Tears

As I proceed more and more with this whole, "I'm packing up my life and moving next year" bit I keep thinking that next year will be full of tears, and I'm ok with that.  It's part of the transition.

I told J.S. today that I can fully see myself one month in, sobbing over McDonald's chicken nuggets wailing, 

"I miiiiiiiissss Canada."

As one STINTer told me: "Expect the worst.  Hope for the best."

If I'm challenging students to go for broke in missions, by God's grace I should be able to do the same.

On a side note: the fact that I can facebomb anyone at a click does comfort me.

What the God of Love Can Do

Though afflicted, tempest tossed,
comfortless awhile thou art,
do not think thou can be lost,
thou art graven on my heart;
all thy wastes I will repair;
thou shalt be rebuilt anew;
and in thee it shall appear
what the God of love can do.

Pensive, Doubting, Fearful Heart by John Newton

I am often tempted to think that the past two years have been eaten by the locusts of burnout and depression.

Wasted.
Gone.
Never to be reclaimed.

So I cried when the Lord started whispering to my heart in the spring, "not so."

And in the summer, "not so."

"I am repairing and building you up for something more."
"You will see what I can do."

I am seeing what the God of love can do with two years of darkness, and I am amazed.
That He can use two years of darkness to heal the brokenness of 20 some odd years.
That He can use two years of shattered pieces and hopelessness to bring wholeness and hope.
That He is rebuilding anew.

 So again when He whispered this morning, "You will see what I can do..."

I cried.

Five Good Things

1.  Editing photos.  It's like icing a cupcake after you've baked it.
2.  Fresh flowers.  Even better when they're free.  Except when you find a slug, an inchworm, and an ant crawling on them afterward.
3.  Taking some sweet time to connect with the Lord, process, and process, and process.
4.  Finally tackling that mountain of admin work that's been hanging over your head like a guillotine.
5.  Drinking all the yummy tea I want.

If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love.*

*For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly.

If by Amy Carmichael

So South Asia, Eh? What It All Came Down To Part 2

South Asia was a gut decision.

I knew I wanted to stay with my organization because I knew they would take care of me if anything happened overseas.  They wouldn't leave me for dead.

I knew I wanted to go and was called to the 10/40 window.

So that left me with 3 choices:

North Africa

East Asia

South Asia

North Africa was and is still a place I would love to visit, but what pull it had for me to move there permanently, was eclipsed by the pull for South Asia.

Everyone had me pegged for East Asia.  I had me pegged for East Asia.  But being there this past summer I couldn't see me staying longer than 3 years, and I have to be honest, I really don't like moving around.  I had initially considered moving there next year, this past summer...because they were sending to South Asia, but since we're already going there, I figure might as well bypass the middle man.

So South Asia.

There was and there is this inexplicable pull to the immense brokenness that exists in general and also to the brokenness caused by the prevalent religious system.    

The new city model of ministry drew me.

The pioneering aspect of the partnership intrigued me.  

I saw long term potential.  i.e.   5+ years.  Remember, I hate moving.  For a movement to develop, continuity is key.  Someone needs to stay to learn from mistakes, not repeat them, and pass on the wisdom to newbies.

The fact that the city has an arts scene helped too.  

As well as the fact that I drool buckets over the local food, and can't get enough.  I'm seriously looking forward to eating copious amounts without paying the big bucks that I do here in Canada.  

But I'm not going to lie,  I will probably be McDonald's best customer in that city by the end of the year.

I think I'm crazy for wanting to do this, and whenever I pass South Asians on campus (which is quite a lot), I often ask myself, "Are you sure?  They're moving here."

But no one else is clamoring to go.

The Birthday List

As requested by my roommates because apparently it actually helps the shopping process.

1.  A huge pot that can hold enough soup for 20 people because I can't cook in small quantities

2.  Pretty headbands from Forever 21

3.  Blank Canvases

4.  Coconut Cream Chai from Tealish

5.  Jasmine/Gardenia/Plant/Flowers  

6.  Red Wine

7.  Big Bang Theory Season 2 and 3

8.  Top 40/Bollywood Music

9.  Books

10.  Lots, lots, and lots of attention.  I am an only child.
11.  Thoughtful, well-written, meaningful birthday cards.  
12.  Laughter

Matt and Leah Engaged!

What I love the most about engagement shoots is that the love between the two people is so palpable even if they don't feel comfortable in front of the camera.  All I have to say is, forget the camera look at each other, and then voila.

