why worry when you're 60?

here's something i heard in passing at the beginning of project.

"most people don't worry about what will happen to them when they're 60 because by that time whatever could happen has happened." i.e. marriage, divorce, bankruptcy, sickness, deaths, etc...

i would like to adopt this mentality. can't control the future so why worry about it.

not a linear thinker

it seems like every time i have a meeting with someone i have to start by explaining that "i am not a linear thinker". there's these random thoughts floating around in my head that appear related to me, but does not make sense when i verbalize them to someone else so i often end up confusing people. because of this i wish i had wrote more during project, so that i could see the change that God has been doing in me. i should also try to organize my thoughts so that they make more sense to others.

project is ending in two days. i think i'm in denial. it hasn't really sunk in that in two days people are going to be leaving. project housing is going to be emptier, and there's going to be no more food group!!! (i really like food group! socializing+food. what could be better?)that means i'll be eating cup noodles every night since i don't have to cook for anyone and no one has to cook for me either. it's not going to fully hit until i get back to ontario and then it's going to hit hard.

one way i've been trying to deal with it is starting to prepare mentally for the campus ministry next year. i'm getting really pumped about recruiting for project and summit. september is going to be one crazy month. and i am most definitely looking forward to starting my campus for Christ staff application process.

food for thought: rethinking the "gift" of singleness

this is definitely a different take to singleness than what i've read in the past few years. i want thoughts and comments PLEASE!

Rethinking the Gift of Singleness

milestone: first friend's wedding

today i went to flora and anthony's wedding with the lovely napier as my most entertaining date.

this is the first wedding that i've been to where i actually have a relationship with one of the people getting married. wowsers. so it starts

it was a really fun ceremony. not too serious, but not flippant either. you could really tell that flora and anthony were enjoying themselves. loved the fact that they used their wedding ceremony to share the gospel. kudos. oh and the personalized vows were way cool and funny too.

afterwards it was so refreshing to hang out with napes and just talk between the ceremony and the reception. so nice to talk to someone who knew me before project and has a history with me so i don't have to explain every little detail of myself to her. i've been down of late with a melancholy, bland outlook on life, and i really couldn't pinpoint it until i talked to napes where she hit it on the dot; "it's lonely at the top".

although i definitely try to be as real as i can with everyone on project, there's just stuff that people don't get. i miss the network of friends that i had back in guelph. friends that i've gone through thick and thin with who really know me because they've experienced me through different things. friends with history.

i also miss the older wiser people i.e. staff/pastors/pastors wife back at guelph who looked out for me and who guided me. i suppose that project is used to train us in leadership, and that's why staff left. although i thoroughly enjoy directing the project, i don't think God meant us to go through life by ourselves. so i guess i learned the importance of being in a church and not just being involved in a parachurch organization where everyone's the same age.

but! i wonder...is it just me? am i just not trying hard enough? am i doing something wrong? what is this?

being lonely at the top is something i've never experienced before. is this what student interns feel like? this is definitely a learning experience. wow so i totally tangented from the wedding, but i guess this is also a milestone in my leadership training.

back to the wedding. had some good times letting loose and just chatting with last year's RMP peeps; making fun of taryn- telling him how if i was his associate director last year i would've laid the smackdown on him; and of course eating some top-notch chinese food. going to an authentic chinese wedding made me want to really get back to my roots.

flora and anthony are a really cool couple. they're so good for each other. it was really cool to see their spunky personality shine through the games and the speeches. just can't explain it. they've got very open and attractive and fun personalities. may God bless their marriage.

oh and loved the dancing, and i caught my third bouquet.

100th Post

well this is quite the momentous occasion. according to blogspot this is the 100th post.

the past month or so i've been getting cold feet about going into ministry in general. all these doubts started to rise and nag at me, but God's been faithful and patient with me in getting the head knowledge to become heart knowledge.

the three E's, He's been teaching me.

1. EXPERIENCE
to know God is to experience God. when i was reading Case for Faith, it said that Biblically, the word "know" meant to experience someone or something. for example adam didn't just know eve's name and address, he experienced her. this reminded me of the Lord's command to joshua when the israelites were crossing the jordan at flood season. He told joshua to tell the priests to stand in the middle of the river jordon to stop the river. He promised that the water would stop, but the water would only stop once their feet were in the water, but not before. the israelites experienced God's power.

one of my doubts was "Lord will You provide? i need to KNOW for a fact that You will provide."

so in the same way that the israelites were called to step into the river jordon, i hear the Lord saying to me, take that step of faith, step into the river, and experience My Faithfulness. enter into the support raising process, and then see how He will provide. that's living by faith. He's promised; now take a step of faith to experience that promise.

