I hear it all the time.
God is gracious.
His grace is unlimited.
By His grace...
The word grace or some version of it is thrown around so often that I've taken it for granted.
"Yeah, of course, God is gracious. That's who He is."
Grace becomes assumed, expected, and undervalued.
But I forget the cost of grace. The pain of it all.
I forget what has to be endured and born so that grace can be extended because someone has to shoulder the consequences.
I forget until I have to give grace myself.
Grace is not easily given to others.
Grace is painful to give.
For me.
And more often than not it needs to be given, again and again, and again.
How much more painful it is for God.
How much more magnanimous is His character in this light.
How much worthy of praise is He.
Showing posts with label Walking on Water. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Walking on Water. Show all posts
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
What Time Is It?
It's TOOL time!
Anyone get the reference? It's from Home Improvement.
There are days when I feel like a complete and total tool, and today is one of those days. I've been doing some work in preparing for Orientation week at Ryerson for Campus for Christ in the past day or so, and I think I've hit the proverbial PANIC!!! button multiple times already. (Hangs head in shame.) Just when I thought I've mellowed and matured, I go and spazz out.
It's my first major responsibility since burning out, and the self- imposed Asian pressure to perform is holding a knife to my throat. I feel the need to perform and to perform well to prove my worth to myself, to my team, to my supporters, and to my organization, that I'm worthy of being on staff and that I'm not a dead weight because there have been days this past year where I've wondered if Power to Change would get more bang out of their buck if they hired someone else. Someone smarter, healthier, wiser, with more capacity, with more skills, who knows more languages, loves God more, knows the Bible better, is more faithful, etc...because you know there's plenty of people out there that fit into those categories. Now I feel the need to go talk to my shrink. Heh. :P
And ladies and gentlemen that is one of the biggest lies I've ever swallowed.
Because before God I am called to this ministry, and He has approved me, warts and all. And that is all that matters.
Because it's not about me.
It's not about me proving my worth the first week back to school.
It's about God and making His name known on campus.
It's not about me bemoaning my weaknesses.
It's about God and making His strength known through my weaknesses.
It's not even about having the picture perfect plans.
It's about trusting in Him and His sovereignty, and walking in faith.
Now I just need to play that over, and over, and over, and over, and over in my head.
So today's one of those "tool days", but they're good when I have the right perspective; a small view of me and a big view of God.
Anyone get the reference? It's from Home Improvement.
There are days when I feel like a complete and total tool, and today is one of those days. I've been doing some work in preparing for Orientation week at Ryerson for Campus for Christ in the past day or so, and I think I've hit the proverbial PANIC!!! button multiple times already. (Hangs head in shame.) Just when I thought I've mellowed and matured, I go and spazz out.
It's my first major responsibility since burning out, and the self- imposed Asian pressure to perform is holding a knife to my throat. I feel the need to perform and to perform well to prove my worth to myself, to my team, to my supporters, and to my organization, that I'm worthy of being on staff and that I'm not a dead weight because there have been days this past year where I've wondered if Power to Change would get more bang out of their buck if they hired someone else. Someone smarter, healthier, wiser, with more capacity, with more skills, who knows more languages, loves God more, knows the Bible better, is more faithful, etc...because you know there's plenty of people out there that fit into those categories. Now I feel the need to go talk to my shrink. Heh. :P
And ladies and gentlemen that is one of the biggest lies I've ever swallowed.
Because before God I am called to this ministry, and He has approved me, warts and all. And that is all that matters.
Because it's not about me.
It's not about me proving my worth the first week back to school.
It's about God and making His name known on campus.
It's not about me bemoaning my weaknesses.
It's about God and making His strength known through my weaknesses.
It's not even about having the picture perfect plans.
It's about trusting in Him and His sovereignty, and walking in faith.
Now I just need to play that over, and over, and over, and over, and over in my head.
