the past wednesday during our discipleship time, kirsten made a simple yet profound statement: "you have nothing to prove."
oh.
it's been on repeat in my head since then. i have nothing to prove. i have nothing to prove. i have nothing to prove. no need to prove that i'm a "good" christian, a smart student, a caring dg leader, a thoughtful friend, a filial daughter, and etc... i can just be.
still a sinner saved by grace, already accepted by God. "[my] worst days are never so bad that [i] am beyond the reach of God's grace. And [my] best days are never so good that [i] am beyond the need of God's grace."~jerry bridges
i have nothing left to prove.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Thursday, March 16, 2006
the consumption of culture
[contains heavy economic illustrations. may not make sense. requirements: introductory microeconomics and introductory macroeconomics. jokes jokes!]
*newsflash* today i blurted out in the clubs' office "i don't like china." freudian slip? maybe. maybe not. it was so reminiscent of my 2004 outburst in the middle of BJ. although it wasn't as harsh as it was then. i think my exact words two years ago were "I HATE THIS PLACE", and even then it was more of a scream than an emphatic statement.
so it got me thinking about what exactly defines me as "chinese" because would a self-respecting, culturally "pure" chinese person ever admit that he/she doesn't like the motherland? it's almost heretical. some would critize the country or admit they don't like an aspect of it. some wouldn't. both would do so out of love for China, the former in hopes it can improve, but no one would say that they didn't like the country though.
me? i don't have that kind of hardcore love/patriotism. when push comes to shove, it's "GO CANADA" because my selfish interests are vested in the welfare of Canada. some would call that being "whitewashed". i sometimes even call myself that. but i propose a different paradigm in which i am only a consumer and the products that i consume are cultural goods. by cultural goods i mean: pop culture, cultural norms and etiquette, holidays, customs, language, etc...
i would argue that being brought up in two different cultures as opposed to the one culture that most children are reared in, has given me immediate access to both the chinese "cultural market" and the canadian "cultural market". whereas for children who are reared in one culture, they need to earn their access to another "cultural" market by learning and becoming accustomed to a new culture. hello culture shock. but for me the two cultures are "innate".
so since i have easy access to two markets i can substitute goods that i like in the canadian market for goods that i don't like in the chinese market and vice versa. for example my mom and i both don't like the chinese style of parenting. SWITCH. another example, i don't like milk so i swap it for soy milk. for holidays i celebrate all the major canadian holidays and some major chinese ones. english is the easier language so i consume that "cultural good". and so on and so forth.
bottomline? i tweak both cultures to my own benefit. i take what i like and reject what i don't. (i.e. horking. it's disgusting) i am neither culturally pure chinese or culturally pure canadian. i'm chinese canadian; a fusion inside. i think i've finally come to terms with that. i guess that's why i get riled when people are "racist" not because i consider myself chinese, but i consider myself the same as them, canadian, yet they try to set me apart on the basis of my skin, hair, and eye colour. that's also why i get riled in chines when people say "you look chinese...but you're from canada?" would it be easier if i looked fused on the outside as well?
i think maybe...one day i will write a book. but remember folks you heard it here first. ;) jokes. nothing's new under the sun.
*newsflash* today i blurted out in the clubs' office "i don't like china." freudian slip? maybe. maybe not. it was so reminiscent of my 2004 outburst in the middle of BJ. although it wasn't as harsh as it was then. i think my exact words two years ago were "I HATE THIS PLACE", and even then it was more of a scream than an emphatic statement.
so it got me thinking about what exactly defines me as "chinese" because would a self-respecting, culturally "pure" chinese person ever admit that he/she doesn't like the motherland? it's almost heretical. some would critize the country or admit they don't like an aspect of it. some wouldn't. both would do so out of love for China, the former in hopes it can improve, but no one would say that they didn't like the country though.
me? i don't have that kind of hardcore love/patriotism. when push comes to shove, it's "GO CANADA" because my selfish interests are vested in the welfare of Canada. some would call that being "whitewashed". i sometimes even call myself that. but i propose a different paradigm in which i am only a consumer and the products that i consume are cultural goods. by cultural goods i mean: pop culture, cultural norms and etiquette, holidays, customs, language, etc...
i would argue that being brought up in two different cultures as opposed to the one culture that most children are reared in, has given me immediate access to both the chinese "cultural market" and the canadian "cultural market". whereas for children who are reared in one culture, they need to earn their access to another "cultural" market by learning and becoming accustomed to a new culture. hello culture shock. but for me the two cultures are "innate".
so since i have easy access to two markets i can substitute goods that i like in the canadian market for goods that i don't like in the chinese market and vice versa. for example my mom and i both don't like the chinese style of parenting. SWITCH. another example, i don't like milk so i swap it for soy milk. for holidays i celebrate all the major canadian holidays and some major chinese ones. english is the easier language so i consume that "cultural good". and so on and so forth.