2. ETERNAL PERSPECTIVE
recently we've been studying the book of 1st thessalonians, and we were faced with the question of what we would do if Jesus were to return in a year, or what we would do if we were to die in five years. now this is nothing new. i've heard it before, but it just hit home all the more with trevor's talk on monday. he was talking about how he's striving to make every moment count of the ten years that the doctors give him because of his cystic fibrosis.

3. EXPECTATION
the other day pri said to me how she couldn't wait to see who i'm going to end up marrying with the expectation that of course God's going to provide one really cool dude. but that's not the entire point. the question of marriage still starts with an "if", and a big one at that, but what i really took away from that conversation was to expect really good and cool things from God. not to say life will be picture perfect through and through, but to expect an epic adventure from God. to live by faith moment by moment according to His will is an epic adventure. i'll never know what will happen next or where He'll lead. i've really learned that i can't plan out the future exactly. i can't even plan out the month of august. my summer plans have changed a lot.

so the lesson? live on the edge.

two week notice

two weeks left of project.

one last push. one final power series in DBR jargon. one final hard drive to sprint past and beyond the finish line.

already my heart aches at the thought of leaving; of saying goodbye.

if it was hard saying goodbye after a six week project...how much harder would it be after 3 months together?

but it's cool to see everyone being way more intentional now that we realize the end is coming.

community

so since i've been crippled...

i've had offers to carry me up the stairs if they could...but they can't. it's the thought that counts.

my roommates got me crutches.

people have been running to get the door for me.

myriam lent me her ankle brace and gave me exercises to strengthen my ankle with.

i've also had many people be human crutches.

and many offers of sympathy.

i love community.

twists and turns

cowboy boots may look really cool, but no one tells you about the perils of wearing them. yesterday i was running to catch the bus in those boots, and i twisted my left ankle. i couldn't walk or touch my foot down for a while after that. i thought that i would walk it off during the day because usually that's how it works, but it didn't. there's even soreness without putting pressure on it.

BUT I'M REALLY HAPPY THAT I TWISTED MY ANKLE!!! because it gives me the much needed rest that i am desperately needing. today i didn't go to work because...well i can't really walk properly so i'm getting some precious downtime and quiet alone in my suite. praise God praise God.

in other news i'm still struggling a lot with the relational evangelism at work. i'm still very discouraged.

*edit*
actually someone did warn me about the perils of running in cowboy boots, zoe. did i listen? noooooo. pride goes before a downfall.

so i went to the doctor, and i'm unfit to work for a week.

about books and things related to books

"one man's garbage is another man's treasure."

thanks to God and pilgrim's books, this summer i've managed to get my paws on "tell it often, tell it well" and "heart to heart about men"; two out of print books highly recommended to me by staff. in terms of book hunting this summer has definitely been a success. w00t!

on another note. i really like bookstores especially chapters and libraries. they're such soothing places except during exam times, but i digress. i've found such a scenic study spot at the mackimmie (do all libbys start with a "mac"?) library here at the U of C. i will miss it. it's a corner spot on the tenth floor with huge windows and a biiiig table where i can totally sprawl out with my books and notes. it's just got an amazing view. i need to bring my camera up here sometime. from my vantage point i can see to the south, downtown calgary with its "skyline" (notice the quotes. i did live in nyc after all.)and rolling foothills with the silhouettes of the rockies to the west. absolutely gorgeous. definitely going to miss it when i return to guelph. sweetest study spot EVER!

and God shows up

everyone dreams of the ultimate evangelism experience; someone coming up to them asking about Jesus.

tonight kathleen and i went to the local wendy's for our one-on-one time. for the first part we were just debriefing about previous events and just getting updated. then in the latter half we started to do our daily devotion together for training and ...well because we both kinda skipped out today. as we were discussing hebrews 11:8-16 (which so happened to be about living in faith...i'll tell you more later)i noticed that the man who was sitting right next to us starting to take an interest in our conversation. out of the corner of my eye i kept seeing him peering over at us. then after awhile kathleen looked over at him and he apologized for interrupting and started talking about how amazing it was to see girls in the west (he's from india) being so interested in God, religion, and spirituality. so i shared a very patchy version of my testimony with him, and we talked to him for a good hour about spirituality. in the end we had to leave because we were kicked out by the wendy's crew. but before we left we got a chance to invite him out to our Jesus film movie night, and he actually said to us that he'd like to learn more of what the Bible says!!! praise God!!!

it was a totally divine appointment because of so many reasons.
1. it just so happened that we were at wendy's at the same time, in the same area when there were only two or three tables taken when he sat down.
2. it just so happened that tonight was the night i was prompted to do a devotion with kathleen instead of something else.
3. it just so happened that we actually did go to wendy's because i was just there like 5 hours ago for another one-on-one, and i was contemplating not going.
4. it just so happened that today i prayed "Lord if You give me an opportunity, i'll share. i'll really share. just give me an opportunity."
5. it just so happened last night that we had a talk about relying on God, on His power to do things, and going in the Spirit..
totally Holy Spirit led tonight. whoa.

