you know how...

you never really appreciate something or someone until it's gone or at least threatened?

well i never really truly realized how much i prized my singleness and the freedom to choose until sunday.

mum calls me up for our weekly phone date, and i'm really distracted because i have a hard assignment due in about 5 hours. so i'm uh-huhing and mhmmming and straight out telling her that i needed to go. meanwhile on the other end she's telling me about vacation plans. how it'd be nice to fly out to washington state the same day that i get into new york from toronto to visit her old friend. it'd be a nice vacation she says. in my distracted state, vague visions of oceans, mountains, and trees popped so i agreed. never really been on a family summer vacation. then came the clincher.

auntie so and so wants you to meet this boy.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!

he's just like you. came from China when he was 5 or 6. can't read chinese. he's very tall.

i mean i know we've joked about setting me up and everything, but this time she's actually half serious. apparently she really does mean it when she says that she's been telling my aunties to keep an eye out. i find this half-amusing and half-disturbing. I DON'T WANT TO BE SET UP. by anyone other than God that is. it's just....ugh. and i'm only 20 for pete's sake! it'd be normal for an asian mom if my biological clock was running out, but that's not for another 15 years! and even then i don't think i would submit to it. ugh. somewhat funny and somewhat disturbing.

salvation is free, but not cheap

lately i've been very frustrated with work and with myself. i feel like i've hit a brick wall in terms of discussing spiritual things with my co-workers. it's different sharing my faith relationally than during randoms. i don't know what to say anymore, and the stuff that i do say doesn't seem to make any sense to them...or even to me sometimes. so i go around feeling like i have frogs in my throat.

i get update letters from friends, and i feel like a lukewarm christian. here they are on fire for God, and i'm ready to withdraw into my shell. i know it's not good to compare...period. there's thoughts that tell me that i'm not up to par, but honestly who is. i've struggled with legalism all my life. i've had these thoughts all my christian life. "you need to pull your act together and do more." this time though another thought counteracts it, "i can't pay the price. i can never pay the price. *panic* but Jesus has. *relief*" salvation is free, but not cheap. but there's still this gnawing feeling that i'm not giving my all, that i'm not going hard enough. maybe i'm just not being efficient.

i want to pray and goodness knows there's a billion things to pray for, but then there's all these other details that i have to look after. life is busy. project is busier. argh...

i want to share, but sometimes i do wonder if people aren't better just left to their self-deceived lives. i mean they seem to enjoy it, and they don't really want to hear about the gospel. but i suppose the focus then is on this side of eternity and not on the other. oh so easy to say, so hard to apply.

so i guess this is what stretching is, eh? it's more of an annoying push than a painful rip. i thought He'd just stretch without me doing anything, but with this prodding, i have to respond to it. oh gee.

a divine appointment with politics

saturday was a day of outreach. the 26 of us were split up into 4 teams and sent out into the city of calgary. my team was sent downtown to do some mall and street evangelism. i have to admit that it was totally out of my comfort zone as i was leading the team and had to lead out in evangelism. i would have much preferred to have followed someone. we went for two rounds of one hour and one and a half hour each with a lunch break in between to share and brief each other.

during round two i went with kathleen one of the girls that i'm discipling, and after our first conversation she led out in approaching people and initiating conversations with them. the first person that she approached was a middle aged gentleman just getting to eat his subway. in my head i sort of freaked out because he was a guy (even though we had just talked to guys)and he was older. when we explained to him what we were doing he started questioning us about which organization we were with, and that made me even more on edge. i was going "uh-oh" in my head, and was bracing myself for a hard conversation. i could feel a bit of tension, but then as soon as he found out we were christians with crusade all the tension was gone.

he was all excited about what we were doing because he was a born again christian too. then he proceeded to tell us that he was one of prime minister stephen harper's personal advisors!!! it was really encouraging to talk to him about everything that was going on at parliament hill. he told us that there's more christians involved in government now. how there's been an increase in MPs. he told us that the PM was just a regular joe like us on a journey, very down to earth, grounded, and non-elitist. we asked him for prayer requests, prayed for him, and he prayed for us. he was so enthusiastic about the ministry that crusade is doing that i asked him if he would consider joining my support team in the future if i were to join CCC staff. it was WAY cool.