bottomline? i tweak both cultures to my own benefit. i take what i like and reject what i don't. (i.e. horking. it's disgusting) i am neither culturally pure chinese or culturally pure canadian. i'm chinese canadian; a fusion inside. i think i've finally come to terms with that. i guess that's why i get riled when people are "racist" not because i consider myself chinese, but i consider myself the same as them, canadian, yet they try to set me apart on the basis of my skin, hair, and eye colour. that's also why i get riled in chines when people say "you look chinese...but you're from canada?" would it be easier if i looked fused on the outside as well?
i think maybe...one day i will write a book. but remember folks you heard it here first. ;) jokes. nothing's new under the sun.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
desperate housewives
http://www.kcf.org/resources/sermons.html
check out the "desperate housewives" sermon.
such a GREAT sermon. SOLID teaching and such good impressions. hahaha oh man. listen to it!
edit----
good question J! it's about marriage- finding your mate. he addresses both men and women. it's amazing. like some of the stuff cru peeps already know. like with the whole find your purpose first thing. but he lays down the biblical basis for it, and it's such a good reminder that God KNOWS what we need. we don't need to tell the Lord, "behold, i LACK!". hahaha oh man. there's a lot of "OH!" moments when understanding dawns. it's FRESH. i'm going to listen to it again when i have time.
check out the "desperate housewives" sermon.
such a GREAT sermon. SOLID teaching and such good impressions. hahaha oh man. listen to it!
edit----
good question J! it's about marriage- finding your mate. he addresses both men and women. it's amazing. like some of the stuff cru peeps already know. like with the whole find your purpose first thing. but he lays down the biblical basis for it, and it's such a good reminder that God KNOWS what we need. we don't need to tell the Lord, "behold, i LACK!". hahaha oh man. there's a lot of "OH!" moments when understanding dawns. it's FRESH. i'm going to listen to it again when i have time.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
this and that
this is one of those "i need to keep myself sane" blogs. a few musings from today.
the true meaning of research
research in university really just means go find yourself a whole pile of extra readings. that's it. nothing more, nothing less. just find something, read it, and write about it. to think i've been so intimidated by this all these years. what a pity cuz it's 90% econ courses next year.
pet peeves
today suz and i were having a really nice chat together at paiges until the couple behind us decided to publicly display their affections. it wouldn't have been so bad since they were behind us were it not for the fact that they were kissing across a table and so when they disengaged it made a smacking/sucking sound like a plunger being.... unplunged(?) cringe. awwwwkward. so then throughout the entire day i started compiling a list of my pet peeves when i got bored.
1. any PDA beyond holding hands and casual side hugs.
2. when people spell my name "shelley".
3. when people don't give others the benefit of doubt.
4. nylon socks with sandals. my oex peeps knows what i'm talking about well at least the girls anyways.
5. when i run out of white out and have to cross mistakes out.
6. when things are lost in translation like the lyrics to "qing fei de yi".
i think those were the only ones i thought of. it's not good to think negatively anyways.
Spirit-filled life
we were talking about the Spirit-filled life in discipleship group today about how we could fake it only for so long. i think the past three weeks (not including the last four days) i was tricking myself into thinking that i was Spirit-filled. basically living in denial. but man alive, it feels sooo GOOD to live by the Spirit. these past 4 days weren't the easiest 4 days of my life nor were they uber hard, but i've definitely been having the BEST four days of my life in a loong time especially today even though there was a minor house conflict and another bump in the road. i feel like i could soar away. love it. God is good. mhmm-hmm.
Trials
i think last week i was getting nervous about all the possible trials God could and would put me through next year. hence the "i'm bracing for impact" comment. so silly worrying about trials that haven't happened. but that's just having a bad perspective on trials because we are suppose to rejoice when trials happen. read this in my devo today.
God allows trials in our lives not for his own enjoyment or to spite us, but to draw us away from our pride, selfishness, and other sings. He uses them to bring us closer to himself and to teach us as we endure difficulties. He proves he's the only Person to run to, the only One who can be depended on. He's the God who won't let us down.
Lamentations 3:19-24
Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."
the true meaning of research
research in university really just means go find yourself a whole pile of extra readings. that's it. nothing more, nothing less. just find something, read it, and write about it. to think i've been so intimidated by this all these years. what a pity cuz it's 90% econ courses next year.
pet peeves
today suz and i were having a really nice chat together at paiges until the couple behind us decided to publicly display their affections. it wouldn't have been so bad since they were behind us were it not for the fact that they were kissing across a table and so when they disengaged it made a smacking/sucking sound like a plunger being.... unplunged(?) cringe. awwwwkward. so then throughout the entire day i started compiling a list of my pet peeves when i got bored.
1. any PDA beyond holding hands and casual side hugs.
2. when people spell my name "shelley".
3. when people don't give others the benefit of doubt.
4. nylon socks with sandals. my oex peeps knows what i'm talking about well at least the girls anyways.
5. when i run out of white out and have to cross mistakes out.
6. when things are lost in translation like the lyrics to "qing fei de yi".
i think those were the only ones i thought of. it's not good to think negatively anyways.
Spirit-filled life
we were talking about the Spirit-filled life in discipleship group today about how we could fake it only for so long. i think the past three weeks (not including the last four days) i was tricking myself into thinking that i was Spirit-filled. basically living in denial. but man alive, it feels sooo GOOD to live by the Spirit. these past 4 days weren't the easiest 4 days of my life nor were they uber hard, but i've definitely been having the BEST four days of my life in a loong time especially today even though there was a minor house conflict and another bump in the road. i feel like i could soar away. love it. God is good. mhmm-hmm.
