so i've been told many a times now that i'm intimidating in three different contexts.
one is in the context of dating or whatever you want to call it. apparently i have this sign on my forehead that scares guys off. when i first heard that, i laughed. i still do. it's funny. it bugged me a bit, but it's good in a way because i don't have an intimidating dad or an older brother to weed out the weak ones so something's gotta weed them out. no one wants to date/marry a pansy well maybe some people, but i don't. so i shrugged it off.
second is in the realm of first impressions. i was told last year by a few people i make initimidating first impressions. i laughed again, but it irked me too cuz i thought i was pretty sociable and friendly. i tried being friendlier, but apparently i still do intimidate the first years? this isn't good. i want to be approachable next year. how am i suppose to serve people if they're scared to talk to me? that defeats the whole purpose doesn't it?
the last context is in term of rebukes. i've had people hold their breathe while rebuking me and breathing relief after rebuking me. then they tell me that they're relieved i didn't bite their heads off. this is the one that sounds the warning bell in my head. WHAT THE HECK? i don't think i'm being intimidating. plus i think i take rebukes pretty well. the worst reaction you'd ever get from me is silence, but obviously there's an issue somewhere here. i mean when someone's scared to rebuke you, that's not a good sign. and i love getting rebukes. ok, well no one likes getting rebuked, but you know what i mean. i know i'm not perfect,so i do really appreciate outside input cuz other people can see things that i don't notice. there's always room for improvement. but if no one tells me how the heck am i suppose to know? yikesers.
so i think from the outside it looks like i have an attitude problem or something. i'm puzzled. maybe it's because i have a scary looking "relaxed" face. you know when you're tired and your face just goes. my mom told me i look scary that way, but dude i can't keep smiling all the time. especialy when i'm running on 4 hours of sleep. ok so i'll try not to run on 4 hours of sleep, but still! WHAT THE HECK?!
Friday, March 31, 2006
encouraged and blessed
if you've been around me long enough, you've probably heard one of my tirades on globalization or at least a cynical remark. well not tonight. an ode to globalization and to an ode to technology. cheers to both. because were it not for globalization and were it not for technology i would not have been blessed by girltalk.blogs.com. this has been a tough week (although i wouldn't change anything about it even if i could!), but i've been so encouraged by the godly lives and the godly wisdom of the four women who write this blog. their stories and their examples inspire me. i hope to be like them one day.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
good times all around
on our night off in panama, hiukei, carolle, and i took off to the supermarket to buy some breakfast foods for the team since we were running low. it was like a 15-25 minute walk one way. we had such good times. although it was a bit sketch since we had no guys with us. oh the jokes we cracked and the laughter we shared.
when we got to the supermarket i had a craving for ice cream so we all got some. it was really cheap so we got a lot. i got two cones. yeah, one with two scoops and one with one scoop, but then i got ice cream all over my face. so hiukei tried to clean me up. the tissue was tickling me so i tried to dodge her wipes, but in the process i also knocked over one of my cones. i forget which one. it was like a blob on the floor, but she went back and bought me another one. hehehe.
we were so giddy on the way back cause we were on a sugar high. we were laughing nonstop. that carolle is SO witty. she just kept cracking comments left, right, and center. i was laughing so hard that many a times i either almost choked or spewed the ice cream out or peed my pants. oh such good times. i love girlfriends. hahaha. oh man.
actually i'm just thankful for good friends in general. this has been a tough week. i remember thinking that yesterday and going "and it's only tuesday!" hahaha oh man. i know i don't deal with stress well. i'm trying to work on it, and my friends really helped me out a lot. thank you for the big things and the little things. you know who you are.
i know i'm dumb as sheep. it takes God at least three tries to get my attention. last night talking to my mom about all the stuff i had on my plate, she said "you have to know your limitations and your priorities. don't take on more than you can handle. don't overwork yourself." i said "but it's only just this month and a half. i'm not taking on too much." yeah i know, denial. then when i was talking to lydia she asked "are you getting rest?" i was silent. crap, i was caught. i tried to think of something, but really i wasn't getting that much rest. so then today God had to hit it home through alex, "i think you're facing a major turning point, mixed with a conflict of priorities-> most people can't handle half of the things you're doing-> let alone try to be the best, it's tough."
and here i was...still thinking that i wasn't doing enough. so i started to delegate. thanks for shooting straight with me guys. it's always always appreciated and welcomed. i won't bite your heads off. ;)
hindsight is always 20/20
when i moved to canada back in 1998, my world crashed down around me, and i wasn't being melodramatic. the move was sudden and completely unexpected. it was the hardest time i ever had in my life. i was torn from everything that i dreamed of, hoped for, and finally got; academic success and a close group of friends.
i was on my way to stuyvesant high school, the most prestigious public high school in new york city. students were only admitted after passing an entrance exam. i had studied for two years for that exam, sacrificing my weekends and summers to go to "cram school". stuyvesant was my ticket to ivey league universities and a brilliant future.
after years of being the outcast at schools because i moved around so much, i finally had a group of friends with the same ambitions and the same interests. we studied together and we partied together. we were inseparable. until i had to move.
the first half year in canada was brutal. i was depressed. life held no meaning, no purpose, no point. i breathed, but i did not live. it was heartbreaking for me to wake up in the mornings to face.....nothing. no future, no hope, no dreams. i would have preferred not to have woken up at all. i felt like a zombie.
yet if i could go back in time and choose whether to stay in new york or to move to canada. i would choose to move to canada and gladly go through the pain and anguish again. because moving to canada brought me to true life. it brought me back to God because i had sacrificed not only my weekends and summers, but my relationship with Him in pursuit of a mere idol. the move brought me to His plans, not mine. i had to die to myself, to my desires, to my plans, to my hopes, to my dreams, and it hurt like hell. but it was worth it. in retrospect, everything He planned far outweighed everything i ever planned.
i would not give up a holiday to the beach for making mud pies in the slums.
i would not give up where He has brought me and where He is leading me for the shadow of a life that i would have choosen for myself. i say this with the 20/20 vision of hindsight, but knowing this...
Father i know in my heart and in my mind that You are unbelieavably good to me, and that whatever You have planned will outshine my hopes and plans by a trillion.
i was on my way to stuyvesant high school, the most prestigious public high school in new york city. students were only admitted after passing an entrance exam. i had studied for two years for that exam, sacrificing my weekends and summers to go to "cram school". stuyvesant was my ticket to ivey league universities and a brilliant future.
after years of being the outcast at schools because i moved around so much, i finally had a group of friends with the same ambitions and the same interests. we studied together and we partied together. we were inseparable. until i had to move.
the first half year in canada was brutal. i was depressed. life held no meaning, no purpose, no point. i breathed, but i did not live. it was heartbreaking for me to wake up in the mornings to face.....nothing. no future, no hope, no dreams. i would have preferred not to have woken up at all. i felt like a zombie.
yet if i could go back in time and choose whether to stay in new york or to move to canada. i would choose to move to canada and gladly go through the pain and anguish again. because moving to canada brought me to true life. it brought me back to God because i had sacrificed not only my weekends and summers, but my relationship with Him in pursuit of a mere idol. the move brought me to His plans, not mine. i had to die to myself, to my desires, to my plans, to my hopes, to my dreams, and it hurt like hell. but it was worth it. in retrospect, everything He planned far outweighed everything i ever planned.
i would not give up a holiday to the beach for making mud pies in the slums.
i would not give up where He has brought me and where He is leading me for the shadow of a life that i would have choosen for myself. i say this with the 20/20 vision of hindsight, but knowing this...