Matt and Leah were soo super cute and in love.  It was suppose to be the "hardest" shoot for me thus far according to Matt since he doesn't like the camera, but man it was one of the easiest shoots.  Granted I've only done 3 engagements in total, but all things considered, they were such pros!

Sometimes I think:

"I'd feel sorry for my husband if we got married past 35. 'Sorry, honey, you missed out on my prime.  I was much hotter ten years ago.'"

One of my brown friends needs to get married fast because I want to wear this without being too much of a poser.  (Pun not intended.)

So pretty!!!  Love being a girl.

Too Good To Be True

Sometimes...actually quite a few times since the start of this semester, I've thought to myself, "things are too good to be true."  For once everything is going relatively well in all areas of my life, and I have absolutely no complaints.

And this scares the crap out of me. 
Maybe it's because I'm a conspiracy theorist at heart.
Maybe it's because I'm a realist.
Maybe it's because I went through so much stuff in life already that the lack of crap is unsettling.

But I keep asking myself "What is the worst case scenario?"
And the answer is, my mum passing away suddenly.
With the multiple sudden deaths of the fathers of a few friends in the past months, combined with my mum's increasing heart problems, the worse case scenario seems quite likely.

I keep wanting to prepare for it, because death is pretty much inevitable, but I don't think it's something you can brace yourself for.

It's the one thing that can really knock me down, and just thinking about it scares me silly. 
My heart sinks.
My stomach knots up, and threatens to expel everything that I just ate today.
My tear ducts starts to rev up.

It doesn't help that she's super worried and talks about dying, fretting over the fact that there will be no one left to take care of me when she passes away. 
"Who's going to marry you when you're traipsing around the world?  
Then what will you do when I pass?  
I wouldn't worry so much if you went overseas with someone.  A strong man who can take care of you."
Genuinely worried. 


I can't do anything to relieve her worries either unless I order a groom online, but I don't think that's what she's going for.

ARGH!
Lessons in trust.

I need to trust that God is sovereign, and He has her life in His hands.
I need to trust God with her anxiety instead of taking them on myself.
I just need to trust.

Conviction

The Holy Spirit has been working overtime in my life this past month.

He's pointed out that:

1) I am more vindicative than I ever thought I was.

2) My temper is a lot worse than I thought it was.

3) I'm actually a bigger jerk, than I thought I was.

4) I'm actually quite unloving.

5) I'm more arrogant than I thought I was.

SO many  DOH! moments, but it's encouraging to feel and accept conviction because for a good long while I was running away from it and ignoring it.  Bad idea, I know.

But the bright light here is that there is hope that God is still working in me.

Filial Piety

My poor mum adores me to death.
She misses me terribly, and the only thing she wants in this world is for me to move closer.
We have this conversation every time we call, and to my chagrin, rare are the times when I can keep my cool.

Her: "You're just staying in Toronto for your friends."
Me: "Uh...I'm planning on moving overseas to Asia next year.  Like I have so many friends over there."
Her: "But you only have one mother in this lifetime, won't you regret it when I pass away?"
Me: "I'm more concerned that I'll regret wasting this life, and not investing in eternity."
Her: "Don't you want to live for me?"
Me: "I'm living for Jesus, not for you."
Her: "In the chinese mindset you'd be considered unfilial, and cold."
Me: "Do you really think that I don't love you?"

Long silence.


She sounds so sad on the phone, and so what do I do?
Be even more of a jerk face and a half, and get terse with her.

The morale of the story?
It's one thing not to let your parents dictate your life, and to follow where God leads.
It's another to be a complete, insensitive jerk instead of helping them take that step of faith to let you follow Him.

Dearest Self,

I finally like you for you. 
I mean, really like you. 
It's comfortable, it's enjoyable, and it's freeing.

You are a good person to be in the sense that I no longer want to be that someone else so I can fit in, gain approval, feel significant, and be loved.
I like all your quirks (and there are many), your talents, your personality (loud), your passions, and yes, even your occasional neurotic obsessive compulsive behavior. 
(You don't really need to have a specific pen just for the purpose of filling out forms, but hey I'll live.)


I'm glad that hard times has taught you to find true satisfaction and true joy in Jesus.
I'm glad burnout broke you down so that Christ could build you back up without the chains and shackles 
I wouldn't want it any other way.

