The Fives

Five Good Things From This Past 7 Days
1) Hearing Dr. James Orbinski speak. (It was sobering.)
2) Becoming the PR rep for Grace Centre at Grace Toronto.
3) Russ and Mere's wedding
4) Editing pics from Russ and Mere's wedding
5) Swing dancing.

Five Good Things to Come
1) Grace Toronto's Artist Symposium
2) SLEEP, and lots of it
3) Reading the Cross of Christ by John Stott
4) Getting my IBS (Institute for Biblical Studies not irritable bowel syndrome) textbooks
5) That SWEET tax return check

Millionaire Dollar Team

Would you rather always be fully supported financially above and beyond what you need but only work by yourself or would your rather always be under supported financially but work with a team?

That was one of the "Would You Rather" questions that I asked part of my staff team coming back from a weekly meeting. EVERYONE chose to be under supported financially if that meant working with a team. And despite how much I like money, I would too.

This year has really taught me the importance of working in a team. I've always appreciated teams before, but never as like this. My team has been an integral part of my healing process from burnout. What grace there was when I failed, and I had failed many a times. What truth there was when I was blinded to reality, and I'm borderline delusional [sic]. My staff team is a millionaire dollar team. I adore them all. Yes, every single one of them. I can't imagine working without them, but now I'm going to have to.

Come April, most of them are going to be across the sea while I'm still here on campus. To be honest it makes me a bit anxious when I think about being "alone". I'll have friends in Toronto of course, but the camaraderie of my team won't be fully there. There's nothing worse than going to battle alone.

I know in my weakness God will be glorified, and that His grace is sufficient in my head, but at this point it hasn't filtered down to my heart yet.

I miss them already.

Love Me Anyways

Sometimes it's like, "I'm so messed up. I need to go see a therapist. Wait, I am seeing a therapist."

Today and yesterday were those kind of days. I shouldn't be surprised by the crap that gets squeezed out of me anymore.

I've been extremely hesitant to put anything on this blog regarding my journey through burnout the past year because of a fear of misunderstanding. I was afraid that people would misunderstand God, and lose faith in Him because of what I was, and am going through.

I was afraid that people would misunderstand me, because let's face it blogs are one dimensional no matter how good of a wordsmith you are, and no matter what, people always judge.

Plus burnout is something that cannot be encapsulated through a one dimensional medium. I don't know even if multiple mediums would convey what it's like. It's something that you wouldn't fully understand unless you've walked through the darkness of the valley. And since I was never that good with words to begin with, I was hesitant.

As for people judging, if I was a blog stalker who came to this site from my Facebook profile because I am a "friend", or from another blog, the first sentence would make me think that the blogger is psychotic. Let's not lie to ourselves. We judge period.

So that's why I was silent, but I will be no more. I'm breaking the silence because leaving this kind of stuff in the dark is worse. It makes it scarier than it seems. I'll risk the misunderstanding.

Life is hard and crap like burnout and depression happen. We live in a craptacular world. But the good thing is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel though you might not see it for a loooooooooong time. And that's the honest truth.

So love me anyways.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

~Bill Vaughan

Oh good ol' gmail quote of the day.

I have recently realized that I have a distaste for and an aversion to suburbia. Even where I live now is not downtown enough. If you're going to live in the city why live in the burbs? I dream of a loft. Mhmm...one day..God willing, if I'm still in this town, and not overseas.

Anticipation

I am so ridiculously excited for my summer plans that it's like having caffeine in my system all the time. I didn't think that I would be excited this year since I'm not even stepping off the continent, but I am!

April- Gospel Coalition (Chicago)
May- Martha's Vineyard (Vacation, time share courtesy of a very awesome friend.)
June- Arizona (Ministry Partner Development Trip)
June and July- Colorado (Institute for Biblical Studies); Whistler (Staff Conference)
August- California (Fresno, San Francisco, L.A., Yosemite, King's Canyon, and maybe just maybe San Diego)

I can feel the sun on my skin already. I can't wait to shoot all of these locations.

25 Random Facts a la Facebook

I'd rather write it here than on FB. I'm irrationally paranoid like that.