Trials
i think last week i was getting nervous about all the possible trials God could and would put me through next year. hence the "i'm bracing for impact" comment. so silly worrying about trials that haven't happened. but that's just having a bad perspective on trials because we are suppose to rejoice when trials happen. read this in my devo today.
God allows trials in our lives not for his own enjoyment or to spite us, but to draw us away from our pride, selfishness, and other sings. He uses them to bring us closer to himself and to teach us as we endure difficulties. He proves he's the only Person to run to, the only One who can be depended on. He's the God who won't let us down.
Lamentations 3:19-24
Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."
Monday, March 13, 2006
phil wang and meteor garden stole my heart
ok i feel like a teeny bopper again. lol
i love this song. for all my guelphites, wait no..for all non-azns, it's from a really popular taiwanese drama called "meteor garden" that was adapted from a japanese comic. the rough translation of the lyrics is shown in the beginning. the white guy is so funny. hahaha.
i love this song. for all my guelphites, wait no..for all non-azns, it's from a really popular taiwanese drama called "meteor garden" that was adapted from a japanese comic. the rough translation of the lyrics is shown in the beginning. the white guy is so funny. hahaha.
you know you're chinese WHEN...
your mom owns a soy bean milk maker. yup that's right my aunt gave my mom a soy bean milk maker. it's like a coffee grinder, but i think with soy beans. you just put in the soy beans, it grinds it, and turns it into soy milk. that was her trump card for getting me to go home this summer. not that i wasn't going home in the first place, but oh man this makes me laugh. she was like "now you get fresh soy milk and don't have to drink the stuff from wal-mart". the stuff they sold in wal-mart was the white version of soy milk. i didn't like it. i like my chinese soy milk, but i couldn't have it a lot when i went home because we were quite a while away from flushing. i'm a creature of habit, but i think i can get it here in guelph....i just remembered.
anyways so the tongue in chic [pun intended] comments about vanity got me thinking about 1 peter 3:3-5 again.
Do not let your adorning be external- the braidng of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.
i think the first time i read this a while back, i was like "crap". i want the "imperishable beauty" that's precious in God's sight, but "gentle and quiet spirit"? so not me. i think everyone would describe me as "loud". but then i think a friend was like there's a difference in personality and the inner spirit. i don't know. how does one go about cultivating a gentle and quiet spirit? what does it look like? anyways food for thought.
on another note. i'm now majoring only in ID with a minor in ECON. sad. it would have been feasible if i had started the double major right off the bat in first year. oh wells. another good quote from my econ prof's office.
"talk is cheap because supply is high and demand is low". ~unknown.
another reminder to talk less and listen more. i tend to be long winded. i hope i don't end up being one of those boring, nagging, grannies. eewwww.
anyways so the tongue in chic [pun intended] comments about vanity got me thinking about 1 peter 3:3-5 again.
Do not let your adorning be external- the braidng of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.
i think the first time i read this a while back, i was like "crap". i want the "imperishable beauty" that's precious in God's sight, but "gentle and quiet spirit"? so not me. i think everyone would describe me as "loud". but then i think a friend was like there's a difference in personality and the inner spirit. i don't know. how does one go about cultivating a gentle and quiet spirit? what does it look like? anyways food for thought.
on another note. i'm now majoring only in ID with a minor in ECON. sad. it would have been feasible if i had started the double major right off the bat in first year. oh wells. another good quote from my econ prof's office.
"talk is cheap because supply is high and demand is low". ~unknown.
another reminder to talk less and listen more. i tend to be long winded. i hope i don't end up being one of those boring, nagging, grannies. eewwww.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
college royal pictures
ok lydders, i concede. here are some pictures.
ashley and ryan. aka rashley aka ashyan aka kreundler. the happy couple. seeing them brings the hugest smile to my face and makes my heart giddy with joy. something's right in this world after all. ;) so cute!!! hehehe. i feel like an azn auntie.
here's the best full body shot that i have. becky and i under a palm tree. and yes that is a tiara. :D
cheers to an awesome house next year. our annual mocktail tradition. the make-up's all melted by this time. haha. i kinda felt it oozing off my face. :P haha it rawks to be a girl.
ashley and ryan. aka rashley aka ashyan aka kreundler. the happy couple. seeing them brings the hugest smile to my face and makes my heart giddy with joy. something's right in this world after all. ;) so cute!!! hehehe. i feel like an azn auntie.
here's the best full body shot that i have. becky and i under a palm tree. and yes that is a tiara. :D
cheers to an awesome house next year. our annual mocktail tradition. the make-up's all melted by this time. haha. i kinda felt it oozing off my face. :P haha it rawks to be a girl.
bust a move in the dance circle! trev-dawg, lauren, becky, jill, and katie with margie's head in the foreground.
