Remind and Refocus

Today as we were waiting for Easter lunch to cook, a friend and I watched the last bit of the Ten Commandments.  As we were getting near the part where the Israelites freak out after Moses goes M.I.A. for 40 days, I started to get agitated because I knew what was coming.  They were going to give into their fears, and make an idol, even after all that God has done for them.  I was seriously annoyed.

It was such an automatic, visceral reaction to a movie that I started to analyze my response.  It wasn't just the fact that they were going to do something stupid that I reacted so strongly in my heart, it was the fact that the vivid onscreen portrayal of the Israelites' faithlessness and stupidity accurately mirrored my own.  I saw myself doing the exact same thing, forgetting God and turning to idols the minute I get freaked out.

I'd like to think that I always walk by faith, but upon reflection my default setting is to trust myself and not to trust God.  When I enter a "foreign land" whether it's a new situation, a new stage in life, a new responsibility, my automatic instinct is look to myself for help, and not to Christ.  It doesn't bode well especially if I have no clue about what I'm doing.

You'd think I'd learn by now that being self-sufficient isn't the best way to go about life since there are so many things in life where I'm way out of my comfort zone...but no, I still need to constantly remind myself and refocus on Christ.

Childish Ways

Hear that sound?

That's the sound of paradigms shifting in my head and heart.

It's the sound of beliefs, of knowledge, of understandings, of myself, of others, and of the world being
challenged
reworked
weighed
turned
deepened.

It's been a full week, and by full, I don't mean busy, although it was that.
By full I mean-
I can't even describe it, but I don't mean busy.

It's been the most interesting of weeks where every night without fail I've had some sort of conversation that's changed me, and I think, matured me.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.  1 Corinthians 13: 11

I've come away from this week with the realization that I have been quite...childish, in speech, in thought, in reason, and as a result in behaviour, and it has been enlightening.

A New Perspective

S.B. blew my mind today when we met up for coffee or in my case hot chocolate.

I was sharing with her how my biggest fear about moving overseas was that I'd spiral into depression, crash, and then burn out. I told her that it'd be one thing to be lonely and homesick, but it'd be another to lose my marbles.

But she pointed out that my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance.
That it's not mental or spiritual issues that I need to work through. It's just chemicals.
That as long as I had my meds I'd be ok.
That perhaps this was God's way of saying "I have your worst fears covered way ahead of time"?
That perhaps this was a blessing instead of a hindrance.
That perhaps this was God giving the all-clear.

Boredom

Ok so I've noticed that boredom has started to become a recurring theme in my life. Not so much "I'm bored. Whaddya wanna do," type of bored, but bored as in "I'm bored with life," type of bored.

It's somewhat unsettling because I have yet to figure out where the heck this is coming from, and ever since burning out I usually have a good handle on my emotional pulse.

Part of me wonders if I'm such a glutton for punishment that I actually get bored when there's a reprieve from the storms of life. Or maybe to put a positive spin on it, it's because I thrive on changes and challenges, and there hasn't been much of that this year.

And I think one of the reasons why I'm so emotionally drained is because I'm...bored. That, and I'm still working on figuring out what it practically means to have Jesus as my joy in everything. Read "in being single."

I hate to say this, but I find singleness chafing and wait for it, hard.
Surprise!
This has probably been blatantly obvious to everyone around me, but it was only recently today that I could actually admit to myself that I found it hard because I didn't want to admit it.
Because to admit it, would be admitting to weakness. Or at least in my mind anyways.
And to admit it might mean that I might be that girl*, and I'd hate to be that girl.  Although there's been many times this year where I've been that girl to my chagrin.  Anyways I digress.

For me singleness at its worst has been heartbreaking and at its best has been ignored.   And by "ignored" I mean me walking around ignoring that gnawing hunger inside, pretending it's not there, that it doesn't bother me, and that I don't really want a man.  That is what we call a dumb idea.


I honestly haven't had a very clear idea what it means to bring it to the Lord.  I've had some vague ideas for sure, but when it came down to what it tangibly entailed,  I had and still have no clue.  That gaping hole, that gnawing hunger, that overpowering desire, that screams to be filled, I didn't and I don't know what to do with it.   I didn't want to be all "Jesus is my boyfriend," because I don't think that's it and so the best I could muster was the cold shoulder because I didn't want to figure what it really meant to bring it to the Lord either.

I was scared that Jesus might not really fulfill me, and that if He did, that, that would mean no husband for me later.

I know, idolatry, I know.

Yet I still kept it as a pet, and refused to deal with it.