1. I like to do random things on the fly like getting my hair cut or my belly button pierced.

2. As of yesterday I have a belly button ring.

3. The violin, the piano, the electric guitar, and the drums are the sexiest instruments EVER. I love them.

4. I am now a clean freak comparatively to what I was before.

5. One dream of mine is to have enough money to randomly jump on the next flight out of Pearson to a major city in the world.

6. I have an irrational, shallow, and superficial fear that I will marry someone ugly. By God's grace it's lessening as the years go by. :P And no, it's not that I'm learning to settle. I absolutely refuse to.

7. I have small scars of a dog bite on my right cheek.

8. Foods that I use to hate, but now love: ketchup, sour cream, pasta, and filet o' fish from McDonald's.

9. I want to have the skills of a National Geographic photographer.

10. Textbook economics literally gets my heart beating faster especially microeconomics.

11. Harvard was my childhood dream.

12. I have THE BIGGEST CRUSH on James Franco of Spiderman fame, but mostly on his character in the movie Tristan and Isolde.

13. Going through burn out was the hardest thing that I had to ever go through even considering my childhood.

14. Despite my dry and rough demeanor I am actually quite the sappy die hard romantic at heart.

15. I tried out for the Miss Chinese Toronto beauty pageant back in grade 11.

16. I thoroughly enjoy and savour every moment of being single. Taste the freedom.

17. I use to be the hugest tomboy back in junior high.

18. My Achilles heel is my insidious pride.

19. I'm becoming a homebody. I just like piddling around my apartment.

20. I am NOT an extrovert. I am an outgoing introvert. I hate big crowds, and being around people too much actually depletes my energy.

21. I have a (bad?) habit of looking at engagement rings whenever I pass by a jewellry store.

22. One day I hope to have an art show.

23. I compare myself to others way too much.

24. I am the biggest idol in my life. See 18.

25. Quality time and taking initiative are my love languages.

Eggsplosion

IcamehomefromCostco.Put18eggsintoapottoboilthem.Leftthemonthestove,andwentforanap.

In case you didn't get that.

I came home from Costco.

Put 18 eggs into a pot to boil them.
[ I was going to eat them for breakfast throughout the week]

And then proceeded to leave them on stove whilst I went for a nap.
[Unintentionally of course. I was so tired I forgot the stove was on.]

Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke doesn't it? Well it wasn't.

An hour later I awoke to explosions coming from the kitchen. Sounds made by eggs committing suicide. Sounds loud enough to wake me not only from deep sleep, but deep sleep with ipod blaring. Yes, I sleep with my ipod on.

And not only did I awake to sounds, but I awoke to a haze as well. A haze that could've been described as a fog.

You can start laughing....now.

The stench of rotten eggs is, I think still in my hair, or I just might be paranoid. Our apartment stunk until I cooked enough pasta to feed an army. Now it stinks like pasta.

This reminded me of university when I managed to set eggs I was frying on fire with the flames going a foot above the pan.

Too close of a call. TWO close calls.

I can see it now...death by eggs.

Monotonous Droning

“Shelly forgot how utterly boring lectures were. How did she ever survive four years of monotonous droning?”

For the three hours that I sat in my Basic Photography class I was thinking about various Facebook statuses bemoaning the tedium that I sat through in my head. That’ll tell you how much fun it was and how much I learned.

Honestly, I don’t think the man planned for a lecture. I would’ve have learned more if I surfed the net for three hours than the three hours that I sat in that fluorescent room.

Funnily enough I didn’t feel as much guilt dinking around my mac as I would have if I was in undergrad. If you’re so boring as to not capture my attention then you don’t deserve my attention. It’s not MY fault that you like to listen to yourself talk.

Oh yeah, and this blog post? Written IN class.

Do I sound annoyed and slightly angry? That’s because I am. Because I spent good money and time for this class. I’m already anticipating the course evaluation......

5 Things That I'm Looking Forward To This Week

1. Sheridan Photography course
2. Dinking around in Photoshop
3. Starting a fresh journal
4. Designing a mail out for Grace Toronto
5. Steph's Oscar Shindig

A Picture Speaks A Thousand Words

Since that is it the case, I should have thousands upon thousands of words to fill up this little blog by now, but alas I only have two measly blog posts, this making it three for this year. It seems that all my creativity has been taken up with photography, sketching, painting, jewelry design, and design of all sorts in general.

