One of the hardest things about burnout is there is no visible manifestation like there would be, say if I was suffering from a broken arm. With a broken arm you can judge accurately when I am finally healed, but with burnout things are not what they seem. Outwardly I might look perfectly fine, but inwardly, it could be a completely different story. Though I have been recuperating, the road to recovery has been an interesting one to navigate as I try to figure out my limits and boundaries for when I'm not "crazy" or at least, for becoming less "crazy".
With the return of the light in my eyes and joy in my smile, comes the fear of others' expectations. "Oh you LOOK fine now! Great! Now you can do this, this, and THIS." The inability to say no because of people- pleasing tendencies, and the failure to watch my boundaries was one of the many reasons I got into this mess in the first place, and being at IBS, taking grad level courses has brought me face to face with the demon of the approval of others'.
The first two weeks bowled me over, and as I approached the "second semester" I considered dropping a class. I was not getting enough sleep and stressed, yet it was interesting to see the thoughts that went through my head as I tried to determine whether or not I would drop the course.
What if my friends thought I was slacking off?
What if my director thought I was slacking off? Am I copping out? Can't I just suck it up and stick it out?
And 'round and 'round it went until finally the question:
Before God: Are you slacking off or can you really not handle a fourth course?
That decided it. I knew I couldn't go into the new school year wearied, but it's been hard because there's no visible indication that I'm not well. The only one is that I've been taking four hour naps to recupe the lost sleep from the past two weeks, and even that can be taken as "slacking off".
It was easy to say no at the nadir of my burnout because...really there was no other option, AND I was under direction from my doctors to say so. I had PERMISSION. There was freedom in saying no because I had a reason. Sorry, going crazy. Can't do it.
But now I'm faced with the expectations of recovery and the kindly suspicion of using burnout as a mental crutch. Since I look fine outwardly, some people automatically think there's other reasons for my fatigue. I don't feel the freedom to say no anymore because I think that I don't have a reason to, AND this is where another part of me goes HOW ABOUT LONG TERM SANITY? HOW'S THAT FOR A REASON?
Even this post in itself is me trying to justify myself and my lack of productivity to the world. Ugh.
To Be Continued...
* Please note all use of the word "crazy" to refer to burnout is facetious. Burnout is serious. I'm just making fun of the stereotype.
i hope you don't feel bad AT ALL for not taking four courses. this really isn't healthy for me. i love what i'm learning, and yes i can do the studying and push myself, but seriously, the stress is not healthy in any way. dj said that he was glad i was being challenged, but i definitely countered his comment with "this is not healthy". no understatement.
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