The activities that occupy my day have been subconsciously divided up into 3 categories: Shoulds, Wants, and Needs.
Shoulds- Things that are my responsibility, that I ought to get done. i.e. ministry responsibilities.
Wants- Things that I want to do, like going to see Wicked, the musical.
Needs- Things that I need to do to keep my sanity. i.e. stay home and be a hermit.
When I told this to my counsellor he suggested a change. Apparently there is something to a name. To help manage stress, my counsellor suggested that I rename two of them shoulds- to Ministry and needs to Self-Care. So renamed they are.
Unfortunately if this was a Venn diagram on Graph Jam, none of the circles would intersect. I can't stay home and go see a musical at the same time. And unfortunately ministry drains me.
Sadly September was filled mostly with Ministry and Wants and little of Self-Care. Warning bells started ringing and red flags started waving when I felt suffocated every time I looked at my weekly schedule, and wondered, "when am I going to have a chance to breathe?" So now I have to take drastic measures to fill up my emotional tank or else pay hell in the future with my sanity.
Can I just say that it's not easy enforcing hermit status on yourself when your roommates and teammates are some of the funnest people around? It's only been day two of hermit status and I've already declined two invitations to hang out. TWO! And more to come. I hate the thought that I'm missing out on fun and inside jokes.
Not to say that staying home is bad. There is a reason why I need to. Many actually. And since I did stay home tonight instead of traipsing out on the town, I have shiny, mint green nails to show for it.
Pats on my back.
This is part of growing up I suppose. Choosing wisely over choosing emotionally.
Showing posts with label Burnout. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Burnout. Show all posts
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Missing Out
Yesterday B.F. caught me off guard with the question,
"Has the start of the year been a good for you?"
The answer was unquestionably, yes. Or should've been.
I've never started a year off on staff in such a good head space.
Yet, I hemmed and hawwed for a few confused seconds before yammering out my answer, seemingly trying to convince myself in the process.
Mentally I went through a quick evaluation.
Personally, I was good, yes.
Ministry, was great, yes.
Familial relationships, fabulous, yes.
Community, fantastic, yes.
Loving Jesus, yes.
So what was the hesitation for?
Physically I was bombed, and the frenetic pace of the past three weeks drained all of my emotional reserves, and left me figuratively heading for the hills so I could hermit away in some cave.
Weekends zoomed by while I scrambled to try to fill that emotional gas tank before Monday arrived.
'Tis a conundrum as I absolutely need alone time to recharge, but the social butterfly in me now feels jipped by my prudent self when I turn down invitations or purposely not make plans. It was one thing to turn down invitations when I was burnt out, and didn't want to go out. It's another thing when I want to do everything, but can't, because unfortunately I am human and cannot be omnipresent. Dang it!
"Has the start of the year been a good for you?"
The answer was unquestionably, yes. Or should've been.
I've never started a year off on staff in such a good head space.
Yet, I hemmed and hawwed for a few confused seconds before yammering out my answer, seemingly trying to convince myself in the process.
Mentally I went through a quick evaluation.
Personally, I was good, yes.
Ministry, was great, yes.
Familial relationships, fabulous, yes.
Community, fantastic, yes.
Loving Jesus, yes.
So what was the hesitation for?
Physically I was bombed, and the frenetic pace of the past three weeks drained all of my emotional reserves, and left me figuratively heading for the hills so I could hermit away in some cave.
Weekends zoomed by while I scrambled to try to fill that emotional gas tank before Monday arrived.
'Tis a conundrum as I absolutely need alone time to recharge, but the social butterfly in me now feels jipped by my prudent self when I turn down invitations or purposely not make plans. It was one thing to turn down invitations when I was burnt out, and didn't want to go out. It's another thing when I want to do everything, but can't, because unfortunately I am human and cannot be omnipresent. Dang it!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Hit That Nail on Its Head
"Mei mei*, I couldn't sleep all night because I was thinking about you. There's nothing wrong with you physically...You're emotionally exhausted."
~Mum
I had been super tired since mid-semester, but I'd just attributed it to sleep deprivation and a busy schedule. But now I'm still fatigued even though I've been having 12 hour sleeps, and a mild schedule. It didn't occur to me that I was emotionally exhausted until mum hit the nail right on its head except she was completely wrong about the cause of my emotional exhaustion.