Father i know in my heart and in my mind that You are unbelieavably good to me, and that whatever You have planned will outshine my hopes and plans by a trillion.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
haves and have nots
our enjoyment of life should not be defined by what we don't have, but what we do have.
however often times i find myself thinking "if only i had ____________" then i would finally be content, and once i have it, whatever "it" is, i would move on to the next thing. case in point, i finally got an ipod this Christmas, but it's not the new ipod with colour, video, and it's not black. i know, spoiled. i'm trying to curb it. (the nth pet peeve: i'm not high-maintenance!)
as mum always told me "there's a lot of stuff in the world that you can't have. you can never have it all. there will always be something else." the gist? be happy with what you've got. so hey at least i have an ipod! while she meant it in terms of material things i think this applies to other things too. for example "if only i had [less stress, less problems, more time, those friends, a boyfriend, that professor, that person's talents/skills/knowledge/wisdom, so and so's circumstances, his/her personality, and so on and so forth....] then i would finally be content." mum had another tidbit of wisdom regarding this, "there will always be someone smarter, better, prettier, ____er than you, and there will always be someone dumber, less talented, not as attractive, ____er than you. don't compare, you'll die trying." how true.
i call this "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. letting this "i don't have this", negative mentality define my enjoyment of life breeds discontentment and doesn't result in my enjoying life at all. focusing on the "have nots" just nags at my soul, and blinds me to the beautiful, simple things of life and the blessings that i do have. of course this isn't anything new. God knew this, and He warned us about it many a times in the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (BIBLE). this is where the "thou shalt not covet thy neighbors' _____" comes in. it's not just some random instruction given off the top of His head, but because it is relevant to our hearts. instead we are called to count our blessings, give thanks always, and to rejoice continuously, to focus on what we do have.
so what do i have? a great family, awesome friends (some of whom comprise a killer SWAT team, you know who you are, and much thanks!), a roof over my head, decent food in my stomach (well the few dishes that i don't butcher..har har), a university education, health, yes even an ipod, and on and on...
and i am reminded that as a Christian even if i don't have any of the above, i still have a lot! actually "a lot" would be the understatement of all of history. as a Christian i have eternal life. (let's see mastercard try to pay for this.) i have absolute freedom. i have grace, truth, mercy, and unconditional love from God. i am a daughter of the King. translation? i'm a princess, royalty. i am co- heir with Christ. what's Christ going to inherit? everything.
the "have nots" of life are endless, but the "haves" of life as a Christian are infinite too so intead of letting a "have not" mentality define my enjoyment of life, i find that letting a "have" mentality works much muuuuch better.
however often times i find myself thinking "if only i had ____________" then i would finally be content, and once i have it, whatever "it" is, i would move on to the next thing. case in point, i finally got an ipod this Christmas, but it's not the new ipod with colour, video, and it's not black. i know, spoiled. i'm trying to curb it. (the nth pet peeve: i'm not high-maintenance!)
as mum always told me "there's a lot of stuff in the world that you can't have. you can never have it all. there will always be something else." the gist? be happy with what you've got. so hey at least i have an ipod! while she meant it in terms of material things i think this applies to other things too. for example "if only i had [less stress, less problems, more time, those friends, a boyfriend, that professor, that person's talents/skills/knowledge/wisdom, so and so's circumstances, his/her personality, and so on and so forth....] then i would finally be content." mum had another tidbit of wisdom regarding this, "there will always be someone smarter, better, prettier, ____er than you, and there will always be someone dumber, less talented, not as attractive, ____er than you. don't compare, you'll die trying." how true.
i call this "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. letting this "i don't have this", negative mentality define my enjoyment of life breeds discontentment and doesn't result in my enjoying life at all. focusing on the "have nots" just nags at my soul, and blinds me to the beautiful, simple things of life and the blessings that i do have. of course this isn't anything new. God knew this, and He warned us about it many a times in the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (BIBLE). this is where the "thou shalt not covet thy neighbors' _____" comes in. it's not just some random instruction given off the top of His head, but because it is relevant to our hearts. instead we are called to count our blessings, give thanks always, and to rejoice continuously, to focus on what we do have.
so what do i have? a great family, awesome friends (some of whom comprise a killer SWAT team, you know who you are, and much thanks!), a roof over my head, decent food in my stomach (well the few dishes that i don't butcher..har har), a university education, health, yes even an ipod, and on and on...
and i am reminded that as a Christian even if i don't have any of the above, i still have a lot! actually "a lot" would be the understatement of all of history. as a Christian i have eternal life. (let's see mastercard try to pay for this.) i have absolute freedom. i have grace, truth, mercy, and unconditional love from God. i am a daughter of the King. translation? i'm a princess, royalty. i am co- heir with Christ. what's Christ going to inherit? everything.
the "have nots" of life are endless, but the "haves" of life as a Christian are infinite too so intead of letting a "have not" mentality define my enjoyment of life, i find that letting a "have" mentality works much muuuuch better.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
hidden gems
one of my profs was talking about the importance of doing research manually by looking through book stacks so i thought i'd take him up on that. i just took a little trip down to the basement to the government book stack section to find WTO Agreements and Public Health. granted it took me half an hour to find something that was staring at me in the face (it was the first book that was facing me albeit on a lower shelf), BUT i discovered a hidden gem down there. moveable bookshelves!!!! call me a nerd, but it was soo cool. all you had to do was to push a button and the shelf would move to one side, revealing an aisle where you can walk in and browse. then if you needed another aisle, you just push another button. AND get this, when you stepped in a light went on. i felt like i was in some kind of fantasy/sci- fi movie. it'd been cool if i had been transported to another place or something. that totally made my day. and yes i did stand there pushing buttons for fun.....
Friday, March 24, 2006
my God is more than worthy...
i had a difficult conversation with my mom this afternoon regarding joining staff. it seems like it's creating a lot of tension these days. probably because i can't express myself properly in chinese.
"why can't you just get a normal job? it'll be more secure. you don't have to beg for money."
"who's going to support you full-time all the time?"
"how can you take care of yourself that way?"
"be a teacher and go on missions during your summer vacation."
"why don't you just stay put at a church in Toronto? there's a need in Toronto. why do you have to keep going places?"
and so on and so forth...
while some of her comments are valid and others are not i understand that it is out of concern for me that she's asking these questions. but it's not a matter of my choice anymore. i can't deny the calling on my life into full-time ministry. i can't disobey. i don't want to disobey. how does one explain a call?
she worries about my ability to take of myself financially as staff, and i get stressed out too because honestly i've never taken care of myself before financially. but i realize in essence she's questioning God's faithfulness. is God going to be faithful or not in meeting my needs? i realize that my abilities are not on trial here, His faithfulness is. in one way or another He's going to prove Himself faithful. i have nothing to prove.
my God is worthy of everything that i could ever offer to Him and more.
"why can't you just get a normal job? it'll be more secure. you don't have to beg for money."
"who's going to support you full-time all the time?"
"how can you take care of yourself that way?"
"be a teacher and go on missions during your summer vacation."
"why don't you just stay put at a church in Toronto? there's a need in Toronto. why do you have to keep going places?"
and so on and so forth...
while some of her comments are valid and others are not i understand that it is out of concern for me that she's asking these questions. but it's not a matter of my choice anymore. i can't deny the calling on my life into full-time ministry. i can't disobey. i don't want to disobey. how does one explain a call?
she worries about my ability to take of myself financially as staff, and i get stressed out too because honestly i've never taken care of myself before financially. but i realize in essence she's questioning God's faithfulness. is God going to be faithful or not in meeting my needs? i realize that my abilities are not on trial here, His faithfulness is. in one way or another He's going to prove Himself faithful. i have nothing to prove.
my God is worthy of everything that i could ever offer to Him and more.
pooped
fridays are not what they use to be. they're not easy days anymore. these past few weeks i've realized that fridays are actually really hard days. i still look forward to them because of the weekend, but by the time friday rolls around i'm beyond pooped. they could be such ghastly, carnal days. ah, but the Lord is good.
Isaiah 40: 27-31
Why do you say, O Jacob [Shelly!]
and speak, O Israel [Xiao Yue]
"My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
the Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be wary and young men shall fall exhausted; [like me]
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40: 27-31
Why do you say, O Jacob [Shelly!]
and speak, O Israel [Xiao Yue]
"My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
the Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be wary and young men shall fall exhausted; [like me]
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
interesting...
well tonight's class has definitely been "interesting" to say the least. funny how the word "interesting" has taken on a ambivalent meaning these days. we watched part of sex and the city as part of the gender and social structures in cities part in our course. and to think i almost didn't go. it's an interesting way to get a student's attention and the show is witty...but oh so sketch.
this goes down in history with the chem class that learned about the chemical components of marijuana, the politics class with the simpson episode (this one was actually decent), and the lodging class with all those britney spears references. it's "interesting" to see what some profs would resort to maintain interest. i guess it's good that they make an effort instead of those that don't. but wouldn't it be better if they were just better lecturers?
this goes down in history with the chem class that learned about the chemical components of marijuana, the politics class with the simpson episode (this one was actually decent), and the lodging class with all those britney spears references. it's "interesting" to see what some profs would resort to maintain interest. i guess it's good that they make an effort instead of those that don't. but wouldn't it be better if they were just better lecturers?