ok i couldn't resist. another picture of the happy couple. truth be told i took more pictures of these two than anyone else. *cheshire cat grin*
dancing into the night
last night was the annual college royal ball here at moo U. i had a BLAST! oh it was so good. i love getting dressed up and dancing the night away. or at least pretending to know how to "dance". hahaha. ohmigosh it was all good when the music was hip hop cuz i can actually boogey to that, but when we went to the country, the swing, and the jazz room it was like i had two left feet. it's an irksome feeling when you want to dance properly, but you don't know the moves. so i just spent half the time gawking at the really good dancers trying to pick up something and then half the time i goofed off and i pretended to know how to dance to country and swing. i couldn't bother with jazz. it was way out of my league. hahaha. oh man it was SO jokes. it was so much fun!
in the country room, heather and i got tyler one of the aggie guys to teach us how to two step. he was sooo good. all these twirls, turns, and DIPS! i'm all for the dips. then we tried to teach the other guys to two step. i'd say for me it was pretty much the blind leading the blind. :D hahaha i joked to heather that we should start a dance movement by winning guys over to dancing, building them up in their skill, and sending them out to teach other people. not that we were qualified to teach them "skills". :P i've GOT to learn how to dance. it'd be that much funner. i got to get myself to one of those salsa nights.
my feet were so sore at the end of the night. it reminded me of the fairy tale "the twelve princesses" where there were twelve princesses who wore out their shoes every night dancing. for the record it's not a smart idea to walk barefoot in march not so much because of the rocks but because the ground is SO cold. i suffered more from the cold than the stones. so don't go barefoot in march girls. i'm glad that girls don't wear stilettos to university at guelph. i think i would die. i would look pretty, but i would die.
my only regret from the night was that i didn't take enough pictures. i only have 31 and they're pretty crappy ones at that. my camera's pretty craptacular in dim lighting. i looked so pretty, but the pictures didn't turn out properly. haha yes the vanity comes out. i admit it. no pretty picture to send my mom. but other than that no regrests. no feelings of insecurity, no feelings of envy, and or emotionally crashing afterwards. yay God for personal development! i use to be soo self-conscious about dancing that i wouldn't enjoy myself at all. now's it's just like whatevs c'mon let's go for it. hahaha. i know i'm not the best dancer, but honestly that's not the point of these things. plus there's no point in comparing b/c someone will always be better. might as well have fun. i only live once. last night i kept remembering how i use to be such a wallflower, so insecure, and so envious of all the girls with dates. no pangs of envy and discontentment last night. i admit i still get riled at slow songs, but that's just b/c slow songs just clear the dance floor and they play bad ones too. could it be possible that i'm learning to be content with whatever situation i'm in? what a change. i also thought i was going to crash emotionally coming back to reality because honestly who doesn't want to be a princess dancing 24/7 instead of a uni student with deadlines breathing down her neck? but that didn't happen either. so good. God took good care of me and still is taking care of me.
welps it's back to dancing in front of the mirror until college royal! :D what the hey am i going to do after graduation? hardcore dance classes!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
today i was actually able to get up for church without feeling like death. i shared at church today about my trip to panama in chinese. i think that's the first time i ever shared in chinese. whoa. i didn't think about that before. i'm glad i didn't i might have freaked. it went really well. i prayed that God would loosen my tongue and give me the words to say and He did. it was funny the way i prepped for it though. i wrote the entire thing out in pin yin. misspelled pin yin. haha. oh geez. i went early and got francis to help me with some of the bigger words. it's weird calling him just francis, b/c he's the age of my grandparents. i feel like i should be calling him "ye ye". i cringe inside everytime i call him by his first name. it just feels so disrespectful. but anyh00t i love the community at calvary baptist church. it's like one big family. my pastor is really like the dad of the church. i think i like him so much because he's like the chinese dad i never had. he made fun of me in front of the entire congregation after i shared. lol. so jokes. oh man, but you just gotta love the man. i also met someone from my chinese hometown. man alive, it felt so good to bust out the regional dialect. sooo goood.
in the country room, heather and i got tyler one of the aggie guys to teach us how to two step. he was sooo good. all these twirls, turns, and DIPS! i'm all for the dips. then we tried to teach the other guys to two step. i'd say for me it was pretty much the blind leading the blind. :D hahaha i joked to heather that we should start a dance movement by winning guys over to dancing, building them up in their skill, and sending them out to teach other people. not that we were qualified to teach them "skills". :P i've GOT to learn how to dance. it'd be that much funner. i got to get myself to one of those salsa nights.
my feet were so sore at the end of the night. it reminded me of the fairy tale "the twelve princesses" where there were twelve princesses who wore out their shoes every night dancing. for the record it's not a smart idea to walk barefoot in march not so much because of the rocks but because the ground is SO cold. i suffered more from the cold than the stones. so don't go barefoot in march girls. i'm glad that girls don't wear stilettos to university at guelph. i think i would die. i would look pretty, but i would die.
