I Haven't Left the Country Yet

Today I went and bought a phrasebook in preparation for leaving the country.  I thought it would come in handy since I haven't really been overseas in a foreign country without the companionship of someone who knew the language.

S.J. came over later, and I decided to practice a few phrases on her just to make sure that I was getting the pronunciation right because it was somewhat hit and miss sounding it out from the written guide.  She patiently corrected my pronunciations, and we practiced phrases on and off throughout the night.

After we finished packing and eating we went over to her place practicing phrases along the way.  Just as we were stepping into an elevator I was asking S.J.  about negatives with my nose stuck in my  phrasebook, and who should be in the elevator but a local from the very city that I'm going to, who started giggling as soon as I stepped into the elevator.

Apparently the phrasebook had added two extra consonants to the negatives.

She agreed with S.J. about the pronunciation.  We exchanged a few pleasantries about why I was learning a certain South Asian language before she left.  And as soon as she left the elevator she erupted into giggles again.

In My Head

Scenario: Thinking in my head puttering around my apartment.

Me:  It's a little boring not having someone to like.  There's no excitement.  There's no one to look forward to seeing.
Me (Voice of Reason): Wait...no.  Are you saying that you miss and want the drama?!?!


Pause.
My heart seizes up in a mad panic.


Me:  Oh yeah...No.  No, no more drama.  I'm gonna go watch Shahid Kapoor dance now.


I have to admit there is that thrill when you start liking someone, when you see him, talk to him, etc...
But then how easily I forget how fast it goes downhill when the waters get murky murky.

Morale of the story: Girls are stupid too.

This Is Why I'm Still Single

Tonight I spent 4 hours in line rushing the premier of the Black Swan at the TIFF.

In four hours I managed to:
1) Get someone kicked out of line because they butted right. in. front. of. me.
2) Almost get a scalper arrested because he was selling one ticket for triple the price.
C'mon man at least be smart about it if you're going to scalp.
3) Get interviewed by a reporter after stomping to the front of the line to complain, yet again that people were butting.
4) All in all raise a bit of hell.

This is why boys don't want to date me.
And the people in line agreed.

This is also why my boss once said, "I'm really glad you're a Christian [because of the things you'd do if you weren't.]

In case you were wondering; I took it as a compliment and was very pleased.

Oh and, no we didn't get to go see the film.

My Life: the Chick Flick

From the producers of "He's Just Not That Into You" and the "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" comes a heartwarming tale of love, friendship, and self-discovery as two friends escape to Hawaii to mend their broken hearts.  Through hilarious twists and turns, the girls discover that sometimes love is closer than you think.   

Starring: Aishwarya Rai, Maggie Cheung, and other hot young Hollywood men

Booyakalakashaka

Scene:  So my roommate just got a job at my favourite cafe in Toronto, Hotel Gelato.

Cute Barista (my nickname for the guy who always serves me):  So how'd you hear about this?
Roomie:  Well my roommate always comes here.  She's a regular.
CB:  Oh really?  What does she look like?  Maybe I know her.
Roomie:  Well she's Asian.
CB:  Is she hot?
Roomie:  Erm...I don't know.  I'm a girl, and I'm not attracted to girls.  And I'm not attracted to Asians.  She's not ugly.
CB:  I think I know who she is...She's REALLY HOT.

Of course it could be some other really hot asian girl, but I haven't come across any in my frequent visits there so I'm going to assume it's me, and allow my ego to be thoroughly stroked.  :)

Five BAD Reasons to Serve Somewhere Overseas Long Term

1.  You drool over the clothing.
2.  You also drool over the food.
3.  And the actors...
4.  And the music and the dancing.
5.  You want to knock off some tourist sites off your bucket list.
 

My New Comebacks and Excuses

Comebacks
1) "You're so lucky I found Jesus."
Note:  I will be ignoring the theological implications.

2) "Thanks for nothing you useless reptile."

Excuses
1) "It's the heroin."

Behind Closed Doors

Scene: Breakfast
Schnurgh Schnurgh:  Awww...my roommate made me breakfast.
Me:  For all the times you brought me the tissue box.


Scene: I just broke my favourite mug.

Me: i just broke my favourite mug!!!!!  T___________T

BFF: oh noooo 

which one?  how?