the moment of truth

i am co-directing the project with dave rennalls (mac). :) please pray for wisdom and discernment for us.

rare moment

amy and i went jogging all the way up to nose hill tonight. (nose hill is the largest prairie preserve i think) when we got to the top we saw deer grazing. we were literally 30 feet away from one that just bounded across our trail. we stood there watching them watch us. they tried to smell us, but we were downwind. it was funny as they started to sniff or should i say snort at us. at first amy thought they were trying to figure us out, but then she thought there was also the possibility that they were warning us to stay away, which is a lot scarier. in the end they left us first so we turned and went back home.

horsing around

in keeping with the animal sayings from beth's blog. i really learned the definition of "keeping a short/tight rein" on something or someone. we went horseback riding this weekend on trails. at first i gave my horse at least 3 feet of rein, but it was quite the feisty horse so by the end i had shortened it to 1.5 feet to regain more control of it.

it was a really tall horse. i was so high off the ground. i thought i was going to freak out, but once i got on it didn't seem that bad. i got nervous when it started moving when we were just waiting for the others to get saddled, but that was just silly. horses are suppose to move.

i felt very epic riding on that horse in the forest. it was like i was in the Last of the Mohicans. i kept looking through the trees to see if anyone was there to ambush us. :P

trotting was extremely ticklish. i couldn't stop laughing everytime that we started trotting. i would realy like to gallop one day though. that would be so cool. just flying on top of a horse, pounding away. it would require a lot of balance. my respect for jockeys just went up that much. imagine being on a thoroughbred that's bolting out of the gates. yikes.

milestone

over the weekend i learned how to start a fire from scratch. and by scratch i mean....from embers. it was really frustrating to learn at first. i sat in front of the stove for an hour inhaling smoke, watching newspaper blazing into flame and dying just as quickly. we had no dry kindling so the logs wouldn't catch. i gave up went to sleep, and then woke up 2 hours later to try again, this time with more incentive because i was freezing. by 4am though the log inside the stove had dried up significantly so that it did catch fire. huzzah!

lessons learned:
1. dry wood is VERY important
2.perseverance pays off

my question is...if we go on a canoe trip and it pours, where are we going to get dry wood? do we lug it around? but that would mean less food. it's a catch-22. sort of. i get to paddle in the rain, but then when we set up camp we're going to sit around like wet cats. but then if it doesn't rain...it's not that challenging paddling.

he said, she said

survey says...

things that the opposite gender should know about male/female relationships
he said:
1. don't be too friendly
2. don't assume stuff (i.e. either nothing's going to happen or something's going to happen)
3. be conscious of physical posture

she said:
1. chivalry does not need an occasion.
2. don't dump on girls emotionally. (i.e. tell her deep emotional stuff)
3. treat girls like girls
(this part i had to pull from memory since i figured i didn't need to know it since i'm a girl, but for all the guys out there...)

how the opposite gender can be a stumbling block
she said:
1. physically (i.e. touching and gun shows)
2. too much one on one time
3. special attention (i.e. singling out in a crowd or doing something that one would not normally do for other girls)

he said:
1. immodest clothing
2. flirting
3. attention-seeking

how one can best serve the brothers/sisters in Christ

he said:
1.challenge poor communication
2. be straightfoward

she said:
....
again i didn't write this one down.
i think straightfowardness would be appreciated too.

from the survey results i was really surprised that a most of the guys knew a lot about the stuff that throws girls off.
ho-humm...

project role assignments are coming out thursday. i already know mine, but we've all been sworn to secrecy so until thursday...toodle-loo

one small piece of paper

project retreat survey.
one small piece of paper. so much to say.

