I love how my body knows its limits when I mentally don't. I didn't realize I was pushing myself too hard this week until I came down sick with a cold. Then it was like my body saying to me, "Ok, you're pushing me too hard, so I'm going to slow down...now whether you like it or not."
The immune system has been pretty depressed since burning out. I usually don't get sick at all during the year even when it's flu season, but the last twelve months I've racked up two bouts of bronchitis, two colds, and one sinus infection. A record, I think. All that's missing is a fever.
It's still minor, so here's to hoping it doesn't develop into bronchitis or a sinus infection. Fingers crossed.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Just a Moment of Weakness
I use to get delighted when people would ask me if I had any insecurities because to me it meant that I was successful in presenting to the world a strong image. You know the whole, "I am woman, hear me roar" kind of thing.
Any loneliness, insecurity, or fears that I had would just be a moment of weakness. In my head I was independent and INVINCIBLE.
That was why going through burnout was so frustrating because it revealed the truth that I was not independent and invincible. In fact it was quite the opposite. I'm quite dependent on the mercies of God for every little thing, the truth of which did not bode well with me during the past few months. Because even though I was dependent on Jesus for my salvation I wanted to be able to say that I could depend on myself for being able to take care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally. I mean it's everyday life, I should be able to handle it! What a subtle but insidious mentality. My worth was in again...how I performed. Darn the performance trap. I shake my fist at it!
I thought I had learned this lesson well this past year, but as I am recovering, it seems the pride comes back just as fast as the energy levels. Sigh.
I was shocked to discover that in the past week I was mentally brushing insecurities, anxieties, and the like off as "just a moment of weakness". I still had this "I am invincible" mentality. Argrgggggh.
Any loneliness, insecurity, or fears that I had would just be a moment of weakness. In my head I was independent and INVINCIBLE.
That was why going through burnout was so frustrating because it revealed the truth that I was not independent and invincible. In fact it was quite the opposite. I'm quite dependent on the mercies of God for every little thing, the truth of which did not bode well with me during the past few months. Because even though I was dependent on Jesus for my salvation I wanted to be able to say that I could depend on myself for being able to take care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally. I mean it's everyday life, I should be able to handle it! What a subtle but insidious mentality. My worth was in again...how I performed. Darn the performance trap. I shake my fist at it!
I thought I had learned this lesson well this past year, but as I am recovering, it seems the pride comes back just as fast as the energy levels. Sigh.
I was shocked to discover that in the past week I was mentally brushing insecurities, anxieties, and the like off as "just a moment of weakness". I still had this "I am invincible" mentality. Argrgggggh.
Friday, July 24, 2009
The Summer of the Bucket List
One of the (minor) reasons that I love my job is that every summer I get to check things off my bucket list.
Things I checked off this summer:
1. Whitewater rafting in Colorado
2. Learn to drive standard
3. Road trip the western part of the U.S.A.
4. Visit Yellowstone and see Old Faithful
Things I checked off this summer:
1. Whitewater rafting in Colorado
2. Learn to drive standard
3. Road trip the western part of the U.S.A.
4. Visit Yellowstone and see Old Faithful
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Life Hurts
Today two of my best friends and I got together for a little coffee date.
All three of us have been through some very trying times in the past two years, circumstances made even harder by the fact that we were far apart in distance.
We laughed, we reminisced, we shared, we praised, and we almost cried or at least I almost did.
"Life hurts," was A.'s response to my fears and anxiety of relapsing into burnout. And how true that statement was and is.
Even after going through burnout I still go around thinking that pain is abnormal and that I need to avoid it. I also have this mentality that I've had my share of crap in life as a kid so I should be exempt for the next few decades.
But the truth of the matter is, that I live in a fallen, imperfect world with other fallen, imperfect people, and sooner or later life's going to hurt. It's the norm not the exception, but I keep forgetting this, and keep going around trying to protect myself with walls a zillion feet high as if I could really avoid pain forever that way. Silly me.
But I think the saddest part is that I forget my Lord and Master, who promises that:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3
Life hurts, but He gets me through.
All three of us have been through some very trying times in the past two years, circumstances made even harder by the fact that we were far apart in distance.