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
close but no cigar
ok so i was keen enough to book my ticket for calgary, but i wasn't keen enough to have read the acceptance package to find out that we're suppose to be there on april 30th instead of may 1st. crap. it was providence that zoe told me before may 1st. i guess gmail chat's good for something. i'm beholden to it now. i wonder how long it will take before that takes over msn in the same way that msn overtook icq. or maybe one day we'll all outgrow msn and instant msging altogether. i wish mozilla would take over internet explorer. everyone should convert to mozilla.
---edit---
the reason that i like mozilla so much is because it has this feature called a "live bookmark", which tells you when your favourite blogs that you've bookmarked has been updated. so no more random, hope for the best, maybe it's updated, in the dark visits to blogs. it works for sites with rss feeds. as of right now i think only blogspot has this feature. implication: all you blogspot users, your visitor count just went down by like 10-15 a day. :D i.e. lydia. it's not that you have a lot of blog stalkers....it's that you have one; me.
---end edit---
on a brighter note, kirsten and i planned out stuff for an international development movement development area next year and boy am i ever pumped! so psyched to be where i am right now, and so pumped for next year. it's going to be busy but what a BLAST it's going to be. i toyed with the idea of lapping, but really... i would only be staying for the ministry so why not just graduate and get out of here and do it full-time. i'm going to call in for my staff application in august. just around four months left. Ooohhhh so exciting. i can't wait to get the ball rolling.
---edit---
the reason that i like mozilla so much is because it has this feature called a "live bookmark", which tells you when your favourite blogs that you've bookmarked has been updated. so no more random, hope for the best, maybe it's updated, in the dark visits to blogs. it works for sites with rss feeds. as of right now i think only blogspot has this feature. implication: all you blogspot users, your visitor count just went down by like 10-15 a day. :D i.e. lydia. it's not that you have a lot of blog stalkers....it's that you have one; me.
---end edit---
on a brighter note, kirsten and i planned out stuff for an international development movement development area next year and boy am i ever pumped! so psyched to be where i am right now, and so pumped for next year. it's going to be busy but what a BLAST it's going to be. i toyed with the idea of lapping, but really... i would only be staying for the ministry so why not just graduate and get out of here and do it full-time. i'm going to call in for my staff application in august. just around four months left. Ooohhhh so exciting. i can't wait to get the ball rolling.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
can't have my cake and eat it too
it's crunch time. i thought i had a breather before finals. boy, was i ever wrong. i checked the planner over the weekend and i almost panicked. i don't have a "breather" until after finals are over. but even then i have to pack madly, MOVE, and then dash off to the wild wild west. at least my ticket's booked. 7:15am westjet. fun times. i'll be the one with the neon sign saying "calgary project 2006" or something along those lines.
so this means i have to drag myself to the library again. i was thinking like lydia, if i had a study buddy it wouldn't be so bad, but in reality who am i kidding, no studying would be done. can't have my cake and eat it too. maybe if someone took away my voice.......
on a brighter note,
things to look forward to in calgary
~amazing fellowship
~great training
~the mountains
~seeing old friends again
~making new ones
~banff
~mountain retreats
~having QT's outside w0000t
~calgary stampede
~making some moolah
~summer weather
and a whole lotta more stuff that i prolly don't expect...so excited!
to kick myself into focus,
things that need to be done before calgary
~plan year end banquet (funny how i do this when i'm not in hotel and food admin anymore. God has a sense of humour)
~write major term paper
~finish DG strong
~study for , write, and PASS my finals (just three more rounds of these babies...hopefully)
~pass my G (oh mummy! yiiiiikes)
~pack and move (easier said than done)
~renew health card (guelph doesn't have a ministry of health?!?!?!!)
~find a job
~raise support for calgary (and everything that it entails...)
there that doesn't seem so daunting when written....although i feel like i'm forgetting something really important......hate that feeling
on a random note. i'm out of PB ice cream and it's only Tuesday. this is going to be one loong week. :P
so this means i have to drag myself to the library again. i was thinking like lydia, if i had a study buddy it wouldn't be so bad, but in reality who am i kidding, no studying would be done. can't have my cake and eat it too. maybe if someone took away my voice.......
on a brighter note,
things to look forward to in calgary
~amazing fellowship
~great training
~the mountains
~seeing old friends again
~making new ones
~banff
~mountain retreats
~having QT's outside w0000t
~calgary stampede
~making some moolah
~summer weather
and a whole lotta more stuff that i prolly don't expect...so excited!
to kick myself into focus,
things that need to be done before calgary
~plan year end banquet (funny how i do this when i'm not in hotel and food admin anymore. God has a sense of humour)
~write major term paper
~finish DG strong
~study for , write, and PASS my finals (just three more rounds of these babies...hopefully)
~pass my G (oh mummy! yiiiiikes)
~pack and move (easier said than done)
~renew health card (guelph doesn't have a ministry of health?!?!?!!)
~find a job
~raise support for calgary (and everything that it entails...)
there that doesn't seem so daunting when written....although i feel like i'm forgetting something really important......hate that feeling
on a random note. i'm out of PB ice cream and it's only Tuesday. this is going to be one loong week. :P
Saturday, March 18, 2006
defying cultural boundaries by going where no azn has gone before...
square-dancing.
ok i'm sure there have been azns who've been square-dancing sometime in history, but whatevs. there sure wasn't a lot when becky and i went to the annual college royal square-dancing competition tonight. it was like a throwback to when i was in grade school in oklahoma when we square-danced at school. i think had flouncy skirts back then.
it was so much fun. it was awesome to see the the different costumes and the different routines. plus pat, matt, and tyler were competing so it was fun to cheer them on. pat's set won third, and he also won first for calling for another set. w00t! for all those square-dancing haters. don't be hatin' cuz you be missin' out yo! embrace thy inner aggie.
the highlight of my week was getting a taste of square-dancing when the judges were out deliberating. becky and i got to do three square dances. she danced with tyler and i danced with some random high school kid who i didn't and still don't know the name of. meh. it was GREAT. hahaha. so much fun and i worked up an appetite. mad props to guys who can dance, and who can lead! dude, you know they're good when they can lead a newbie girl. i think it's so sad that there is somewhat of a stigma with guys and girls dancing together. yes some forms of dancing like grinding in hip-hop can get uber sketch, but there's no need to throw out the baby with the bathwater. dancing's what you make it out to be. it can be sketch if the intentions are sketch, but i digress...back to square-dancing.
there were some funny calls like the "cheat and swing" where one guy from one pair goes and dances with another pair in the square. then when the caller yells "cheat and swing" both guys have to "fight" for the girl and swing her around. the "dip and dive" was cool too. basically it was a series of couples making arches and the others dipping and diving underneath them. i probably butchered those descriptions. hahaha yikes.
i loved it. i kinda wish that i was an aggie. they have this solidarity that other faculties lack. i wish i was one so i could enter in a square-dancing competition. i'd get to wear those flouncy skirts! anyh00t here's some pictures of the pros.
this is matt and tyler's set in competition.
ok i'm sure there have been azns who've been square-dancing sometime in history, but whatevs. there sure wasn't a lot when becky and i went to the annual college royal square-dancing competition tonight. it was like a throwback to when i was in grade school in oklahoma when we square-danced at school. i think had flouncy skirts back then.
it was so much fun. it was awesome to see the the different costumes and the different routines. plus pat, matt, and tyler were competing so it was fun to cheer them on. pat's set won third, and he also won first for calling for another set. w00t! for all those square-dancing haters. don't be hatin' cuz you be missin' out yo! embrace thy inner aggie.
the highlight of my week was getting a taste of square-dancing when the judges were out deliberating. becky and i got to do three square dances. she danced with tyler and i danced with some random high school kid who i didn't and still don't know the name of. meh. it was GREAT. hahaha. so much fun and i worked up an appetite. mad props to guys who can dance, and who can lead! dude, you know they're good when they can lead a newbie girl. i think it's so sad that there is somewhat of a stigma with guys and girls dancing together. yes some forms of dancing like grinding in hip-hop can get uber sketch, but there's no need to throw out the baby with the bathwater. dancing's what you make it out to be. it can be sketch if the intentions are sketch, but i digress...back to square-dancing.
there were some funny calls like the "cheat and swing" where one guy from one pair goes and dances with another pair in the square. then when the caller yells "cheat and swing" both guys have to "fight" for the girl and swing her around. the "dip and dive" was cool too. basically it was a series of couples making arches and the others dipping and diving underneath them. i probably butchered those descriptions. hahaha yikes.
i loved it. i kinda wish that i was an aggie. they have this solidarity that other faculties lack. i wish i was one so i could enter in a square-dancing competition. i'd get to wear those flouncy skirts! anyh00t here's some pictures of the pros.
this is matt and tyler's set in competition.
pat calling for another set.
pat's set. the boys asking the girls to dance and getting totally shafted.