it was really really encouraging because:
1. i was really tired of not getting anywhere at work with spiritual conversations. i was starting to force them.
2. for the past week and a bit, my faith has been shaken in trusting God to provide for me, take care of me, and His ability to guide me through tough times, and this man's faith in a god, really challenged me. i don't think that he's wrong in believing that God has brought him through his life even if he doesn't quite know this God yet. i believe that God also brought him through the trials to bring him to canada for a reason.

so i am still awestruck right now. God answers prayers. He's real. He's REAL.

enough

"if the cross of Jesus Christ is not enough for you, then nothing will ever be enough."

that line hit like a ton a brick this sunday at church. God has really been challenging me on the mini idols in my life that i go towards to make myself feel better instead of going to Him. it's been like the theme of project this summer. also because our first Bible study was on it.

we had our second retreat two weekends ago, and God showed up. you just had to be there, experiencing it to fully understand. and boy does He ever answer prayer.

PRAYER REQUESTS
~ that God would increase and we would decrease as we learn to rely on Him to pull through the final stretch
~ time management and energy. these two seem to be intertwined
~ that everyone would have refreshing quiet times
~ wisdom and insight for me! sometimes i feel like i'm overlooking stuff

you know how...

you never really appreciate something or someone until it's gone or at least threatened?

well i never really truly realized how much i prized my singleness and the freedom to choose until sunday.

mum calls me up for our weekly phone date, and i'm really distracted because i have a hard assignment due in about 5 hours. so i'm uh-huhing and mhmmming and straight out telling her that i needed to go. meanwhile on the other end she's telling me about vacation plans. how it'd be nice to fly out to washington state the same day that i get into new york from toronto to visit her old friend. it'd be a nice vacation she says. in my distracted state, vague visions of oceans, mountains, and trees popped so i agreed. never really been on a family summer vacation. then came the clincher.

auntie so and so wants you to meet this boy.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!

he's just like you. came from China when he was 5 or 6. can't read chinese. he's very tall.

i mean i know we've joked about setting me up and everything, but this time she's actually half serious. apparently she really does mean it when she says that she's been telling my aunties to keep an eye out. i find this half-amusing and half-disturbing. I DON'T WANT TO BE SET UP. by anyone other than God that is. it's just....ugh. and i'm only 20 for pete's sake! it'd be normal for an asian mom if my biological clock was running out, but that's not for another 15 years! and even then i don't think i would submit to it. ugh. somewhat funny and somewhat disturbing.

salvation is free, but not cheap

lately i've been very frustrated with work and with myself. i feel like i've hit a brick wall in terms of discussing spiritual things with my co-workers. it's different sharing my faith relationally than during randoms. i don't know what to say anymore, and the stuff that i do say doesn't seem to make any sense to them...or even to me sometimes. so i go around feeling like i have frogs in my throat.

i get update letters from friends, and i feel like a lukewarm christian. here they are on fire for God, and i'm ready to withdraw into my shell. i know it's not good to compare...period. there's thoughts that tell me that i'm not up to par, but honestly who is. i've struggled with legalism all my life. i've had these thoughts all my christian life. "you need to pull your act together and do more." this time though another thought counteracts it, "i can't pay the price. i can never pay the price. *panic* but Jesus has. *relief*" salvation is free, but not cheap. but there's still this gnawing feeling that i'm not giving my all, that i'm not going hard enough. maybe i'm just not being efficient.

i want to pray and goodness knows there's a billion things to pray for, but then there's all these other details that i have to look after. life is busy. project is busier. argh...

i want to share, but sometimes i do wonder if people aren't better just left to their self-deceived lives. i mean they seem to enjoy it, and they don't really want to hear about the gospel. but i suppose the focus then is on this side of eternity and not on the other. oh so easy to say, so hard to apply.

so i guess this is what stretching is, eh? it's more of an annoying push than a painful rip. i thought He'd just stretch without me doing anything, but with this prodding, i have to respond to it. oh gee.

a divine appointment with politics

saturday was a day of outreach. the 26 of us were split up into 4 teams and sent out into the city of calgary. my team was sent downtown to do some mall and street evangelism. i have to admit that it was totally out of my comfort zone as i was leading the team and had to lead out in evangelism. i would have much preferred to have followed someone. we went for two rounds of one hour and one and a half hour each with a lunch break in between to share and brief each other.

during round two i went with kathleen one of the girls that i'm discipling, and after our first conversation she led out in approaching people and initiating conversations with them. the first person that she approached was a middle aged gentleman just getting to eat his subway. in my head i sort of freaked out because he was a guy (even though we had just talked to guys)and he was older. when we explained to him what we were doing he started questioning us about which organization we were with, and that made me even more on edge. i was going "uh-oh" in my head, and was bracing myself for a hard conversation. i could feel a bit of tension, but then as soon as he found out we were christians with crusade all the tension was gone.

