something borrowed, something blue

now that you've recovered enough from your shock to read this...

yes, that's me in a real, honest wedding dress.

no, today was not my wedding day.

silas, kirsten, jamie, vanessa, beth, bahy, and i went around guelph today filming a video to promote summit. for one of the scenes i got to wear vanessa's beautiful wedding gown. i was kinda scared that i'd do something to it, being the accident-prone person that i am, but it's still white and in one piece! funny, i never thought i'd ever wear an official wedding dress before i was engaged.....or even before i have a boyfriend. hahaha

it was a hilariously fun time. c4cers always make me laugh so hard. (yup i'm using the correct terminology now...) i'm so glad i get to share this year with these people. this is definitely a sign of things to come. going to soak up this year like a dry sponge during a torrential downpour.

last night beth and i had a RO---TIC night. pronounced "roe-tick". romantic without the 'MAN'. get it? isn't that so witty? hehehe compliments of the lovely beth fisher. we chilled out eating ice cream, went to the pub for her ultimate team's season-end partah, and then we went stargazing in the country. ....except we couldn't figure out how to work the telescope. so we saw stars, just not through the telescope. they made it look so easy in "A Walk to Remember"! the moral of the story? boys if you ever try to woo a girl by taking her stargazing...make sure you know how to make the telescope work.

my dearest becky is coming home tomorrow! i'm so excited. ashley got back today, and it was so good to catch up. tis going to be a good year. a good year indeed.

i like salad randomness

1. being in front of a computer for an extended time makes me really cranky and anti-social. i've just realized this.

2. last night i dreamt that i was sean preston's nanny. (fyi: sean preston's the offspring of pop princess britney spears and her hubby k-fed. *shuDDer*) i love babies and i'd love to have a few kids...but THAT was just disturbing.

3. the pages in my nkjv are falling out like leaves during autumn. the more i tape together, the more that falls out.

preach it sistah!

now that i finally have some free time to read blogs to my heart's content, i've started to go through the archives of Solo Femininity by Carolyn McCulley. the good thing about it, is that i'm not reading pure drivel, it's solid stuff. i feel like i should be taking notes. actually i probably will be taking notes soon.

this is an excerpt from carolyn's post "How to be 'Just Friends' When You Want More". click on the link for the full post. the context of this excerpt is that a girl wrote in to ask for advice about a guy that took the "buddy approach" to dating.

And in the future, when a man wants a lot of undefined time with you, you can gently let him know this isn't acceptable though you’re not trying to make it difficult for him or be unkind to him. As a man, his role is to define and lead, and if he is unsure at this point about what that looks like, you could say you are willing to give him the time to decide...but that this will not happen while he's monopolizing your time and affections. That, however, is hard to do graciously. :) But I'm sure that God will be faithful to you to help you find this course and to keep your peace before Him.

Side note to any men reading this answer: Yes, we women are responsible for guarding our hearts and we are often fumbling in this area. But one way you can help us is by clear communication of your intentions at various points in any friendship or dating/courting relationship. Just as godly women try to guard men’s eyes by dressing modestly, godly men can help guard our hearts through clear communication, coupled with the realization that lots of time together and conversation is how our hearts are hooked. I’m not bashing you men here—I like you lot very much and hope to be able to love one man in the near future! But I would appeal to you to avoid the “buddy approach” to dating. By this I mean undefined one-on-one relationships, not group activities with the real goal of cultivating friendship—I’m all for cultivating friendships between brothers and sisters! Though this approach may seem safer at first, it reaps a harvest of habits and hurts that I think most wise, godly men would rather avoid. Finally, I also hope you appreciate that I am urging women to resist bitterness, thereby giving you the opportunity to truly pursue a previous “buddy” in the future IF that’s what you are convinced God is calling you to do. It’s not a “one strike, you’re out” policy in the kingdom of a merciful God. And aren’t we all eternally glad for that?!

hear hear!

i also found this tidbit in one of her responses interesting. it's in response to a man who wrote in to say that the marriage system doesn't work the way it use to. click here for the full article.