my only regret from the night was that i didn't take enough pictures. i only have 31 and they're pretty crappy ones at that. my camera's pretty craptacular in dim lighting. i looked so pretty, but the pictures didn't turn out properly. haha yes the vanity comes out. i admit it. no pretty picture to send my mom. but other than that no regrests. no feelings of insecurity, no feelings of envy, and or emotionally crashing afterwards. yay God for personal development! i use to be soo self-conscious about dancing that i wouldn't enjoy myself at all. now's it's just like whatevs c'mon let's go for it. hahaha. i know i'm not the best dancer, but honestly that's not the point of these things. plus there's no point in comparing b/c someone will always be better. might as well have fun. i only live once. last night i kept remembering how i use to be such a wallflower, so insecure, and so envious of all the girls with dates. no pangs of envy and discontentment last night. i admit i still get riled at slow songs, but that's just b/c slow songs just clear the dance floor and they play bad ones too. could it be possible that i'm learning to be content with whatever situation i'm in? what a change. i also thought i was going to crash emotionally coming back to reality because honestly who doesn't want to be a princess dancing 24/7 instead of a uni student with deadlines breathing down her neck? but that didn't happen either. so good. God took good care of me and still is taking care of me.
welps it's back to dancing in front of the mirror until college royal! :D what the hey am i going to do after graduation? hardcore dance classes!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
today i was actually able to get up for church without feeling like death. i shared at church today about my trip to panama in chinese. i think that's the first time i ever shared in chinese. whoa. i didn't think about that before. i'm glad i didn't i might have freaked. it went really well. i prayed that God would loosen my tongue and give me the words to say and He did. it was funny the way i prepped for it though. i wrote the entire thing out in pin yin. misspelled pin yin. haha. oh geez. i went early and got francis to help me with some of the bigger words. it's weird calling him just francis, b/c he's the age of my grandparents. i feel like i should be calling him "ye ye". i cringe inside everytime i call him by his first name. it just feels so disrespectful. but anyh00t i love the community at calvary baptist church. it's like one big family. my pastor is really like the dad of the church. i think i like him so much because he's like the chinese dad i never had. he made fun of me in front of the entire congregation after i shared. lol. so jokes. oh man, but you just gotta love the man. i also met someone from my chinese hometown. man alive, it felt so good to bust out the regional dialect. sooo goood.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
extolling the virtues of the farmer's market
this morning i went to the farmer's market with amanda on the way to checking out some stuff for the yearend formal.
i. love. it.
the food's so cheap and so fresh! i think amanda and i are going to go every saturday morning now. strawberries were $1.50 a pint, but i didn't get any cuz i loaded up on oranges. oyster mushrooms were only $1.50 too, but i saw that after buying two pints of portabello. i lurve my mushrooms. it was awesome. it was really quaint and artsy too. i felt like i was in a movie, a chick flick to be exact. so grown up and chic buying fresh veggies at a farmer's market. hehehehe.
there was also a chinese lady there selling these delicious dumplings, but they were too expensive. the sauce they had for the dumplings was SO good. it was heavenly. i got a taste of it on a toothpick. her husband offered it to me, but get this: her husband's white AND he speaks fluent mandarin! probably more fluent than me! then when i complimented him on his fluency he said "na ni". [rough translation: not really with the connotation that there's room for improvement and the insinuation that i'm being too kind by paying the compliment.] i was pretty much impressed. he knew the nuances of the language. complete fluency in mandarin AND mastery of "chinese modesty". whoa. he's got the culture down pat too. that takes a lot of effort and work. now he was an egg if i ever met one. some CBC's don't even have "chinese modesty". floored. totally floored. his wife told me that he was something of a spectacle when they were back in taiwan. i don't doubt it.
on another note. did you know that the word "lurve" is actually used by j.k. rowling in the sixth harry potter book? i thought it was just a rogue word spawned by the internet. i got excited when i read that last night.
i. love. it.
the food's so cheap and so fresh! i think amanda and i are going to go every saturday morning now. strawberries were $1.50 a pint, but i didn't get any cuz i loaded up on oranges. oyster mushrooms were only $1.50 too, but i saw that after buying two pints of portabello. i lurve my mushrooms. it was awesome. it was really quaint and artsy too. i felt like i was in a movie, a chick flick to be exact. so grown up and chic buying fresh veggies at a farmer's market. hehehehe.
there was also a chinese lady there selling these delicious dumplings, but they were too expensive. the sauce they had for the dumplings was SO good. it was heavenly. i got a taste of it on a toothpick. her husband offered it to me, but get this: her husband's white AND he speaks fluent mandarin! probably more fluent than me! then when i complimented him on his fluency he said "na ni". [rough translation: not really with the connotation that there's room for improvement and the insinuation that i'm being too kind by paying the compliment.] i was pretty much impressed. he knew the nuances of the language. complete fluency in mandarin AND mastery of "chinese modesty". whoa. he's got the culture down pat too. that takes a lot of effort and work. now he was an egg if i ever met one. some CBC's don't even have "chinese modesty". floored. totally floored. his wife told me that he was something of a spectacle when they were back in taiwan. i don't doubt it.
on another note. did you know that the word "lurve" is actually used by j.k. rowling in the sixth harry potter book? i thought it was just a rogue word spawned by the internet. i got excited when i read that last night.
isn't it ironic?