I'd almost written off the fact that I am still recovering from burnout because really it's been two years, but earthgirl wisely reminded me that I took no time off whilst most others did so it's going to be a slower process.
~Mum
I had been super tired since mid-semester, but I'd just attributed it to sleep deprivation and a busy schedule. But now I'm still fatigued even though I've been having 12 hour sleeps, and a mild schedule. It didn't occur to me that I was emotionally exhausted until mum hit the nail right on its head except she was completely wrong about the cause of my emotional exhaustion.
I'd almost written off the fact that I am still recovering from burnout because really it's been two years, but earthgirl wisely reminded me that I took no time off whilst most others did so it's going to be a slower process.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
A friend and I were talking about burnout and depression.
They affect us, yes. But do they define us? No.
Burnout, depression, S.A.D., and the like, they affect our moods, our energy levels, our interactions with others amongst many other things. Yes, it's hard to understand. Yes, it's difficult for us to live with, and yes, it's difficult for those around us as well. We don't deny this.
We know that for someone on the outside looking in it can seem like it has completely taken over our beings, that it has consumed us, that it defines us, but it doesn't. That's only the tip of the iceberg.
Christ defines us.
Our identities lies in what Christ has done for us, who we are in Him, and who He has made us to be. If you look closer you'll see that there's more than just fatigue, tears, sadness, and darkness. If you look deeper you'll see character being built.
You'll see faith being anchored more firmly in Jesus.
You'll see grace, mercy, and forgiveness being comprehended to greater depth.
You'll see endurance and patience slowly ripening.
You'll see wisdom gained.
You'll see hope blossoming, hope that cannot be shaken.
You'll see kindness and empathy that only those who've experienced such brokenness can know.
You'll see love that's been refined.
Yet, the sad part is that people don't understand and don't see beyond the surface.
We do not allow our burdens to define us, but sadly others do.
So to add grief onto grief we've been misunderstood.
We've been given up on.
We've been passed over for someone else.
Someone else who is less "complicated", is less "difficult", and whose life is less "messy".
But there are those who do stand by us who understand like Christ that love is not convenient, love is not easy, and love is not painless, and who understand that there is no one on this earth who isn't complicated, who isn't difficult, who isn't messy.
There are those who truly love like Christ.
Who sacrifices self, who endures through hardship, and who bears pain. Even that not of their own.
And to those people we say "thank you."
They affect us, yes. But do they define us? No.
Burnout, depression, S.A.D., and the like, they affect our moods, our energy levels, our interactions with others amongst many other things. Yes, it's hard to understand. Yes, it's difficult for us to live with, and yes, it's difficult for those around us as well. We don't deny this.
We know that for someone on the outside looking in it can seem like it has completely taken over our beings, that it has consumed us, that it defines us, but it doesn't. That's only the tip of the iceberg.
Christ defines us.
Our identities lies in what Christ has done for us, who we are in Him, and who He has made us to be. If you look closer you'll see that there's more than just fatigue, tears, sadness, and darkness. If you look deeper you'll see character being built.
You'll see faith being anchored more firmly in Jesus.
You'll see grace, mercy, and forgiveness being comprehended to greater depth.
You'll see endurance and patience slowly ripening.
You'll see wisdom gained.
You'll see hope blossoming, hope that cannot be shaken.
You'll see kindness and empathy that only those who've experienced such brokenness can know.
You'll see love that's been refined.
Yet, the sad part is that people don't understand and don't see beyond the surface.
We do not allow our burdens to define us, but sadly others do.
So to add grief onto grief we've been misunderstood.
We've been given up on.
We've been passed over for someone else.
Someone else who is less "complicated", is less "difficult", and whose life is less "messy".
But there are those who do stand by us who understand like Christ that love is not convenient, love is not easy, and love is not painless, and who understand that there is no one on this earth who isn't complicated, who isn't difficult, who isn't messy.
There are those who truly love like Christ.
Who sacrifices self, who endures through hardship, and who bears pain. Even that not of their own.