"if at first you don't succeed, try and try again." the second time they went down on their knees. it was so cute!
this move is called "the flying ladies." takes a lot of upper body strength, eh?
this set was SO funny and creative. the girls were "sheep" in a pen, and the boys were shepherds except for one, he was a sheep dog. the way they started was that the boys were choosing which sheep they wanted to buy. ok so if we don't think symbolically along the lines that women are possessions to be bought then it's not sketch. i don't think they meant it that way anyways.
prove what?
the past wednesday during our discipleship time, kirsten made a simple yet profound statement: "you have nothing to prove."
oh.
it's been on repeat in my head since then. i have nothing to prove. i have nothing to prove. i have nothing to prove. no need to prove that i'm a "good" christian, a smart student, a caring dg leader, a thoughtful friend, a filial daughter, and etc... i can just be.
still a sinner saved by grace, already accepted by God. "[my] worst days are never so bad that [i] am beyond the reach of God's grace. And [my] best days are never so good that [i] am beyond the need of God's grace."~jerry bridges
i have nothing left to prove.
oh.
it's been on repeat in my head since then. i have nothing to prove. i have nothing to prove. i have nothing to prove. no need to prove that i'm a "good" christian, a smart student, a caring dg leader, a thoughtful friend, a filial daughter, and etc... i can just be.
still a sinner saved by grace, already accepted by God. "[my] worst days are never so bad that [i] am beyond the reach of God's grace. And [my] best days are never so good that [i] am beyond the need of God's grace."~jerry bridges
i have nothing left to prove.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
the consumption of culture
[contains heavy economic illustrations. may not make sense. requirements: introductory microeconomics and introductory macroeconomics. jokes jokes!]
*newsflash* today i blurted out in the clubs' office "i don't like china." freudian slip? maybe. maybe not. it was so reminiscent of my 2004 outburst in the middle of BJ. although it wasn't as harsh as it was then. i think my exact words two years ago were "I HATE THIS PLACE", and even then it was more of a scream than an emphatic statement.
so it got me thinking about what exactly defines me as "chinese" because would a self-respecting, culturally "pure" chinese person ever admit that he/she doesn't like the motherland? it's almost heretical. some would critize the country or admit they don't like an aspect of it. some wouldn't. both would do so out of love for China, the former in hopes it can improve, but no one would say that they didn't like the country though.
me? i don't have that kind of hardcore love/patriotism. when push comes to shove, it's "GO CANADA" because my selfish interests are vested in the welfare of Canada. some would call that being "whitewashed". i sometimes even call myself that. but i propose a different paradigm in which i am only a consumer and the products that i consume are cultural goods. by cultural goods i mean: pop culture, cultural norms and etiquette, holidays, customs, language, etc...
i would argue that being brought up in two different cultures as opposed to the one culture that most children are reared in, has given me immediate access to both the chinese "cultural market" and the canadian "cultural market". whereas for children who are reared in one culture, they need to earn their access to another "cultural" market by learning and becoming accustomed to a new culture. hello culture shock. but for me the two cultures are "innate".
so since i have easy access to two markets i can substitute goods that i like in the canadian market for goods that i don't like in the chinese market and vice versa. for example my mom and i both don't like the chinese style of parenting. SWITCH. another example, i don't like milk so i swap it for soy milk. for holidays i celebrate all the major canadian holidays and some major chinese ones. english is the easier language so i consume that "cultural good". and so on and so forth.
bottomline? i tweak both cultures to my own benefit. i take what i like and reject what i don't. (i.e. horking. it's disgusting) i am neither culturally pure chinese or culturally pure canadian. i'm chinese canadian; a fusion inside. i think i've finally come to terms with that. i guess that's why i get riled when people are "racist" not because i consider myself chinese, but i consider myself the same as them, canadian, yet they try to set me apart on the basis of my skin, hair, and eye colour. that's also why i get riled in chines when people say "you look chinese...but you're from canada?" would it be easier if i looked fused on the outside as well?
i think maybe...one day i will write a book. but remember folks you heard it here first. ;) jokes. nothing's new under the sun.
*newsflash* today i blurted out in the clubs' office "i don't like china." freudian slip? maybe. maybe not. it was so reminiscent of my 2004 outburst in the middle of BJ. although it wasn't as harsh as it was then. i think my exact words two years ago were "I HATE THIS PLACE", and even then it was more of a scream than an emphatic statement.
so it got me thinking about what exactly defines me as "chinese" because would a self-respecting, culturally "pure" chinese person ever admit that he/she doesn't like the motherland? it's almost heretical. some would critize the country or admit they don't like an aspect of it. some wouldn't. both would do so out of love for China, the former in hopes it can improve, but no one would say that they didn't like the country though.
me? i don't have that kind of hardcore love/patriotism. when push comes to shove, it's "GO CANADA" because my selfish interests are vested in the welfare of Canada. some would call that being "whitewashed". i sometimes even call myself that. but i propose a different paradigm in which i am only a consumer and the products that i consume are cultural goods. by cultural goods i mean: pop culture, cultural norms and etiquette, holidays, customs, language, etc...
i would argue that being brought up in two different cultures as opposed to the one culture that most children are reared in, has given me immediate access to both the chinese "cultural market" and the canadian "cultural market". whereas for children who are reared in one culture, they need to earn their access to another "cultural" market by learning and becoming accustomed to a new culture. hello culture shock. but for me the two cultures are "innate".
so since i have easy access to two markets i can substitute goods that i like in the canadian market for goods that i don't like in the chinese market and vice versa. for example my mom and i both don't like the chinese style of parenting. SWITCH. another example, i don't like milk so i swap it for soy milk. for holidays i celebrate all the major canadian holidays and some major chinese ones. english is the easier language so i consume that "cultural good". and so on and so forth.
bottomline? i tweak both cultures to my own benefit. i take what i like and reject what i don't. (i.e. horking. it's disgusting) i am neither culturally pure chinese or culturally pure canadian. i'm chinese canadian; a fusion inside. i think i've finally come to terms with that. i guess that's why i get riled when people are "racist" not because i consider myself chinese, but i consider myself the same as them, canadian, yet they try to set me apart on the basis of my skin, hair, and eye colour. that's also why i get riled in chines when people say "you look chinese...but you're from canada?" would it be easier if i looked fused on the outside as well?
i think maybe...one day i will write a book. but remember folks you heard it here first. ;) jokes. nothing's new under the sun.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
desperate housewives
http://www.kcf.org/resources/sermons.html
check out the "desperate housewives" sermon.
such a GREAT sermon. SOLID teaching and such good impressions. hahaha oh man. listen to it!
edit----
good question J! it's about marriage- finding your mate. he addresses both men and women. it's amazing. like some of the stuff cru peeps already know. like with the whole find your purpose first thing. but he lays down the biblical basis for it, and it's such a good reminder that God KNOWS what we need. we don't need to tell the Lord, "behold, i LACK!". hahaha oh man. there's a lot of "OH!" moments when understanding dawns. it's FRESH. i'm going to listen to it again when i have time.
check out the "desperate housewives" sermon.
such a GREAT sermon. SOLID teaching and such good impressions. hahaha oh man. listen to it!
edit----
good question J! it's about marriage- finding your mate. he addresses both men and women. it's amazing. like some of the stuff cru peeps already know. like with the whole find your purpose first thing. but he lays down the biblical basis for it, and it's such a good reminder that God KNOWS what we need. we don't need to tell the Lord, "behold, i LACK!". hahaha oh man. there's a lot of "OH!" moments when understanding dawns. it's FRESH. i'm going to listen to it again when i have time.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
this and that
this is one of those "i need to keep myself sane" blogs. a few musings from today.
the true meaning of research
research in university really just means go find yourself a whole pile of extra readings. that's it. nothing more, nothing less. just find something, read it, and write about it. to think i've been so intimidated by this all these years. what a pity cuz it's 90% econ courses next year.
pet peeves
today suz and i were having a really nice chat together at paiges until the couple behind us decided to publicly display their affections. it wouldn't have been so bad since they were behind us were it not for the fact that they were kissing across a table and so when they disengaged it made a smacking/sucking sound like a plunger being.... unplunged(?) cringe. awwwwkward. so then throughout the entire day i started compiling a list of my pet peeves when i got bored.