Earlier this year my pastor had gently and lovingly exhorted me to be patient during this season.  It went something along the lines of...
"I've seen many a staff woman get derailed because of this.  He'll come.  Let him grow up more, and in the meantime you can grow up a little yourself." 

I took his words to heart, and it's been reverebrating in my mind ever since.  I've seen the depravity of my own heart and the darkness of my own soul, and I know that it's only by the grace of God that I haven't been derailed yet, but if I continue to keep a pet sin....  

After a sound rebuke from the Lord last week...and boy was it loud and clear,  I figured that it was really time to get serious about surrendering this area to God instead of dilly dallying.

So where to start?
Thinking of singleness as fasting. 

 *How to explain?  that girl encompasses all the traits of the girl, a girl doesn't want to be.  I think every girl has their own concept of that girl.

On Missions

It saddens and frustrates me that when most people consider missions, if at all, their initial thoughts revolve around themselves, myself included.

Do I feel like going?
Can I handle the stress?
What about my family and friends?
How will I fare?
I'm going to miss home so much.
I'm going to die from the culture shock.
Who the heck am I going to marry over there?


(These thoughts continuously cycle through my mind like a broken record player.)


So many people I've talked to, their reasons for not going were somewhere along the lines of, it's going to be uncomfortable for me, and I can't handle it so therefore I'm not called to go, thank you very much.  Again, myself included.
Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for making sure you're emotionally stable and mature before you jet overseas.  That's very important, but I don't think that's the main reason why the labourers are few.

The main reason is because we're selfish.

Unless God has specifically called us to stay and send, all the above points are moot because we serve an all-mighty, all-knowing, all-loving God, with who anything is possible.   I'm not saying He's going to make everything comfortable.  I'm saying He'll sustain you through the difficulties.  Be it hot weather, beatings, or the lack of a mate.

And can I just say that our most common excuses don't hold up under the costs of discipleship listed in the Bible?

Nowhere does it say if it's too uncomfortable you can stay and not go.
Jesus says again and again,

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me."

But somehow we forget to figure that in.

The worst excuse is "but I'm not called."


Really?  Take a gander at Matthew 28:18-21.
How can we say we're not called when there are billions, literally billions of people perishing?
Is that excuse really going to stand up before Jesus when we meet Him?


Let's reverse our psychology.
Let's GO unless God closes the door and stops us.

25

25.
Twenty five.
Two.  Five.

Wow.  I can't believe we're here already.  And of course by "we" I mean "me".

25.

25 has always been a BIG birthday in my mind growing up along with
10 (double digits baby),
16 (sweet  16),
18 (officially an adult),
20 (the twenties!!!),
and I didn't really want to think about it after that because in my mind it all went downhill after the big 2-5.

25.  Man.

25 has always been a very daunting birthday because I had always felt pressured by our culture to "have it all together" by this time.

I'm suppose to have "arrived" by now.

Not only that, but there were also self-imposed expectations to be so incredibly accomplished that I would stand out above the crowd.

25.

The expectations were so, that as I inched closer to 25, I would have mini panic attacks every time I evaluated my life.  Followed by much self-loathing, much condemnation, much guilt, and much despair.  Then by the grace of God,  a few years ago, a little something called "burnout" happened....

25.

I don't have it all together.
I don't have it all figured out.
I don't think I ever will.

And I'm so ok with that.

Life will always be a journey...until I die.
God will always be teaching me and refining me.
I'm excited to see what He'll do, and follow Him wherever He calls.

25.

By God's grace you have become a birthday of hope instead a birthday of despair.

So South Asia, Eh? What It All Came Down To Part 2

South Asia was a gut decision.

I knew I wanted to stay with my organization because I knew they would take care of me if anything happened overseas.  They wouldn't leave me for dead.

I knew I wanted to go and was called to the 10/40 window.

So that left me with 3 choices:

North Africa

East Asia

South Asia

North Africa was and is still a place I would love to visit, but what pull it had for me to move there permanently, was eclipsed by the pull for South Asia.

Everyone had me pegged for East Asia.  I had me pegged for East Asia.  But being there this past summer I couldn't see me staying longer than 3 years, and I have to be honest, I really don't like moving around.  I had initially considered moving there next year, this past summer...because they were sending to South Asia, but since we're already going there, I figure might as well bypass the middle man.

So South Asia.

There was and there is this inexplicable pull to the immense brokenness that exists in general and also to the brokenness caused by the prevalent religious system.    

The new city model of ministry drew me.

The pioneering aspect of the partnership intrigued me.  

I saw long term potential.  i.e.   5+ years.  Remember, I hate moving.  For a movement to develop, continuity is key.  Someone needs to stay to learn from mistakes, not repeat them, and pass on the wisdom to newbies.