And to those people we say "thank you."
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Living a Countdown
A few weeks back one of my friends asked me how it felt it be living a countdown after I had told her that God-willing I was planning to move overseas in a few years.
Words that came to mind were:
Bittersweet, rejuvenating, purposeful.
I enjoy my life in Toronto and it saddens me to think of leaving. But knowing that I have a short time here causes me to savour and cherish each moment of everyday, and goads me to live purposefully.
Because the reality is even if I wasn't leaving, I'd still be living a countdown. My days are numbered. Each day is a gift from God, and at the end of each day that's one day closer to death. Morbid, but true.
I want to use each day well. I want to be a good steward of the time that I have, and in my head that means accomplishing a lot of tasks. But I'm starting to think that using my time well doesn't necessarily mean getting a lot of things done.
For one thing, I can't physically get a lot of things done. Last week I received a warning from my counsellor to start taking care of myself or face burnout again at the end of the summer. This week I've been sleeping on average 12-14 hours, and I'm still tired.
So what does it mean to "make the best use of time, because the days are evil" (Eph 5:16) when realistically I can function properly for ten hours a day?
Words that came to mind were:
Bittersweet, rejuvenating, purposeful.
I enjoy my life in Toronto and it saddens me to think of leaving. But knowing that I have a short time here causes me to savour and cherish each moment of everyday, and goads me to live purposefully.
Because the reality is even if I wasn't leaving, I'd still be living a countdown. My days are numbered. Each day is a gift from God, and at the end of each day that's one day closer to death. Morbid, but true.
I want to use each day well. I want to be a good steward of the time that I have, and in my head that means accomplishing a lot of tasks. But I'm starting to think that using my time well doesn't necessarily mean getting a lot of things done.
For one thing, I can't physically get a lot of things done. Last week I received a warning from my counsellor to start taking care of myself or face burnout again at the end of the summer. This week I've been sleeping on average 12-14 hours, and I'm still tired.
So what does it mean to "make the best use of time, because the days are evil" (Eph 5:16) when realistically I can function properly for ten hours a day?
Sunday, September 20, 2009
What's For Dinner
I know I'm recovering from burnout when I have a higher capacity and desire to cook. Having two friends over on different nights, and hosting a potluck this week. I'm serving:
Monday Night:
Sweet and Sour Spare Ribs (Alliteration not intended)
Chinese Chives and Eggs
Rice
Friday Night:
Handmade Wonton Soup
or
Orange Flavoured Porkchops
Stir Fry
Rice
(Haven't made up my mind yet.)
Saturday Night Potluck:
Five Spice Chicken Wings
For Myself For the Week:
Silken Chicken Soup with Bean Sprouts
Monday Night:
Sweet and Sour Spare Ribs (Alliteration not intended)
Chinese Chives and Eggs
Rice
Friday Night:
Handmade Wonton Soup
or
Orange Flavoured Porkchops
Stir Fry
Rice
(Haven't made up my mind yet.)
Saturday Night Potluck:
Five Spice Chicken Wings
For Myself For the Week:
Silken Chicken Soup with Bean Sprouts
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Frustrated
Weariness burns the inside of my eyes like peroxide. And I should know because I accidentally placed contacts lenses soaked with solution containing peroxide in my eyes multiple times this summer. It hurt.
But that's what it has felt like for the past few days, and it's not for a lack of sleep. I've gotten my fair share of 8+ hours of sleep a night plus some major nap time in the afternoons, but lucidity still eludes me. I walk around in a haze of fatigue.
I had thought that my energy was returning to me this summer, but I guess I was wrong. With the increased pace of my life, my energy has dissipated even faster.
And I am very frustrated to the point of tears.
Because there are so many things that I want to do, that I would be able to do, if I was just healthy.
Recovery is taking too long...or so I think.
All the while I wonder, where is the gospel in this? How should I be preaching it to myself?
But that's what it has felt like for the past few days, and it's not for a lack of sleep. I've gotten my fair share of 8+ hours of sleep a night plus some major nap time in the afternoons, but lucidity still eludes me. I walk around in a haze of fatigue.
I had thought that my energy was returning to me this summer, but I guess I was wrong. With the increased pace of my life, my energy has dissipated even faster.