I know you're not perfect. 
You're learning to find the balance between your newly found freedom to be yourself and not crossing the line into sin.
And not being obnoxious.
You are far, far, faaaar from being like Jesus, but
I'm learning to show you grace, and also to not stand in the way of God's grace to you.

 I like you.

Sincerely,
Me

What I Want, What I Really, Really Want [Cravings Part. 1]

Nothing derails my entire person, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as a lack of meaning can.

What I crave the most in life is a sense of destiny, a sense of purpose, and a sense of significance.

I think most people would've pegged my deepest craving as love.  The romantic kind.
Heck, I would've even pegged my deepest craving as love.
Just take a look at all the "I'm so heartbroken" posts on this blog.
And if my mum and my friends could say something, they would probably say:
"And remember all that griping, all that ranting, all those tears and snotty noses. "

I do crave it, but on closer examination, the lack of a boy who's in love with me doesn't throw me as much as the lack of knowing that my life is counting for something.

Losing my heart made me cry a lot.
Losing my sense of purpose caused me to burnout, manifest depressive symptoms, and experience a prolonged darkness of the soul.

It is this pursuit of meaning that has driven me all my life.
It is this pursuit of purpose that has impacted every major life decision.
It is this pursuit of significance that brought me to God.

What It All Came Down To Part 1

I think most people are freaked out about my decision and desire to move to South Asia next year or at the very least concerned because for them it came out of the left field.

Surprisingly, my mom has been one of the most accepting, although she has been bargaining with me regarding the number of years.  


"Just one?  Ok, no more than two.  You'll come back after two?"

This response is totally legitimate because this decision and this desire hasn't been something that the verbal processor has verbalized, and then all of a sudden BOOM after a month of a "mid-life crisis".


So I understand why people are questioning my sanity and or motives.  
People are always questioning my sanity.
Sooo...I'm trying not be irked by the questions, and if I am, it literally is, just me, and not you.


Anyways, the short of it.


What it came down to after a month and a half of living in uncertainty and anxiety was this,


"Shelly."
"Yes, Lord?"
"Sweetheart, do you remember what you said to me at the end of project this year?"
 "I said that, 'If I had a thousand lives, Lord, I'd give it all to missions."


I had meant every single word.


As for South Asia, well that's been officially cooking in my head for a year now.

This Is Why I'm Still Single

Tonight I spent 4 hours in line rushing the premier of the Black Swan at the TIFF.

In four hours I managed to:
1) Get someone kicked out of line because they butted right. in. front. of. me.
2) Almost get a scalper arrested because he was selling one ticket for triple the price.
C'mon man at least be smart about it if you're going to scalp.
3) Get interviewed by a reporter after stomping to the front of the line to complain, yet again that people were butting.
4) All in all raise a bit of hell.

This is why boys don't want to date me.
And the people in line agreed.

This is also why my boss once said, "I'm really glad you're a Christian [because of the things you'd do if you weren't.]

In case you were wondering; I took it as a compliment and was very pleased.

Oh and, no we didn't get to go see the film.

Missing Out

Yesterday B.F. caught me off guard with the question,

"Has the start of the year been a good for you?"


The answer was unquestionably, yes. Or should've been.
I've never started a year off on staff in such a good head space.
Yet, I hemmed and hawwed for a few confused seconds before yammering out my answer, seemingly trying to convince myself in the process.

Mentally I went through a quick evaluation.
Personally, I was good, yes.
Ministry, was great, yes.
Familial relationships, fabulous, yes.
Community, fantastic, yes.
Loving Jesus, yes.

So what was the hesitation for?

Physically I was bombed, and the frenetic pace of the past three weeks drained all of my emotional reserves, and left me figuratively heading for the hills so I could hermit away in some cave.

Weekends zoomed by while I scrambled to try to fill that emotional gas tank before Monday arrived.

'Tis a conundrum as I absolutely need alone time to recharge, but the social butterfly in me now feels jipped by my prudent self when I turn down invitations or purposely not make plans.  It was one thing to turn down invitations when I was burnt out, and didn't want to go out.  It's another thing when I want to do everything, but can't, because unfortunately I am human and cannot be omnipresent.  Dang it!

It's Official!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It's OFFICIAL!!!
My best friend is engaged!!!

FINALLY.

This is the culmination of much girl talk.

I've been waiting for "the call" for years now even before she met her fiance, wondering who will it be, what will it be like, and when will it happen because engagement means the end of much.