I am at a loss for words, but I have never felt more alive than now when I'm letting all my God-given creativity flow out in the form of visual art. For once I feel like I'm living the abundant life.

This is all to say that I update my Flickr more than this so go there. :)

Did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?





















He stayed up all night wondering if dog existed.

The Ingeniously Stupid Things That I Do

Three people in one apartment with a small fridge means that there's usually a lack of fridge space. And I for one am a lazy cook so I like to make HUGE quantities of food and eat it for a week. The problem that arises of course is "Where do I store it?"

That's the one good thing about having severe weather warnings, my huge balcony automatically becomes a deep freezer.

In December I decided to make congee during one of my super lazy days and of course I made a lot. And of course there was no room left in the inn...I mean fridge. So being the ingenious person that I am, I put the whole pot of it outside...and promptly forgot about it. Until now.

Tonight when I went to retrieve it the whole load of it was frozen solid, but thankfully there was no mold or anything of the like. After I heated it on the stove to defrost it enough to flush it down the toilet I brought the pot to the bathroom and proceeded to empty the entire contents into the bowl. Little did I know that only the outer edges was defrosted, the core was still frozen. And what a large core.

There I was standing over the toilet bowl with a huge block of congee ice almost the same size, sitting in the bowl. What's a girl to do? Why, get a pair of chopsticks that shall never ever be used again and poke at it of course!

Well that didn't do any good as the core was solidly frozen, and a good pair of chopsticks was wasted. The cheap, chinese side of me cringed.

Finally after a few basin full of hot scalding water the huge ice congee chunk dissipated into the drain.

Moral of the story? Well, come up with your own

The Saga of My Tooth

Me: "I can't believe that you remembered me."
My Dentist: "You're my most expensive patient."
Me: "I've invested a lot of money into this tooth too. I could have a huge diamond engagement ring by now."

Later on...
Me: "I have nightmares about all my teeth falling out."
My Dentist: "Why don't you dream that this one does?"

Even later on...
My Dentist: "I should've taken the tooth out when I had the chance."
Me: "If you take it out now I'm going to gold plate it and put it on a necklace."
My Dentist: "I want half of it. You can have the part with two roots. I'll take the one with one root."

At the end...
My Dentist: "Wow I've known you for SIX years!"
Further exclamations about being old.
Me: "I'm sorry I make you feel old."

Photo Editing

While I'm all for photo editing (read: addicted) these days, it still doesn't beat a picture taken right the first time.

Tell me...why'd I have and go and be so complicated.

Being human takes a lot of work.

We are bundles of emotions, dreams, expectations, wants, needs, likes, dislikes, opinions, thoughts, beliefs, convictions, thoughts, loves, hates, annoyances, joys, frustrations, hopes, desires, passions, and...

all tangled up.

Meet J.D. (James Dean)

My Rebel XS with a cause, to capture the world and its beauty.

I scoured the Craig's list for a camera for around $500. I found some Rebel XTs and XTis for about $450, but I thought I'd give Best Buy a go.

The Rebel XS was on sale for $569 from $599. Not bad, but even better was the fact that there was an "open" box for sale at $539. Someone had bought it as a gift, but the receiver returned it. I snatched it up, but to my chagrin I found the same camera a day later for $549 BRAND NEW. So back to Best Buy I went to take advantage of their price matching deal and was all like look you either give me a brand new camera for the same price or give me credit on the opened one. They chose the latter and I got J.D. for $499 before tax. Huzzah!

The Camera Saga

July 3- Precious Canon SD1000 mugged

August- Replaced by the new and improved Canon SD1100

October 12th- Canon SD1100 dies a very early and very premature death because of accidental droppage on zoom lens. My heart breaks.

October 12th- Diana + is purchased to redeem day of shooting. Parts are discovered to be missing.

October 15th- Diana + is exchanged for a more complete camera.

October 19th- Diana loses her shutter release, and is taken back to store yet again. Cannot replace without receipt.

October 20th- Canon Rebel XS a.k.a. James Dean a.k.a. JD is found, but questions still linger as to whether there is a lower price elsewhere

October 23rd- Diana is returned.

October 24th- J.D. stays after price drops even more.

Lust never ends

First I got sick of my little silver Nikon, and was pining for the day when I would own a Canon SD1000.

