Remind and Refocus

Today as we were waiting for Easter lunch to cook, a friend and I watched the last bit of the Ten Commandments.  As we were getting near the part where the Israelites freak out after Moses goes M.I.A. for 40 days, I started to get agitated because I knew what was coming.  They were going to give into their fears, and make an idol, even after all that God has done for them.  I was seriously annoyed.

It was such an automatic, visceral reaction to a movie that I started to analyze my response.  It wasn't just the fact that they were going to do something stupid that I reacted so strongly in my heart, it was the fact that the vivid onscreen portrayal of the Israelites' faithlessness and stupidity accurately mirrored my own.  I saw myself doing the exact same thing, forgetting God and turning to idols the minute I get freaked out.

I'd like to think that I always walk by faith, but upon reflection my default setting is to trust myself and not to trust God.  When I enter a "foreign land" whether it's a new situation, a new stage in life, a new responsibility, my automatic instinct is look to myself for help, and not to Christ.  It doesn't bode well especially if I have no clue about what I'm doing.

You'd think I'd learn by now that being self-sufficient isn't the best way to go about life since there are so many things in life where I'm way out of my comfort zone...but no, I still need to constantly remind myself and refocus on Christ.

Five Good Things

1.  Friendly reminders to get off the train when you're near your stop.
2.  Naps.  I wonder how many times naps have made this list.
3.  Portobello mushrooms.
4.  Comfortable heels.
5.  Banter

What's in a Date? What a Few Dates Taught Me About Myself, Life, and God

In my 25.5 years of having lived on this planet, my experience in the romantic realm included:
~ 1 "boyfriend" of a week in high school, of which the relationship consisted of hand-holding and snuggling.  I use the term "boyfriend" very loosely.
~ Multiple murky friend-lationships that hit dead ends once they were defined.  (Definition of friend-lationship was always initiated by me.)
~ Countless unrequited crushes. (Unrequited to my knowledge anyways.)
~ Lots of heartaches that were inflicted upon myself by my own immaturity.

That is all to say, the knowledge and wisdom that I had/have in this area consisted/consists of very little, and what very little that I do have is very theoretical.  So it was quite surprising the things I learned when I actually went on some "dates".  I use term "date" loosely as well.  Don't ask, I'm not going to tell beyond what is here.


1.  Finding a life partner isn't black and white, just as life isn't black and white.
Unfortunately there is no sure-fire formula of a+b+c= finding that someone, as much as I wish there was. I'm sure many of you do too.
I use to think that courtship is the only way to get married, and if my future husband didn't court me, my marriage would eventually fail, but that's not true.
Aside from wise principles of integrity like "guard your heart", "don't date someone with different beliefs", and others, there isn't a black and white, so-called better way to finding a mate.

i.e. courting vs. dating
i.e. online vs. offline
i.e. being friends first vs. being set up

2.  This whole process and every minute detail has to be held with an open hand.  
There are a lot of things that I would prefer to happen on the way to the altar, but more and more I realize that I have to hold them with an open hand, and trust that God has my best in mind.

i.e. like the fact that I use to only want to date and marry staff within my organization.
i.e. like the fact that I think it's completely unromantic to meet my future husband online, and would rather meet him "naturally" and befriend him first.
i.e. like the fact that I don't like being set up.

God is creative, and if He's writing my love story I can't dictate to Him how I want it to happen.

I went against every single preference that I listed above, in the past few weeks.

3.  Clarity is a beautiful thing.
Whether I date or court, I realized that I like clarity.
Whether it's "we're just going on this one date to get to know each other without any expectations of any future romantic attachments" or "we're going to court to see if we're meant for marriage", clarity is a beautiful thing.  It makes it much easier for me to understand where the relationship is, and how to behave, think, and feel accordingly.  The trouble comes when I think there's more to the relationship than there actually is, and my emotions and actions follow that train of thought.
Usually because I overanalyze and read into things.

And no, no one asked to court me.  That was just a hypothetical example.

4.  Dating is emotionally draining for me on two levels.
On one level it's intentionally getting to know someone, which is always draining for me especially if I'm meeting someone new.
On another level it's draining because I'm always monitoring my heart and my thoughts making sure I'm not getting ahead of myself.

5.  First dates make bad first impressions.
I knew that people got nervous on first dates, but most of the guys were more nervous that I expected.  So much so that I was actually surprised at how nervous they were, which was endearing in some cases.

6.  Spiritual compatibility is supremely important to me.
That said even with #5 in mind, lack of spiritual compatibility is definitely a deal breaker even on a first date.
There is no negotiation on this one.

7.  Dating tests my faith in the goodness of God.
If he doesn't like me, if he doesn't ask me out again, if I don't like him, if this relationship doesn't end in marriage, do I still trust that God is good to me?

8.  Dating tests my faith in the sovereignty of God.
If I say something wrong, hurt someone in the process, make a blunder, or get hurt in the process, do I still trust that God is sovereign, and that He ordains all things for the good of those who love Him?