So today's one of those "tool days", but they're good when I have the right perspective; a small view of me and a big view of God.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Fighting God
The thought of not reporting until next semester throws me into a mental hissy fit as I try to fight against God to prevent it from happening.
You'd think I'd learn by now not to fight Him on things which are utterly out of my control, meaning most things in life. Like marriage and ministry partner development. Just as I can't possibly orchestrate the circumstances to marry myself off and to the right guy at that, I can't possibly bring in the support myself. I can't move hearts. He can. He's going to bring the funds in, in His time whether I whine, complain, cry, or just go along with it and persevere with joy.
We can do this the hard way or the easy way. The road's got to be traveled, but it's up to me how enjoyable the journey's going to be.
I concede. Ministry partner development is hard.
However long You want Lord. I'll stick it out.
You'd think I'd learn by now not to fight Him on things which are utterly out of my control, meaning most things in life. Like marriage and ministry partner development. Just as I can't possibly orchestrate the circumstances to marry myself off and to the right guy at that, I can't possibly bring in the support myself. I can't move hearts. He can. He's going to bring the funds in, in His time whether I whine, complain, cry, or just go along with it and persevere with joy.
We can do this the hard way or the easy way. The road's got to be traveled, but it's up to me how enjoyable the journey's going to be.
I concede. Ministry partner development is hard.
However long You want Lord. I'll stick it out.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Hope Deferred, Hope Restored
Steadily they passed; deadlines that I had set for myself to be on campus.
August 17th, September 1st, September 24th, September 29th, October 1st.
Meanwhile I sat frustrated not knowing what to pray anymore, or expect anymore. This certainly was not what I had expected back in May. I had expected to be on campus by now. Hope, that I would soon report started to leak out of me as contacts dwindled taking with it, momentum to continue raising support. It's as they say:Hope deferred makes the heart sick Psalm 13:12.
This morning I sat immobilized in front of my laptop unwilling to do anything to raise support because I was sure of the answer that I would get; NO. What was the point? I sat there, willing myself to do something, anything, but I couldn't. So I went and sat at the Lord's feet, and this verse came to mind.
I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.
PSALM 121:1-2
My help comes from the Lord. He is my hope. Not people and not their responses. My hope lies in Christ. When hope is placed on people or anything else other than Christ, it's bound to be dashed, but when it is placed on God, He will never fail.
August 17th, September 1st, September 24th, September 29th, October 1st.
Meanwhile I sat frustrated not knowing what to pray anymore, or expect anymore. This certainly was not what I had expected back in May. I had expected to be on campus by now. Hope, that I would soon report started to leak out of me as contacts dwindled taking with it, momentum to continue raising support. It's as they say:Hope deferred makes the heart sick Psalm 13:12.
This morning I sat immobilized in front of my laptop unwilling to do anything to raise support because I was sure of the answer that I would get; NO. What was the point? I sat there, willing myself to do something, anything, but I couldn't. So I went and sat at the Lord's feet, and this verse came to mind.
I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.
PSALM 121:1-2
My help comes from the Lord. He is my hope. Not people and not their responses. My hope lies in Christ. When hope is placed on people or anything else other than Christ, it's bound to be dashed, but when it is placed on God, He will never fail.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
The Sovereignty of God
Can I just say how much I LOVE the sovereignty of God?
It's.
simply.
amazing.
He is in full and complete control.
No matter how many stupid things I say and do, He is Sovereign over all.
He cannot be screwed up by me.
It's beautiful.
Love it.
It's.
simply.
amazing.
He is in full and complete control.
No matter how many stupid things I say and do, He is Sovereign over all.
He cannot be screwed up by me.
It's beautiful.
Love it.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Waiting
I don't wait well. I wait better than I did two years ago, but I know I don't wait well. So the following passage from Girl Talk came at a good time.
"Waiting on God isn't about the suspension of meaning and purpose. It's part of the meaning and purpose that God has brought into my life. Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn't simply about what I'll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I'll become as I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He's promised. Through the wait He's changing me. By means of the wait He's altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He's causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all of this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive hands."