The fact that the city has an arts scene helped too.  

As well as the fact that I drool buckets over the local food, and can't get enough.  I'm seriously looking forward to eating copious amounts without paying the big bucks that I do here in Canada.  

But I'm not going to lie,  I will probably be McDonald's best customer in that city by the end of the year.

I think I'm crazy for wanting to do this, and whenever I pass South Asians on campus (which is quite a lot), I often ask myself, "Are you sure?  They're moving here."

But no one else is clamoring to go.

Conviction

The Holy Spirit has been working overtime in my life this past month.

He's pointed out that:

1) I am more vindicative than I ever thought I was.

2) My temper is a lot worse than I thought it was.

3) I'm actually a bigger jerk, than I thought I was.

4) I'm actually quite unloving.

5) I'm more arrogant than I thought I was.

SO many  DOH! moments, but it's encouraging to feel and accept conviction because for a good long while I was running away from it and ignoring it.  Bad idea, I know.

But the bright light here is that there is hope that God is still working in me.

Sometimes I do wonder...
If I am meant to be single, when will I ever give up on being married or would I always cling to that small shred of..."maybe"?

What would it look like to give up hope completely?
Scary, I should think.

It would be nice to go overseas with someone, especially if you're going to a place with few people that share your faith, and especially if it's for the long haul, and not just a year or two.

But I'm not about to wait for a husband before I go. 
Who am I to put conditions on God, and dilly dally when billions are perishing?
C'mon now.

Yet despite my sometimes snide, cynical, and bitter misgivings about guys and romance, which I am trying to curb, there is still hope burning inside.  

Not hope in what I see because I can't see very far.
Not hope in ratios and probabilities because next year is about to dramatically reduce my chances.
Not hope in my wiles because...what wiles?

But hope that my Lord is all over this.
Like white on rice.
That He totally knows what He's doing.
That somewhere out there in that huge world,
He's saved one great guy for me.

Dibs for Shelly.

And so in faith, not arrogant presumption,
I write my future hubby letters and postcards.
I save him pictures.
I joke with my friends about engagement presents.
We laugh about me being a submissive and quiet housewife. 
(The kicker lies in the quiet, not the submissive.  Believe it or not, I will submit.)
I make sure my BFF is willing to traverse the Pacific Ocean if I get married overseas.

Oh, Us Girls

Girls, in our bid for love, sometimes we immaturely ask the wrong questions, and we set the wrong standards. 

As we go through our mental checklist we ask:

"Is he good enough?"

Then we either fall into one of two errors:
1) In desperation, we quickly "pass" the guy and settle for good enough. 
As in, "Yeah I'm tired of waiting, of holding out, so yeah he's good enough."

Or

2) In arrogance, we decide no, he's not the Prince Charming we've been dreaming of.
As in, "No, you don't meet all of my 1,001 expectations of who exactly I want to marry.  As if."

(I know I'm making grand and sweeping generalizations, but it's late and I don't really want to write a lengthy post.)

I wonder if the better question to ask would be

"Is he the best fit for me, and vice versa?"

Because that would guard against both extremes of settling for someone who doesn't fit, and having unrealistic expectations.

As in, "Yeah, you've got all the proper, orthodox theology, but are we even on the same wavelength???"

As in, "Yeah, you're not Brad Pitt or Mark Driscoll, or whoever, but I'm not Jennifer Aniston either." 

If I Do Move...

How long will it actually take me to become fluent in a new language being immersed in it instead of sitting in a classroom?

I hope I can pick up more than just one language.  Ambitious?  Yes.  I've always been one to bite off more than I can chew.

Even if I move to S. Asia long term (5+ years), and if I get married, I'd definitely want to come back to N. America for a white, in both sense of the word, wedding.

I don't think I'll miss Winter, but I'll definitely miss Fall.

I really hope HR will approve my application.

An Ode

Being a part of a community at Grace Toronto has been a big blessing and a huge answer to prayer.  

I love them more and more every time I hang out with them.

Deep down I don't think I ever thought it was possible to find such a loving, Christ-centred community at church, even though that's where you're suppose to find it.  

There's just something very special about my group of friends.  

I can't put my finger on it.

They are friends...

1) who are inclusive of everyone.

2) and not only are they inclusive, they make you feel truly valued and appreciated.

3) enjoy you for you, especially your quirks, not in spite of, so you feel comfortable in your skin around them.

4) who are extra-milers, offering you cab money on a late night out, or renting a car to drive you all the way uptown even though they are already home, at 3 in the morning.

5) who have rapier sharp wits.