1. any PDA beyond holding hands and casual side hugs.
2. when people spell my name "shelley".
3. when people don't give others the benefit of doubt.
4. nylon socks with sandals. my oex peeps knows what i'm talking about well at least the girls anyways.
5. when i run out of white out and have to cross mistakes out.
6. when things are lost in translation like the lyrics to "qing fei de yi".
i think those were the only ones i thought of. it's not good to think negatively anyways.
Spirit-filled life
we were talking about the Spirit-filled life in discipleship group today about how we could fake it only for so long. i think the past three weeks (not including the last four days) i was tricking myself into thinking that i was Spirit-filled. basically living in denial. but man alive, it feels sooo GOOD to live by the Spirit. these past 4 days weren't the easiest 4 days of my life nor were they uber hard, but i've definitely been having the BEST four days of my life in a loong time especially today even though there was a minor house conflict and another bump in the road. i feel like i could soar away. love it. God is good. mhmm-hmm.
Trials
i think last week i was getting nervous about all the possible trials God could and would put me through next year. hence the "i'm bracing for impact" comment. so silly worrying about trials that haven't happened. but that's just having a bad perspective on trials because we are suppose to rejoice when trials happen. read this in my devo today.
God allows trials in our lives not for his own enjoyment or to spite us, but to draw us away from our pride, selfishness, and other sings. He uses them to bring us closer to himself and to teach us as we endure difficulties. He proves he's the only Person to run to, the only One who can be depended on. He's the God who won't let us down.
Lamentations 3:19-24
Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."
the true meaning of research
research in university really just means go find yourself a whole pile of extra readings. that's it. nothing more, nothing less. just find something, read it, and write about it. to think i've been so intimidated by this all these years. what a pity cuz it's 90% econ courses next year.
pet peeves
today suz and i were having a really nice chat together at paiges until the couple behind us decided to publicly display their affections. it wouldn't have been so bad since they were behind us were it not for the fact that they were kissing across a table and so when they disengaged it made a smacking/sucking sound like a plunger being.... unplunged(?) cringe. awwwwkward. so then throughout the entire day i started compiling a list of my pet peeves when i got bored.
1. any PDA beyond holding hands and casual side hugs.
2. when people spell my name "shelley".
3. when people don't give others the benefit of doubt.
4. nylon socks with sandals. my oex peeps knows what i'm talking about well at least the girls anyways.
5. when i run out of white out and have to cross mistakes out.
6. when things are lost in translation like the lyrics to "qing fei de yi".
i think those were the only ones i thought of. it's not good to think negatively anyways.
Spirit-filled life
we were talking about the Spirit-filled life in discipleship group today about how we could fake it only for so long. i think the past three weeks (not including the last four days) i was tricking myself into thinking that i was Spirit-filled. basically living in denial. but man alive, it feels sooo GOOD to live by the Spirit. these past 4 days weren't the easiest 4 days of my life nor were they uber hard, but i've definitely been having the BEST four days of my life in a loong time especially today even though there was a minor house conflict and another bump in the road. i feel like i could soar away. love it. God is good. mhmm-hmm.
Trials
i think last week i was getting nervous about all the possible trials God could and would put me through next year. hence the "i'm bracing for impact" comment. so silly worrying about trials that haven't happened. but that's just having a bad perspective on trials because we are suppose to rejoice when trials happen. read this in my devo today.
God allows trials in our lives not for his own enjoyment or to spite us, but to draw us away from our pride, selfishness, and other sings. He uses them to bring us closer to himself and to teach us as we endure difficulties. He proves he's the only Person to run to, the only One who can be depended on. He's the God who won't let us down.
Lamentations 3:19-24
Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."
Monday, March 13, 2006
phil wang and meteor garden stole my heart
ok i feel like a teeny bopper again. lol
i love this song. for all my guelphites, wait no..for all non-azns, it's from a really popular taiwanese drama called "meteor garden" that was adapted from a japanese comic. the rough translation of the lyrics is shown in the beginning. the white guy is so funny. hahaha.
i love this song. for all my guelphites, wait no..for all non-azns, it's from a really popular taiwanese drama called "meteor garden" that was adapted from a japanese comic. the rough translation of the lyrics is shown in the beginning. the white guy is so funny. hahaha.
you know you're chinese WHEN...
your mom owns a soy bean milk maker. yup that's right my aunt gave my mom a soy bean milk maker. it's like a coffee grinder, but i think with soy beans. you just put in the soy beans, it grinds it, and turns it into soy milk. that was her trump card for getting me to go home this summer. not that i wasn't going home in the first place, but oh man this makes me laugh. she was like "now you get fresh soy milk and don't have to drink the stuff from wal-mart". the stuff they sold in wal-mart was the white version of soy milk. i didn't like it. i like my chinese soy milk, but i couldn't have it a lot when i went home because we were quite a while away from flushing. i'm a creature of habit, but i think i can get it here in guelph....i just remembered.
anyways so the tongue in chic [pun intended] comments about vanity got me thinking about 1 peter 3:3-5 again.
Do not let your adorning be external- the braidng of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.
i think the first time i read this a while back, i was like "crap". i want the "imperishable beauty" that's precious in God's sight, but "gentle and quiet spirit"? so not me. i think everyone would describe me as "loud". but then i think a friend was like there's a difference in personality and the inner spirit. i don't know. how does one go about cultivating a gentle and quiet spirit? what does it look like? anyways food for thought.
on another note. i'm now majoring only in ID with a minor in ECON. sad. it would have been feasible if i had started the double major right off the bat in first year. oh wells. another good quote from my econ prof's office.
"talk is cheap because supply is high and demand is low". ~unknown.
another reminder to talk less and listen more. i tend to be long winded. i hope i don't end up being one of those boring, nagging, grannies. eewwww.
anyways so the tongue in chic [pun intended] comments about vanity got me thinking about 1 peter 3:3-5 again.
Do not let your adorning be external- the braidng of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.
i think the first time i read this a while back, i was like "crap". i want the "imperishable beauty" that's precious in God's sight, but "gentle and quiet spirit"? so not me. i think everyone would describe me as "loud". but then i think a friend was like there's a difference in personality and the inner spirit. i don't know. how does one go about cultivating a gentle and quiet spirit? what does it look like? anyways food for thought.
on another note. i'm now majoring only in ID with a minor in ECON. sad. it would have been feasible if i had started the double major right off the bat in first year. oh wells. another good quote from my econ prof's office.
"talk is cheap because supply is high and demand is low". ~unknown.
another reminder to talk less and listen more. i tend to be long winded. i hope i don't end up being one of those boring, nagging, grannies. eewwww.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
college royal pictures
ok lydders, i concede. here are some pictures.
ashley and ryan. aka rashley aka ashyan aka kreundler. the happy couple. seeing them brings the hugest smile to my face and makes my heart giddy with joy. something's right in this world after all. ;) so cute!!! hehehe. i feel like an azn auntie.
here's the best full body shot that i have. becky and i under a palm tree. and yes that is a tiara. :D
cheers to an awesome house next year. our annual mocktail tradition. the make-up's all melted by this time. haha. i kinda felt it oozing off my face. :P haha it rawks to be a girl.
ashley and ryan. aka rashley aka ashyan aka kreundler. the happy couple. seeing them brings the hugest smile to my face and makes my heart giddy with joy. something's right in this world after all. ;) so cute!!! hehehe. i feel like an azn auntie.
here's the best full body shot that i have. becky and i under a palm tree. and yes that is a tiara. :D
cheers to an awesome house next year. our annual mocktail tradition. the make-up's all melted by this time. haha. i kinda felt it oozing off my face. :P haha it rawks to be a girl.
bust a move in the dance circle! trev-dawg, lauren, becky, jill, and katie with margie's head in the foreground.