As a sister in the Lord, however, I want to encourage you to get out there and pursue! Even if you face rejection, keep trying! It's a masculine form of trusting God, just as the feminine form is to trust Him in the wait.

i wonder if guys see it that way. i've asked a few guys if they would pursue a girl they liked even if she was intimidating. only one guy in my memory responded with a hearty "YEAH!" it never really occurred to me how scary rejection is.

until the cows come home...

relationships, relationships, relationships...

one thing us twenty year olds just can't stop talking about. ah well, might as well sit back and enjoy this ka-razy season of life. instead of waiting until we're middle-aged, married, living in a house with a white picket fence, with 2.5 children, and a pooch, let's just laugh at ourselves now. well i'll just laugh at myself now anyways. so silly.

and i say this with no bitterness.

seriously.

it's so funny. it's like a circus...sort of.

here's the consensus from a Christian viewpoint.
1. marriage is good. [point b]
2. single people should get married unless they're divinely called to a life of celibacy. [point a]
3. guys should take the lead....

that said. here's the diagram of where we are...

[point a]------>---?????????????????????????????????????--->------>[point b]

[????????????????????????]
is the part that people debate about until the cows come home, and they haven't yet....even though i live in guelph. :P it's so fun reading these articles. for your reading pleasure; the articles and the rebuttals.

ok so here's that first one:
Rethinking the Gift of Singleness

here's the theologian's rebuttal:
A Theologian's Take On The Gift of Singleness
the way he addresses the way that the author debbie maken uses scripture to back up her reasoning brings to my mind the verse about how not everyone should assume that they should be teachers. dum dum dum.

and another review of that said book...
30 and Single? It's Your Own Fault"
tsk. harsh title, eh? sounds like something an azn mum would say. "aiiiyah. 30 years old an' still no marry. own fault la! i arrange meeting with auntie so and so's daughter, but you no want. susie is nice girl. you not get younger. i want grandkids!" ahem...so in the review, the author says that one of the reason single women are unmarried is because of the lack of men as shown by a survey, BUT...

survey SAYS
There's Plenty of Men to go Around
*struggling very hard...not to...make...a...crack..about....guelph.*

then there's the lady who suggests pulling a ruth
Pulling a Ruth Part 1
Pulling a Ruth Part 2

so my point? i think we're just going 'round and 'round in circles. but it's fun watching.

what irks me is that some of these articles insinuate that praying and waiting isn't enough. life is complimacated enough as it is. can i not just wait, pray, and trust God to honour that prayer? granted 'tis may be harder for guys as your future wife doesn't have a glowing fuchsia "wife" sign on her forehead to let you know so you can initiate...on second thought maybe it's a good thing. but like honestly what about all those men who had revelations about who they're suppose to marry. i've heard quite a few real life stories. my nose has not been stuck in anne of green gables.

another random tidbit. heard from someone who heard from someone else who heard a missionary who remained single say that God heard her prayers, and God had sent, but the person sent refused to obey. is that valid????

tut tut

solitude and silence

i've been craving solitude of late. and by solitude i mean being away from people and being away from civilization. not that i hate people or that i hate the city, but it's just so refreshing to be by myself, left alone with God and my thoughts, and serene silence. for this reason i wish that i was still in calgary where the mountains are an hour drive away.

i don't know of any place outside of guelph where i could go for a one day nature retreat. that's why i'm really looking forward to summit where i can stay up, looking at the stars on the docks, or rise with the sun in the mornings, watching the mist lift. if you've read the Sacred Romance by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis, you'll know what i mean when i say it's in those times when i can feel the Romance calling out to me. our God is pretty much an awesome God.

backlog: food for thought

been mulling on these two thoughts for a bit.

1. sometimes one of the reasons that people write blogs is to make themselves known to others. regardless of whether this is the primary motive or not, when reading someone's blog you get to know a side of the person. in the same way isn't the Bible sort of like God's blog? He wrote it so we could know Him, and we get to know His Person more by reading it. except He doesn't update it anymore. (much like darren lung, but dlu isn't God. ok this is where the analogy breaks down.)

2. you know how when you're walking around and looking at the things people wear and you go "ouch, i can't believe he/she is wearing that"? (ok this is more for girls than for guys) it's my theory that no one goes out the front door of the house without being ok with what they're wearing...unless the house is burning, but i digress. i think most people leave the house, thinking they're attractively presentable even the person with the lowest self-esteem that slouches, and dresses in sweaters that look like potato sacks. this just blew my mind one day when i was being judgmental about people's sense of fashion. whatever they walk out the door with is what they're ok with; provided with the resources that they have. i.e. selection of clothes. bottomline: beauty or the "lack thereof" REALLY is in the eye of the beholder.

night life

just got back from toronto about ooohhh...20 minutes ago? went into town today to chill with some peeps that i haven't seen since winter conference. awesome time talking, chatting, catching up, and laughing!!! then decided that i would drive back at midnight to avoid toronto traffic. i'm definitely losing the torontonian in me. well at least the torontonian driver in me. i cannot stand driving in that traffic. it's just brutal. it's enough to make me want to pack up and move to saskatchewan just because of kirsten's description of the lack of traffic there. even coming back late at night wasn't that cool. people were gunning it and changing lanes like a madmen.

