Shoulds, Wants, and Needs

The activities that occupy my day have been subconsciously divided up into 3 categories: Shoulds, Wants, and Needs.

Shoulds- Things that are my responsibility, that I ought to get done. i.e. ministry responsibilities.

Wants- Things that I want to do, like going to see Wicked, the musical.

Needs- Things that I need to do to keep my sanity. i.e. stay home and be a hermit.

When I told this to my counsellor he suggested a change. Apparently there is something to a name. To help manage stress, my counsellor suggested that I rename two of them shoulds- to Ministry and needs to Self-Care. So renamed they are.

Unfortunately if this was a Venn diagram on Graph Jam, none of the circles would intersect. I can't stay home and go see a musical at the same time. And unfortunately ministry drains me.

Sadly September was filled mostly with Ministry and Wants and little of Self-Care. Warning bells started ringing and red flags started waving when I felt suffocated every time I looked at my weekly schedule, and wondered, "when am I going to have a chance to breathe?" So now I have to take drastic measures to fill up my emotional tank or else pay hell in the future with my sanity.

Can I just say that it's not easy enforcing hermit status on yourself when your roommates and teammates are some of the funnest people around? It's only been day two of hermit status and I've already declined two invitations to hang out. TWO! And more to come. I hate the thought that I'm missing out on fun and inside jokes.

Not to say that staying home is bad. There is a reason why I need to. Many actually. And since I did stay home tonight instead of traipsing out on the town, I have shiny, mint green nails to show for it.

Pats on my back.

This is part of growing up I suppose. Choosing wisely over choosing emotionally.

25

25.
Twenty five.
Two.  Five.

Wow.  I can't believe we're here already.  And of course by "we" I mean "me".

25.

25 has always been a BIG birthday in my mind growing up along with
10 (double digits baby),
16 (sweet  16),
18 (officially an adult),
20 (the twenties!!!),
and I didn't really want to think about it after that because in my mind it all went downhill after the big 2-5.

25.  Man.

25 has always been a very daunting birthday because I had always felt pressured by our culture to "have it all together" by this time.

I'm suppose to have "arrived" by now.

Not only that, but there were also self-imposed expectations to be so incredibly accomplished that I would stand out above the crowd.

25.

The expectations were so, that as I inched closer to 25, I would have mini panic attacks every time I evaluated my life.  Followed by much self-loathing, much condemnation, much guilt, and much despair.  Then by the grace of God,  a few years ago, a little something called "burnout" happened....

25.

I don't have it all together.
I don't have it all figured out.
I don't think I ever will.

And I'm so ok with that.

Life will always be a journey...until I die.
God will always be teaching me and refining me.
I'm excited to see what He'll do, and follow Him wherever He calls.

25.

By God's grace you have become a birthday of hope instead a birthday of despair.

Savor It Now

There have been multiple times this past week while cuddling with someone else's baby or playing with somebody's toddler, where I've thought, "Ok, Lord I'm ready to be a mummy. I want to have a little bundle of joy reach for me and call me, 'mama'. Yup, Lord, any day now......any day."

And then, I get home, and I'm bumming around doing my 'single ladies' thang. Running my show. Living it up.

Then God's like, "savor it now, instead of wishing it away."

On Responsibility

Sure, I'm 23...going on to 24.
Sure, I've been on my own since 17.
Sure, I'm bringing in a paycheck being a working girl and all that, but I don't think I'm actually that responsible.

Responsibility, I have recently realized isn't defined by past accomplishments or age, but it's determined by my present actions. SURPRISE SURPRISE! REVELATION! SOMEONE GIVE ME A PRIZE!

It's weird because I've always thought of myself as pretty responsible, but there are definitely areas which has recently been brought to my attention where I have been irresponsible. Work commitments, church commitments, finances, and just even being on time. Funnily enough, watching Confessions of a Shopaholic was convicting. I think I've actually regressed in responsibility.

But how to become more responsible and less stressed? The obvious answer? Take on less stuff because if I were to be fully committed and responsible for everything on my plate I'd go nutso AGAIN. Ah, but what a blow to my prideful and misguided "anything you can do, I can do better" mentality. I have to remember that I am not the saviour of the world, that position is filled already.

Growing Up

Recently I've had frequent moments where I've actually felt "grown-up". Moments like when I was on the road to vacation with Lydders, or when I spontaneously decided to go to Quebec for the Canadian Swing Dancing Championships, or when I was showing my car to potential buyers, or when my credit card number was stolen. For the most part I usually just feel like a kid with a LOT of freedom, playing at "real" life. But now I'm feeling more like an adult,......................... 0.001% of the time.

