Certainty in Uncertain Times

I hate uncertainty because of
that fear of making a mistake,
that fear of taking a risk and failing,
that fear of the unknown.

But,
He (Jesus) says: "I got your back.  It's ok to fail.  I'll love you anyways."

Meanwhile another option or two just popped up, but the possibilities are starting to excite me, and not scare me.

That Black Vortex of the Unknown

Uncertainty is a (Insert your own noun here.  Mine's not very nice.).

Upon an introspection of my soul, at the request of two darling friends, who thought I was off my rockers when I dropped my bombs about a possible STINT locale for next year, I emerged dazed, confused, and uncertain about my calling in life in general.  It's not even about deciding about location anymore, now it's about reconsidering vocation.

Not to say that STINT in any country is out of the running.  It's an option.  But it's one out of many.


A few weeks ago, one of the women on my project team asked me how I dealt with uncertainty, and I replied blithely that I was fairly ok with it, and sometimes even found it exhilarating.
Well, yeah that's because I've never tasted real uncertainty.

When I was in university, God cured me of my tendency to have 40 year plans, and then He cured me of the 10 year plans, and then He whittled my planning to about 3-5 years ahead.   Not to say that it's bad to plan, but I'm the type to trust in my own planning more so than God's.  You know, one of those control-freaks.  Although I prefer the terms organized and farsighted.

But now I've got no plans.  Zip, zero, nada, nothing.

Many options.  A plethora of options, but no plans.

The uncertainty, that black vortex of the unknown is unsettling, uncomfortable, and utterly undesired by me.

After burnout it is the worst feeling ever.  Yes, even worse than heartbreak because that affects one area of life, but this, THIS affects my entire life.
Yes, I have a tendency to use hyperboles, but I mean it this time!

My first thoughts were:

"I hate it Lord, when You screw with my plans...and I know You're just doing this to bring me closer to You."


Slightly bitter?  A tad.

He said:

"Embrace it."

Addiction

On project, I wondered at the hours I spent in front of my laptop strolling through the websites of the world wide web, and was appalled at the time I wasted.  So I promised myself I wouldn't be such an addict when I returned home.

And now that I'm home.  I wonder, how could I have lived, no, survived, without all my social media networks.

Really?  You expect me to interact with people in person?  One on one?  
Noooo....
The idea!  How absurd!

Actually it's quite amazing that any of us still retain some semblance of social skills.
I really shouldn't be all that surprised by all the awkwardness that happens everyday.

Yes, this is my (recycled) scathing indictment on my generation.  My socially awkward generation.

Change

I like change that is premeditated and planned. 
That you can see from a mile away.
I enjoy those kinds of change.

I don't like the type of change that sneaks up on you, and bites you in the rear end.
Those aren't fun.

And so it wasn't fun to realize that the ducks I thought I had all in a row...weren't really in a row.

Cryptic?  Yes.
Because there's so much more to this than I can blog about.
Whatever you're thinking this is about.  It's probably not. 

Moral of the story?
I like being in charge or being under the illusion that I am in charge.
But the reality is I'm not.

You'd think I'd get use to this by now, but nopes.

Too Early

Apparently I can't apply this early for STINT next year.  Bummer.

On the bright side perhaps a team can be raised up for Gateway within a year, and I can be on that team.

Who knows?

You heard it here first.

Weaning

I'm now into my last week on my selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors.  Read: Anti-depressants.  I just love putting it out there.  "It" being the fact that I am on anti-depressants, and am now coming off of them.  Because:

1) Anti-depressants, they've still got that social stigma about them, and everybody kinda still keeps it hush hush.  Nobody really talks about it.  So I like to talk about it, in hopes to help remove the social stigma.

2) I'm a shock value kinda girl.  I get such a kick, shocking people within limits of course.  Oh the things I could do...
Note to self:  Boys with conservative parents will probably not like me as a daughter-in-law.
Self: Duly noted.

Ok, away from the tangent.  I love my meds, and I would hug them if they were a person, but they're not, so I can't.  But now we part ways because I don't need them anymore, and I really don't want to go through the trouble of finding new anti-depressants after they've been stolen in a foreign country, and then going through a week of withdrawal symptoms  if I don't really have to.  Some chick in Asia is having fun with my Cipralex right now...