he was all excited about what we were doing because he was a born again christian too. then he proceeded to tell us that he was one of prime minister stephen harper's personal advisors!!! it was really encouraging to talk to him about everything that was going on at parliament hill. he told us that there's more christians involved in government now. how there's been an increase in MPs. he told us that the PM was just a regular joe like us on a journey, very down to earth, grounded, and non-elitist. we asked him for prayer requests, prayed for him, and he prayed for us. he was so enthusiastic about the ministry that crusade is doing that i asked him if he would consider joining my support team in the future if i were to join CCC staff. it was WAY cool.

the moment of truth

i am co-directing the project with dave rennalls (mac). :) please pray for wisdom and discernment for us.

rare moment

amy and i went jogging all the way up to nose hill tonight. (nose hill is the largest prairie preserve i think) when we got to the top we saw deer grazing. we were literally 30 feet away from one that just bounded across our trail. we stood there watching them watch us. they tried to smell us, but we were downwind. it was funny as they started to sniff or should i say snort at us. at first amy thought they were trying to figure us out, but then she thought there was also the possibility that they were warning us to stay away, which is a lot scarier. in the end they left us first so we turned and went back home.

horsing around

in keeping with the animal sayings from beth's blog. i really learned the definition of "keeping a short/tight rein" on something or someone. we went horseback riding this weekend on trails. at first i gave my horse at least 3 feet of rein, but it was quite the feisty horse so by the end i had shortened it to 1.5 feet to regain more control of it.

it was a really tall horse. i was so high off the ground. i thought i was going to freak out, but once i got on it didn't seem that bad. i got nervous when it started moving when we were just waiting for the others to get saddled, but that was just silly. horses are suppose to move.

i felt very epic riding on that horse in the forest. it was like i was in the Last of the Mohicans. i kept looking through the trees to see if anyone was there to ambush us. :P

trotting was extremely ticklish. i couldn't stop laughing everytime that we started trotting. i would realy like to gallop one day though. that would be so cool. just flying on top of a horse, pounding away. it would require a lot of balance. my respect for jockeys just went up that much. imagine being on a thoroughbred that's bolting out of the gates. yikes.

milestone

over the weekend i learned how to start a fire from scratch. and by scratch i mean....from embers. it was really frustrating to learn at first. i sat in front of the stove for an hour inhaling smoke, watching newspaper blazing into flame and dying just as quickly. we had no dry kindling so the logs wouldn't catch. i gave up went to sleep, and then woke up 2 hours later to try again, this time with more incentive because i was freezing. by 4am though the log inside the stove had dried up significantly so that it did catch fire. huzzah!

lessons learned:
1. dry wood is VERY important
2.perseverance pays off

my question is...if we go on a canoe trip and it pours, where are we going to get dry wood? do we lug it around? but that would mean less food. it's a catch-22. sort of. i get to paddle in the rain, but then when we set up camp we're going to sit around like wet cats. but then if it doesn't rain...it's not that challenging paddling.

he said, she said

survey says...

things that the opposite gender should know about male/female relationships
he said:
1. don't be too friendly
2. don't assume stuff (i.e. either nothing's going to happen or something's going to happen)
3. be conscious of physical posture

she said:
1. chivalry does not need an occasion.
2. don't dump on girls emotionally. (i.e. tell her deep emotional stuff)
3. treat girls like girls
(this part i had to pull from memory since i figured i didn't need to know it since i'm a girl, but for all the guys out there...)

how the opposite gender can be a stumbling block
she said:
1. physically (i.e. touching and gun shows)
2. too much one on one time
3. special attention (i.e. singling out in a crowd or doing something that one would not normally do for other girls)

he said:
1. immodest clothing
2. flirting
3. attention-seeking

how one can best serve the brothers/sisters in Christ

he said:
1.challenge poor communication
2. be straightfoward

she said:
....
again i didn't write this one down.
i think straightfowardness would be appreciated too.

from the survey results i was really surprised that a most of the guys knew a lot about the stuff that throws girls off.
ho-humm...

project role assignments are coming out thursday. i already know mine, but we've all been sworn to secrecy so until thursday...toodle-loo

one small piece of paper

project retreat survey.
one small piece of paper. so much to say.

1. what are three things you would tell the opposite sex about male/female interactions?
2. what do men do that causes women to stumble?
3. what do women do that causes men to stumble?
4. how should your brother/sister treat you to better serve you as a brother/sister in Christ?

finally.
a chance to vent those frustrations and share those thoughts. i bet the guys have them too.
but how do you fit hours upon hours of girl talk into one teeny tiny piece of paper?
we shall see.

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saw "Bif Naked" tonight.
"space man oh space man..."