"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."
~Blaise Pascal

As my friends console, advise, and shake their wise heads, I can only say,

"If my heart listened to my head, I wouldn't be in this."

I wish my heart listened to, and followed wisdom too.  It's like trying to tame a wild horse.

Love Me Anyways

Sometimes it's like, "I'm so messed up. I need to go see a therapist. Wait, I am seeing a therapist."

Today and yesterday were those kind of days. I shouldn't be surprised by the crap that gets squeezed out of me anymore.

I've been extremely hesitant to put anything on this blog regarding my journey through burnout the past year because of a fear of misunderstanding. I was afraid that people would misunderstand God, and lose faith in Him because of what I was, and am going through.

I was afraid that people would misunderstand me, because let's face it blogs are one dimensional no matter how good of a wordsmith you are, and no matter what, people always judge.

Plus burnout is something that cannot be encapsulated through a one dimensional medium. I don't know even if multiple mediums would convey what it's like. It's something that you wouldn't fully understand unless you've walked through the darkness of the valley. And since I was never that good with words to begin with, I was hesitant.

As for people judging, if I was a blog stalker who came to this site from my Facebook profile because I am a "friend", or from another blog, the first sentence would make me think that the blogger is psychotic. Let's not lie to ourselves. We judge period.

So that's why I was silent, but I will be no more. I'm breaking the silence because leaving this kind of stuff in the dark is worse. It makes it scarier than it seems. I'll risk the misunderstanding.

Life is hard and crap like burnout and depression happen. We live in a craptacular world. But the good thing is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel though you might not see it for a loooooooooong time. And that's the honest truth.

So love me anyways.

The Ingeniously Stupid Things That I Do

Three people in one apartment with a small fridge means that there's usually a lack of fridge space. And I for one am a lazy cook so I like to make HUGE quantities of food and eat it for a week. The problem that arises of course is "Where do I store it?"

That's the one good thing about having severe weather warnings, my huge balcony automatically becomes a deep freezer.

In December I decided to make congee during one of my super lazy days and of course I made a lot. And of course there was no room left in the inn...I mean fridge. So being the ingenious person that I am, I put the whole pot of it outside...and promptly forgot about it. Until now.

Tonight when I went to retrieve it the whole load of it was frozen solid, but thankfully there was no mold or anything of the like. After I heated it on the stove to defrost it enough to flush it down the toilet I brought the pot to the bathroom and proceeded to empty the entire contents into the bowl. Little did I know that only the outer edges was defrosted, the core was still frozen. And what a large core.

There I was standing over the toilet bowl with a huge block of congee ice almost the same size, sitting in the bowl. What's a girl to do? Why, get a pair of chopsticks that shall never ever be used again and poke at it of course!

Well that didn't do any good as the core was solidly frozen, and a good pair of chopsticks was wasted. The cheap, chinese side of me cringed.

Finally after a few basin full of hot scalding water the huge ice congee chunk dissipated into the drain.

Moral of the story? Well, come up with your own

Lust never ends

First I got sick of my little silver Nikon, and was pining for the day when I would own a Canon SD1000.

The minute the Canon SD1000 was in my hand, I started dreaming of the day when I would have a DSLR.

Last week I took the plunge and got a $599 DSLR for $499 at Best Buy. It has been a week. I've used it twice, and I'm already dreaming of more lenses and dare I even say it.....The Canon 50D?

Lust never ends.

Expectations

Expectations can be stated, implied, unsaid.

Expectations can be imposed, perceived, received, and rejected.

By you and others.

Expectations can be black and white or...you know.

Expectations can be good, bad, and in between.

Expectations can be light as a feather or bone crushing.

Expectations can be warmly welcomed or deeply despised.

Expectations can be big, small, or somewhere in the middle or at least...feel like that anyways.

Expectations can be simple, but maybe it's because you just don't get it.

Brush with Black Ice

I was on my way to Harvest Oakville for church this morning with a friend, Emily Terreberry when I had my first brush with black ice and hopefully the last. We were on the QEW going west when all of a sudden Sunday morning traffic turned into Friday afternoon rush hour. It made sense on our side because there was an accident ahead of us, but the lanes going east were also as slow as a snail. This puzzled my mind until we hit our very own patch of black ice and skidded. We ended up at a 70 degree angle to the barricade. Yikes. Providentially we were in the exit lane so we were already slowing down and didn't skid into the middle lane; the car behind us also skidded so he didn't ram into us; the middle lane was empty for a bit so no threat came from the left . Whew. Praise God for safety.