We laughed, we reminisced, we shared, we praised, and we almost cried or at least I almost did.
"Life hurts," was A.'s response to my fears and anxiety of relapsing into burnout. And how true that statement was and is.
Even after going through burnout I still go around thinking that pain is abnormal and that I need to avoid it. I also have this mentality that I've had my share of crap in life as a kid so I should be exempt for the next few decades.
But the truth of the matter is, that I live in a fallen, imperfect world with other fallen, imperfect people, and sooner or later life's going to hurt. It's the norm not the exception, but I keep forgetting this, and keep going around trying to protect myself with walls a zillion feet high as if I could really avoid pain forever that way. Silly me.
But I think the saddest part is that I forget my Lord and Master, who promises that:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3
Life hurts, but He gets me through.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Five Good Things Road Trip Edition
1. Hot Showers
2. No Mosquitos
3. A REAL bed
4. Not freezing in the morning
5. iHOP
C. and I have just returned from the middle of nowhere, to civilization. Can you tell? We're almost back in the motherland but not quite. Abby in a few.
2. No Mosquitos
3. A REAL bed
4. Not freezing in the morning
5. iHOP
C. and I have just returned from the middle of nowhere, to civilization. Can you tell? We're almost back in the motherland but not quite. Abby in a few.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Driving Standard
So C. been teaching me to drive standard for our road trip back to the great white north.
I now know the fear of "stalling".
Yesterday was my first time on the streets, and of course I stalled at an intersection. Not an incredibly busy one, but an intersection nevertheless. I stalled at the very least... SEVEN times. I got so flustered, especially after the first few times some idiot started wailing on his horn at me. Like wailed without a break. I mean can't you see that I'm having trouble already without you making me even more panicky?
I checked my rearview mirror for him, but he wasn't behind me so I didn't understand what the rush was. In any case he could always go around me. The only other vehicle at the intersection was a moped, but it didn't seem capable of such a loud and continuous honk so I was like "What the heck?! Where is this guy, and why is he honking so hard at me?"
It was then that C. told me:
"Shelly, you need to stop leaning on the horn."
I now know the fear of "stalling".
Yesterday was my first time on the streets, and of course I stalled at an intersection. Not an incredibly busy one, but an intersection nevertheless. I stalled at the very least... SEVEN times. I got so flustered, especially after the first few times some idiot started wailing on his horn at me. Like wailed without a break. I mean can't you see that I'm having trouble already without you making me even more panicky?
I checked my rearview mirror for him, but he wasn't behind me so I didn't understand what the rush was. In any case he could always go around me. The only other vehicle at the intersection was a moped, but it didn't seem capable of such a loud and continuous honk so I was like "What the heck?! Where is this guy, and why is he honking so hard at me?"
It was then that C. told me:
"Shelly, you need to stop leaning on the horn."
Enough Already
The very act of posting this may negate what I have to say.
I'm really tired of discussing romantic relationships, engagements, marriage, anything that falls into that sphere. Not because I'm cynical, bitter, jealous, but because I'm just...BORED. Yet it never seems to stop. It always comes up. I ALWAYS bring it up. It's always on the back burner. It's like the default topic.
What is it about this topic? You can never get away from it.
Resigned.
I'm really tired of discussing romantic relationships, engagements, marriage, anything that falls into that sphere. Not because I'm cynical, bitter, jealous, but because I'm just...BORED. Yet it never seems to stop. It always comes up. I ALWAYS bring it up. It's always on the back burner. It's like the default topic.
What is it about this topic? You can never get away from it.
Resigned.
I Miss...
1. My sunny apartment
2. Grace Toronto
3. Grace Toronto friends
4. Toronto swing scene
5. And yes...the TTC
2. Grace Toronto
3. Grace Toronto friends
4. Toronto swing scene
5. And yes...the TTC
Monday, July 13, 2009
On Responsibility
Sure, I'm 23...going on to 24.
Sure, I've been on my own since 17.
Sure, I'm bringing in a paycheck being a working girl and all that, but I don't think I'm actually that responsible.
Responsibility, I have recently realized isn't defined by past accomplishments or age, but it's determined by my present actions. SURPRISE SURPRISE! REVELATION! SOMEONE GIVE ME A PRIZE!