1. what are three things you would tell the opposite sex about male/female interactions?
2. what do men do that causes women to stumble?
3. what do women do that causes men to stumble?
4. how should your brother/sister treat you to better serve you as a brother/sister in Christ?

finally.
a chance to vent those frustrations and share those thoughts. i bet the guys have them too.
but how do you fit hours upon hours of girl talk into one teeny tiny piece of paper?
we shall see.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
saw "Bif Naked" tonight.
"space man oh space man..."

final fantasy vii: advent children

at last...the long awaited sequel to ffvii. it just goes to show that patience does pay off. i had given up hope that they would ever actually make a sequel to ffvii, but they did! highly enjoyable movie...well at least for the ffvii buffs. (non-gamers can appreciate the graphics) so fun to dive back into the world of ffvii again. wheeeeeeeee~

but still times have changed. there was a time where i thought that i could never ever live without final fantasy role playing games (rpgs), where life was school and rpgs. here's my post secret: i use to have THE hugest crush on cloud AND sephiroth. (the main protagonist and antagonist of ffvii) video games were definitely idols back in high school. now it's like "meh". they're fun, there's no doubt about that, but i can live without them. just goes to show that whatever idol i think i can't let go of...i can in Christ's strength. same thing with anime. i'm so apathetic towards it now. there are better things to do. the whole lizard analogy from the Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis comes to mind.

"summer nights"

personally i think life would be really cool if it was a musical or better yet...bollywood. that would rawk. imagine bursting into song and dance in the middle of the day or night. it would be so much fun.

the scent of dbr/summer

summer smells like sunscreen (spf 60+ are the best!), grass, lake water, and boys' deodorant. in other words, dragonboat racing.

all those smells are associated with dragonboat racing in my mind, which in turn means summer to me. when i'm racing i always smell sunscreen because it's just slathered on. the grass and lake water is self-explanatory especially when paddling in lake ontario. as for the boys' deordorant it's because the boys always put boatloads of it on after practices and races. it smells nice...to a certain degree. actually i don't know if it's deordorant or cologne. i think maybe both, but i digress.

tis sad though this is the second summer i go dbr teamless. well my team doesn't exist anymore. summer dragons is no more, and i have very little hope that it's going to be revived. such good times we had. i always had hope there will be more carefree summers like those two, but i'm starting to think that's another chapter of life that's closed. well at least i can still smell sunscreen.

tis the first summer that i've missed the toronto international dbr festival in five years. no free shampoo/tide this year. but i bet the UC waterdragons would still win the university cup. they never let me down.

why'd do i have to choose such a team-oriented sport? all the other team sports regardless of what it is you can still play by yourself or with a limited amount of players, but with dragonboat there is no way. you need that huge honking boat and the 21 other people. if 21 of my friends would invest $150 each, five hours of their lives a week, and put themselves at my mercy i could have a team going and i'd be ecstatic.

one of the girls on project told me about a corporate team her company's forming and i totally went berserk. i think i freaked her out. i actually belted out "if dragonboat was a man i'd marry it." in public. um..hahaha. but with the busyness of project, work, and school there's no way i could join. sad.

i'd move to BC just so i could dragonboat all year long except it perpetually rains there. so the point of this rambling post is that i very much miss dragonboating. very much so.

signs that i have been in guelph for far too long

~on the first day of project i kept marveling at the number of azns on project. (around 25%) this was reminiscent of frosh week. ("ohmigosh there's so many white people!") oh the irony.
~resulting in the fact that the first impression that i made on my chinese roomie from t.o. was that i was "white".
~T&T (THE chinese supermarket) was THE only place that i really wanted to visit after arriving in calgary.
~the lyrics "heaven, i'm in heaven" was on repeat in my head while i was strolling through T&T.
~i got excited over seeing chinese pastries and well...everything in T&T in general.
~after being spoiled by a car i was still willing to trek to T&T on the c-train even though it was a two hour trip round-way.
~i'm still surprised at the different accents that i hear at work.
~i didn't think that i needed to bring a rice cooker to calgary not because i thought others were going to bring it, but that i wasn't going to use it. *shock*
~i think calgary is multricultural. this coming from the girl who lived in t.o.

