The New Neighbourhood

Sing to the melody of "12 Days of Christmas".

On the first day of moving to my new neighbourhood I found:

5 restaurants
4 coffee shops
3 pharmacies
2 small grocery stores/ adult shops
1 TD bank/ art gallery/market/ indie bookstore

...within a 5 minute walking distance.

Looks like we're going to have all we need at our finger tips.

Despite my reservation or maybe because of my reservation of having to move out of Toronto, I feel quite blessed with our new place.
It's like God saying, "See, I'm taking care of you."
(And Him knowing what a wimp I am, but that's another post for another day.)

Our apartment is in a very beautiful, classy neighbourhood*, with plenty of amenities and beautiful old architecture.  For the first time we decided to move to Hamilton I felt a bit of excitement and hope that I might enjoy living in Hamilton after all.

Coffee shops and a bookstore within walking distance.  I can't ask for more than that.  It's definitely an upgrade from my current neighbourhood, which is literally on the wrong side of the tracks.

Anyways I am thankful.

Here is a picture of the outside of our digs:

*Classy with the exception of the adult shops.  It was such a shock to the system to see them.  I remember thinking "I don't want Tony to be walking by these all the time", but it was also a bit funny that they would be in the kind of neighbourhood that has cute coffee shops and trendy bistros serving ethnic food.

Boredom

Ok so I've noticed that boredom has started to become a recurring theme in my life. Not so much "I'm bored. Whaddya wanna do," type of bored, but bored as in "I'm bored with life," type of bored.

It's somewhat unsettling because I have yet to figure out where the heck this is coming from, and ever since burning out I usually have a good handle on my emotional pulse.

Part of me wonders if I'm such a glutton for punishment that I actually get bored when there's a reprieve from the storms of life. Or maybe to put a positive spin on it, it's because I thrive on changes and challenges, and there hasn't been much of that this year.

And I think one of the reasons why I'm so emotionally drained is because I'm...bored. That, and I'm still working on figuring out what it practically means to have Jesus as my joy in everything. Read "in being single."

25

25.
Twenty five.
Two.  Five.

Wow.  I can't believe we're here already.  And of course by "we" I mean "me".

25.

25 has always been a BIG birthday in my mind growing up along with
10 (double digits baby),
16 (sweet  16),
18 (officially an adult),
20 (the twenties!!!),
and I didn't really want to think about it after that because in my mind it all went downhill after the big 2-5.

25.  Man.

25 has always been a very daunting birthday because I had always felt pressured by our culture to "have it all together" by this time.

I'm suppose to have "arrived" by now.

Not only that, but there were also self-imposed expectations to be so incredibly accomplished that I would stand out above the crowd.

25.

The expectations were so, that as I inched closer to 25, I would have mini panic attacks every time I evaluated my life.  Followed by much self-loathing, much condemnation, much guilt, and much despair.  Then by the grace of God,  a few years ago, a little something called "burnout" happened....

25.

I don't have it all together.
I don't have it all figured out.
I don't think I ever will.

And I'm so ok with that.

Life will always be a journey...until I die.
God will always be teaching me and refining me.
I'm excited to see what He'll do, and follow Him wherever He calls.

25.

By God's grace you have become a birthday of hope instead a birthday of despair.

Tears

As I proceed more and more with this whole, "I'm packing up my life and moving next year" bit I keep thinking that next year will be full of tears, and I'm ok with that.  It's part of the transition.

I told J.S. today that I can fully see myself one month in, sobbing over McDonald's chicken nuggets wailing, 

"I miiiiiiiissss Canada."

As one STINTer told me: "Expect the worst.  Hope for the best."

If I'm challenging students to go for broke in missions, by God's grace I should be able to do the same.

On a side note: the fact that I can facebomb anyone at a click does comfort me.

So South Asia, Eh? What It All Came Down To Part 2

South Asia was a gut decision.

I knew I wanted to stay with my organization because I knew they would take care of me if anything happened overseas.  They wouldn't leave me for dead.

I knew I wanted to go and was called to the 10/40 window.

So that left me with 3 choices:

North Africa

East Asia

South Asia

North Africa was and is still a place I would love to visit, but what pull it had for me to move there permanently, was eclipsed by the pull for South Asia.