The minute the Canon SD1000 was in my hand, I started dreaming of the day when I would have a DSLR.

Last week I took the plunge and got a $599 DSLR for $499 at Best Buy. It has been a week. I've used it twice, and I'm already dreaming of more lenses and dare I even say it.....The Canon 50D?

Lust never ends.

Expectations

Expectations can be stated, implied, unsaid.

Expectations can be imposed, perceived, received, and rejected.

By you and others.

Expectations can be black and white or...you know.

Expectations can be good, bad, and in between.

Expectations can be light as a feather or bone crushing.

Expectations can be warmly welcomed or deeply despised.

Expectations can be big, small, or somewhere in the middle or at least...feel like that anyways.

Expectations can be simple, but maybe it's because you just don't get it.

October 7th 2008 Highlights

Exuberant would be the word of choice to describe how I feel right now. And I have not been exuberant for a while. Every little birthday thing that people did for me whether it was a card, washing dishes, buying napkins, planning a swing dance, presents meant SO much to me.

Highlights From the Day
1. Birthday Swing Dance
This was the cherry that topped the sundae. Birthday girl (me) was in the middle of the dance floor and EVERYONE danced with me.

2. Providential Napkins and Flowers
I saw both napkins (Sleeping Beauty) and flowers (sunflowers) at Sobey's when I went to get plates. Was tempted to buy BOTH, but decided against it, but I REALLY WANTED THEM. Hours later Becky shows up with the Sleeping Beauty napkins because she couldn't find blue and green ones, and the boys show up with the sunflowers.

3. Urban Decay Graffiti Eyeshadow
I've wanted Urban Decay shadow for SO long and SO much, and my roommates got me it. WA-HOOOOO. Along with some funkdadelic electric blue eyeliner. HELLO!

4. Lydia sent me a TON of hilarious e-cards that gave me deep belly laughs.

5. Things in a Box:
Things You Would Not Write in Shelly's Birthday Card
- "The only Asian woman I like is my mother.~ 'Joe Choi" (Submitted by C. Kenyon)
Things Shelly Does Not Want People to Say to Her at Swing Dancing.
- "I know I'm unattractive, but I'm the only guy talking to you." (Submitted by K. Macher)

6. G-chat Convo pasted in a Card

7. People coming from Hamilton and Guelph!!!

So Many Issues, So Little Time

"I use to think that if I cared about something I have to care about everything."
~ Henry from Ever After

A cheesy line from a flighty prince in a girlie movie, but it fits me right now. Which battle do I pick?

22 Going on 13

I tried REALLY hard. Really I did; to NOT jump on the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus bandwagon. But I did. Yeah I did. "See You Again" has been played 13 times in the last hour. Once a teeny bopper. ALWAYS a teeny bopper.

The Traditional Birthday Wish List

Just because it's fun to list all the stuff one wants. Almost as good as getting them.

Pies in the Sky
1. Canon DSLR
2. Adobe Design Suite Premium
3. ipod Touch

Can't Get Enough of These
1. H&M Scarves
2. Starbucks
3. Sephora

Definitely Wants
1. Holga Camera
2. Lomo Camera
3. Lomo Fisheye
* And some film to go along with.

Hard to Shop For
1. Purses
2. Tights
3. Swing Dancing Shoes

Some Tunes
1. Mika
2. Jack Johnson
3. Justin Timberlake

15 Minutes of Fame

The proverbial cherry that topped off my weekend was participating in Improv Everywhere's MP3 Experiment Toronto edition.

Here's me getting my 15 minutes worth of fame by making my war face right before the epic battle. And here's me off on the side with the brown bag in the red shirt.

Me VS. Heels

Me [0]
Heels [3]

My short one week stint in Paris learned me good. I must wear heels. Just a personal conviction.

They just make everything look better. But in the three times that I have worn them, they have pwned me good, leaving me bloodied and battered and all too willing a masochist for the pains of fashion.

One day I will prevail.

One perk of being a working girl that I thoroughly enjoy is being able to read for fun. No more scanning the words repeatedly hoping to God that somehow the information will stick, and not blow away at the next line like leaves on a fall day.

This weekend I finished two books and dug in on my third. I am ravenous for fiction.