However even though I know what it says to be true, part of me is getting really tired of waiting for my support to come in. The issue is not whether it's going to come in, but WHEN. And the when isn't happening fast enough for me. I feel like such a tool sitting around waiting for contacts. Just what exactly am I suppose to be learning here? I wish I knew. Then I'll rock that lesson and get out of here. But again not my timing but the Lord's.
"Waiting on God isn't about the suspension of meaning and purpose. It's part of the meaning and purpose that God has brought into my life. Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn't simply about what I'll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I'll become as I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He's promised. Through the wait He's changing me. By means of the wait He's altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He's causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all of this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive hands."
However even though I know what it says to be true, part of me is getting really tired of waiting for my support to come in. The issue is not whether it's going to come in, but WHEN. And the when isn't happening fast enough for me. I feel like such a tool sitting around waiting for contacts. Just what exactly am I suppose to be learning here? I wish I knew. Then I'll rock that lesson and get out of here. But again not my timing but the Lord's.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
In Hindsight Jesus' Always Right
I don't know when exactly, but I do remember in the folly of my youth I ranted online to the entire world wondering why I couldn't have met someone in university, got married, and then joined staff. Might I emphasize the fact that this happened during the FOLLY OF MY YOUTH. Henceforth known as "FOMY".
In hindsight Jesus is Sovereign, and I praise Him that He is. MPD is enough work as it is. I can't imagine adding the stress of graduation, transitioning to another stage in life, beginning a marriage in addition to MPD. That would have been madness. I think I would've died or killed my new hubby. Praise God that He knew and knows best. Props to my friends who have done it, and thank God they're still alive. I'm completely content as a cheshire cat to do MPD alone. Less stress and more air time. Can you imagine doing the VACA on half the time? I speed talk as it is.
It's a similar story with STINT. For three years I had planned on going overseas right after graduation. Praise God that He is sovereign and that He thwarted my plans. As much as I love Asia, graduating, raising support, and moving to a different continent all in four months would've been too much for me. Granted yes, I could've done it on the Lord's strength, but I'm so glad He didn't ask it of me.
I like my new apartment. I like my new roommates. I like my new staff team. I like Toronto. I love Jesus.
So what about my current situation? Well, I would love to be on campus right now, but the Lord is Sovereign. Something good will come of this, like an increase in my Japanese vocabulary and hearing comprehension due to an increased consumption of J-drama, anime, and J-pop. That'll definitely come in handy if and when the Japanese partnership goes through. Yippee! Please Lord, let that be soon.
Side Note: The traditional Chinese in me is so going to go on a guilt trip if and when my Japanese literacy exceeds my Chinese literacy even though my Chinese literacy will increase as a by product of learning Japanese. But there is just so much more incentive so study Japanese.
In hindsight Jesus is Sovereign, and I praise Him that He is. MPD is enough work as it is. I can't imagine adding the stress of graduation, transitioning to another stage in life, beginning a marriage in addition to MPD. That would have been madness. I think I would've died or killed my new hubby. Praise God that He knew and knows best. Props to my friends who have done it, and thank God they're still alive. I'm completely content as a cheshire cat to do MPD alone. Less stress and more air time. Can you imagine doing the VACA on half the time? I speed talk as it is.
It's a similar story with STINT. For three years I had planned on going overseas right after graduation. Praise God that He is sovereign and that He thwarted my plans. As much as I love Asia, graduating, raising support, and moving to a different continent all in four months would've been too much for me. Granted yes, I could've done it on the Lord's strength, but I'm so glad He didn't ask it of me.
I like my new apartment. I like my new roommates. I like my new staff team. I like Toronto. I love Jesus.