It seems like this winter is the winter for car issues, but I rejoice when I reflect on how much God has grown me over the past few years. If these things happened a few years ago I would really be flipping out, but now I plod on with the knowledge that He will get me through this.

The Calm After a Storm

I don't like trials. I don't like discomfort. I don't like feeling crappy. I doubt anyone does. Three posts ago I was praying that things would continue to keep going up instead of going down or even just staying at the status quo.

Yet sitting here in the calm of the previous storm I would not trade the howling winds for anything else because Jesus showed up in the midst of it. How can I explain the love, the peace, and the gentleness that I felt as He calmed the raging worries, doubts, insecurities, accusations, and fears inside my weary heart? I tear up when I remember it. The Lord, He is good. I have tasted and I have seen.

The things that brought me closer to God were the storms in my life. Next time I will not hold such disdain for them.

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Jesus Christ and Him Crucified

The most wonderful lesson that God has been teaching me this past month through all the ups and downs of transitioning into a new season of life is this:

Jesus Christ and Him crucified. The gospel, simple, but not plain.

It has been pounded into me minute by minute, day by day. It is my lifeline in more ways than one. Jesus Christ and Him crucified. It's not just something that I preach to others, but something that I have to preach to myself everyday. The majesty of it is that the wonder of the gospel never ceases or diminishes but keeps on growing. How can I explain how much more precious it has become to me recently?

Storms may come, but on Christ the Solid Rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand.

Fighting God

The thought of not reporting until next semester throws me into a mental hissy fit as I try to fight against God to prevent it from happening.

You'd think I'd learn by now not to fight Him on things which are utterly out of my control, meaning most things in life. Like marriage and ministry partner development. Just as I can't possibly orchestrate the circumstances to marry myself off and to the right guy at that, I can't possibly bring in the support myself. I can't move hearts. He can. He's going to bring the funds in, in His time whether I whine, complain, cry, or just go along with it and persevere with joy.

We can do this the hard way or the easy way. The road's got to be traveled, but it's up to me how enjoyable the journey's going to be.

I concede. Ministry partner development is hard.

However long You want Lord. I'll stick it out.

Hope Deferred, Hope Restored

Steadily they passed; deadlines that I had set for myself to be on campus.

August 17th, September 1st, September 24th, September 29th, October 1st.

Meanwhile I sat frustrated not knowing what to pray anymore, or expect anymore. This certainly was not what I had expected back in May. I had expected to be on campus by now. Hope, that I would soon report started to leak out of me as contacts dwindled taking with it, momentum to continue raising support. It's as they say:Hope deferred makes the heart sick Psalm 13:12.

This morning I sat immobilized in front of my laptop unwilling to do anything to raise support because I was sure of the answer that I would get; NO. What was the point? I sat there, willing myself to do something, anything, but I couldn't. So I went and sat at the Lord's feet, and this verse came to mind.

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.
PSALM 121:1-2

My help comes from the Lord. He is my hope. Not people and not their responses. My hope lies in Christ. When hope is placed on people or anything else other than Christ, it's bound to be dashed, but when it is placed on God, He will never fail.

The Value of Beauty

"Your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity ... in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!" the banker wrote.

"So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset," he said. "Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!"

"It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease," he said.

Thus saith the banker to a young woman of 25 who was banking on her beauty (pun intended) to nag herself a rich husband with a salary worth more than 500,000 on Craigslist. You can read the rest of the story here from Reuters' "Oddly Enough."

Humorous as it is, the banker is expounding on Biblical truth.
"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting" Proverbs 31:30 (NIV)

So let's talk about investing. How much more time do we as women or I myself put into my outer beauty than my inner? Yet which one will be the better investment in the long run? Not to say that personal hygiene should be neglected, but think of all the extra time, energy, and money we spend on our looks. In 10 years at the very least, I can be sure that my looks won't be worth all that much. That's a fact. I won't have a personal entourage of make up artists and photoshoppers to make me look 22 when I'm 30 something. I wish. Outer beauty is a depreciative asset and is guaranteed to erode away, but inner beauty is imperishable. "Do not let your adorning be external- the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." 1 Peter 3:3-4

I for one don't want to be left with an empty basket when the 30s hits.
It's time to change stocks.