ok i couldn't resist. another picture of the happy couple. truth be told i took more pictures of these two than anyone else. *cheshire cat grin*
dancing into the night
last night was the annual college royal ball here at moo U. i had a BLAST! oh it was so good. i love getting dressed up and dancing the night away. or at least pretending to know how to "dance". hahaha. ohmigosh it was all good when the music was hip hop cuz i can actually boogey to that, but when we went to the country, the swing, and the jazz room it was like i had two left feet. it's an irksome feeling when you want to dance properly, but you don't know the moves. so i just spent half the time gawking at the really good dancers trying to pick up something and then half the time i goofed off and i pretended to know how to dance to country and swing. i couldn't bother with jazz. it was way out of my league. hahaha. oh man it was SO jokes. it was so much fun!
in the country room, heather and i got tyler one of the aggie guys to teach us how to two step. he was sooo good. all these twirls, turns, and DIPS! i'm all for the dips. then we tried to teach the other guys to two step. i'd say for me it was pretty much the blind leading the blind. :D hahaha i joked to heather that we should start a dance movement by winning guys over to dancing, building them up in their skill, and sending them out to teach other people. not that we were qualified to teach them "skills". :P i've GOT to learn how to dance. it'd be that much funner. i got to get myself to one of those salsa nights.
my feet were so sore at the end of the night. it reminded me of the fairy tale "the twelve princesses" where there were twelve princesses who wore out their shoes every night dancing. for the record it's not a smart idea to walk barefoot in march not so much because of the rocks but because the ground is SO cold. i suffered more from the cold than the stones. so don't go barefoot in march girls. i'm glad that girls don't wear stilettos to university at guelph. i think i would die. i would look pretty, but i would die.
my only regret from the night was that i didn't take enough pictures. i only have 31 and they're pretty crappy ones at that. my camera's pretty craptacular in dim lighting. i looked so pretty, but the pictures didn't turn out properly. haha yes the vanity comes out. i admit it. no pretty picture to send my mom. but other than that no regrests. no feelings of insecurity, no feelings of envy, and or emotionally crashing afterwards. yay God for personal development! i use to be soo self-conscious about dancing that i wouldn't enjoy myself at all. now's it's just like whatevs c'mon let's go for it. hahaha. i know i'm not the best dancer, but honestly that's not the point of these things. plus there's no point in comparing b/c someone will always be better. might as well have fun. i only live once. last night i kept remembering how i use to be such a wallflower, so insecure, and so envious of all the girls with dates. no pangs of envy and discontentment last night. i admit i still get riled at slow songs, but that's just b/c slow songs just clear the dance floor and they play bad ones too. could it be possible that i'm learning to be content with whatever situation i'm in? what a change. i also thought i was going to crash emotionally coming back to reality because honestly who doesn't want to be a princess dancing 24/7 instead of a uni student with deadlines breathing down her neck? but that didn't happen either. so good. God took good care of me and still is taking care of me.
welps it's back to dancing in front of the mirror until college royal! :D what the hey am i going to do after graduation? hardcore dance classes!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
today i was actually able to get up for church without feeling like death. i shared at church today about my trip to panama in chinese. i think that's the first time i ever shared in chinese. whoa. i didn't think about that before. i'm glad i didn't i might have freaked. it went really well. i prayed that God would loosen my tongue and give me the words to say and He did. it was funny the way i prepped for it though. i wrote the entire thing out in pin yin. misspelled pin yin. haha. oh geez. i went early and got francis to help me with some of the bigger words. it's weird calling him just francis, b/c he's the age of my grandparents. i feel like i should be calling him "ye ye". i cringe inside everytime i call him by his first name. it just feels so disrespectful. but anyh00t i love the community at calvary baptist church. it's like one big family. my pastor is really like the dad of the church. i think i like him so much because he's like the chinese dad i never had. he made fun of me in front of the entire congregation after i shared. lol. so jokes. oh man, but you just gotta love the man. i also met someone from my chinese hometown. man alive, it felt so good to bust out the regional dialect. sooo goood.
in the country room, heather and i got tyler one of the aggie guys to teach us how to two step. he was sooo good. all these twirls, turns, and DIPS! i'm all for the dips. then we tried to teach the other guys to two step. i'd say for me it was pretty much the blind leading the blind. :D hahaha i joked to heather that we should start a dance movement by winning guys over to dancing, building them up in their skill, and sending them out to teach other people. not that we were qualified to teach them "skills". :P i've GOT to learn how to dance. it'd be that much funner. i got to get myself to one of those salsa nights.
my feet were so sore at the end of the night. it reminded me of the fairy tale "the twelve princesses" where there were twelve princesses who wore out their shoes every night dancing. for the record it's not a smart idea to walk barefoot in march not so much because of the rocks but because the ground is SO cold. i suffered more from the cold than the stones. so don't go barefoot in march girls. i'm glad that girls don't wear stilettos to university at guelph. i think i would die. i would look pretty, but i would die.
my only regret from the night was that i didn't take enough pictures. i only have 31 and they're pretty crappy ones at that. my camera's pretty craptacular in dim lighting. i looked so pretty, but the pictures didn't turn out properly. haha yes the vanity comes out. i admit it. no pretty picture to send my mom. but other than that no regrests. no feelings of insecurity, no feelings of envy, and or emotionally crashing afterwards. yay God for personal development! i use to be soo self-conscious about dancing that i wouldn't enjoy myself at all. now's it's just like whatevs c'mon let's go for it. hahaha. i know i'm not the best dancer, but honestly that's not the point of these things. plus there's no point in comparing b/c someone will always be better. might as well have fun. i only live once. last night i kept remembering how i use to be such a wallflower, so insecure, and so envious of all the girls with dates. no pangs of envy and discontentment last night. i admit i still get riled at slow songs, but that's just b/c slow songs just clear the dance floor and they play bad ones too. could it be possible that i'm learning to be content with whatever situation i'm in? what a change. i also thought i was going to crash emotionally coming back to reality because honestly who doesn't want to be a princess dancing 24/7 instead of a uni student with deadlines breathing down her neck? but that didn't happen either. so good. God took good care of me and still is taking care of me.
welps it's back to dancing in front of the mirror until college royal! :D what the hey am i going to do after graduation? hardcore dance classes!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
today i was actually able to get up for church without feeling like death. i shared at church today about my trip to panama in chinese. i think that's the first time i ever shared in chinese. whoa. i didn't think about that before. i'm glad i didn't i might have freaked. it went really well. i prayed that God would loosen my tongue and give me the words to say and He did. it was funny the way i prepped for it though. i wrote the entire thing out in pin yin. misspelled pin yin. haha. oh geez. i went early and got francis to help me with some of the bigger words. it's weird calling him just francis, b/c he's the age of my grandparents. i feel like i should be calling him "ye ye". i cringe inside everytime i call him by his first name. it just feels so disrespectful. but anyh00t i love the community at calvary baptist church. it's like one big family. my pastor is really like the dad of the church. i think i like him so much because he's like the chinese dad i never had. he made fun of me in front of the entire congregation after i shared. lol. so jokes. oh man, but you just gotta love the man. i also met someone from my chinese hometown. man alive, it felt so good to bust out the regional dialect. sooo goood.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
extolling the virtues of the farmer's market
this morning i went to the farmer's market with amanda on the way to checking out some stuff for the yearend formal.
i. love. it.
the food's so cheap and so fresh! i think amanda and i are going to go every saturday morning now. strawberries were $1.50 a pint, but i didn't get any cuz i loaded up on oranges. oyster mushrooms were only $1.50 too, but i saw that after buying two pints of portabello. i lurve my mushrooms. it was awesome. it was really quaint and artsy too. i felt like i was in a movie, a chick flick to be exact. so grown up and chic buying fresh veggies at a farmer's market. hehehehe.
there was also a chinese lady there selling these delicious dumplings, but they were too expensive. the sauce they had for the dumplings was SO good. it was heavenly. i got a taste of it on a toothpick. her husband offered it to me, but get this: her husband's white AND he speaks fluent mandarin! probably more fluent than me! then when i complimented him on his fluency he said "na ni". [rough translation: not really with the connotation that there's room for improvement and the insinuation that i'm being too kind by paying the compliment.] i was pretty much impressed. he knew the nuances of the language. complete fluency in mandarin AND mastery of "chinese modesty". whoa. he's got the culture down pat too. that takes a lot of effort and work. now he was an egg if i ever met one. some CBC's don't even have "chinese modesty". floored. totally floored. his wife told me that he was something of a spectacle when they were back in taiwan. i don't doubt it.