i was looking forward to enjoying a night drive. it was fun driving around a deserted guelph after i got off the 401. i want to do it more often. there's just somethine serene and peaceful during the hours of 10pm-8am. there's no mad rush to go somewhere or get something done. my heart just feels settled and quiet. a very restful feeling. maybe that explains why i'm struggling to stay awake even though there's nothing to do while my eyelids are leaden with sleep. it's enough to make me want to switch my schedule around.

one thing i learned about myself this summer...i am most definitely NOT a morning person. that's why i'm second cup's best customer.

oh and red bull doesn't work on me. what does that say about my caffiene immunity?

so it begins!

today as of 1:47pm eastern time i've started the process to become campus staff with Campus Crusade for Christ, Canada. this is going to be quite the year. i'm going to relish it. it's exciting to be following God and waiting on Him.

when you trust in Him, the unknown is more like a birthday surprise party than a horrible black pit that you have to watch out for.


pause. fact...sinking...in

i can't believe this is happening.

withdrawal

well it's finally hitting me that rocky mountain project is over, and i'm glad that it has. for awhile i was beginning to think that i really was heartless. i miss people and their quirks. the way they act, the things they say, and the interesting hand gestures. (i.e. simeon) i miss sharing in their lives, being a part of their everyday. now i have to read it from the blogs. 'tis not the same. a rare 3 months that was.

in the land of timmy hos' and swiss chalets

welps, i'm back HOME. in the g. dot. the other cowtown of this beautiful country. and i LOVE it. it's so beautiful and lush here. tis good to be studying at my own university again where i know the nooks and crannies and the best studying spots. currently i am on the first floor looking out the large windows towards johnston hall draped with velvet ivy.

my heart was leaping with joy as i was walking on campus praising God for bringing me here. this is THE best university i could have ever gone to, and i didn't even know it at the time when i made my decision. but He did!!! looove it!

last night was my first night in my new house. nothing's set up and nothing will be set up until my exam's over on the 12th. for now i'll be ekeing out a nomadic existence, living out of suitcases and duffel bags, while sleeping on the floor. good times.

oh life's such an adventure. let's live it up!

p.s. the massive post about banff with a bajillion pictures that will make your jaw drop and video footage of the gondola ride will be posted...later.

the mist clears and the veil lifts

every once in a while, the shocking reality and the truth about this world pierces through the intoxicating fog of materialism, mindless worries, self-centerness, and hedonism that i willingly surround myself with.

saturday night as i was coming back from my one day vacation at banff, i ran into this girl at the c-train station @ 11pm at night. she looked so young, but i didn't want to offend her by asking her age. she put up a tough, independent demeanor, but yet i could see her vulnerability. as i got to know her, my heart went out to her. @ 14 she had divorced parents. that day her dad had been yelling at her because she was late in getting home. on the other hand her mom didn't care at all. i couldn't imagine what messages the actions or the lack thereof of her parents sent her. did she feel unloved? unworthy? ugly? lonely?

that night the veil lifted just a bit and i saw the world beyond my own bubble. there are hurting and broken people out there. "hurt and broken people" wasn't just a cliche anymore, it became manifest in the physical form of a 14 year old girl at Sunnyside station.

yet even as the veil lifted, i was still engrossed with myself. the girl whom i still don't know the name of stayed behind to get picked up by her mom. meanwhile i rushed to get home on the train instead of staying with her and talk to her more. the most i could muster up was to give her a 4 laws and tell her that, that was what got me through my parents' divorce. meanwhile two drunken boys also around 14-15 who had arrived in the midst of our conversation mocked me. "did you find God?" i gave them each a booklet too. i should have stayed, but instead i jumped on the train to go home, and as the train pullled away the veil was slowly dropping again...

sunday morning at church a pastor from the congo was sharing his experiences during the civil war that ravaged the country. as everyone gasped and sat astounded through it all, i sat thinking "this isn't news to me." international development exposed me to plenty of stats, numbers, and facts about the state of the world. it just wasn't shocking anymore. except this meant i was in a worse position than most since i knew about it all, but did nothing. instead i've been justifying myself by thinking i'm poor because i'm living on a student budget. i brushed off the verses in 1st timothy 6:17-19 and attributed it to the white collared professionals that i saw going to work everyday in those tall skyscrapers downtown.

however that's not the truth. that's not the reality. in actuality i am the 761,386,272 richest person in the world out of 6 billion people according to globalrichlist.com i have access to food anytime i want, i have a closet full of clothes, i have running water, i have a car, i have a computer, i'm university educated......there is no way in the world that i am "poor".