overall conclusion? living in guelph has whitewashed me enough so that now i'm BI-cultural. i'm not a complete banana. NEVER! i still have jay chow on itunes, but now i feel like fish in water in both cultures whereas three years ago i was so initimidated by caucasians.

on a similar note what is it with men thinking they can "impress" by saying stuff in a girl's mother tongue? ok fine...it's impressive when they can quote tang poems or something, but today this middle-aged man poked his face into mine, grilled me on my ethnic background, and proceeded to say "i love you" in mandarin. GROSS! hellooo? personal space?!?! i don't even know what he was trying to do. show off? ego-boost? no clue, but it was creepy.

i think it's totally cool when people are seriously trying to get to know the language and the culture for whatever reason (i.e. OEX/stint/ICS/general interest in certain country), and i have the utmost respect for "eggs" (white on the outside, yellow on the inside). you know caucasians who can sing jay chow, honestly at least have a basic understanding of the culture and aren't just posers. that i'm impressed by, and it's totally cool to be talesamo'ing with oexers/stinters, but despite what "yellow fever" says girls don't dig it when their mother language is butchered in a sleazy attempt to "impress" or "pick up". ugh what's with middle-age men? mid-life crisis? eww...there that's my rant of the day. i'm still shuddering.

your average run of the mill day

well project is in full swing now. i'm really blessed to have landed a sweet job with uber nice co-workers at home depot. at first i was a teeny bit disappointed that i didn't get placed at cash like i was suppose to, but paints is so much more fun. by the end of the summer i'll have enough knowledge to revamp a house and some strong arms from lifting those paints.

my co-workers are so nice and helpful. i'm always asking them questions and they are so patient with me in showing me the ropes. today i was sick, and they were always asking after how i felt. the only downside about work is the early wake-up call. i don't know if i'll ever get use to it.

but work is more than work it's a life lesson. it's different being at the receiving end of people's attitudes and selfishness. it's made me realize how much of an impact my attitudes and my selfishness have had and will have on people. i'm so used to throwing my attitude around and expecting others to just deal with it. it sucks to be on the receiving end of a bad attitude though, and i definitely don't want to be dishing it out anymore. it's good practice at work for Spirit-filled living especially when i'm half awake.

i'm usually pooped and cranky by the time i get home. but the project community cheers me up. it's awesome to be walking towards the rez from the subway station knowing that i'll be greeted by an awesome, bubbling community. i have a lot of fun with my roommmates randomly bursting into song, dance, and shakespeare. i just want to soak it all up.

two weeks

if rocky mountain project was just this past two weeks it would have been worth it. had outreach with band, the contact www.thecontact.ca tonight. amazing band.

mad props to mums everywhere and especially my mum as tomorrow's mother's day. seeing mums take care of kids makes me really appreciate all the hard work involved with being a mum. tis a full-time job and then some.

quick update

calgary is awesome. i'm having a blast here. i love the fact that i'm living in rez again. got a GREAT job @ home depot in the paints department. i feel like i'm on trading spaces. project is so cool. the community is rawking. am extremely tired and busy already! got sucked into christian chick lit. finished 3 books within the span of a weekend. 2 chick lit, 1 da vinci code. we have internet. hiked up nose hill yesterday and picked a bouquet of wild flowers. life is good.

lost by a bagel

Today was the third day (this was written two days ago) of Rocky Mountain Project Orientation. I have no internet connection so I’m typing this on my laptop in Microsoft Word. Handwriting this would be so tedious, but I do want to remember it. We had training for the first half of the day in evangelism, bible study, and conflict resolution. Such good training. I felt like my brain was a sponge trying to soak it all up. It was sorta like Winter Conference all over again. Except this will last for the next three months….If this is a sign of things to come, then… WOW.

The second half of the day we were split up into teams of six for the first annual Rocky Mountain Project Amazing Race. I was a proud member of team number four, affectionately known as the “Fantastic Fours”. We had a bit of a rocky start because I bumbled and thought we were going to the University of Calgary when we should have been headed NorthWest to Dalhousie station when the clue said “a university name”. It was fun trekking or should I say dashing across the city to all the different checkpoints.