Me: starbucks

coffee beans

i'm actually upset

tear

BFF: oh dear

Me: well actually

BFF: maybe you could find another one?

Me: the handle broke off

so it can still be used

BFF: oooh you can get superglue

and glue the handle on!

Me: umm..the handle shattered into many pieces much like my heart a month ago

drama queen? yes, i am

Scene: I am relating this conversation to Schnurgh Schnurgh who is sitting across from me.

Me: So I just told my BFF that my heart shattered into many pieces much like my mug.

Schnurgh Schnurgh: Did you clean it up?

Me: Of course I did!

Schnurgh Schnurgh: Ok, cause I don't want someone to come over and slit their leg open...

Me: Like my heart!

Schnurgh Schnurgh: NO!  Oh dear, you're going to relate this to every person's tragic experience.

Schnurgh Schnurgh mimicking potential conversation: 

"I'm dying." 

"Just like I did!"

Scene: Watching a Bollywood dance scene on Youtube.

Me: Oh we can take dance lessons when we move to India!

Time passes...

Me: I want to go to the Taj Mahal

Schnurgh Schnurgh: I want to go to Kerala.  

Time passes...

Schnurgh Schnurgh: Did you know that the Taj Mahal is sinking?

Silence

Schnurgh Schnurgh: Oh you didn't say it!

Me: LIKE MY HEART!!!

Schnurgh Schnurgh:  NOO

Scene: Puttering Around the Apartment
Me: Sigh.  I need to install Parallels.  I get so distracted.  
Schnurgh Schnurgh:  Did you just say "heroin"?
Me: NO!  I said 'Parallels'.
Schnurgh Schnurgh: THEY DON'T EVEN RHYME.  In my head I was thinking 'My roommate is a heroin addict.  Is this what she does on her day off?  I don't want to be here on Mondays.'

It Is Date Season

I thoroughly enjoy my guy friends that I work with for many reasons, but definitely at the top of the list is their spectacular sense of humour.

K.M. via S.A. on gchat:

Mcdonald's coupons came in the mail.
That means it is date season.

That, ladies and gentlemen made my day.

Portugoose

Today I played real estate agent for A.B. and T.L.

Scene: In reference to his email address.

The owner: Do you know what a portugoose is?
Me: No...
The owner: Do you know what Portuguese is?
Me: Yes
The owner: Well Portuguese is many geese and Portugoose is one goose. You know like Canada Geese and Canada Goose.
Me: Oh, hahaha

'Round and 'Round In Circles

A Typical Conversation With Mom

Me: So what do you want to talk about?
Mum: Let's talk about your "ge ren wen ti".

Literally translated it means personal problem/question.

Me: There's nothing to talk about. There's no one.
Mum: You need to look broader....As long as he's Christian by the time you marry him. You shouldn't be so stubborn and set on marrying someone within your group.
(Group being C4C staff.)
Me: I don't want to talk about this anymore. You know why I want to marry staff.
Mum: I'm just worried that once everyone's married off you'll panic and just pick some random guy.
Me: I'm the one who has higher standards here.
Mum: And even if you can wait it out what if you get married really late? It'll be dangerous for you to have children.
Me: Who's the one panicking here?
Mum: Me...
Me: See?
Mum: You just need to start dating soon. You don't have to get married. Just start dating.

I never thought that I'd hear that from her. It's always been, don't date.

Mum: You just need to find a good man. He doesn't have to be on staff.
Me: Good men are hard to find.
Mum: Why is your pastor waiting? Why is he not setting you up?
Me: Because there's no one to set me up with?
Mum: But what if nothing happens if you keep waiting? You already know there's no one interested in you in your group. What are you waiting for?
Me: It's not me mum. I'm waiting on God.

Mum: You need to do something about it.
Me: What would you like me to do? Go chase men?
Mum: Nonononono...Of course not. Ok, we'll keep praying. We'll pray.
Me: Yup. Keep praying.

Then it starts back up again at the next conversation.

I use to get really frustrated, but now I'm just amused.

Dum Move of the Day

SA: In DG, we call him, Captain Obvious.
Me: Why do you do that?

Peals of laughter result.

CRAP! I Just Ate My Prince?!