A Slow Death

By the end of July I was convinced that this blog had lived long enough, and that my blogging career was over. But here I am, punching away at my keyboard saying that I was going to quit.

The Bronchial Ab Workout

The first step is the tricky part.

FIRST, contract bronchitis. Whether it be viral or bacterial is of no significance. You can loiter in hospital corridors hopefully or sleep with the windows open with an industrial size fan blasting your face or anything else that you can concoct. Whatever. You just need to get bronchitis.

SECOND, wait for the innocent tickle in your sternum that is a precursor to the loud hacking, dry gagging, body rocking, convulsive bouts of coughing coming your way.

THIRD, do not take any cough syrup or antibiotics to maximize workout duration.

When you dread the next bout of coughing because of the accompanying pain that ripples through your abdomen you have successfully completed the bronchial ab workout.

*Side effects may include limited speech abilities, weird looks from strangers in public, ostracism in Toronto because people think you have SARS.

Resolution

They got them.

I'm going down on Monday to the Police Department.

And THEN the Car Stopped Working...

and stopped dead on, in the middle of the exit ramp of the underground parking garage. Go figure. The rear wheel had been squealing the whole time in the garage, but hey it worked...until we hit the incline.

LUCKILY! I, in my profound wisdom and foresight bought a premium CAA membership back in December in preparation for such damsel in distress moments as these, so patting myself on the back I quickly called CAA- only to find out that they could not and would not tow a car whose license plates have expired, which presented quite the conundrum because guess where I was going?

To Canadian Tire.
To have my car checked and re-certified so that my plates would be a-ok again.

At this point, panic was starting to rise a little bit, but BEHOLD! there is another company who would be very willing to tow me for a small fee, which just happened to be slightly over my debit card's limit. DOH! And seeing how I was just mugged oh...16 hours ago, that was not enough time for my brand new spanking credit card to arrive in the mail.

Cue emotional and nervous breakdown. Joking. Sort of.

Me + Car Trouble = Agony

I needed help. Badly.

I mentally scrolled through my list of trusty Torontonian friends only to realize that those who can actually help in a practical manner are all out of town...except for a saint named J who called around to look for other towing companies with no success who then called upon another saint, Ethan.

While all this was happening an angel in the form of a helpful man drove through the garage and actually stopped to help. GASP. Whereas four or five cars before just drove on past. A modern day Samaritan that man was.

He not only got my car out of the precarious position it was in, but got the rear wheel to start working again. The axle apparently was stuck.

Providentially a parking spot opened up nearby and I was able to park permanently and most importantly SAFELY, laying to rest my imminent plans to stake out my car tonight.

Ethan helped me figure out a plan of action for tomorrow, and I returned to my apartment relieved.

Mugged

Speaking of firsts...

Tonight Lydia and I were walking home from the subway station from the Brooke Fraser concert, and we got mugged.

I am still in shock.

I lost my purse, my wallet, my keys, my makeup, a friend's book aptly entitled Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God, my camera with 2 months worth of pictures from Tanzania, and my ipod.

The thing that I am MOST upset about losing is my two months worth of pictures and the picture of my DG that we took as a family at Sears three years ago that I had in my wallet. Those can never be recovered.

Nothing happened to us physically for which I am really thankful to God for.

Creepy Man (Canadian Edition)

This year is definitely a year of firsts.

My FIRST proposal happened this year. That would be Creepy Man (Tanzanian Edition). More to come in the next post. But for this post something a little closer to home.

On Tuesday I was sitting at Yorkdale Mall on hold with Fido renewing my service agreement. It was a long hold. There I was sitting, daydreaming, when an old, old, OLD man of about 50-60 with a FULL head of gray and white hair comes up to me.

"Excuse me," he says. "Might I just say how lucky your husband is to have such a gorgeous woman as you as his wife."

I smile awkwardly.

"I'm not married," I respond. First mistake.

"Your boyfriend then."

"I don't have a boyfriend." Second mistake.

"Then if you don't mind me asking how might a man like me get a date with a beautiful woman like you? I treat women very well."

No. way. I just got asked out for the first time in 6 years by a CREEPY OLD MAN with A PICK UP LINE. By this point I was in complete shock and disbelief that this guy had the audacity to approach someone 40 years his junior. It was hard to choke back a full fledged laugh as I told him I wasn't interested or looking.