Stress Response

Lydia Elder was in town this week for a conference so tonight I had a chance to get together with her to go over my Birkmann. It was a really enlightening experience and it definitely helped me understand my behavioral patterns lately. In a nutshell most of my behaviors right now are all stress behaviors.

Some of the patterns I already knew were stress responses, but others I didn't. Yet I still continue to operate in stress mode. What I really need right now is, at the very least, one solid day away in a lonely place to just sit, read, draw, listen to music, stare off into space, or whatever. What's happening is a few days of driving around to support appointments and then Summit. Hello stress.

Next week I will go hide out at Rockwood or some other conservation area for a day.

On a similar note in good fun, we confirmed the fact that I absolutely cannot marry a pansy with me having an authority score of 91. This is the chick who is most likely to be the dictator of a small island. I will run over the guy...twice and then once more just for good measure. But I already knew that.

Please note: I know that submission is a choice, etc...but let's not get into that. It's not one of those posts.

Rarities of All Rarities

Single men who actually want to learn how to dance,
who aren't sketchy or creepy,
who are friends,
who won't get the wrong idea about being your dance partner are hard to find.

They're rare, but they exist!

My roommates and I saw an advertisement for free salsa lessons at the local pub. We wanted to go, but we had no partners and who knows what kind of random guys would be there. Luckily for us a few of my guy friends actually WANTED to learn to salsa. I didn't even have to cajole, cast vision, list pros, or doing anything else to persuade them. It pretty much made my day.

We were talking about guys leading in any kind of social dancing and one of my friends said something to the effect of, "Even if I suck you still have to let me lead." That really struck me as a good example of the complementary roles of Biblical manhood and womanhood. When dancing the guy has to lead and the girl has to follow in order for the pair to dance well, period. The pair won't move in unity if either steps out of the bounds of his or her role.

I had more to say, but I'll save it for another day. I left this post sit on the backburner for a long time as it were.

In Hindsight Jesus' Always Right

I don't know when exactly, but I do remember in the folly of my youth I ranted online to the entire world wondering why I couldn't have met someone in university, got married, and then joined staff. Might I emphasize the fact that this happened during the FOLLY OF MY YOUTH. Henceforth known as "FOMY".

In hindsight Jesus is Sovereign, and I praise Him that He is. MPD is enough work as it is. I can't imagine adding the stress of graduation, transitioning to another stage in life, beginning a marriage in addition to MPD. That would have been madness. I think I would've died or killed my new hubby. Praise God that He knew and knows best. Props to my friends who have done it, and thank God they're still alive. I'm completely content as a cheshire cat to do MPD alone. Less stress and more air time. Can you imagine doing the VACA on half the time? I speed talk as it is.

It's a similar story with STINT. For three years I had planned on going overseas right after graduation. Praise God that He is sovereign and that He thwarted my plans. As much as I love Asia, graduating, raising support, and moving to a different continent all in four months would've been too much for me. Granted yes, I could've done it on the Lord's strength, but I'm so glad He didn't ask it of me.

I like my new apartment. I like my new roommates. I like my new staff team. I like Toronto. I love Jesus.

So what about my current situation? Well, I would love to be on campus right now, but the Lord is Sovereign. Something good will come of this, like an increase in my Japanese vocabulary and hearing comprehension due to an increased consumption of J-drama, anime, and J-pop. That'll definitely come in handy if and when the Japanese partnership goes through. Yippee! Please Lord, let that be soon.

Side Note: The traditional Chinese in me is so going to go on a guilt trip if and when my Japanese literacy exceeds my Chinese literacy even though my Chinese literacy will increase as a by product of learning Japanese. But there is just so much more incentive so study Japanese.

Discipline VS Pruning

Yesterday my Aunt Mel and I hiked up to the Romero Pools in Catalina State Park. It was an AMAZING hike. We were in the desert, but there were all these cool vegetation around. As we hiked I got to pick my aunt's brain about marriage, children, and family. It was really cool to hear her stories and her perspective on stuff. Sort of like an informal discipleship time.

When we got to the pools she read to me from the book The Secrets of the Vine by Bruce Wilkinson. It just so happened that the chapter was on pruning. The main wisdom that I gleaned from the chapter was that there's a significant difference between discipline and pruning even though both are uncomfortable. The Lord uses discipline to bring us out of sin while He prunes to make us bring forth more fruit. There was a whole chart on it.