It's Happened

Remember how when you were a kid and you hated those "aunties" and even some "uncles" who would attack you the minute they saw you? How they would gush about how adorable you were, and how they wanted to eat your cheeks, and pester you incessantly for hugs and kisses? How you vowed never to become one of them because you know from first hand experience how annoying that was? And how you don't want to be constantly kissing the rough surfaces of some random adult's cheek? Yeah, me too.

The Upswing of Things

Things have been rough on the inside this past month. There was and still is much to ponder and chew on as I continue to make the transition from student to a "grown-up". I think one of the issues amongst many was and is that on the outside I'm "here". I'm "grown-up" now. I have a job. I have my own apartment.

Letting that sink in.

I take care of me. But on the inside I still feel very much like a kid. I still haven't figured out life yet at 22. Devastating, I know. This is all to say this is why I have neglected this poor corner of the web. Too much going on inside to post it on the outside.

Things are on the upswing and God-willing they will keep going up.

Tired

Being on staff has been more exhausting than I had ever imagined. Actually I didn't think it would be this tiring. For the most part I've been brain dead by the time I've gotten home from campus. Thus no recent blogging. There's been SO much that's been going on though, and I really want to blog about it. But I don't think I can do it justice in my recent state of mind. I'm slowly getting use to the pace so hopefully by next week I'll be able to blog about something more substantial than being tired.

First Day

Good.

That's how I would describe my first day. A solid, deep 'good'. Not just a chipper, light 'good'. But good.

God is good. Very good.

More tomorrow. I am tired.

Roots

God has really blessed me with the transition back to Toronto. I had put down some deep roots for the first time in my life in Guelph, and I thought it would be rocky, transitioning to a new kind of life in Toronto. In my head I had this mental picture of me brutally pulling and ripping out my precious roots so that I could put down new ones. I've had to break some ties, like my involvement in the ministry at Guelph, but thankfully the friendships have been preserved. So there really wasn't much blood shed. The transition has been surprisingly pleasant thus far. It was the smoothest move I've ever made in my entire life. Thank God. It also helped that I expected and wanted this move. I knew that my university life and my time in Guelph was limited, and I wanted to return to Toronto.

But it makes me wonder if I'll have the courage to pull up these roots that I'm laying down, pack up and move overseas in a few years, because in my head my stay in Toronto is indefinite. I could be here for a year, two years, five years, ten years, or until I die. There is no "time's up" like there was in Guelph. So really...I don't have to leave. Of course when God calls, the call will be enough to compel me to go. But I also do wonder...am I getting too comfortable?

The Symphony

Life is good.

Last night I went to the Toronto Symphony Orchestra with a girl friend to hear Dvorak's Symphony #8. It was beautiful. Not just the music, but the musicians. It was mesmerizing watching their body move to the music as they were playing, and the way the bows of the stringed instruments moved in unison. I don't have enough words to describe it. There were so many cool things. Like how all these different instruments came together to create such a cool...melody instead of some raucous noise. It just blows my mind to try to fathom it because they could very well just be making noise.

I felt so sophisticated and grown up, traipsing downtown in heels for a cool Thai meal and then going out to the Symphony afterwards. It was only something that I imagined myself doing when I was "younger". Sometimes I still feel like I'm 16 inside. Last night was definitely one of those..."Pinch me, and tell me I'm awake," nights. I can't believe I'm living this life!

22

22. It doesn't feel all that different than 21, but I feel like I've stepped over the threshold into the prime of life. Never have I felt so comfortable in my own skin because of my relationship with Christ. Never have I felt so content because of Christ.

Life has arrived.
Not because I turned 22, but because my mental paradigm has finally adjusted to the fact that this is life. Life is what's happening right now, not when such and such happens. This is life and I absolutely love it. Absolutely content.

A myriad of adventures awaits me. What will happen next around the bend on this road of life? I am so excited for what the Lord has planned for the year ahead. Whatever it is I am ready to rock this casbah. Carpe diem! Seize the day.

In Hindsight Jesus' Always Right

I don't know when exactly, but I do remember in the folly of my youth I ranted online to the entire world wondering why I couldn't have met someone in university, got married, and then joined staff. Might I emphasize the fact that this happened during the FOLLY OF MY YOUTH. Henceforth known as "FOMY".