two days ago, i was falling asleep everywhere and anywhere. tonight i can't fall asleep at all. i came home straight from weekly meeting just so i could get to sleep early, but here i am @ 12:52am still up and blogging. maybe subconsciously i don't want to sleep because when i wake up from my sleep, i'll find myself in another day that i'm not ready for. time is just carrying me along, rushing me through life. i want it to stop so i can get things done and enjoy life itself. so much for a balanced lifestyle, eh? that's not happening anytime soon. i'm so backlogged in school work that i'm living at the library again. it was the one thing i was trying to avoid this semester.
i want may to come and i don't want may to come. i want it to come so i can be in the mountains, but that means another year gone and a dramatically different new school year on the way with a new season of life at the end. i feel like i'm bracing myself for the impact. i guess this anxiety over the lack of control of my future manifests itself through my task-orientation. at least that's what psychologists would say right? i have been complusively cleaning my room........
i think i just need a vacation.
i want may to come and i don't want may to come. i want it to come so i can be in the mountains, but that means another year gone and a dramatically different new school year on the way with a new season of life at the end. i feel like i'm bracing myself for the impact. i guess this anxiety over the lack of control of my future manifests itself through my task-orientation. at least that's what psychologists would say right? i have been complusively cleaning my room........
i think i just need a vacation.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
the psychology of blogs
another day where i can see the sky go from pitch black to dark blue to light blue tinted with red, orange and pink. one last midterm for this semester.
since i've returned from panama i've consistently blogged every single day, twice on some days even. shnikeys. it just goes to prove my theory from last year that the busier/more stressed i get the more i blog. there is a correlation and no i'm not busting out that correlation formula to figure it out.
psychologically what could be the reason(s)?
1. helps relieve the stress through catharsis aka venting.
2. helps organize thoughts so i don't go bonkers.
3. since i'm living in the library again with minimal social contact, blogging replaces talking to friends in person. at least i'm talking to someone. actually in my head when i blog i talk to myself as if i was out of body and then everyone that reads this is just eavesdropping on my conversation with myself. anyways.
4. it lets the non-guelphites or actually even some guelphites know that i'm still very much alive. the heart's beating, the lung's working, the brain's turning.
now it's time to go get ready to go to school.
since i've returned from panama i've consistently blogged every single day, twice on some days even. shnikeys. it just goes to prove my theory from last year that the busier/more stressed i get the more i blog. there is a correlation and no i'm not busting out that correlation formula to figure it out.
psychologically what could be the reason(s)?
1. helps relieve the stress through catharsis aka venting.
2. helps organize thoughts so i don't go bonkers.
3. since i'm living in the library again with minimal social contact, blogging replaces talking to friends in person. at least i'm talking to someone. actually in my head when i blog i talk to myself as if i was out of body and then everyone that reads this is just eavesdropping on my conversation with myself. anyways.
4. it lets the non-guelphites or actually even some guelphites know that i'm still very much alive. the heart's beating, the lung's working, the brain's turning.
now it's time to go get ready to go to school.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
happy fake birthday to me
i have the best DG girls ever hands down. who gets a card on their fake birthday?! :D ahahaha so good. but then again who actually has a fake birthday? :P so tempted to stay for a victory lap so i can keep being their DG leader. i think....two years is TOO short! i love guelph!!! so ecstatic to be here. i'm really grateful and glad that God put me here even though i was madly gunning for schulich. i don't even want to really think about leaving. the reality of actually leaving after next year is starting to sink in, and it's scary. why can't i just stay here as staff? :( silly question that we all know the answer to...haaaaaa....i feel like i'm being kicked out of "the nest".
it's too early to start moping. as a good friend would say "suck it up cupcake". :D can't be too comfy. gotta step out and step up to challenges. anyh00t one more year of university and then it's out into the real world. *gulp* might as well enjoy it while it lasts. tomorrow's got worries of its own.
have a nice guilt trip
university students are among the top 1% of the world population. the elite of the elite. i'm an elite. you're most likely an elite too if you're reading this. that's one stat that i've heard i think twice in the last week and a half. i've also heard it a lot being an ID student. sounds good, eh? it doesn't make me feel good. it makes me want to hang my head in shame. wait no, i'm already doing that.
what a privilege. what an honour. what am i doing with it? i don't feel like i'm doing much. today is one of the days i feel like i'm squandering my education. i don't feel like i've been doing my studies justice. it's not just the marks, but the knowledge that i learn. i haven't read my IPE textbook at all except for one page.
oh the hypocrisy and melodrama that is my life.
what a privilege. what an honour. what am i doing with it? i don't feel like i'm doing much. today is one of the days i feel like i'm squandering my education. i don't feel like i've been doing my studies justice. it's not just the marks, but the knowledge that i learn. i haven't read my IPE textbook at all except for one page.
oh the hypocrisy and melodrama that is my life.