It struck a chord with me because this whole time I've been viewing Ministry Partner Development (MPD) as sort of a disciplining process. Coming at it from that perspective, I was trying to think of all the sin that I could possibly commit so as to avoid them so that I could finish MPD faster. But now I realize that it is more of a pruning process that God uses so that I would be more fruitful in the future. This makes me so much more willing to endure the discomfort and so much more willing to go through a longer process. I thank Him for this lesson learned the easier way.

you know how...

you never really appreciate something or someone until it's gone or at least threatened?

well i never really truly realized how much i prized my singleness and the freedom to choose until sunday.

mum calls me up for our weekly phone date, and i'm really distracted because i have a hard assignment due in about 5 hours. so i'm uh-huhing and mhmmming and straight out telling her that i needed to go. meanwhile on the other end she's telling me about vacation plans. how it'd be nice to fly out to washington state the same day that i get into new york from toronto to visit her old friend. it'd be a nice vacation she says. in my distracted state, vague visions of oceans, mountains, and trees popped so i agreed. never really been on a family summer vacation. then came the clincher.

auntie so and so wants you to meet this boy.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!

he's just like you. came from China when he was 5 or 6. can't read chinese. he's very tall.

i mean i know we've joked about setting me up and everything, but this time she's actually half serious. apparently she really does mean it when she says that she's been telling my aunties to keep an eye out. i find this half-amusing and half-disturbing. I DON'T WANT TO BE SET UP. by anyone other than God that is. it's just....ugh. and i'm only 20 for pete's sake! it'd be normal for an asian mom if my biological clock was running out, but that's not for another 15 years! and even then i don't think i would submit to it. ugh. somewhat funny and somewhat disturbing.

haves and have nots

our enjoyment of life should not be defined by what we don't have, but what we do have.

however often times i find myself thinking "if only i had ____________" then i would finally be content, and once i have it, whatever "it" is, i would move on to the next thing. case in point, i finally got an ipod this Christmas, but it's not the new ipod with colour, video, and it's not black. i know, spoiled. i'm trying to curb it. (the nth pet peeve: i'm not high-maintenance!)

as mum always told me "there's a lot of stuff in the world that you can't have. you can never have it all. there will always be something else." the gist? be happy with what you've got. so hey at least i have an ipod! while she meant it in terms of material things i think this applies to other things too. for example "if only i had [less stress, less problems, more time, those friends, a boyfriend, that professor, that person's talents/skills/knowledge/wisdom, so and so's circumstances, his/her personality, and so on and so forth....] then i would finally be content." mum had another tidbit of wisdom regarding this, "there will always be someone smarter, better, prettier, ____er than you, and there will always be someone dumber, less talented, not as attractive, ____er than you. don't compare, you'll die trying." how true.

i call this "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. letting this "i don't have this", negative mentality define my enjoyment of life breeds discontentment and doesn't result in my enjoying life at all. focusing on the "have nots" just nags at my soul, and blinds me to the beautiful, simple things of life and the blessings that i do have. of course this isn't anything new. God knew this, and He warned us about it many a times in the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (BIBLE). this is where the "thou shalt not covet thy neighbors' _____" comes in. it's not just some random instruction given off the top of His head, but because it is relevant to our hearts. instead we are called to count our blessings, give thanks always, and to rejoice continuously, to focus on what we do have.

so what do i have? a great family, awesome friends (some of whom comprise a killer SWAT team, you know who you are, and much thanks!), a roof over my head, decent food in my stomach (well the few dishes that i don't butcher..har har), a university education, health, yes even an ipod, and on and on...

and i am reminded that as a Christian even if i don't have any of the above, i still have a lot! actually "a lot" would be the understatement of all of history. as a Christian i have eternal life. (let's see mastercard try to pay for this.) i have absolute freedom. i have grace, truth, mercy, and unconditional love from God. i am a daughter of the King. translation? i'm a princess, royalty. i am co- heir with Christ. what's Christ going to inherit? everything.

the "have nots" of life are endless, but the "haves" of life as a Christian are infinite too so intead of letting a "have not" mentality define my enjoyment of life, i find that letting a "have" mentality works much muuuuch better.