And I am very frustrated to the point of tears.
Because there are so many things that I want to do, that I would be able to do, if I was just healthy.
Recovery is taking too long...or so I think.
All the while I wonder, where is the gospel in this? How should I be preaching it to myself?
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
What Time Is It?
It's TOOL time!
Anyone get the reference? It's from Home Improvement.
There are days when I feel like a complete and total tool, and today is one of those days. I've been doing some work in preparing for Orientation week at Ryerson for Campus for Christ in the past day or so, and I think I've hit the proverbial PANIC!!! button multiple times already. (Hangs head in shame.) Just when I thought I've mellowed and matured, I go and spazz out.
It's my first major responsibility since burning out, and the self- imposed Asian pressure to perform is holding a knife to my throat. I feel the need to perform and to perform well to prove my worth to myself, to my team, to my supporters, and to my organization, that I'm worthy of being on staff and that I'm not a dead weight because there have been days this past year where I've wondered if Power to Change would get more bang out of their buck if they hired someone else. Someone smarter, healthier, wiser, with more capacity, with more skills, who knows more languages, loves God more, knows the Bible better, is more faithful, etc...because you know there's plenty of people out there that fit into those categories. Now I feel the need to go talk to my shrink. Heh. :P
And ladies and gentlemen that is one of the biggest lies I've ever swallowed.
Because before God I am called to this ministry, and He has approved me, warts and all. And that is all that matters.
Because it's not about me.
It's not about me proving my worth the first week back to school.
It's about God and making His name known on campus.
It's not about me bemoaning my weaknesses.
It's about God and making His strength known through my weaknesses.
It's not even about having the picture perfect plans.
It's about trusting in Him and His sovereignty, and walking in faith.
Now I just need to play that over, and over, and over, and over, and over in my head.
So today's one of those "tool days", but they're good when I have the right perspective; a small view of me and a big view of God.
Anyone get the reference? It's from Home Improvement.
There are days when I feel like a complete and total tool, and today is one of those days. I've been doing some work in preparing for Orientation week at Ryerson for Campus for Christ in the past day or so, and I think I've hit the proverbial PANIC!!! button multiple times already. (Hangs head in shame.) Just when I thought I've mellowed and matured, I go and spazz out.
It's my first major responsibility since burning out, and the self- imposed Asian pressure to perform is holding a knife to my throat. I feel the need to perform and to perform well to prove my worth to myself, to my team, to my supporters, and to my organization, that I'm worthy of being on staff and that I'm not a dead weight because there have been days this past year where I've wondered if Power to Change would get more bang out of their buck if they hired someone else. Someone smarter, healthier, wiser, with more capacity, with more skills, who knows more languages, loves God more, knows the Bible better, is more faithful, etc...because you know there's plenty of people out there that fit into those categories. Now I feel the need to go talk to my shrink. Heh. :P
And ladies and gentlemen that is one of the biggest lies I've ever swallowed.
Because before God I am called to this ministry, and He has approved me, warts and all. And that is all that matters.
Because it's not about me.
It's not about me proving my worth the first week back to school.
It's about God and making His name known on campus.
It's not about me bemoaning my weaknesses.
It's about God and making His strength known through my weaknesses.
It's not even about having the picture perfect plans.
It's about trusting in Him and His sovereignty, and walking in faith.
Now I just need to play that over, and over, and over, and over, and over in my head.
So today's one of those "tool days", but they're good when I have the right perspective; a small view of me and a big view of God.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
This Much and No More
I love how my body knows its limits when I mentally don't. I didn't realize I was pushing myself too hard this week until I came down sick with a cold. Then it was like my body saying to me, "Ok, you're pushing me too hard, so I'm going to slow down...now whether you like it or not."
The immune system has been pretty depressed since burning out. I usually don't get sick at all during the year even when it's flu season, but the last twelve months I've racked up two bouts of bronchitis, two colds, and one sinus infection. A record, I think. All that's missing is a fever.
It's still minor, so here's to hoping it doesn't develop into bronchitis or a sinus infection. Fingers crossed.