I was definitely paranoid at first, jumping at every mood flux.  At one point I was a bit worried about a prolonged mood dip... until I reminded myself that I've been in suburbia for about a week. 

So we're good.  And by we, I mean, me.

Five Good Things

1.  Big Bang Theory
2.  Salman Rushdie
3.  Tans
4.  Kayaking
5.  Travelling

And Now We Wait...

The STINT application for next year is in.

And now we wait...

oh and "SUPPLIES"

Post Project Thoughts

I am...

happy to be back, but even more excited to go back.
more mellow.  Go figure.
and less maintenance too.  Whoa.
relieved that I don't have to worry about finding a clean bathroom.
incredibly refreshed and rejuvenated. 

Yay Jesus.

In a week I'll be back for reals.

I wonder what my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual state will be like?

How will I have grown?

What will I have learned?

How many ice cream bars will I have eaten?

An infamous day, today is.

Can you guess why?

Five Good Things

1.  Mushrooms on a stick.
2.  Immodium
3.  Inside jokes
4.  Teams
5.  Hand Sanitizer

After the Hype

I type this post 13 days after the 7.1 magnitude earthquake and the 40 plus aftershocks that have devastated Haiti.

This however is being published four months later, after the major media hype.

I applaud the outpouring of compassion, sympathy, and funds, but I wonder how long before we forget?

It is guesstimated that it will take 30-40 years to rebuild Haiti. Sure, the funds poured in for emergency relief, for food, water, medical supplies, but what about next year? And the year after? 30 years down the road? After the next catastrophe?

Will the world still remember Haiti?

Will the world still give so that Haitians won't be building cheap flimsy buildings that will collapse at the slightest tremble?

I wonder.

Like a moth to a flame, like a moth to a flame.

That's the mental imagery that I have of myself these past few months.
Only, unlike the moth I know it's going to hurt me if I venture close.

Sometimes I wish my brain could just run my life on autopilot.

Cryptic much?  Yeah, I try.

Streamline

I need to streamline my life, proactively reducing stressors where I can, and plan for stressors that I can't instead of reacting to them.

So here's the plan:

1.  Identify top 5 stressors in life.
2.  Evaluate, is this something I can reduce or is this something I can plan for?
3.  Come up with game plan for each stressor.
4.  Put game plan into action.

Eagerly Anticipating... [Hawaii Edition]

1.  Climbing a volcano.

2.  Surfing.
And by surfing I mean swimming with a surf board, because I'll probably stay on that thing for a few nanoseconds.
I can see the headlines now:  "Tourist gets eaten by Lyle the local shark."

3.  Going to a Luau.
Aloha grass skirts and coconuts.

4.  Getting that golden brown tan.  Grin.

5.  Going camera happy.  J.D., B.B. and I are going to have a fabulous time.

Here We Go!

Cuz we're leeaaaaaaaaving on a jet plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane...

All I ask for is a smooth landing.  That's it.

Later

Of all my bad habits, the one that I hate the most is procrastination.
I procrastinate when it comes to the smallest things, and especially when something stresses me out.
It bothers me so much now that I realize it that I constantly procrastinate.

How to outwit this dumb part of me?  I must come up with a plan.

Five Good Things [Memory Lane Edition]

1.  Lounging on a king size bed reading Gone With the Wind whilst listening to the rain and ocean.
2.  Driving on lolling hills exploring Martha's Vineyard.
3.  That horrendously, hilariously, epic FAIL of a parking job in Boston.
4.  FRESH seafood.
5.  Making super awesome memories with my BFF.

Stuck In My Head

1.  Whataya Want From Me- Adam Lambert
At first I liked it, but now it's overplayed, and I want to puke.

2.  Need You Now- Lady Antebullum
When I first saw their name, I thought they were a weird rock band.  Country was FAR from my mind.

3.  Alejandro-  Lady Gaga
Such a catchy tune.  Makes me want to move south.

4.  Bad Romance- Lady Gaga
Again...her tunes are so addictive, but I really don't like the lyrics to this one.

5.  Break Your Heart- Taio Cruz
Catchy tune.  Stupid lyrics.