It means:

No more "Does he like me, does he not?"
aka uncertainty.
No more lamenting "But whhhhyyy doesn't he like me?"
aka unrequited feelings.
No more boy drama in that sense in general, and can we all give an amen to that? AMEN.
No more "But how long Lord?" or sometimes "WTF?! Where the hell is he, God?" 
aka no more waiting whilst sitting in the dark.
No more loose ends!


*All the italics are mine own thoughts.

Engagement also means the start of much.

The start of:

A whole genre of girl talk that is very dear and close to my artsy heart: wedding planning.
Actually genres, there are more that I shan't list.  Tee-hee.
A whole new life together for them.
A pug. *
Dress shopping, and shopping in general.
Presents.  Presents galore.  For her, not me, but I get to do the shopping, so see above.

* He gave her a pug, her favourite type o' doggie.   Whilst I think the majority are ugly, I am determined to like this one.

I am floating on cloud nine, and am in a tizzy.
No other wedding will ever mean this much to me except for my own.

Five Good Things

1.  Coconut Cream Chai Tea
2.  TIFF
3.  Homebaked cookies from friends.
4.  Fall soups
5.  Theatre acting classes

Sometimes I do wonder...
If I am meant to be single, when will I ever give up on being married or would I always cling to that small shred of..."maybe"?

What would it look like to give up hope completely?
Scary, I should think.

It would be nice to go overseas with someone, especially if you're going to a place with few people that share your faith, and especially if it's for the long haul, and not just a year or two.

But I'm not about to wait for a husband before I go. 
Who am I to put conditions on God, and dilly dally when billions are perishing?
C'mon now.

Yet despite my sometimes snide, cynical, and bitter misgivings about guys and romance, which I am trying to curb, there is still hope burning inside.  

Not hope in what I see because I can't see very far.
Not hope in ratios and probabilities because next year is about to dramatically reduce my chances.
Not hope in my wiles because...what wiles?

But hope that my Lord is all over this.
Like white on rice.
That He totally knows what He's doing.
That somewhere out there in that huge world,
He's saved one great guy for me.

Dibs for Shelly.

And so in faith, not arrogant presumption,
I write my future hubby letters and postcards.
I save him pictures.
I joke with my friends about engagement presents.
We laugh about me being a submissive and quiet housewife. 
(The kicker lies in the quiet, not the submissive.  Believe it or not, I will submit.)
I make sure my BFF is willing to traverse the Pacific Ocean if I get married overseas.

Oh, Us Girls

Girls, in our bid for love, sometimes we immaturely ask the wrong questions, and we set the wrong standards. 

As we go through our mental checklist we ask:

"Is he good enough?"

Then we either fall into one of two errors:
1) In desperation, we quickly "pass" the guy and settle for good enough. 
As in, "Yeah I'm tired of waiting, of holding out, so yeah he's good enough."

Or

2) In arrogance, we decide no, he's not the Prince Charming we've been dreaming of.
As in, "No, you don't meet all of my 1,001 expectations of who exactly I want to marry.  As if."

(I know I'm making grand and sweeping generalizations, but it's late and I don't really want to write a lengthy post.)

I wonder if the better question to ask would be

"Is he the best fit for me, and vice versa?"

Because that would guard against both extremes of settling for someone who doesn't fit, and having unrealistic expectations.

As in, "Yeah, you've got all the proper, orthodox theology, but are we even on the same wavelength???"

As in, "Yeah, you're not Brad Pitt or Mark Driscoll, or whoever, but I'm not Jennifer Aniston either." 

Dear Heartache,

You are starting to pack up.
Sometimes I forget that you're even here at all,
which is good for my friends
because I'm sure no one wants to hear how you continue to irk me so.
Though you have to admit they have been kinder to you than I have.

Soon you will leave.
What a relief.
It'll be so good not to have you as a constant companion,
keeping me up at night,
waking me at ungodly hours in the morning,
and poking your nose in
when all I wanted to do was to forget that you were here.

Yet at the sight of your bags, I do panic a little.
You have been overzealous in protecting my dear heart.
When you leave, I fear I won't do as good of a job.
Certainly experience can attest to that.

Maybe I will miss you a bit in a weird way.
You have been a good teacher.
But I have a feeling you'll be making check-up trips.

In the meantime I won't be throwing my heart around.

Sincerely,
Me

Am currently experiencing writer's block.