Then I bolted for the subway. Immediately.

Home Sweet Home

East, west, home is best.

I was dreading going back to Toronto at the beginning of project because I feared the loneliness that awaited, but it has never been so good to be HOME. Coming back to MY apartment was pure relief. It really is home, and I feel very blessed to be living in such a sweet pad. Travelling around has really made me count my blessings.

I was ready to be back a few weeks ago even though Paris and London were fantastic experiences. Now I know that my travel max is two months. Glad I figured this out before I bought a Round the World ticket (they exist) for a year. I might still do that, but not for a year.

5 Good Things (Paris Edition)

1. The pastries.
Oh mhhmm...the pastries. I'm salivating as I type this. Words cannot express how delicious they were.

2. The monuments. Eiffel Tower, Versailles, Notre Dame, Louvre....
Sigh.

3. Walking along the Seine.
It's just so beautiful, romantic, and...funny.
I went to Pont St. Louis, apparently the most romantic place to watch a sunset...to watch a sunset and there was this man there with the weirdest contraption protesting something or another, but he was serenading the passerbys with "Fly Me to the Moon." The juxtaposition was too funny. I couldn't help but smirk and chuckle.

4. The streets.
I love the windy, narrow streets with quirky, unique shops in the them. The architecture is so quaint.

5. The fashion.
Everyone is dressed to the nines. Coming back from project, that made me feel uber grunge. And the guys know how to dress well too!

Paris

In Shakespeare and Co. a famous bookshop located on the Seine across from Notre Dame, there are nooks and crannies where visitors from all over the world leave their marks. A few words here and a few words there. So I thought, 'Why the heck not?'

On a ripped piece of paper I wrote, for the lack of a better imagination:
It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Dreams come true in Paris.

Not that I've had a GREAT romance the pass few days in Paris, but I think it sums up all that Paris means to me, the embodiment of childhood dreams. As a child I dreamed of Paris. Of its famous monuments, of its paintings, of its streets, of its history and I thought to myself one day I will go to Paris.

And now I am in Paris, and I love it. Every minute of it.

Tanzania

Well here I am safe and sound in Tanzania. It feels so good to be back on an international project. Fish back in water. But it's definitely different being staff on a project though.

Campus cycle starts this week. I'm leading a team with Jamie Strickland, Tim Lee, Vanessa Fabish, Zoe Klintberg. Love the staff and love the team. Everything is going swimmingly.

Health is a bit wonky. Perpetually fatigued all the time. Hopefully this will pass.

Curbside Centerpieces

Wedding Guest: "So where did you get your centerpieces?"

Irene: "From the curb."

And that my friends is how conversations will go at Irene's wedding.

We were thinking of having branches as centerpieces, but the problem was where to get them. As we were discussing this during lunch, Terra, Irene, and I, Terra remembered seeing newly pruned branches on the curb...somewhere during her drive earlier in the day. So off we went after sushi to find centerpieces on the curbside.

Sure enough there they were on the curb calling to us: "Pick us up!" Use us!" So we opened Terra's hatchback and shoved it all in and took them home.

April Shmapril

I will never again underestimate April.
It's pwning me like no tomorrow.
Who knew? Who knew?

The City Comes Alive

Living in the city during the winter is dark, dreary, and depressing. It's also claustrophobic. But now that spring/summer is here, it's as if the city woke up. Suddenly everything's bright and cheery. There's so much to do. I've already started making a list.

Things I want to do in the summer.
1. Take a swing dance workshop (not exclusively a summer thing, but still...)
2. Explore and window shop in:
a) Upper Village (Eglington W. area)
b) Yonge and Eglinton
c) Fashion District
d) Roncevalles
3. Blade along Harbourfront (no blades though...)
4. QT at Harbourfront
5. Eat out at a restaurant with a patio at Harbourfront
6. Go shooting (with a camera not a shotgun) around the brickworks.
7. Sit in Dundas Square and people watch.
8. Go to a Jazz Festival
9. Play beach volleyball at Ashbridges Bay
10. Last but definitely NOT least: Shakespeare in High Park (although I hope seeing a Shakespearean play at the Globe in London won't ruin me for this.)