The Scene: Dinner at one of my aunties after spending the afternoon watching The Princess and the Frog. My auntie waltzes in with a stack of pizzas, one of which is BBQ chicken by special request... mine.

Auntie L.H.: "Guess what Shell, they had BBQ chicken. What my baby niece wants my baby niece gets."

Me perking up at the opportunity: "How about Prince Charming?"

Auntie L.H.: "Except that."

Me: "I guess I'll just have to start kissing frogs."

[Amphibians that is, not creepy humans. Too bad that we already had Kermit and his friends for dinner a few nights ago. That is exactly why the princess in the Princess and the Frog would never be Chinese. She'd eat him before he ever got his kiss.]

Auntie L.H.: "No, you just need to start hitting up more bars. That's where I met my Prince Charming."

[Please note: that my auntie is one of the sweetest non-sketchy women out there, but she actually did meet my uncle at a bar. He happens to be a very godly man. A great husband and father. Good-looking too.]

Me: "I'm going to quote you on that!"

Auntie L.H.: "Don't tell your mom I said that."

Cousin S.S.: "Just stay away from the New Mexico [something] toads."

Words of Comfort

Dad: S. do you have a headache?

[I was sprawled out in shotgun with a grimace on my face.]

Me: Noooo....I'm just queasy. I want to ralph again.

Mom: That's ok, even if you do, you have nothing left in your stomach.

[The night before was spent kneeling on ice cold tile floors retching into Mr. Toilet $20 worth of the best sushi you can get on this continent.]

There you go pragmatic words of comfort.

Quality Time With My Mom

CONTEXT: Lunch at my favourite sushi place and I just complained about my mom nagging me.

Mum: "Just you wait and see, if you don't end up nagging your kids, then my name isn't Zhou (Her maiden name)."

Me: Pause. "But your name isn't Zhou." (Her name is Jacobs now.)

Mum: Silence. Then she starts back peddling.

Me: 1 Mom: 0

CONTEXT: Working at Starbucks. I'm on my laptop. She's doing a cross stitch. There is a hyper little boy looking over her shoulders and peppering her with questions.

Mum: He's so annoying.

Me: But you want grandkids. This is good practice.

Mum: They won't be like this.

Me: You never know.

Me: 2 Mom: 0

Hehehehehe....

Boymongoose

Because Girls are Superficial Too...

You know guys are given a hard time for being superficial when it comes to the opposite gender, but if we're really honest, girls are really superficial too.

The Scene: While watching New Moon:

"Ooooo...he's CUTE! And I think he's around my age? Uh? Shelly, he's 17. You're 24. That's SEVEN years older." CRAP.

The Scene: After the movie.

Friend: "I would totally throw myself off a motorcycle for a guy like that to take his shirt off for me."

Me: {insert train of thought from duration of movie.}

Friend: "Crap. I take back what I said about the motorcycle, but not really."

Later on...

Friend: "24 and looking at younger men..."

Me: "And so it starts."

(It = cougar tendencies.)

So this is all to say, Bollywood and New Moon are doing nothing for me and having realistic expectations.

Public Service Announcement:
Men in real life do not usually have eight packs. Nor are their chests usually meticulously hairless and oiled. You want character. CHA-RAC-TER. Repeat continuously.

Words of Wisdom

"Just go watch Twilight and fall in love with some pale faced dude."

My best friend, ladies and gentlemen.

You Know There's Too Many Starbucks When...

THE PLAN: Meet B.M. for coffee before small group at Starbucks at Yonge and Eglinton at 5:30pm

Simple enough right?

Wrong.

It took me 30 minutes and running back and forth between two Starbucks multiple times to figure out there's another one around the corner where B.M.'s actually at.

Household Fun

SJ: Where's the cheese grater?
Me: Your ma---. Crap. I was going to say your mom's a cheese grater.

Filler convo.

SJ: I won't kill you if you tell me where the cheese grater is.
Me: It's somewhere.
SJ: Somewhere?
Me: It's somewhere in the kitchen.

--------------------------------------------------

SJ: We need an ugly naked guy like Friends.
Me: We DO!!! (Gestures across the way to the other building.)

Later on...

SJ: We're like Friends on estrogen without the crazy sex lives.