There is not much going on in my mind except the anticipation of a great move in less than a year.  Hopefully.
I will be sorely disappointed if said move does not happen.

I've been mentally packing and unpacking.
Like this morning:

"Coconut cream chai is soooo good.  Note to self:  Pack a lot.  
Self: You know you're wanting to move to South Asia right?  And you're packing TEA?
You see the irony, yes?"


I saw the irony, and yes I do talk to myself.

Other than that my mind is mostly spent cherishing the remaining days here in my beloved Toronto.
Or gnawing on it, rather.
I ruminate over everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Just so I can soak it all in.
One year can turn into one lifetime.
Or not.

But as Jim Elliott once said, "Wherever you are, be all there."

If I Do Move...

How long will it actually take me to become fluent in a new language being immersed in it instead of sitting in a classroom?

I hope I can pick up more than just one language.  Ambitious?  Yes.  I've always been one to bite off more than I can chew.

Even if I move to S. Asia long term (5+ years), and if I get married, I'd definitely want to come back to N. America for a white, in both sense of the word, wedding.

I don't think I'll miss Winter, but I'll definitely miss Fall.

I really hope HR will approve my application.

An Ode

Being a part of a community at Grace Toronto has been a big blessing and a huge answer to prayer.  

I love them more and more every time I hang out with them.

Deep down I don't think I ever thought it was possible to find such a loving, Christ-centred community at church, even though that's where you're suppose to find it.  

There's just something very special about my group of friends.  

I can't put my finger on it.

They are friends...

1) who are inclusive of everyone.

2) and not only are they inclusive, they make you feel truly valued and appreciated.

3) enjoy you for you, especially your quirks, not in spite of, so you feel comfortable in your skin around them.

4) who are extra-milers, offering you cab money on a late night out, or renting a car to drive you all the way uptown even though they are already home, at 3 in the morning.

5) who have rapier sharp wits.

6) who are generous with everything they've got.

7) who are protective, kind, caring and so on and so forth.  The list of adjectives go on.

8) who love Christ with more than words.

9) who are just safe to be around.

10) who as a group gives you hope for the world in general because they embody who Jesus is.

Extra Note:

And the men!  

The men at my church deserve kudos for having such stellar character.

I say this very platonically:

I am now eating my words, "There are no good men left."

That Great Fear

Burnout has been one of the best things to happen to me because I learned so much about God and myself through it, but I never want to walk through that darkness of the soul again. 

My greatest fear right now is that I might burn out again.
Because apparently, there is little to no recovery from the second time.

I'm not scared of culture shock.
I'm not scared of loneliness.
I'm not scared of not seeing fruit in ministry.
I'm not scared of homesickness.
I'm not scared of stress.
I'm not scared of making a fool out of myself learning a new language, or even languages, plural.
I'm not scared of beginning to hate a cuisine that I love.

But I am scared that together, it'll be too much.  That they'll burn me out.

I'm not scared of adversity.
It's been a great teaching tool in the hands of God.
I'm even starting to learn to embrace it.

But I am scared that one day I might not make it through.

So this is my comfort.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name,
you are mine.
When you pass through the waters I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.
...
Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and 
I love you.
Isaiah 43: 1-2, 4

Five Good Things

1.  Yellow Tail Shiraz Grenesche
2.  Pelee Pink
3.  Frank's Red Hot
4.  "You shouldn't marry a blind man.  Your beauty will be wasted."
5.  The word, "canoodle"

Stay, Stay, Stay

It's funny how once I finalized my decision to leave Canada,
everything familiar,
everything comfortable,
everything safe,
everything fun,
everything and
everyone loved
began to tug on my heartstrings, beckoning me to
stay, stay, stay.

Voices whisper and call out insistently,
"Everything's finally falling into place.  
Stay, stay, stay.

You've finally hit your stride on campus.  
You're thriving in ministry now.
Stay, stay, stay.

Things are finally going well.  
You're not burned out anymore.
You've solid community at work and at church.
Stay, stay, stay.  

You have a wonderful team.
Your friends love you and enjoy you, and you, them.
Stay, stay, stay.

Stay, stay, stay.
If not forever, at least for a few more years." 

These very good reasons to stay, are the very good reasons to leave.
Because it means I'll be leaving in a healthy and good state.

Not burnt out.
Not empty.
Not running away.

If I stayed for every good reason, I'll never leave. 
Because there will always be a reason to stay.
It's time to go.