9.  Dating reveals where I find my identity.
Am I crushed when someone doesn't call me back or pursue me because I find my value and worth in how much a man/ any man esteems me?

or

Am I able to let it go and not take it personally, realizing that not everyone's meant for me and that Christ esteems and values me?

10.  Dating reveals where I place my hope.
Do I place my hope in what I see?
i.e. I have hope for a future because there is/are a man/men before me who are potential date(s).

or

Do I place my hope in Christ?
i.e. That whether or not there are potential date(s) around me, He has a good future in store for me.

Five Good Things

1.  A cute light teal dress.
2.  Seeing small budding fruits of my labor. 
Thanks Jesus, You didn't have to, but You did.
3.  Growing in maturity- in being able to make wise choices even though my emotions didn't feel like it.
4.  Slow cookers.
5.  Kettle Chips

In My Head

Things I Want to Blog About, But May Never Get Around To:

1.  Online Dating
2.  S.A.D. the mood disorder and not the mood itself
3.  Being in the middle of a major life decision making process
4.  Things Jesus has been teaching me
5.  Things I've been learning about myself

Guys vs. Girls

For the most part when it comes to looking for a mate, immaturity in girls leads them to think:

"This is the one!",

every time they meet someone they're attracted to, while immaturity in guys leads them to think:

"Can I get someone better?"


I know I'm making sweeping generalizations, but I think this is true for the most part in our Western culture today.

Thoughts?

*EDIT*
In our Western Christian culture.

You're Not Dead Yet

Every girl needs a few older women in their lives.

Women who have walked a little further down this road of life, who can help you navigate the rough terrain, and I've been superbly blessed with a few of these women in my life.

Tonight I had dinner with M.L., her husband, and her adorable baby.

We talked about everything, and there were so many sound bites of wisdom and humour that I just had to dedicate a post to her words.

"You're not dead yet."
This was in response to my lurking fear of making the wrong choices in life.

"You're reformed.  Don't go back to school.  You're just going to get married and have babies."
Upon finding out my theological leanings after I explained my quarter-life crisis, and the options upon options that I have, of which school is one.

"You're going to marry a pastor!  I know it."
After I explained my frustrations with the current state of the local church, the potential that I see it has, and why I prefer parachurch ministry more.

Stuttgart and Cranko

New on the Bucket List:

Watch a performance by the Stuttgart Ballet, preferably in Stuttgart, Germany.
Even though that might not happen soon, the next best thing is to watch Jiri Jelinek perform in one of the National Ballet of Canada's productions, namely Onegin.  He was with Stuttgart for 9 years, and the word on the street is that he is currently the world's best Onegin.  It was so sad that he was out due to an injury.

They can't put Onegin on again too soon.

Also new on the Bucket List:

Watch John Cranko's Romeo & Juliet and Taming of the Shrew.

Ballet is my new thing.

Childish Ways

Hear that sound?

That's the sound of paradigms shifting in my head and heart.

It's the sound of beliefs, of knowledge, of understandings, of myself, of others, and of the world being
challenged
reworked
weighed
turned
deepened.

It's been a full week, and by full, I don't mean busy, although it was that.
By full I mean-
I can't even describe it, but I don't mean busy.

It's been the most interesting of weeks where every night without fail I've had some sort of conversation that's changed me, and I think, matured me.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.  1 Corinthians 13: 11

I've come away from this week with the realization that I have been quite...childish, in speech, in thought, in reason, and as a result in behaviour, and it has been enlightening.

Five Good Things

1.  Above 10 and below 25 weather.

2.  Reunions.

3.  Onegin.  

4.  Brown Eyeliner.

5.  SMS.

5 Current Musings On Singleness

1)  Life is so good without boy drama!
What is it about boy drama that just throws you more than anything else it seems?
Unfortunately it seems boy drama is the gauntlet you have to pass through to marriage.
Unless you have an arranged marriage.

2) It's much easier being content with being singleness when you're not over the moon for someone.
But then I start complaining about the lack of Christian men.
Bad on me.

3) I'm incredibly thankful that God hasn't allowed any boy drama into my life in the past few months.

4) There are a lot of perks to being single.

5) I can be content and want to be married at the same time.  They're not exclusive.

March Goals

I'm not even going to repost my February goals because I failed them all.  
That's right, all.
Methinks I was overly ambitious especially in light of that big project that I just finished.

Alright, here we go for March.

1.  Eat breakfast 5/7 days a week.
Gotta start small.
2.  Eat fruit 5/7 days a week.
3.  Climb 16 flights once a week.

4.  Plan BFF's shower.

5.  Finish editing wedding set and engagement set.

Animation Shorts

I can only hope that one day my talent can match this:

Undina from Amanda Zima on Vimeo.

The Monkey and the Elephant from Boris Maras on Vimeo.

Five Good Things

1.  Parachute By Ingrid Michaelson
This song is literally on repeat on my iPhone. I cannot stop listening to it. It's the perfect "hopeless romantic" song.

2. Yogurt Parfaits
I've started eating yogurt parfaits in the morning in my attempt to be healthier

3. Sketching at the ROM
I've boycotted the ROM ever since that fateful visit in '99 when I realized that the ROM's special exhibit couldn't even match the MET's normal exhibit. I was (and still am) a bit of a museum snob. I went to sketch there, and it wasn't too bad, but I am still boycotting Ontario museums. Spoiled I know.