In hindsight Jesus is Sovereign, and I praise Him that He is. MPD is enough work as it is. I can't imagine adding the stress of graduation, transitioning to another stage in life, beginning a marriage in addition to MPD. That would have been madness. I think I would've died or killed my new hubby. Praise God that He knew and knows best. Props to my friends who have done it, and thank God they're still alive. I'm completely content as a cheshire cat to do MPD alone. Less stress and more air time. Can you imagine doing the VACA on half the time? I speed talk as it is.

It's a similar story with STINT. For three years I had planned on going overseas right after graduation. Praise God that He is sovereign and that He thwarted my plans. As much as I love Asia, graduating, raising support, and moving to a different continent all in four months would've been too much for me. Granted yes, I could've done it on the Lord's strength, but I'm so glad He didn't ask it of me.

I like my new apartment. I like my new roommates. I like my new staff team. I like Toronto. I love Jesus.

So what about my current situation? Well, I would love to be on campus right now, but the Lord is Sovereign. Something good will come of this, like an increase in my Japanese vocabulary and hearing comprehension due to an increased consumption of J-drama, anime, and J-pop. That'll definitely come in handy if and when the Japanese partnership goes through. Yippee! Please Lord, let that be soon.

Side Note: The traditional Chinese in me is so going to go on a guilt trip if and when my Japanese literacy exceeds my Chinese literacy even though my Chinese literacy will increase as a by product of learning Japanese. But there is just so much more incentive so study Japanese.

Let Go

"moving on will be great...just not right now."

Tonight I missed the annual Guelph Pep Rally, and all that it embodies and entails. Let me just sit and let that sink in.
I missed my friends.
I missed the excitement, the thrill, the anticipation of a new school year.

Four years ago I was one of those wide-eyed frosh staring out onto the field wondering what the future beheld. Four wonderful years. Now I'm here in that future. A bright treasure chest of a future that's still opening to reveal its mysterious contents, but a part of me still wants to go back to the comfort of the past four years.

I feel like I'm in mourning.

"moving on will be great...just not right now."

Rambling Reflection

I am sitting at my laptop at 2:21am in the morning waiting for 3:00 to arrive so that Becky, Ashley C/K, and I can drive me to the airport for my crazy flight to Seattle via Houston.

Today I woke up and thought to myself I am no longer a university student. I am in the real world now, and it scared me.

The thought of arriving home from MET to an empty house, to moving again to a new place, to starting new friendships freaked me out. Loneliness is a scary thought.

Life is clearer but at the same time more mysterious. I know Who and What I live for, but wherever that takes me is veiled.

But I'm glad I'm not in this alone. The Lord has blessed me with such awesome friends to make this transition with. I felt much better talking about the big changes in our lives with Ashley.

I had a crazy busy day today having one last dates with some awesome friends, reliving our friendships.

Had a last DG dinner. My girls Emily specifically made me a scrapbook. Oh what a treasure. Everytime I have doubts about my calling, I'm going to look back to that book. Discipleship is so hard to measure...but it's good to know that God is using me for some good.

It has been an amazing four years. I enjoyed and treasured every moment of it as I walked across campus for class, studying, meetings, appointments, campaign blitzes, prayer walks, evangelism. God knew what He was doing when He directed me here. I wouldn't trade it for anything else. Not even Harvard.

Officially Done

Macro in an Open Economy
11:30-1:30
MacKinnon 117

That was my final final of my B.A.

I am officially done my undergraduate.

Weird...

One of the Best Things in the World...

One of the best things in the world has got to be the relief felt upon finishing a paper. There's nothing like the joy in your heart as the last page eases out of the printer, the bounce in your step as you go to hand it in, the weight off of your shoulders. Definitely one of the best feelings in the world, but of course you have to go through at least a week of agonizing stress to reach that point.

Friday was the day that I finished my very last paper of my undergrad. Hip hip hurray, and an extra huzzah! The sun was streaming down on me, as I thoroughly savoured that moment. It seemed like everything in the world was ok.

Application for Graduation

Signed, sealed, and....waiting for it to be delivered. I have applied to graduate.

Shelly Chen
Bachelor of Arts, Honours.
Major International Development
Emphasis Economic and Business Development
Minor Economics

No turning back now. It's terrifying. Graduation is like this oncoming massive locomotive that seems to be rushing towards me. I've worked to get here for the past 16 years of my life. Now that the end is looming, it's like, "So this is it?"

I know I'm on staff and all, but that's the real world. A part of me wants to stay on being a student just so I can stay in the nest.

Grad school anyone?

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Last night it hit me as I was greeting and hugging familiar faces at the Weekly Meeting that this is THE last semester for me to be a part of the wonderful community of C4Cers at Guelph. It has finally sunk in, but I really don't know how to deal with it. Time please stop while I get my head around this.