So what about my current situation? Well, I would love to be on campus right now, but the Lord is Sovereign. Something good will come of this, like an increase in my Japanese vocabulary and hearing comprehension due to an increased consumption of J-drama, anime, and J-pop. That'll definitely come in handy if and when the Japanese partnership goes through. Yippee! Please Lord, let that be soon.
Side Note: The traditional Chinese in me is so going to go on a guilt trip if and when my Japanese literacy exceeds my Chinese literacy even though my Chinese literacy will increase as a by product of learning Japanese. But there is just so much more incentive so study Japanese.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Discipline VS Pruning
Yesterday my Aunt Mel and I hiked up to the Romero Pools in Catalina State Park. It was an AMAZING hike. We were in the desert, but there were all these cool vegetation around. As we hiked I got to pick my aunt's brain about marriage, children, and family. It was really cool to hear her stories and her perspective on stuff. Sort of like an informal discipleship time.
When we got to the pools she read to me from the book The Secrets of the Vine by Bruce Wilkinson. It just so happened that the chapter was on pruning. The main wisdom that I gleaned from the chapter was that there's a significant difference between discipline and pruning even though both are uncomfortable. The Lord uses discipline to bring us out of sin while He prunes to make us bring forth more fruit. There was a whole chart on it.
It struck a chord with me because this whole time I've been viewing Ministry Partner Development (MPD) as sort of a disciplining process. Coming at it from that perspective, I was trying to think of all the sin that I could possibly commit so as to avoid them so that I could finish MPD faster. But now I realize that it is more of a pruning process that God uses so that I would be more fruitful in the future. This makes me so much more willing to endure the discomfort and so much more willing to go through a longer process. I thank Him for this lesson learned the easier way.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
It Just So Happened...
Before I left Guelph for Olympia, I had asked my mom to ask her friend if I could speak at their church, meet their pastor, etc... to develop ministry partners. The answer that I got was that usually they don't allow random people to speak, and that they didn't have a pastor yet as they're a church plant. So I just let it go thinking God had other plans.
When we arrived in Olympia it just so happened that on one of the nights that we were there someone had to deliver the program for Sunday to my "auntie". It just so happened that, that someone turned out to be the "leader" of the church who was introduced to me, who asked me for my testimony and calling, who then invited me to speak at the college/careers group, and at the end of that meeting, invited me to speak at the service on Sunday. Praise God!
By the end of the visit, various contacts were made, plans were cemented for a return trip in July for official MPD appointments, and I was fully supported for MET. I had left Ontario with about $500 in cheques and pledges for MET. I was assuming that the rest would come in after I left, and Becky would bring them to MET with her. I also brought my MasterCard just in case...But in Olympia, my auntie and her husband gave me a cheque and the church gave me a cheque that just pushed me right over. I definitely didn't see that one coming. God is SO good.
Around this time I was going through Mark Driscoll's series on Ruth, and one of the themes he was teaching on was the theme of God's invisible hand of providence. I definitely saw God's hand of providence in Olympia. Praise the LORD!
When we arrived in Olympia it just so happened that on one of the nights that we were there someone had to deliver the program for Sunday to my "auntie". It just so happened that, that someone turned out to be the "leader" of the church who was introduced to me, who asked me for my testimony and calling, who then invited me to speak at the college/careers group, and at the end of that meeting, invited me to speak at the service on Sunday. Praise God!
By the end of the visit, various contacts were made, plans were cemented for a return trip in July for official MPD appointments, and I was fully supported for MET. I had left Ontario with about $500 in cheques and pledges for MET. I was assuming that the rest would come in after I left, and Becky would bring them to MET with her. I also brought my MasterCard just in case...But in Olympia, my auntie and her husband gave me a cheque and the church gave me a cheque that just pushed me right over. I definitely didn't see that one coming. God is SO good.
Around this time I was going through Mark Driscoll's series on Ruth, and one of the themes he was teaching on was the theme of God's invisible hand of providence. I definitely saw God's hand of providence in Olympia. Praise the LORD!
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