4. Encouraging Friends
I had to submit a little something something this past Wednesday, and it kinda drove me nuts. During this past week I also started to think that I was a bit nuts, well a little more nuts than usual for attempting this. I was and am so thankful for all the words of encouragement.

5. Spring is in the Air
I know it's cold, but to me spring is here. There's that lovely scent of spring, and those chirping birds.
I wonder who's going to get spring fever this year?

T-Rex Bone Study

Pictures of a study that I did of T-Rex bones in 15 minute intervals.

How To Manage a Budget with Envelopes

Money management is one of my major weaknesses.
Conquering my unruly spending habits was one of my goals to become more like a responsible adult when I turned 25.

I've tried many different methods:

1.  Keeping Receipts
Keeping receipt on everything I purchased and entering it into an excel sheet.
It was tedious and I hated the mess in my wallet with all the receipts.
It was sobering to see what exactly what I spent my money on, but it didn't curb my spending habits by much.

2.  Apps
Then I sort of switched to Home Budget an iPhone/iTouch app that allowed to enter in my purchases as I made them so I didn't have to keep stacks of receipts.
But that didn't work either.

3.  The Envelope Method
Back in university I kept to my meagre student budget using the envelope method in which I made a budget and kept to the budget by putting the cash into separate envelopes designated for certain things such as groceries and allowance.  No credit cards were carried on my person, and the debit card was only in the wallet for emergency purposes only.

It wasn't very high tech, but this one actually worked.  Since I was on a cash only system I saw how much I was spending, and how much I had left.  Voila instant accountability.  There was a constant reminder of how much I could spend, and since I was strapped I couldn't just buy that gorgeous necklace that I "had" to have on a whim.

Unfortunately upon graduation I thought that I had enough self-control to do away with this method, but I was wrong so back to it I go-  this time with prettier envelopes from The Paper Place.

31 Days of Glamour

My life isn't as glamourous as I'd hoped it to be.  Remember you're reading the blog of a hopeless romantic.  But then life always looks more glamourous through the lens of a camera.  

So here's my 31 Days of Glamour project.  

How glam my average 20 something life looks through the lens of my iphone.  

And maybe my DSLR. 

That'll up the glam level by lots.

For today I present dried pink roses on top of my dresser.  

What is it about roses that it screams "Glamourous!  Elegant!"?

Where Is the Line?

Ahem, so I don't know if you've noticed, but since the beginning of  this year there hasn't been much depth to my blogging, but I have...

Why?

Well, let me take you back a few years ago when I was a wee lassie only slightly more immature than I am now, sitting across a cafe table talking with my mentor when she shared with me her struggles.  It was an "Aha!" moment for me as I discovered that other people. didn't.  have. it. together.  either.  Really.  People are just as messed up as me if not more so.

Her vulnerability encouraged me that I wasn't alone, and that I wasn't the only messy one that God, you know had to love, and so I decided to bring my vulnerability to this blog to cheer someone, anyone out there that you're not the only messy one that God loves, and He so dearly does love you as He does me.

But upon reflection over Christmas break I wondered was it too much?
How much is too much?
What is discretion?
Where is the line?
Is there a line?

And so in trying to figure this out, I held back.
That and the fact that this year thus far has been drama free.
Whew.
Even if that is a bit boring for you.  ;)

Well what do you think?
DoI just expose myself in the name of vulnerability?
Where is your line when you blog?

First World Problems; Dishes in the Bath Tub

How content would you say you are in life?

Personally I have to fight for contentment in my life.  So in another effort to keep things in perspective and remind myself how hugely blessed I am,  I present to you, dear readers the "First World Problems" series, problems only spoiled people living in the First World like me gripe about.

(Although the International Development grad inside me would like to inform you that the term "first world" is so passe, and hierarchal, and therefore completely inappropriate.")

On another side note:  I have way too many labels, few of which I use.  I would like to organize them...someday.

Last week our kitchen sink was clogged like an obese Americans' arteries.  Even 3 bottles of liquid plumber and a plunger couldn't do a thing.  The dishes piled up day after day that finally the only solution was to cart them over to the bathtub and do them there.

It took about an hour or so of awkwardly leaning over the tub to scrub stubborn food stuff that had crusted on to pots, all the while griping inside about my poor back that had to suffer such, such, SUCH unnecessary discomfort and why did the dang sink have to go and clog up, giving no thought to the fact that a)  I have running water and b)  I had eaten regularly in that week and therefore had to wash those dishes that I ate off of.  Whew now there was a run on sentence.  Beat that Apostle Paul, and or Dooce.

  

Five Good Things

1.  Free DVDs courtesy of my roommate.
2.  Chocolate trifle gelato.  Yummy.
3.  Coke.  The classic kind.  Unfortunately this non-pop drinker has started to purchase pop.  My teeth are rotting as we speak.
Er...as I type, and as you read.
4.  Windex.  In a household of multiple glass surfaces, Windex is a lifesaver.
5.  Family day.