on another note. did you know that the word "lurve" is actually used by j.k. rowling in the sixth harry potter book? i thought it was just a rogue word spawned by the internet. i got excited when i read that last night.
i. love. it.
the food's so cheap and so fresh! i think amanda and i are going to go every saturday morning now. strawberries were $1.50 a pint, but i didn't get any cuz i loaded up on oranges. oyster mushrooms were only $1.50 too, but i saw that after buying two pints of portabello. i lurve my mushrooms. it was awesome. it was really quaint and artsy too. i felt like i was in a movie, a chick flick to be exact. so grown up and chic buying fresh veggies at a farmer's market. hehehehe.
there was also a chinese lady there selling these delicious dumplings, but they were too expensive. the sauce they had for the dumplings was SO good. it was heavenly. i got a taste of it on a toothpick. her husband offered it to me, but get this: her husband's white AND he speaks fluent mandarin! probably more fluent than me! then when i complimented him on his fluency he said "na ni". [rough translation: not really with the connotation that there's room for improvement and the insinuation that i'm being too kind by paying the compliment.] i was pretty much impressed. he knew the nuances of the language. complete fluency in mandarin AND mastery of "chinese modesty". whoa. he's got the culture down pat too. that takes a lot of effort and work. now he was an egg if i ever met one. some CBC's don't even have "chinese modesty". floored. totally floored. his wife told me that he was something of a spectacle when they were back in taiwan. i don't doubt it.
on another note. did you know that the word "lurve" is actually used by j.k. rowling in the sixth harry potter book? i thought it was just a rogue word spawned by the internet. i got excited when i read that last night.
isn't it ironic?
two days ago, i was falling asleep everywhere and anywhere. tonight i can't fall asleep at all. i came home straight from weekly meeting just so i could get to sleep early, but here i am @ 12:52am still up and blogging. maybe subconsciously i don't want to sleep because when i wake up from my sleep, i'll find myself in another day that i'm not ready for. time is just carrying me along, rushing me through life. i want it to stop so i can get things done and enjoy life itself. so much for a balanced lifestyle, eh? that's not happening anytime soon. i'm so backlogged in school work that i'm living at the library again. it was the one thing i was trying to avoid this semester.
i want may to come and i don't want may to come. i want it to come so i can be in the mountains, but that means another year gone and a dramatically different new school year on the way with a new season of life at the end. i feel like i'm bracing myself for the impact. i guess this anxiety over the lack of control of my future manifests itself through my task-orientation. at least that's what psychologists would say right? i have been complusively cleaning my room........
i think i just need a vacation.
i want may to come and i don't want may to come. i want it to come so i can be in the mountains, but that means another year gone and a dramatically different new school year on the way with a new season of life at the end. i feel like i'm bracing myself for the impact. i guess this anxiety over the lack of control of my future manifests itself through my task-orientation. at least that's what psychologists would say right? i have been complusively cleaning my room........
i think i just need a vacation.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
the psychology of blogs
another day where i can see the sky go from pitch black to dark blue to light blue tinted with red, orange and pink. one last midterm for this semester.
since i've returned from panama i've consistently blogged every single day, twice on some days even. shnikeys. it just goes to prove my theory from last year that the busier/more stressed i get the more i blog. there is a correlation and no i'm not busting out that correlation formula to figure it out.
psychologically what could be the reason(s)?
1. helps relieve the stress through catharsis aka venting.
2. helps organize thoughts so i don't go bonkers.
3. since i'm living in the library again with minimal social contact, blogging replaces talking to friends in person. at least i'm talking to someone. actually in my head when i blog i talk to myself as if i was out of body and then everyone that reads this is just eavesdropping on my conversation with myself. anyways.
4. it lets the non-guelphites or actually even some guelphites know that i'm still very much alive. the heart's beating, the lung's working, the brain's turning.
now it's time to go get ready to go to school.
since i've returned from panama i've consistently blogged every single day, twice on some days even. shnikeys. it just goes to prove my theory from last year that the busier/more stressed i get the more i blog. there is a correlation and no i'm not busting out that correlation formula to figure it out.
psychologically what could be the reason(s)?
1. helps relieve the stress through catharsis aka venting.
2. helps organize thoughts so i don't go bonkers.
3. since i'm living in the library again with minimal social contact, blogging replaces talking to friends in person. at least i'm talking to someone. actually in my head when i blog i talk to myself as if i was out of body and then everyone that reads this is just eavesdropping on my conversation with myself. anyways.
4. it lets the non-guelphites or actually even some guelphites know that i'm still very much alive. the heart's beating, the lung's working, the brain's turning.
now it's time to go get ready to go to school.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
happy fake birthday to me
i have the best DG girls ever hands down. who gets a card on their fake birthday?! :D ahahaha so good. but then again who actually has a fake birthday? :P so tempted to stay for a victory lap so i can keep being their DG leader. i think....two years is TOO short! i love guelph!!! so ecstatic to be here. i'm really grateful and glad that God put me here even though i was madly gunning for schulich. i don't even want to really think about leaving. the reality of actually leaving after next year is starting to sink in, and it's scary. why can't i just stay here as staff? :( silly question that we all know the answer to...haaaaaa....i feel like i'm being kicked out of "the nest".
it's too early to start moping. as a good friend would say "suck it up cupcake". :D can't be too comfy. gotta step out and step up to challenges. anyh00t one more year of university and then it's out into the real world. *gulp* might as well enjoy it while it lasts. tomorrow's got worries of its own.
have a nice guilt trip
university students are among the top 1% of the world population. the elite of the elite. i'm an elite. you're most likely an elite too if you're reading this. that's one stat that i've heard i think twice in the last week and a half. i've also heard it a lot being an ID student. sounds good, eh? it doesn't make me feel good. it makes me want to hang my head in shame. wait no, i'm already doing that.
what a privilege. what an honour. what am i doing with it? i don't feel like i'm doing much. today is one of the days i feel like i'm squandering my education. i don't feel like i've been doing my studies justice. it's not just the marks, but the knowledge that i learn. i haven't read my IPE textbook at all except for one page.
oh the hypocrisy and melodrama that is my life.
what a privilege. what an honour. what am i doing with it? i don't feel like i'm doing much. today is one of the days i feel like i'm squandering my education. i don't feel like i've been doing my studies justice. it's not just the marks, but the knowledge that i learn. i haven't read my IPE textbook at all except for one page.
oh the hypocrisy and melodrama that is my life.
Monday, March 06, 2006
reconciliation
i didn't realize that i was so highstrung from last week. i thought i was pretty cool. guess not. today when i was chilling @ 699 scottsdale, we listened to some old school celine dion, and i just melted. stress just ooozed out. ah... sooo good. it was reminiscent of younger, simpler, and naiever (is that even a word?) days. actually i don't think things were better way back when, but nostalgia always makes things seem nicer.
so my dad (biological) called from cali today. long story short i think we're reconciled. i kind of feel more whole now. ok i need to go let this sink in.
so my dad (biological) called from cali today. long story short i think we're reconciled. i kind of feel more whole now. ok i need to go let this sink in.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
lessons from exhaustion
this has been a really exhausting week. my body still feels heavy and drained, but it's been eye-opening and humbling for me. i now see the limits of my humanity...for the nth time. i am not superwoman no matter how much i try to be. [i should try to remember this fact.]
1. i need 9-10 hours of sleep.
no less than that. i survived this week on 6 hours a night, and i'm paying dearly for it right now. i have got to stop comparing myself to my crazy engineer friends at UT who can pull this one off. actually i don't know if they can pull it off. maybe it's just in my head. i always feel guilty for sleeping too much. funny how it took the comments on www.43things.com [courtesy of katie] to convince me that i shouldn't feel guilty for sleeping. most people said it wasn't worth it to attempt to survive on 4-6 hours. i concur.
2. being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be.
it felt so good to let down my guard and bravado today when talking to my pastor's wife about how stressed i was getting about sunday school. it was a relief to have someone else shoulder the burden with me, to let someone else care for me. i don't think i like being "tough" all the time anymore.
3. i don't have it all together and that's.....ok?
still trying to wrap my head around this one.
4. words. i should watch those words.
i have a theory that i shouldn't be allowed to talk after 11 or when i'm dead tired like i was this week. my thoughts don't make sense in my head and they come out all warped when i speak. people misconstrue the meaning of my words because i'm so incoherent, but then i'm too tired to correct myself. which essentially is lying, isn't it? i mean it takes a lot for me to sort my thoughts when i AM coherent to myself as it is....