God has truly blessed me, and i've failed to be grateful for it.
oh that the veil would not fall again.

always wanted to do this...

pie-eating contest. i lost, but i pied steve and nate in the face GOOD. hahahahaha. oh i love project.

world's longest blog post (maybe)

so much stuff that i wanted to blog about, but i didn't have any time so now i shall blog it all in one huge post.

favour
last week i had to buy paints for christa so that she could paint the backdrop for the end of the year banquet. i had found these four nice quarts of mistints that my boss said i could mistint to any colour. however they were a special brand so i had to get him to give me a reduced sticker for them. i asked him on monday, but he was busy so i thought he forgot. when i asked him again on tuesday, someone brought in a whole shmuck load of them in, and told me to slap 'em on. so i did, but afterwards he told me to take them off. i was baffled. he took those stickers and started to change the price on them from $3 to $5, and i was even more confuddled. instead of putting them on the paints he put those stickers on these rolls and rolls of masking tape. then he went and got a box for the paints, and turned me asked me if i wanted five cans because he was going to give them to me. it didn't hit at first so i just asked for four, but then it clicked and i double-checked with him to be sure that i was hearing right. he GAVE the paints to me because i was part of a non-profit organization!!! praise God for granting me favour in the eyes of my boss!!! best boss i've ever had too.

the end
project ended...so sad. project withdrawal hasn't hit full-forced yet. at first i was thinking that i should have gone back to guelph immediately, but i like this slowly trickling away of people as opposed to the sudden aloneness experienced on both OEX's. it's less shocking. there's still people to chill...although time is still of the essence as i have a brutal exam coming up in 1.5 weeks. please pray for that. i think it'll take a miracle for me to pass. that and hardwork too.

five holes
today i finally got my cartilage pierced! w00t! after wanting one on and off for five years i finally got one, and it was n't done by a stranger either. my dear OEX roomie, Zoe pierced it for me @ Claire's and my roomie from this project natalie was there so i could death grip her hands. it doesn't even hurt as much as lobe piercing, but i did freak out more than i did for the lobe piercing.

something spiritual
this project's really shown me God's providence and wisdom in the way He plans and organizes stuff. i have more reasons to trust in Him and rest in His plans. i love how faithful He is.

excitement
am absolutely and utterly pumped for the guelph ministry this year. i can't wait to get the new year started. although i have been getting nostalgic about leaving. the past three years have flown by. i entered university for the first time a hyperactive, over-emotional 17 year-old. now i enter it for the last time as a somewhat more mellow 20 year-old. a lot of changes have happened in the past 3 years. wowsers.

why worry when you're 60?

here's something i heard in passing at the beginning of project.

"most people don't worry about what will happen to them when they're 60 because by that time whatever could happen has happened." i.e. marriage, divorce, bankruptcy, sickness, deaths, etc...

i would like to adopt this mentality. can't control the future so why worry about it.

not a linear thinker

it seems like every time i have a meeting with someone i have to start by explaining that "i am not a linear thinker". there's these random thoughts floating around in my head that appear related to me, but does not make sense when i verbalize them to someone else so i often end up confusing people. because of this i wish i had wrote more during project, so that i could see the change that God has been doing in me. i should also try to organize my thoughts so that they make more sense to others.

project is ending in two days. i think i'm in denial. it hasn't really sunk in that in two days people are going to be leaving. project housing is going to be emptier, and there's going to be no more food group!!! (i really like food group! socializing+food. what could be better?)that means i'll be eating cup noodles every night since i don't have to cook for anyone and no one has to cook for me either. it's not going to fully hit until i get back to ontario and then it's going to hit hard.

one way i've been trying to deal with it is starting to prepare mentally for the campus ministry next year. i'm getting really pumped about recruiting for project and summit. september is going to be one crazy month. and i am most definitely looking forward to starting my campus for Christ staff application process.

food for thought: rethinking the "gift" of singleness

this is definitely a different take to singleness than what i've read in the past few years. i want thoughts and comments PLEASE!