6) who are generous with everything they've got.

7) who are protective, kind, caring and so on and so forth.  The list of adjectives go on.

8) who love Christ with more than words.

9) who are just safe to be around.

10) who as a group gives you hope for the world in general because they embody who Jesus is.

Extra Note:

And the men!  

The men at my church deserve kudos for having such stellar character.

I say this very platonically:

I am now eating my words, "There are no good men left."

That Great Fear

Burnout has been one of the best things to happen to me because I learned so much about God and myself through it, but I never want to walk through that darkness of the soul again. 

My greatest fear right now is that I might burn out again.
Because apparently, there is little to no recovery from the second time.

I'm not scared of culture shock.
I'm not scared of loneliness.
I'm not scared of not seeing fruit in ministry.
I'm not scared of homesickness.
I'm not scared of stress.
I'm not scared of making a fool out of myself learning a new language, or even languages, plural.
I'm not scared of beginning to hate a cuisine that I love.

But I am scared that together, it'll be too much.  That they'll burn me out.

I'm not scared of adversity.
It's been a great teaching tool in the hands of God.
I'm even starting to learn to embrace it.

But I am scared that one day I might not make it through.

So this is my comfort.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name,
you are mine.
When you pass through the waters I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.
...
Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and 
I love you.
Isaiah 43: 1-2, 4

Later

Of all my bad habits, the one that I hate the most is procrastination.
I procrastinate when it comes to the smallest things, and especially when something stresses me out.
It bothers me so much now that I realize it that I constantly procrastinate.

How to outwit this dumb part of me?  I must come up with a plan.

I daresay many people have a warped understanding of love, at worst, and a shallow understanding at best, myself included.  Perhaps this is why people feel as if they don't experience God's love because they're looking for what they constitute as "love", which is a sad mockery of the real deal.

Love is not convenient by any means.
Love is not easy by any means.
Love is not painless by any means.

No one understands this better than Christ.

Five Things to Work On

1.  Integrity
Honesty is conforming my words to reality.
Integrity is conforming reality to my words.
~Michael Hyatt
i.e. being punctual, not double booking, not procrastinating, not exaggerating for story-telling effect.


"...let your "yes" be yes and your "no" be no..." James 5:20

2.  Humility
 Humility is honestly assessing ourselves in light of God's holiness and our sinfulness.
~C.J. Mahaney
i.e. listening with discernment to everyone's input regardless of age and position, and so much more application points...


"...but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:3

3.  Discipline/Self-Control
A man without self-control i slike a city broken into and left without walls.
~Solomon
i.e. focus, the way I spend my time, finances, eating habits, sleeping habits, habits in general.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..." Galatians 5:22

4.  Emotional Maturity
Youth fades-immaturity lingers.
~Unknown
i.e. the way I handle difficult situations, watching that temper, increasing accurate self-awareness.

"...we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ..." Ephesians 4:15

5.  Words 
Every day, your words give your relationships their tone.  Every day you tell people what you think of them, what you want from them, and what you would like to enjoy with them.
~ Tim Lane and Paul Tripp
i.e. thinking before speaking, watching my tone, building up and not tearing down, not being defensive and or abrasive.

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."  Ephesians 4:29

Thoughts

Pain is a great catalyst for spiritual and personal growth. And no, I'm not being a masochist.

My happy ending is coming, it's just not here yet, but it's coming. Not even death can prevent my happy ending.

Grief is like a wrecking ball that keeps swinging back towards you, but you never know when it's going to hit. Sometimes it's at the oddest, most inconvenient moments.

Living a Countdown

A few weeks back one of my friends asked me how it felt it be living a countdown after I had told her that God-willing I was planning to move overseas in a few years.

Words that came to mind were:
Bittersweet, rejuvenating, purposeful.

I enjoy my life in Toronto and it saddens me to think of leaving. But knowing that I have a short time here causes me to savour and cherish each moment of everyday, and goads me to live purposefully.

Because the reality is even if I wasn't leaving, I'd still be living a countdown. My days are numbered. Each day is a gift from God, and at the end of each day that's one day closer to death. Morbid, but true.

I want to use each day well. I want to be a good steward of the time that I have, and in my head that means accomplishing a lot of tasks. But I'm starting to think that using my time well doesn't necessarily mean getting a lot of things done.

For one thing, I can't physically get a lot of things done. Last week I received a warning from my counsellor to start taking care of myself or face burnout again at the end of the summer. This week I've been sleeping on average 12-14 hours, and I'm still tired.

So what does it mean to "make the best use of time, because the days are evil" (Eph 5:16) when realistically I can function properly for ten hours a day?