It's weird because I've always thought of myself as pretty responsible, but there are definitely areas which has recently been brought to my attention where I have been irresponsible. Work commitments, church commitments, finances, and just even being on time. Funnily enough, watching Confessions of a Shopaholic was convicting. I think I've actually regressed in responsibility.
But how to become more responsible and less stressed? The obvious answer? Take on less stuff because if I were to be fully committed and responsible for everything on my plate I'd go nutso AGAIN. Ah, but what a blow to my prideful and misguided "anything you can do, I can do better" mentality. I have to remember that I am not the saviour of the world, that position is filled already.
Sure, I've been on my own since 17.
Sure, I'm bringing in a paycheck being a working girl and all that, but I don't think I'm actually that responsible.
Responsibility, I have recently realized isn't defined by past accomplishments or age, but it's determined by my present actions. SURPRISE SURPRISE! REVELATION! SOMEONE GIVE ME A PRIZE!
It's weird because I've always thought of myself as pretty responsible, but there are definitely areas which has recently been brought to my attention where I have been irresponsible. Work commitments, church commitments, finances, and just even being on time. Funnily enough, watching Confessions of a Shopaholic was convicting. I think I've actually regressed in responsibility.
But how to become more responsible and less stressed? The obvious answer? Take on less stuff because if I were to be fully committed and responsible for everything on my plate I'd go nutso AGAIN. Ah, but what a blow to my prideful and misguided "anything you can do, I can do better" mentality. I have to remember that I am not the saviour of the world, that position is filled already.
Five Good Things
1. Love Story by Taylor Swift
2. White Blueberry Blossom Lemonade
3. Bang!
4. Jasmine Scented Candles
5. Waterfalls
2. White Blueberry Blossom Lemonade
3. Bang!
4. Jasmine Scented Candles
5. Waterfalls
Friday, July 10, 2009
On Being "Crazy"*
One of the hardest things about burnout is there is no visible manifestation like there would be, say if I was suffering from a broken arm. With a broken arm you can judge accurately when I am finally healed, but with burnout things are not what they seem. Outwardly I might look perfectly fine, but inwardly, it could be a completely different story. Though I have been recuperating, the road to recovery has been an interesting one to navigate as I try to figure out my limits and boundaries for when I'm not "crazy" or at least, for becoming less "crazy".
With the return of the light in my eyes and joy in my smile, comes the fear of others' expectations. "Oh you LOOK fine now! Great! Now you can do this, this, and THIS." The inability to say no because of people- pleasing tendencies, and the failure to watch my boundaries was one of the many reasons I got into this mess in the first place, and being at IBS, taking grad level courses has brought me face to face with the demon of the approval of others'.
The first two weeks bowled me over, and as I approached the "second semester" I considered dropping a class. I was not getting enough sleep and stressed, yet it was interesting to see the thoughts that went through my head as I tried to determine whether or not I would drop the course.
What if my friends thought I was slacking off?
What if my director thought I was slacking off? Am I copping out? Can't I just suck it up and stick it out?
And 'round and 'round it went until finally the question:
Before God: Are you slacking off or can you really not handle a fourth course?
That decided it. I knew I couldn't go into the new school year wearied, but it's been hard because there's no visible indication that I'm not well. The only one is that I've been taking four hour naps to recupe the lost sleep from the past two weeks, and even that can be taken as "slacking off".
It was easy to say no at the nadir of my burnout because...really there was no other option, AND I was under direction from my doctors to say so. I had PERMISSION. There was freedom in saying no because I had a reason. Sorry, going crazy. Can't do it.
But now I'm faced with the expectations of recovery and the kindly suspicion of using burnout as a mental crutch. Since I look fine outwardly, some people automatically think there's other reasons for my fatigue. I don't feel the freedom to say no anymore because I think that I don't have a reason to, AND this is where another part of me goes HOW ABOUT LONG TERM SANITY? HOW'S THAT FOR A REASON?
Even this post in itself is me trying to justify myself and my lack of productivity to the world. Ugh.
To Be Continued...
* Please note all use of the word "crazy" to refer to burnout is facetious. Burnout is serious. I'm just making fun of the stereotype.