The immune system has been pretty depressed since burning out. I usually don't get sick at all during the year even when it's flu season, but the last twelve months I've racked up two bouts of bronchitis, two colds, and one sinus infection. A record, I think. All that's missing is a fever.
It's still minor, so here's to hoping it doesn't develop into bronchitis or a sinus infection. Fingers crossed.
Just a Moment of Weakness
I use to get delighted when people would ask me if I had any insecurities because to me it meant that I was successful in presenting to the world a strong image. You know the whole, "I am woman, hear me roar" kind of thing.
Any loneliness, insecurity, or fears that I had would just be a moment of weakness. In my head I was independent and INVINCIBLE.
That was why going through burnout was so frustrating because it revealed the truth that I was not independent and invincible. In fact it was quite the opposite. I'm quite dependent on the mercies of God for every little thing, the truth of which did not bode well with me during the past few months. Because even though I was dependent on Jesus for my salvation I wanted to be able to say that I could depend on myself for being able to take care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally. I mean it's everyday life, I should be able to handle it! What a subtle but insidious mentality. My worth was in again...how I performed. Darn the performance trap. I shake my fist at it!
I thought I had learned this lesson well this past year, but as I am recovering, it seems the pride comes back just as fast as the energy levels. Sigh.
I was shocked to discover that in the past week I was mentally brushing insecurities, anxieties, and the like off as "just a moment of weakness". I still had this "I am invincible" mentality. Argrgggggh.
Any loneliness, insecurity, or fears that I had would just be a moment of weakness. In my head I was independent and INVINCIBLE.
That was why going through burnout was so frustrating because it revealed the truth that I was not independent and invincible. In fact it was quite the opposite. I'm quite dependent on the mercies of God for every little thing, the truth of which did not bode well with me during the past few months. Because even though I was dependent on Jesus for my salvation I wanted to be able to say that I could depend on myself for being able to take care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally. I mean it's everyday life, I should be able to handle it! What a subtle but insidious mentality. My worth was in again...how I performed. Darn the performance trap. I shake my fist at it!
I thought I had learned this lesson well this past year, but as I am recovering, it seems the pride comes back just as fast as the energy levels. Sigh.
I was shocked to discover that in the past week I was mentally brushing insecurities, anxieties, and the like off as "just a moment of weakness". I still had this "I am invincible" mentality. Argrgggggh.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Life Hurts
Today two of my best friends and I got together for a little coffee date.
All three of us have been through some very trying times in the past two years, circumstances made even harder by the fact that we were far apart in distance.
We laughed, we reminisced, we shared, we praised, and we almost cried or at least I almost did.
"Life hurts," was A.'s response to my fears and anxiety of relapsing into burnout. And how true that statement was and is.
Even after going through burnout I still go around thinking that pain is abnormal and that I need to avoid it. I also have this mentality that I've had my share of crap in life as a kid so I should be exempt for the next few decades.
But the truth of the matter is, that I live in a fallen, imperfect world with other fallen, imperfect people, and sooner or later life's going to hurt. It's the norm not the exception, but I keep forgetting this, and keep going around trying to protect myself with walls a zillion feet high as if I could really avoid pain forever that way. Silly me.
But I think the saddest part is that I forget my Lord and Master, who promises that:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3
Life hurts, but He gets me through.
All three of us have been through some very trying times in the past two years, circumstances made even harder by the fact that we were far apart in distance.
We laughed, we reminisced, we shared, we praised, and we almost cried or at least I almost did.
"Life hurts," was A.'s response to my fears and anxiety of relapsing into burnout. And how true that statement was and is.
Even after going through burnout I still go around thinking that pain is abnormal and that I need to avoid it. I also have this mentality that I've had my share of crap in life as a kid so I should be exempt for the next few decades.
But the truth of the matter is, that I live in a fallen, imperfect world with other fallen, imperfect people, and sooner or later life's going to hurt. It's the norm not the exception, but I keep forgetting this, and keep going around trying to protect myself with walls a zillion feet high as if I could really avoid pain forever that way. Silly me.
But I think the saddest part is that I forget my Lord and Master, who promises that:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3
Life hurts, but He gets me through.
