Prayer

This marks the official start of my summer!

I am praying that this summer will be:

rejuvenating...
healing...
and transforming...

amongst many other things.

Five Good Things

1.  Driving in a red mini cooper with a sunroof and a hybrid transmission.
2.  Massages.
3.  Tying up loose ends.
4.  Ale.
5.  Leftovers.

Booyakalakashaka

Scene:  So my roommate just got a job at my favourite cafe in Toronto, Hotel Gelato.

Cute Barista (my nickname for the guy who always serves me):  So how'd you hear about this?
Roomie:  Well my roommate always comes here.  She's a regular.
CB:  Oh really?  What does she look like?  Maybe I know her.
Roomie:  Well she's Asian.
CB:  Is she hot?
Roomie:  Erm...I don't know.  I'm a girl, and I'm not attracted to girls.  And I'm not attracted to Asians.  She's not ugly.
CB:  I think I know who she is...She's REALLY HOT.

Of course it could be some other really hot asian girl, but I haven't come across any in my frequent visits there so I'm going to assume it's me, and allow my ego to be thoroughly stroked.  :)

Visual Overload

1.  What is with the trend of bridal parties sporting fake mustaches on a stick?
I've seen this in quite a few shoots in the various blogs that I follow.

2.  I need a mood board to design the interior of my new room.
I'm thinking Alice in Wonderland meets French chic.
There is actually a paint colour called Alice Blue...

3.  Need to streamline blogs that I follow.
You know it's too much when your google reader stresses you out.

Type/Delete

Type, type, type, delete, delete, type, delete...

Type, delete, type, delete.

That's what blogging has been like in my head. 
There are SO many things that I want to say, but I can't say.
The words are just festering inside like a pussing, oozing wound.

Things To Do Before I Leave on a Jet Plane

1.  Reload all my music onto the Sheep.
2.  Unpack all summer clothes.
3.  Pack all winter clothes.
4.  Download sermons onto the Jukebox.
5.  Go shopping for over the counter medication for every possible illness because no student on my watch is going to go without necessary meds.
6.  Pack for project.
7.  Write those talks.
8.  Resign lease.
9.  Buy things for the LTs.
10.  Remember all the stuff that I forgot to put on here.

Oh yeah and write future posts.  ;)

Five Good Things

1.  A very twirly skirt.
2.  Compliments: "You look divine tonight."
3.  When a man walks across the room to ask you to dance.
4.  Dances with Louis.
5.  Dips

Hit That Nail on Its Head

"Mei mei*, I couldn't sleep all night because I was thinking about you.  There's nothing wrong with you physically...You're emotionally exhausted."
~Mum

I had been super tired since mid-semester, but I'd just attributed it to sleep deprivation and a busy schedule.  But now I'm still fatigued even though I've been having 12 hour sleeps, and a mild schedule.  It didn't occur to me that I was emotionally exhausted until mum hit the nail right on its head except she was completely wrong about the cause of my emotional exhaustion.

I'd almost written off the fact that I am still recovering from burnout because really it's been two years, but earthgirl wisely reminded me that I took no time off whilst most others did so it's going to be a slower process.

"Poor" is a Matter of Opinion

One of the reasons that I wanted to have my mum visit was so that she can walk a mile in my shoes, and stop fretting about me.

Well she's been walking a mile in my shoes, but the worrying hasn't stopped.  She tells me it's a mother thing.  What can you do?

There's been many a lectures and mini lectures on the issues of my "poor and simple" lifestyle, my potential for "more", and my temperament.  The last one I'll give her.  That is actually an issue, which by God's grace I am starting to address.  But the first two in my opinion are non-issues. 

I understand my potential for "more"- financially.    There's a hundred and one things that I can do to earn more bucks, but I chose three years ago not to, and I still continuously choose not to because I love what I do, and I can't be happier.

As for "poor and simple", that was ironic because in the past month or so I've been thanking the Lord for how rich my life is.  I can't ask for more.

Silence Speaks

Growing up I quickly earned the nickname of "little sparrow".  In China sparrows were always chattering away.  So in other words, I was a chatterbox.  I've always loved to talk, talk, and talk. 

I'm a verbal processor.  I have to talk through things, and when I can't, the words seem to bang against my ribs fighting to get out.  Not talking is painful for me. 

Keeping silent is difficult and uncomfortable in many situations for me, but the hardest times are when I'm misunderstood, challenged, annoyed, offended, or the like.  My usual response is to snap back in defense, which unfortunately has garnered me the reputation of being abrasive, contentious, and temperamental amongst some people. 

Oh joy.

Those are among the very last things that I'd like to be known for.  So in an effort to rectify this, not so that I can be "popular" amongst people, but so that I'd have the quiet and gentle spirit that is precious in the sight of the Lord, I've been trying to bite my tongue (figuratively) and bite my lip (literally) when I've been feeling defensive. 

I'm surprised I don't have bite marks on my lips yet.

But I'm learning that silence goes a long way.

Shi Xin

shi xin
死 心.

"Shi xin" is one of those tricky nuanced phrases where the full meaning is lost in translation.

To "shi xin" in mandarin figuratively means something akin to making a decisive commitment to let go of something or someone or a situation.  To give up and to move on.  To get over it so to speak.

Literally translated it means:

"Die, heart," or "dead heart".

Moles and Weeds

These days it feels like I'm playing mental "Whack-a-Mole".
I'm continuously pounding at the lies in my mind, while at the same time, frenetically trying to weed out toxic emotions that spring up threatening to take root and choke out my heart.
It's exhausting.

Silence is Golden

There are words that I want to say.
Things I wish you knew.
There are questions that I want to ask.
Answers that won't eschew.