With the return of the light in my eyes and joy in my smile, comes the fear of others' expectations. "Oh you LOOK fine now! Great! Now you can do this, this, and THIS." The inability to say no because of people- pleasing tendencies, and the failure to watch my boundaries was one of the many reasons I got into this mess in the first place, and being at IBS, taking grad level courses has brought me face to face with the demon of the approval of others'.
The first two weeks bowled me over, and as I approached the "second semester" I considered dropping a class. I was not getting enough sleep and stressed, yet it was interesting to see the thoughts that went through my head as I tried to determine whether or not I would drop the course.
What if my friends thought I was slacking off?
What if my director thought I was slacking off? Am I copping out? Can't I just suck it up and stick it out?
And 'round and 'round it went until finally the question:
Before God: Are you slacking off or can you really not handle a fourth course?
That decided it. I knew I couldn't go into the new school year wearied, but it's been hard because there's no visible indication that I'm not well. The only one is that I've been taking four hour naps to recupe the lost sleep from the past two weeks, and even that can be taken as "slacking off".
It was easy to say no at the nadir of my burnout because...really there was no other option, AND I was under direction from my doctors to say so. I had PERMISSION. There was freedom in saying no because I had a reason. Sorry, going crazy. Can't do it.
But now I'm faced with the expectations of recovery and the kindly suspicion of using burnout as a mental crutch. Since I look fine outwardly, some people automatically think there's other reasons for my fatigue. I don't feel the freedom to say no anymore because I think that I don't have a reason to, AND this is where another part of me goes HOW ABOUT LONG TERM SANITY? HOW'S THAT FOR A REASON?
Even this post in itself is me trying to justify myself and my lack of productivity to the world. Ugh.
To Be Continued...
* Please note all use of the word "crazy" to refer to burnout is facetious. Burnout is serious. I'm just making fun of the stereotype.
Monday, July 06, 2009
On Balance
This weekend was a hiking, photo-shooting, elk-eating, fireworks watching, white-water rafting, and a bit of studying sort of weekend.
[As I type this J.S., is annoyingly reading over my shoulder correcting every word, in other words, backseat blogging. Good thing he doesn't read my blog otherwise I'll always get comments on my grammar. Well now I think he's going to go try to find this sucker, and make said comments.]
Anyways I digress.
This is all to say that this weekend has been a "good for my soul" type of weekend. It was busy, yes, but it was the type of weekend that prepares you to face the new week rested, refreshed, and rejuvenated, ready to chomp at whatever life throws at you. RAWR. It was just the type of weekend that I needed.
Being thrown back into a busy, scholarly lifestyle, made it easy to go right back to living a very imbalanced lifestyle. I was once again caught up and swept along by the currents and demands of the circumstances of life. Go to class, study, eat, sleep, play. Before I knew it I was getting overwhelmed, and stressed again, feeling swept along by the waves of life. I didn't even notice that something was up until my mood dipped and I got the feeling of clinging on for dear life again. So I decided to slow 'er down for the sake of my long term sanity. I'll thank myself later.
[As I type this J.S., is annoyingly reading over my shoulder correcting every word, in other words, backseat blogging. Good thing he doesn't read my blog otherwise I'll always get comments on my grammar. Well now I think he's going to go try to find this sucker, and make said comments.]
Anyways I digress.
This is all to say that this weekend has been a "good for my soul" type of weekend. It was busy, yes, but it was the type of weekend that prepares you to face the new week rested, refreshed, and rejuvenated, ready to chomp at whatever life throws at you. RAWR. It was just the type of weekend that I needed.
Being thrown back into a busy, scholarly lifestyle, made it easy to go right back to living a very imbalanced lifestyle. I was once again caught up and swept along by the currents and demands of the circumstances of life. Go to class, study, eat, sleep, play. Before I knew it I was getting overwhelmed, and stressed again, feeling swept along by the waves of life. I didn't even notice that something was up until my mood dipped and I got the feeling of clinging on for dear life again. So I decided to slow 'er down for the sake of my long term sanity. I'll thank myself later.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Trash the Dress
So back in May, I had a chance to do a Trash the Dress Shoot. I'm only just starting post-production.
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