Friday, July 10, 2009
On Being "Crazy"*
One of the hardest things about burnout is there is no visible manifestation like there would be, say if I was suffering from a broken arm. With a broken arm you can judge accurately when I am finally healed, but with burnout things are not what they seem. Outwardly I might look perfectly fine, but inwardly, it could be a completely different story. Though I have been recuperating, the road to recovery has been an interesting one to navigate as I try to figure out my limits and boundaries for when I'm not "crazy" or at least, for becoming less "crazy".
With the return of the light in my eyes and joy in my smile, comes the fear of others' expectations. "Oh you LOOK fine now! Great! Now you can do this, this, and THIS." The inability to say no because of people- pleasing tendencies, and the failure to watch my boundaries was one of the many reasons I got into this mess in the first place, and being at IBS, taking grad level courses has brought me face to face with the demon of the approval of others'.
The first two weeks bowled me over, and as I approached the "second semester" I considered dropping a class. I was not getting enough sleep and stressed, yet it was interesting to see the thoughts that went through my head as I tried to determine whether or not I would drop the course.
What if my friends thought I was slacking off?
What if my director thought I was slacking off? Am I copping out? Can't I just suck it up and stick it out?
And 'round and 'round it went until finally the question:
Before God: Are you slacking off or can you really not handle a fourth course?
That decided it. I knew I couldn't go into the new school year wearied, but it's been hard because there's no visible indication that I'm not well. The only one is that I've been taking four hour naps to recupe the lost sleep from the past two weeks, and even that can be taken as "slacking off".
It was easy to say no at the nadir of my burnout because...really there was no other option, AND I was under direction from my doctors to say so. I had PERMISSION. There was freedom in saying no because I had a reason. Sorry, going crazy. Can't do it.
But now I'm faced with the expectations of recovery and the kindly suspicion of using burnout as a mental crutch. Since I look fine outwardly, some people automatically think there's other reasons for my fatigue. I don't feel the freedom to say no anymore because I think that I don't have a reason to, AND this is where another part of me goes HOW ABOUT LONG TERM SANITY? HOW'S THAT FOR A REASON?
Even this post in itself is me trying to justify myself and my lack of productivity to the world. Ugh.
To Be Continued...
* Please note all use of the word "crazy" to refer to burnout is facetious. Burnout is serious. I'm just making fun of the stereotype.
With the return of the light in my eyes and joy in my smile, comes the fear of others' expectations. "Oh you LOOK fine now! Great! Now you can do this, this, and THIS." The inability to say no because of people- pleasing tendencies, and the failure to watch my boundaries was one of the many reasons I got into this mess in the first place, and being at IBS, taking grad level courses has brought me face to face with the demon of the approval of others'.
The first two weeks bowled me over, and as I approached the "second semester" I considered dropping a class. I was not getting enough sleep and stressed, yet it was interesting to see the thoughts that went through my head as I tried to determine whether or not I would drop the course.
What if my friends thought I was slacking off?
What if my director thought I was slacking off? Am I copping out? Can't I just suck it up and stick it out?
And 'round and 'round it went until finally the question:
Before God: Are you slacking off or can you really not handle a fourth course?
That decided it. I knew I couldn't go into the new school year wearied, but it's been hard because there's no visible indication that I'm not well. The only one is that I've been taking four hour naps to recupe the lost sleep from the past two weeks, and even that can be taken as "slacking off".
It was easy to say no at the nadir of my burnout because...really there was no other option, AND I was under direction from my doctors to say so. I had PERMISSION. There was freedom in saying no because I had a reason. Sorry, going crazy. Can't do it.
But now I'm faced with the expectations of recovery and the kindly suspicion of using burnout as a mental crutch. Since I look fine outwardly, some people automatically think there's other reasons for my fatigue. I don't feel the freedom to say no anymore because I think that I don't have a reason to, AND this is where another part of me goes HOW ABOUT LONG TERM SANITY? HOW'S THAT FOR A REASON?
Even this post in itself is me trying to justify myself and my lack of productivity to the world. Ugh.
To Be Continued...
* Please note all use of the word "crazy" to refer to burnout is facetious. Burnout is serious. I'm just making fun of the stereotype.
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