Can I just say how good life is? It's as if Someone gave me a goblet of golden nectar to drink, and I'm savouring every little drop. What a blessing it is to be exactly where I am right now and I thank Jesus for every day that I get to live.

Pick Up on Day of Prayer

While on a prayer walk today with my roommate in Streetsville (a dinky town in Mississauga), the following happened.

Walking, walking, walking...

Me: Father I thank you for this beautiful day.
We stop at streetcorner.

Random Voice From Behind: Yeah it is.
We turn around. There's this random sketchy looking man leaning against the wall staring at us.

Sketchy Man: But not as beautiful as you.

AWKWARD. Seriously I have enough awkward stories to film two high school chick flicks. I deserve an award or something.

A Salad of Thoughts

1. I use to think that my cooking skills were decent. Now I know better. It's not that they're decent, it's just that my palette got worse. I had the best chinese food these days. It's ruined me for the ordinary (my cooking).
2. All the chinese food and all the ads for the Beijing Olympics make me want to move back to China long-term. Not the best reasons to move. I know.
3. I need to work on my chinese.
4. While watching an ad on TV...
"She's so pretty. I want to be like her. I want to be chinese. Wait, I am."
What the heck? Oooh the power of advertisement.

Culture Shock In My Own Hood

Mom's in town, and that means requisite visits to all extended family members in the area. I love the wining and dining part that comes along with these visits because food that tastes this good and in this much quantity only comes my way every so often. I love being able to converse (loudly) in my mother tongue again. I love hearing old family stories. I love being spoiled rotten and being doted on in a way that only an only child from a chinese family can be.

But this time around there was a bit of culture shock. While there has always been things about the chinese culture that irk me like horking, this time I haven't been able to "slip back in" to the culture as smoothly as before. I feel disoriented like a fish out of water. I can't put my finger on it, but it disturbs me because in the past four years it wasn't that hard to go back and forth between Guelph and the yellow side of the family. And going from burgers and dogs to chicken feet is a pretty big jump.

When I knew that I was moving back to Toronto, I made a conscious decision not to get sucked into an Asian bubble again, but now I wonder if I had gone too far and have actually moved away from my roots....

Savouring Solitude

It's 1:30 at night. The only one up in this apartment is me. The silence and the stillness of night weighs on me, pressing against my skin. The noise and the rush of day has melted away. All the ten million things that clutter my brain have been swept away. I'm sitting on the hardwood floor savouring the stillness, and the silence that comes with night. Solitude tastes so good.

Brush with Black Ice

I was on my way to Harvest Oakville for church this morning with a friend, Emily Terreberry when I had my first brush with black ice and hopefully the last. We were on the QEW going west when all of a sudden Sunday morning traffic turned into Friday afternoon rush hour. It made sense on our side because there was an accident ahead of us, but the lanes going east were also as slow as a snail. This puzzled my mind until we hit our very own patch of black ice and skidded. We ended up at a 70 degree angle to the barricade. Yikes. Providentially we were in the exit lane so we were already slowing down and didn't skid into the middle lane; the car behind us also skidded so he didn't ram into us; the middle lane was empty for a bit so no threat came from the left . Whew. Praise God for safety.

It seems like this winter is the winter for car issues, but I rejoice when I reflect on how much God has grown me over the past few years. If these things happened a few years ago I would really be flipping out, but now I plod on with the knowledge that He will get me through this.

Happy Heart Day

There was going to be an ingenious albeit cheesy card floating around this year with the above tagline, but due to technical difficulties there will be no cards bearing Lydia's and my own brilliance.

That said, Happy Heart Day!*

Funny enough I kept thinking that today was Chinese New Year's. I think it's the hot pot that I will eating in an hour.

.

O-R-G-A-N-I-Z-A-T-I-O-N

Shelly will learn to organize her time better. Shelly MUST learn to organize her time better.

In Love

A couple of friends and I rolled into Montreal late LATE last night around one in the morning. After getting a few glimpses of the city during the wild drive downtown, I fell in love immediately. Today my friend, Lydia is going to take me on a grand tour. I am so excited.

The Calm After a Storm

I don't like trials. I don't like discomfort. I don't like feeling crappy. I doubt anyone does. Three posts ago I was praying that things would continue to keep going up instead of going down or even just staying at the status quo.