5. i still don't have solid boundaries yet.
i need to learn to say no to doing things. getting better at it, but definitely room for improvement.
6. sleeping makes me feel better physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
bottomline. i need my sleep.
1. i need 9-10 hours of sleep.
no less than that. i survived this week on 6 hours a night, and i'm paying dearly for it right now. i have got to stop comparing myself to my crazy engineer friends at UT who can pull this one off. actually i don't know if they can pull it off. maybe it's just in my head. i always feel guilty for sleeping too much. funny how it took the comments on www.43things.com [courtesy of katie] to convince me that i shouldn't feel guilty for sleeping. most people said it wasn't worth it to attempt to survive on 4-6 hours. i concur.
2. being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be.
it felt so good to let down my guard and bravado today when talking to my pastor's wife about how stressed i was getting about sunday school. it was a relief to have someone else shoulder the burden with me, to let someone else care for me. i don't think i like being "tough" all the time anymore.
3. i don't have it all together and that's.....ok?
still trying to wrap my head around this one.
4. words. i should watch those words.
i have a theory that i shouldn't be allowed to talk after 11 or when i'm dead tired like i was this week. my thoughts don't make sense in my head and they come out all warped when i speak. people misconstrue the meaning of my words because i'm so incoherent, but then i'm too tired to correct myself. which essentially is lying, isn't it? i mean it takes a lot for me to sort my thoughts when i AM coherent to myself as it is....
5. i still don't have solid boundaries yet.
i need to learn to say no to doing things. getting better at it, but definitely room for improvement.
6. sleeping makes me feel better physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
bottomline. i need my sleep.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
a lil lesson in spanish
the great thing about spanish is that it sounds the way it looks. no silent e's and s's like in french, but the h's are silent and the j's sound like h's. double l's are pronounced like ya or ja depending on location. so here's the lyrics to "open the eyes of my heart, Lord". go crazy.
Abre mis ojos oh Christo
Abre mis ojos te pido
Yo quiero verte
Yo quiero verte
Y verte
Alto y exaltado
Brillando en la luz de tu gloria
Derrama tu poder y amor
Mientras cantamos Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Yo quiero verte
Abre mis ojos oh Christo
Abre mis ojos te pido
Yo quiero verte
Yo quiero verte
Y verte
Alto y exaltado
Brillando en la luz de tu gloria
Derrama tu poder y amor
Mientras cantamos Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Yo quiero verte
vicarious living
i may not be going on oex this summer...*tear*... hehehehe...but one of my girls potentially might! here i was recruiting hardcore for national project, (wow, i never thought that i would do that. it would have been heresy two years ago.) and she wants to go on OEX. daaaaah! then two of my other girls are applying to join me on nat'l project in calgary this summer!!! excuse me while i go scream wildly with flailing arms around my room in a figurative sense since it is 3:30ish in the morning. i'm going to have to do that literally today sometime. preferably in a large open field.
so it's like i did "clone" myself or rather God cloned me because i can't touch hearts like Him. spiritual multiplication people. spiritual multiplication. so back to the whole "i can't be in 200+ countries at once deal", i'll just stake a claim on one, and God-willing send people to the rest short term and long term! DIBS! "aight i'm going to [insert name of country here]then you go to [insert name of a different country here] and then you go to [insert name of another different country here] and so on and so forth. vicarious living at its best! imagine the post cards. hahaha oh baby can you imagine if you had a discipleship group and each person went on a different project? that would make for one funkadelic discipleship group meeting, the first week back.
God is so amazingly faithful. i still remember sitting in kirsten's discipleship group last semester and whining all the time about how my girls aren't interested in projects. then i find out this semester that they are interested! especially the one about OEX. i was like "how is it that you're in MY discipleship group, interested in OEX, but i don't know about it?" arrogant, i know. craziness. i actually did give up praying for them to go on project last semester. i was like "oh, maybe next year." dah, dah, and dah! pri, it would be SO cool, if she went, and you ended up discipling her. show her the brown ways. :D ahhhhh! God is so good. all praise and glory go to Him! HIM!!!
sidenote: i broke the no coffee/coke after 5pm rule. i had expresso AND coke. cherry coke with extra syrup. yeah. hrm...i thought i would sleep through it. apparently not. lost an euchre game too. brutal. got euchred 3x and they had 2 alone hands. brutes.
so it's like i did "clone" myself or rather God cloned me because i can't touch hearts like Him. spiritual multiplication people. spiritual multiplication. so back to the whole "i can't be in 200+ countries at once deal", i'll just stake a claim on one, and God-willing send people to the rest short term and long term! DIBS! "aight i'm going to [insert name of country here]
God is so amazingly faithful. i still remember sitting in kirsten's discipleship group last semester and whining all the time about how my girls aren't interested in projects. then i find out this semester that they are interested! especially the one about OEX. i was like "how is it that you're in MY discipleship group, interested in OEX, but i don't know about it?" arrogant, i know. craziness. i actually did give up praying for them to go on project last semester. i was like "oh, maybe next year." dah, dah, and dah! pri, it would be SO cool, if she went, and you ended up discipling her. show her the brown ways. :D ahhhhh! God is so good. all praise and glory go to Him! HIM!!!
sidenote: i broke the no coffee/coke after 5pm rule. i had expresso AND coke. cherry coke with extra syrup. yeah. hrm...i thought i would sleep through it. apparently not. lost an euchre game too. brutal. got euchred 3x and they had 2 alone hands. brutes.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
a "sustainable hobby"
well in ID, the definition of the term "sustainable" is highly volatile, but here i take it to mean something that i can keep up. so since realizing that i officially have no life, i've been on a brain journey to figure out what kind of hobbies i could have that are no or low-cost, enjoyable, and maintainable. most of the ideas that i have are to dig my old hobbies out of the woodworks. they worked for me before why not now?
right now i can:
1. bust out that drawing how-to book. maybe i can finally master conte?
2. go to the gym regularly, just in case i can paddle this summer.
3. start practicing piano again even if i can only play those two songs.
4. read more except good fiction is hard to find these days. books are either too smutty or too new age-ish. any good fiction recommendations?
when i have an income i can:
1. take dance lessons.
2. learn how to cook like a pro.
3. watch musicals, ballets, plays, and go to the symphony
4. take piano lessons
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this crazy week is finally drawing to an end. i'm so thankful that God has been so gracious to me with school work. i just kept getting the "right" journals for the report. the math midterm was mostly review from last semester, and the geography midterm wasn't hard at all. thank You, Lord. i would have been completely spent otherwise. i'm still pretty exhausted.
right now i can:
1. bust out that drawing how-to book. maybe i can finally master conte?
2. go to the gym regularly, just in case i can paddle this summer.
3. start practicing piano again even if i can only play those two songs.
4. read more except good fiction is hard to find these days. books are either too smutty or too new age-ish. any good fiction recommendations?
when i have an income i can:
1. take dance lessons.
2. learn how to cook like a pro.
3. watch musicals, ballets, plays, and go to the symphony
4. take piano lessons
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this crazy week is finally drawing to an end. i'm so thankful that God has been so gracious to me with school work. i just kept getting the "right" journals for the report. the math midterm was mostly review from last semester, and the geography midterm wasn't hard at all. thank You, Lord. i would have been completely spent otherwise. i'm still pretty exhausted.
the inevitable question {day 4}
"are you going back to panama?"
i would say that my initial answer would be: "no". my heart has always been for the 10/40 window and for those who are purposely kept from hearing the gospel.
that said, it's a beautiful country with a wonderful culture so i definitely wouldn't mind going back at all. it's really up to God. the problem with the world being my oyster is that there's so many choices!!! i know i'm an easy recruit when it comes to projects, but when it comes to long term i'm a bit more hesitant. i guess i am "everywhere" in that respect as pri once said to me. but only God knows, so i'm just going to leave it to Him.
i would say that my initial answer would be: "no". my heart has always been for the 10/40 window and for those who are purposely kept from hearing the gospel.
that said, it's a beautiful country with a wonderful culture so i definitely wouldn't mind going back at all. it's really up to God. the problem with the world being my oyster is that there's so many choices!!! i know i'm an easy recruit when it comes to projects, but when it comes to long term i'm a bit more hesitant. i guess i am "everywhere" in that respect as pri once said to me. but only God knows, so i'm just going to leave it to Him.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
my wildest dreams {day 3.5}
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