Monday, March 06, 2006
reconciliation
i didn't realize that i was so highstrung from last week. i thought i was pretty cool. guess not. today when i was chilling @ 699 scottsdale, we listened to some old school celine dion, and i just melted. stress just ooozed out. ah... sooo good. it was reminiscent of younger, simpler, and naiever (is that even a word?) days. actually i don't think things were better way back when, but nostalgia always makes things seem nicer.
so my dad (biological) called from cali today. long story short i think we're reconciled. i kind of feel more whole now. ok i need to go let this sink in.
so my dad (biological) called from cali today. long story short i think we're reconciled. i kind of feel more whole now. ok i need to go let this sink in.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
lessons from exhaustion
this has been a really exhausting week. my body still feels heavy and drained, but it's been eye-opening and humbling for me. i now see the limits of my humanity...for the nth time. i am not superwoman no matter how much i try to be. [i should try to remember this fact.]
1. i need 9-10 hours of sleep.
no less than that. i survived this week on 6 hours a night, and i'm paying dearly for it right now. i have got to stop comparing myself to my crazy engineer friends at UT who can pull this one off. actually i don't know if they can pull it off. maybe it's just in my head. i always feel guilty for sleeping too much. funny how it took the comments on www.43things.com [courtesy of katie] to convince me that i shouldn't feel guilty for sleeping. most people said it wasn't worth it to attempt to survive on 4-6 hours. i concur.
2. being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be.
it felt so good to let down my guard and bravado today when talking to my pastor's wife about how stressed i was getting about sunday school. it was a relief to have someone else shoulder the burden with me, to let someone else care for me. i don't think i like being "tough" all the time anymore.
3. i don't have it all together and that's.....ok?
still trying to wrap my head around this one.
4. words. i should watch those words.
i have a theory that i shouldn't be allowed to talk after 11 or when i'm dead tired like i was this week. my thoughts don't make sense in my head and they come out all warped when i speak. people misconstrue the meaning of my words because i'm so incoherent, but then i'm too tired to correct myself. which essentially is lying, isn't it? i mean it takes a lot for me to sort my thoughts when i AM coherent to myself as it is....
5. i still don't have solid boundaries yet.
i need to learn to say no to doing things. getting better at it, but definitely room for improvement.
6. sleeping makes me feel better physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
bottomline. i need my sleep.
1. i need 9-10 hours of sleep.
no less than that. i survived this week on 6 hours a night, and i'm paying dearly for it right now. i have got to stop comparing myself to my crazy engineer friends at UT who can pull this one off. actually i don't know if they can pull it off. maybe it's just in my head. i always feel guilty for sleeping too much. funny how it took the comments on www.43things.com [courtesy of katie] to convince me that i shouldn't feel guilty for sleeping. most people said it wasn't worth it to attempt to survive on 4-6 hours. i concur.
2. being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be.
it felt so good to let down my guard and bravado today when talking to my pastor's wife about how stressed i was getting about sunday school. it was a relief to have someone else shoulder the burden with me, to let someone else care for me. i don't think i like being "tough" all the time anymore.
3. i don't have it all together and that's.....ok?
still trying to wrap my head around this one.
4. words. i should watch those words.
i have a theory that i shouldn't be allowed to talk after 11 or when i'm dead tired like i was this week. my thoughts don't make sense in my head and they come out all warped when i speak. people misconstrue the meaning of my words because i'm so incoherent, but then i'm too tired to correct myself. which essentially is lying, isn't it? i mean it takes a lot for me to sort my thoughts when i AM coherent to myself as it is....
5. i still don't have solid boundaries yet.
i need to learn to say no to doing things. getting better at it, but definitely room for improvement.
6. sleeping makes me feel better physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
bottomline. i need my sleep.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
a lil lesson in spanish
the great thing about spanish is that it sounds the way it looks. no silent e's and s's like in french, but the h's are silent and the j's sound like h's. double l's are pronounced like ya or ja depending on location. so here's the lyrics to "open the eyes of my heart, Lord". go crazy.
Abre mis ojos oh Christo
Abre mis ojos te pido
Yo quiero verte
Yo quiero verte
Y verte
Alto y exaltado
Brillando en la luz de tu gloria
Derrama tu poder y amor
Mientras cantamos Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Yo quiero verte
Abre mis ojos oh Christo
Abre mis ojos te pido
Yo quiero verte
Yo quiero verte
Y verte
Alto y exaltado
Brillando en la luz de tu gloria
Derrama tu poder y amor
Mientras cantamos Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Santo Santo Santo
Yo quiero verte
vicarious living
i may not be going on oex this summer...*tear*... hehehehe...but one of my girls potentially might! here i was recruiting hardcore for national project, (wow, i never thought that i would do that. it would have been heresy two years ago.) and she wants to go on OEX. daaaaah! then two of my other girls are applying to join me on nat'l project in calgary this summer!!! excuse me while i go scream wildly with flailing arms around my room in a figurative sense since it is 3:30ish in the morning. i'm going to have to do that literally today sometime. preferably in a large open field.
so it's like i did "clone" myself or rather God cloned me because i can't touch hearts like Him. spiritual multiplication people. spiritual multiplication. so back to the whole "i can't be in 200+ countries at once deal", i'll just stake a claim on one, and God-willing send people to the rest short term and long term! DIBS! "aight i'm going to [insert name of country here]then you go to [insert name of a different country here] and then you go to [insert name of another different country here] and so on and so forth. vicarious living at its best! imagine the post cards. hahaha oh baby can you imagine if you had a discipleship group and each person went on a different project? that would make for one funkadelic discipleship group meeting, the first week back.