Rethinking the Gift of Singleness

milestone: first friend's wedding

today i went to flora and anthony's wedding with the lovely napier as my most entertaining date.

this is the first wedding that i've been to where i actually have a relationship with one of the people getting married. wowsers. so it starts

it was a really fun ceremony. not too serious, but not flippant either. you could really tell that flora and anthony were enjoying themselves. loved the fact that they used their wedding ceremony to share the gospel. kudos. oh and the personalized vows were way cool and funny too.

afterwards it was so refreshing to hang out with napes and just talk between the ceremony and the reception. so nice to talk to someone who knew me before project and has a history with me so i don't have to explain every little detail of myself to her. i've been down of late with a melancholy, bland outlook on life, and i really couldn't pinpoint it until i talked to napes where she hit it on the dot; "it's lonely at the top".

although i definitely try to be as real as i can with everyone on project, there's just stuff that people don't get. i miss the network of friends that i had back in guelph. friends that i've gone through thick and thin with who really know me because they've experienced me through different things. friends with history.

i also miss the older wiser people i.e. staff/pastors/pastors wife back at guelph who looked out for me and who guided me. i suppose that project is used to train us in leadership, and that's why staff left. although i thoroughly enjoy directing the project, i don't think God meant us to go through life by ourselves. so i guess i learned the importance of being in a church and not just being involved in a parachurch organization where everyone's the same age.

but! i wonder...is it just me? am i just not trying hard enough? am i doing something wrong? what is this?

being lonely at the top is something i've never experienced before. is this what student interns feel like? this is definitely a learning experience. wow so i totally tangented from the wedding, but i guess this is also a milestone in my leadership training.

back to the wedding. had some good times letting loose and just chatting with last year's RMP peeps; making fun of taryn- telling him how if i was his associate director last year i would've laid the smackdown on him; and of course eating some top-notch chinese food. going to an authentic chinese wedding made me want to really get back to my roots.

flora and anthony are a really cool couple. they're so good for each other. it was really cool to see their spunky personality shine through the games and the speeches. just can't explain it. they've got very open and attractive and fun personalities. may God bless their marriage.

oh and loved the dancing, and i caught my third bouquet.

100th Post

well this is quite the momentous occasion. according to blogspot this is the 100th post.

the past month or so i've been getting cold feet about going into ministry in general. all these doubts started to rise and nag at me, but God's been faithful and patient with me in getting the head knowledge to become heart knowledge.

the three E's, He's been teaching me.

1. EXPERIENCE
to know God is to experience God. when i was reading Case for Faith, it said that Biblically, the word "know" meant to experience someone or something. for example adam didn't just know eve's name and address, he experienced her. this reminded me of the Lord's command to joshua when the israelites were crossing the jordan at flood season. He told joshua to tell the priests to stand in the middle of the river jordon to stop the river. He promised that the water would stop, but the water would only stop once their feet were in the water, but not before. the israelites experienced God's power.

one of my doubts was "Lord will You provide? i need to KNOW for a fact that You will provide."

so in the same way that the israelites were called to step into the river jordon, i hear the Lord saying to me, take that step of faith, step into the river, and experience My Faithfulness. enter into the support raising process, and then see how He will provide. that's living by faith. He's promised; now take a step of faith to experience that promise.

2. ETERNAL PERSPECTIVE
recently we've been studying the book of 1st thessalonians, and we were faced with the question of what we would do if Jesus were to return in a year, or what we would do if we were to die in five years. now this is nothing new. i've heard it before, but it just hit home all the more with trevor's talk on monday. he was talking about how he's striving to make every moment count of the ten years that the doctors give him because of his cystic fibrosis.

3. EXPECTATION
the other day pri said to me how she couldn't wait to see who i'm going to end up marrying with the expectation that of course God's going to provide one really cool dude. but that's not the entire point. the question of marriage still starts with an "if", and a big one at that, but what i really took away from that conversation was to expect really good and cool things from God. not to say life will be picture perfect through and through, but to expect an epic adventure from God. to live by faith moment by moment according to His will is an epic adventure. i'll never know what will happen next or where He'll lead. i've really learned that i can't plan out the future exactly. i can't even plan out the month of august. my summer plans have changed a lot.

so the lesson? live on the edge.

two week notice

two weeks left of project.

one last push. one final power series in DBR jargon. one final hard drive to sprint past and beyond the finish line.

already my heart aches at the thought of leaving; of saying goodbye.

if it was hard saying goodbye after a six week project...how much harder would it be after 3 months together?

but it's cool to see everyone being way more intentional now that we realize the end is coming.

community

so since i've been crippled...

i've had offers to carry me up the stairs if they could...but they can't. it's the thought that counts.

my roommates got me crutches.

people have been running to get the door for me.

myriam lent me her ankle brace and gave me exercises to strengthen my ankle with.

i've also had many people be human crutches.

and many offers of sympathy.

i love community.