Yet sitting here in the calm of the previous storm I would not trade the howling winds for anything else because Jesus showed up in the midst of it. How can I explain the love, the peace, and the gentleness that I felt as He calmed the raging worries, doubts, insecurities, accusations, and fears inside my weary heart? I tear up when I remember it. The Lord, He is good. I have tasted and I have seen.

The things that brought me closer to God were the storms in my life. Next time I will not hold such disdain for them.

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Inclement Weather

Tonight was suppose to be the first pool practice with this dragon boat club that I sort of joined, but due to inclement weather practice was canceled. I had been looking forward to it all week. Boo.

Jesus Christ and Him Crucified

The most wonderful lesson that God has been teaching me this past month through all the ups and downs of transitioning into a new season of life is this:

Jesus Christ and Him crucified. The gospel, simple, but not plain.

It has been pounded into me minute by minute, day by day. It is my lifeline in more ways than one. Jesus Christ and Him crucified. It's not just something that I preach to others, but something that I have to preach to myself everyday. The majesty of it is that the wonder of the gospel never ceases or diminishes but keeps on growing. How can I explain how much more precious it has become to me recently?

Storms may come, but on Christ the Solid Rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand.

Treading Water

I have never been stretched so hard since my first mission trip four years ago. Everyday my faith in Christ is put on the line. I almost feel like I'm facing the firing squad on daily basis. On one hand it's very uncomfortable. On the other hand I have never been so so dependent on Jesus.

I thought that I would be swimming smoothly right off the bat so it was a shock to find that I could barely keep my head out of the water. There were times when I found that I could keep my head out of the water, but then a wave would come and I would be struggling again.

It's tempting to want to cop out and go do something else, anything else, but this is my calling. The only way is forward until His calling on my life changes, if it changes. So to Him I cling.

The Upswing of Things

Things have been rough on the inside this past month. There was and still is much to ponder and chew on as I continue to make the transition from student to a "grown-up". I think one of the issues amongst many was and is that on the outside I'm "here". I'm "grown-up" now. I have a job. I have my own apartment.

Letting that sink in.

I take care of me. But on the inside I still feel very much like a kid. I still haven't figured out life yet at 22. Devastating, I know. This is all to say this is why I have neglected this poor corner of the web. Too much going on inside to post it on the outside.

Things are on the upswing and God-willing they will keep going up.

Five Good Things

1. Anesthesia for dental surgeries.
2. Scrabble
3. Fresh flowers. The scent FILLS my room.
4. Tylenol 2
5. Mix CDs

Tired

Being on staff has been more exhausting than I had ever imagined. Actually I didn't think it would be this tiring. For the most part I've been brain dead by the time I've gotten home from campus. Thus no recent blogging. There's been SO much that's been going on though, and I really want to blog about it. But I don't think I can do it justice in my recent state of mind. I'm slowly getting use to the pace so hopefully by next week I'll be able to blog about something more substantial than being tired.

First Day

Good.

That's how I would describe my first day. A solid, deep 'good'. Not just a chipper, light 'good'. But good.

God is good. Very good.

More tomorrow. I am tired.

BIG Day

Tomorrow is my first day on campus!!!

Finally after all this time! I have no idea what to expect. It's almost as if I'm blindfolded and just walking into the midst of it all, taking it as it comes. I'm a bit nervous, a bit apprehensive, a bit excited, and a bit curious.

HERE WE GO!

Public Service Announcement

My photo blog on aminus3 has been revived. I needed a simple creative outlet and an incentive to keep at photography. The link is to the right.

4 Hours + 3 Fingers

4 hours + 3 fingers =
Jesus All For Jesus,
Leaving on a Jet Plane,
Brown Eyed Girl,
and any other song that only uses a combo of the guitar chords G, D, C, A.

Not that you'd really know which song I'm playing though. That's just how good I am. So good that you can't tell the difference.

Right now switching chords requires full mental concentration. I don't know if it can actually be called "switching". Maybe if you're switching tires because that's how long it takes for me to switch to another chord. Strumming is...well let's just say that I didn't think there was much talent involved with strumming, but apparently there is, and I don't have it...yet.

One day...I WILL wail on a guitar. And I don't mean the guitar from guitar hero.