But sometimes...
somethings are better left unsaid.
and sometimes...
somethings are better left unknown.

Because sometimes,
the sweetest knowledge hurts,
the darkest ignorance is... bliss,
and silence,

Silence is golden.

Be Still

Like Israel, at times I doubt God's sovereignty, goodness, faithfulness, and love .

Sometimes doubt slowly seeps into my heart.
Sometimes doubt stealthily creeps in.
Then there are times when doubt MARCHES RIGHT in and turns everything topsy- turvy.

"Was it because I said...?"
"Was it because I am...?"
"WHY?"
"Why not...?"
"If I..."
"Maybe if I did that or didn't do that..."
"How come...?"
"Did I screw myself over?"
"Am I screwing myself over?"
"Will I screw myself over?"

Questions, ruminations, and speculations throw my heart into a frenzy of maddening panic, grasping at the unknowns, the have been's, and the could have been's.

Yet it is not answers that calms the storm within.
Into this tempest, the Lord speaks and asks "be still and know that I am God."
Know that...

"... [I] can do all things, and that no purpose of [Mine] can be thwarted."
Job 42:2
"... for those who love [Me] all things work together for good."
Romans 8:28
"...no good thing do [I] withhold from those who walk uprightly."
Psalm 84:11
"[I] Who did not spare [My] Own Son, but gave Him up for [you], how will [I] not also with Him graciously give [you] all things?"
Romans 8:32

Deeper and Better

A few months ago when I was hanging out with some friends, I told them that I had loved Jesus more in university.  I felt that back then my passion for Christ was hotter, and my focus on Him was well...more focused.

But now upon contemplation I can honestly say that I love Christ deeper and better than I did in university especially in the last month.

There have been many events in the three years since I've graduated that have been trying and refining, which have pushed me to understand the gospel slightly better than I did in university.  The last month especially plunged me to greater depths of understanding of the love of Christ for me.  Albeit all things considered, my understanding is still as shallow as a tidal pool compared to the vast and mighty ocean.

But yay for growth!
Huzzah!

Wise Words

"There is no switch [that you can turn on and off].  If there was a switch, it wouldn't be love...love lingers."  

A friend and I were talking about burnout and depression.

They affect us, yes.  But do they define us?  No.

Burnout, depression, S.A.D., and the like, they affect our moods, our energy levels, our interactions with others amongst many other things.  Yes, it's hard to understand.  Yes, it's difficult for us to live with, and yes, it's difficult for those around us as well.  We don't deny this.

We know that for someone on the outside looking in it can seem like it has completely taken over our beings, that it has consumed us, that it defines us, but it doesn't.  That's only the tip of the iceberg.

Christ defines us.
Our identities lies in what Christ has done for us, who we are in Him, and who He has made us to be.   If you look closer you'll see that there's more than just fatigue, tears, sadness, and darkness.  If you look deeper you'll see character being built.

You'll see faith being anchored more firmly in Jesus.
You'll see grace, mercy, and forgiveness being comprehended to greater depth.
You'll see endurance and patience slowly ripening.
You'll see wisdom gained.
You'll see hope blossoming, hope that cannot be shaken.
You'll see kindness and empathy that only those who've experienced such brokenness can know.
You'll see love that's been refined.

Yet, the sad part is that people don't understand and don't see beyond the surface.
We do not allow our burdens to define us, but sadly others do.
So to add grief onto grief we've been misunderstood.
We've been given up on.
We've been passed over for someone else.
Someone else who is less "complicated", is less "difficult",  and whose life is less "messy".

But there are those who do stand by us who understand like Christ that love is not convenient, love is not easy, and love is not painless, and who understand that there is no one on this earth who isn't complicated, who isn't difficult, who isn't messy.

There are those who truly love like Christ.
Who sacrifices self, who endures through hardship, and who bears pain.  Even that not of their own.
And to those people we say "thank you."

Five Good Things

1.  Good Friday
2.  Hotel Gelato
3.  J-Pop revisited
4.  TWO dances with CBG.  TWO!!!  I am giddy.
5.  Summer dresses

Vengeance is From the Lord, But I Couldn't Resist...

Tonight was the joint Good Friday service between my church, my former church, and two others.  I had been looking forward to it for a month or so now.  Never has Good Friday and Easter Sunday been so meaningful to me.  The past few weeks have been instrumental in my experience and understanding of Christ's unfathomable and magnificent love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

That said, I definitely pulled an awesome prank tonight.

I owed one of the students involved in our movement money for books that he purchased for me with his employee discount.  Little did I know that he had told everyone that I had paid him to keep me company...until he told me tonight.  Even worse, people actually believed him, which makes me wonder what kind of vibes I'm sending off on campus...c'mon now!  SERIOUSLY?  Even one of the other staff believed him!

So since I was there with Bono and her brother, whom no one knew.  I went up to said student and Bono's brother who pretended to be my boyfriend, and confronted him.

He looked scared.

I laughed.  Out LOUD.
Repeatedly.
For the rest of the night.

(You could call it cackling.)

And no, he still does not know that I do not actually have a boyfriend unless he read this or someone told him.

In Anticipation of Easter

This week it seemed like that I was running smack dab into the ugliness of my sin, 

EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT.  

It's lurking everywhere...  

In so many different shapes, forms, and sizes!  

ARGH!

Pride! 

Anger!

Fear!

Selfishness!

Idolatry!

Bitterness!

Laziness!

Were it not for experiencing and understanding more the depth and the beauty of Calvary in the past month or so I would've been quite discouraged.  

How exquisite the beauty of the Cross.

Come, Lord Jesus, come.