Everyone had me pegged for East Asia.  I had me pegged for East Asia.  But being there this past summer I couldn't see me staying longer than 3 years, and I have to be honest, I really don't like moving around.  I had initially considered moving there next year, this past summer...because they were sending to South Asia, but since we're already going there, I figure might as well bypass the middle man.

So South Asia.

There was and there is this inexplicable pull to the immense brokenness that exists in general and also to the brokenness caused by the prevalent religious system.    

The new city model of ministry drew me.

The pioneering aspect of the partnership intrigued me.  

I saw long term potential.  i.e.   5+ years.  Remember, I hate moving.  For a movement to develop, continuity is key.  Someone needs to stay to learn from mistakes, not repeat them, and pass on the wisdom to newbies.

The fact that the city has an arts scene helped too.  

As well as the fact that I drool buckets over the local food, and can't get enough.  I'm seriously looking forward to eating copious amounts without paying the big bucks that I do here in Canada.  

But I'm not going to lie,  I will probably be McDonald's best customer in that city by the end of the year.

I think I'm crazy for wanting to do this, and whenever I pass South Asians on campus (which is quite a lot), I often ask myself, "Are you sure?  They're moving here."

But no one else is clamoring to go.

Stay, Stay, Stay

It's funny how once I finalized my decision to leave Canada,
everything familiar,
everything comfortable,
everything safe,
everything fun,
everything and
everyone loved
began to tug on my heartstrings, beckoning me to
stay, stay, stay.

Voices whisper and call out insistently,
"Everything's finally falling into place.  
Stay, stay, stay.

You've finally hit your stride on campus.  
You're thriving in ministry now.
Stay, stay, stay.

Things are finally going well.  
You're not burned out anymore.
You've solid community at work and at church.
Stay, stay, stay.  

You have a wonderful team.
Your friends love you and enjoy you, and you, them.
Stay, stay, stay.

Stay, stay, stay.
If not forever, at least for a few more years." 

These very good reasons to stay, are the very good reasons to leave.
Because it means I'll be leaving in a healthy and good state.

Not burnt out.
Not empty.
Not running away.

If I stayed for every good reason, I'll never leave. 
Because there will always be a reason to stay.
It's time to go.

That Bend Around the Road

Actually, I see the bend around the road and what it holds for at least the next year.  (I think.)
I just have to  take a breathe and take the leap of faith.

Speaking of leaps, Hawaii's taught me about jumping off high places.
You build up the capacity to jump off higher and higher places.

I feel strong enough for this upcoming leap.

Option # 767

Option #767:

Move to Maui and become a tattoo artist.

Choices, Choices, Choices

Option #: 731
Move to Vancouver.

Reasons:
1) Mountains
2) Ocean
3) Better fobby Asian places than Toronto
4) The artsy fartsy- ness of it all
5) 3 Hours by plane closer to parentals
6) Friends

The scariness of uncertainty has worn off (somewhat), and thankfully, I'm getting excited about the adventure that this quarter-life/mid-life crisis will bring.  There's so much to explore and so much to learn about life, God, and myself.

There are so many choices, but having a lot of choices may not necessarily be better in a sense because it really complicates the decision.  And it seems like a new option pops up every week.

At this point, I wonder... if I can just do it all.

Homesick

I miss Guelph.
A lot.

Not just the people, but the city and the school itself.
The beauty, the memories, the dreams and the aspirations the university embodied.

Not that Toronto is worse. Not that Toronto is better.
Toronto is just different.
Not that I don't like Toronto. I do. Immensely so.

It's just that Guelph holds a special place in my heart.
It was the place where dreams came true.
Where I came into my own. Where I grew up.
My home.

Goodbye. Hello.

Goodbye Guelph. Hello Toronto.
Goodbye 519. Hello 647.
Goodbye small town. Hello big city.
Goodbye uni-cultural. Hello diversity.
Goodbye blue sky. Hello smog.
Goodbye open streets. Hello congestion.
Goodbye Zehrs. Hello T&T.
Goodbye instant foods. Hello planned meals.
Goodbye house. Hello high rise apartment.
Goodbye mismatched furniture. Hello IKEA.
Goodbye sweats. Hello fashion.
Goodbye student life. Hello staff life.
Goodbye stressful studying. Hello fun learning.
Goodbye carefree (relatively) life. Hello life of responsibility (yet still fun).
Goodbye Guelph. Hello T.O.

I'm officially back in Toronto.