5 Current Musings On Singleness

1)  Life is so good without boy drama!
What is it about boy drama that just throws you more than anything else it seems?
Unfortunately it seems boy drama is the gauntlet you have to pass through to marriage.
Unless you have an arranged marriage.

2) It's much easier being content with being singleness when you're not over the moon for someone.
But then I start complaining about the lack of Christian men.
Bad on me.

3) I'm incredibly thankful that God hasn't allowed any boy drama into my life in the past few months.

4) There are a lot of perks to being single.

5) I can be content and want to be married at the same time.  They're not exclusive.

YOU Follow Me

Comparison is a dangerous game, and we women play it too often.

In the area of singleness it goes like this:

"So-and-so got a boyfriend, why can't I? I'm just as (insert qualifying adjective here: smart, funny, beautiful, godly, etc... ) as her. Or even more so."

We do it because we think we have a right to a mate and throw a tizzy when we don't get one when we want one.

I know this because I've played this game.

"So-and-so got a man! Why can't I?"

And if not Shelly? What will you do? Give God an ultimatum?

More and more God has been impressing John 21:22 on me. Jesus had just foretold Peter's death, and Peter turns around and asks Jesus about John's future.

Jesus replies:
"If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!"

Along the same veins, I sense God pressing on my heart,
"If it is my will that she gets married, what is that to you? You follow me!"

People may think that I'm being fatalistic in thinking that I might never marry, but at this point a lifetime of singleness is just as possible as marriage. And I don't want to be naive, heading overseas. There may be someone to marry, but there may not be.

Boredom

Ok so I've noticed that boredom has started to become a recurring theme in my life. Not so much "I'm bored. Whaddya wanna do," type of bored, but bored as in "I'm bored with life," type of bored.

It's somewhat unsettling because I have yet to figure out where the heck this is coming from, and ever since burning out I usually have a good handle on my emotional pulse.

Part of me wonders if I'm such a glutton for punishment that I actually get bored when there's a reprieve from the storms of life. Or maybe to put a positive spin on it, it's because I thrive on changes and challenges, and there hasn't been much of that this year.

And I think one of the reasons why I'm so emotionally drained is because I'm...bored. That, and I'm still working on figuring out what it practically means to have Jesus as my joy in everything. Read "in being single."

Singleness and Marshmallows

My desire for a relationship can be compared to that marshmallow experiment that they do with kids.

You know the one where they give a kid a marshmallow, tell her that if she waits, she'll get two more later.  Me being the kid and a man being the marshmallow, and the husband being the second marshmallow.

I've had so many older people tell me if I wait the right guy will come along and then I'll be so happy that I didn't settle for just anyone.

I had and have a hard time believing them.
So I would dive for that first marshmallow whenever I got the chance.
Also because I would think that the first marshmallow was the second marshmallow.
Still following the marshmallow analogy?

This is all to say, I'm seriously impatient amongst other things.


This is why my mum worries.  Can't blame her now. 

I hate to say this, but I find singleness chafing and wait for it, hard.
Surprise!
This has probably been blatantly obvious to everyone around me, but it was only recently today that I could actually admit to myself that I found it hard because I didn't want to admit it.
Because to admit it, would be admitting to weakness. Or at least in my mind anyways.
And to admit it might mean that I might be that girl*, and I'd hate to be that girl.  Although there's been many times this year where I've been that girl to my chagrin.  Anyways I digress.

For me singleness at its worst has been heartbreaking and at its best has been ignored.   And by "ignored" I mean me walking around ignoring that gnawing hunger inside, pretending it's not there, that it doesn't bother me, and that I don't really want a man.  That is what we call a dumb idea.


I honestly haven't had a very clear idea what it means to bring it to the Lord.  I've had some vague ideas for sure, but when it came down to what it tangibly entailed,  I had and still have no clue.  That gaping hole, that gnawing hunger, that overpowering desire, that screams to be filled, I didn't and I don't know what to do with it.   I didn't want to be all "Jesus is my boyfriend," because I don't think that's it and so the best I could muster was the cold shoulder because I didn't want to figure what it really meant to bring it to the Lord either.

I was scared that Jesus might not really fulfill me, and that if He did, that, that would mean no husband for me later.

I know, idolatry, I know.

Yet I still kept it as a pet, and refused to deal with it.

Earlier this year my pastor had gently and lovingly exhorted me to be patient during this season.  It went something along the lines of...
"I've seen many a staff woman get derailed because of this.  He'll come.  Let him grow up more, and in the meantime you can grow up a little yourself." 

I took his words to heart, and it's been reverebrating in my mind ever since.  I've seen the depravity of my own heart and the darkness of my own soul, and I know that it's only by the grace of God that I haven't been derailed yet, but if I continue to keep a pet sin....  

After a sound rebuke from the Lord last week...and boy was it loud and clear,  I figured that it was really time to get serious about surrendering this area to God instead of dilly dallying.

So where to start?
Thinking of singleness as fasting. 

 *How to explain?  that girl encompasses all the traits of the girl, a girl doesn't want to be.  I think every girl has their own concept of that girl.