God is so amazingly faithful. i still remember sitting in kirsten's discipleship group last semester and whining all the time about how my girls aren't interested in projects. then i find out this semester that they are interested! especially the one about OEX. i was like "how is it that you're in MY discipleship group, interested in OEX, but i don't know about it?" arrogant, i know. craziness. i actually did give up praying for them to go on project last semester. i was like "oh, maybe next year." dah, dah, and dah! pri, it would be SO cool, if she went, and you ended up discipling her. show her the brown ways. :D ahhhhh! God is so good. all praise and glory go to Him! HIM!!!
sidenote: i broke the no coffee/coke after 5pm rule. i had expresso AND coke. cherry coke with extra syrup. yeah. hrm...i thought i would sleep through it. apparently not. lost an euchre game too. brutal. got euchred 3x and they had 2 alone hands. brutes.
so it's like i did "clone" myself or rather God cloned me because i can't touch hearts like Him. spiritual multiplication people. spiritual multiplication. so back to the whole "i can't be in 200+ countries at once deal", i'll just stake a claim on one, and God-willing send people to the rest short term and long term! DIBS! "aight i'm going to [insert name of country here]
God is so amazingly faithful. i still remember sitting in kirsten's discipleship group last semester and whining all the time about how my girls aren't interested in projects. then i find out this semester that they are interested! especially the one about OEX. i was like "how is it that you're in MY discipleship group, interested in OEX, but i don't know about it?" arrogant, i know. craziness. i actually did give up praying for them to go on project last semester. i was like "oh, maybe next year." dah, dah, and dah! pri, it would be SO cool, if she went, and you ended up discipling her. show her the brown ways. :D ahhhhh! God is so good. all praise and glory go to Him! HIM!!!
sidenote: i broke the no coffee/coke after 5pm rule. i had expresso AND coke. cherry coke with extra syrup. yeah. hrm...i thought i would sleep through it. apparently not. lost an euchre game too. brutal. got euchred 3x and they had 2 alone hands. brutes.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
a "sustainable hobby"
well in ID, the definition of the term "sustainable" is highly volatile, but here i take it to mean something that i can keep up. so since realizing that i officially have no life, i've been on a brain journey to figure out what kind of hobbies i could have that are no or low-cost, enjoyable, and maintainable. most of the ideas that i have are to dig my old hobbies out of the woodworks. they worked for me before why not now?
right now i can:
1. bust out that drawing how-to book. maybe i can finally master conte?
2. go to the gym regularly, just in case i can paddle this summer.
3. start practicing piano again even if i can only play those two songs.
4. read more except good fiction is hard to find these days. books are either too smutty or too new age-ish. any good fiction recommendations?
when i have an income i can:
1. take dance lessons.
2. learn how to cook like a pro.
3. watch musicals, ballets, plays, and go to the symphony
4. take piano lessons
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this crazy week is finally drawing to an end. i'm so thankful that God has been so gracious to me with school work. i just kept getting the "right" journals for the report. the math midterm was mostly review from last semester, and the geography midterm wasn't hard at all. thank You, Lord. i would have been completely spent otherwise. i'm still pretty exhausted.
right now i can:
1. bust out that drawing how-to book. maybe i can finally master conte?
2. go to the gym regularly, just in case i can paddle this summer.
3. start practicing piano again even if i can only play those two songs.
4. read more except good fiction is hard to find these days. books are either too smutty or too new age-ish. any good fiction recommendations?
when i have an income i can:
1. take dance lessons.
2. learn how to cook like a pro.
3. watch musicals, ballets, plays, and go to the symphony
4. take piano lessons
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this crazy week is finally drawing to an end. i'm so thankful that God has been so gracious to me with school work. i just kept getting the "right" journals for the report. the math midterm was mostly review from last semester, and the geography midterm wasn't hard at all. thank You, Lord. i would have been completely spent otherwise. i'm still pretty exhausted.
the inevitable question {day 4}
"are you going back to panama?"
i would say that my initial answer would be: "no". my heart has always been for the 10/40 window and for those who are purposely kept from hearing the gospel.
that said, it's a beautiful country with a wonderful culture so i definitely wouldn't mind going back at all. it's really up to God. the problem with the world being my oyster is that there's so many choices!!! i know i'm an easy recruit when it comes to projects, but when it comes to long term i'm a bit more hesitant. i guess i am "everywhere" in that respect as pri once said to me. but only God knows, so i'm just going to leave it to Him.
i would say that my initial answer would be: "no". my heart has always been for the 10/40 window and for those who are purposely kept from hearing the gospel.
that said, it's a beautiful country with a wonderful culture so i definitely wouldn't mind going back at all. it's really up to God. the problem with the world being my oyster is that there's so many choices!!! i know i'm an easy recruit when it comes to projects, but when it comes to long term i'm a bit more hesitant. i guess i am "everywhere" in that respect as pri once said to me. but only God knows, so i'm just going to leave it to Him.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
my wildest dreams {day 3.5}
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