We were in good shape at the beginning, coming in third. By the last checkpoint we were first. When we left the final checkpoint we were one subway ride ahead of everyone else, but alas there was a catch. Dinner needed to be eaten in order to win the race. Heading to the nearest Wendy’s, after we got off the C-train, we faced a lineup that seemed to last forever. We tried getting to the front of the line without any luck so we decided to boot it to the nearest Co-op to get something…anything. And the first “anything” that we grabbed was a six-pack of bagels, which we proceeded to shove into our mouths as we ran off to the finish line. We reached the finish line with the bagels still 90% undigested. The staff were adamant that we finish our “dinner” as they stood us out of the way to finish our bagels while waiting for the other teams to arrive. Some were helpful, encouraging us to chew and swallow. Others heckled good-naturely, pushing our buttons, while keeping a watchful eyes on the bagel bits that were falling on the ground….Ok so I tried to cheat. I lack good sportsmanship.

Sharing half a small nalgene bottle of water between the six of us, we chewed, gagged, and sometimes swallowed our one bagel, hoping that no one would show up, but someone did. The underdog. The last team to the first checkpoint. The second team to arrive, but the first to have had eaten their dinner. So the Fantastic Fours lost….by a bagel. I’ve hated bagels before this, and I’ve never hated them more. It’s just as bad as trying to eat saltine crackers really fast.

a tribute to our stellar grads

yesterday i had to say six goodbyes (eight if you count the repeats) to our grads. today i had to say yet another one. my heart just felt heavier and heavier after each successive goodbye. it was like compounding interest, but in this case compounding sadness. why feel sad you ask? they're the ones leaving, not you. yeah, but i'm the one being left behind. it's like watching your older brothers and sisters go off to university without you and leaving you alone at home.

To The Grads
and that's exactly what you grads were and are; brothers and sisters. you weren't just your average run of the mill friends. you weren't even just good friends. you were more than that. you were the siblings that i never had. the siblings that i've always wanted. the siblings that God has blessed me with through my relationship with Christ.

i was totally intimidated and terrified by all of you when i first met you gals and guys because you were and still are the "cool older kids", but you welcomed me into the crusade community with open arms and you became my family. thank you. :)

gals you were the older, wiser sisters that listened and sympathized when i was going through tough times. so many times you lent an listening ear. you gave hugs, squeezed my hands, and prayed for me. you gave great advice. you were the ones i had girl talks with, dressed up with, and had dance parties with.

guys you were the older, wise(crack) brothers that joked, teased, and annoyed. :D but you also looked out for me and not just in terms of flying balls that were heading for me. you were encouraging in sports, in ministry, and in life. my brothas from anotha motha.

all together you guys and gals were the ones that i admired,looked up to, and followed. you all set excellent examples of godliness for me and everyone else to emulate. your passion for and dedication to the Lord were evident and contagious. you guys held down the fort through the thick and thin. you've been faithful and courageous through all the campaigns and perhaps something even harder...the monotony of everyday life. but then again it was never that monotonous with you guys and gals around. all of you have your own unique, hilarious, sometimes...a bit insane sense of humour and wit. i have the utmost respect for every one of you.

we've had some unforgetful times together:
I Agree With Graydon
Euchre Tourneys (despite the cheating and fisher winning almost every time :P)
Porn Nation
Pranks (chickens, peanut butter, door numbers, evergeen trees, etc...)
Ravi (pronounced with a lisp)
Projects ("these are fajitas?"/ "i think...maybe")
Summit
Winter Conference (the short shorts were somewhat traumatizing)
Halloween Parties
Movie Nights At Someone's House
A&W + Movie Nights
East Side's
Sardines
Pep Rallies
Intramurals (back two! front one! spread!)
BBQ's
Sports Games
Games Nights
Random Times at the Stairs and in the Club's Office
and the list can go on and on...

you were all here since my beginning. you've all impacted my life in some way, shape, or form. you've definitely left a legacy here at Guelph. but now it's just going to be plain weird without you grads here. i can't imagine sitting at the stairs or in the clubs' office without ever seeing you guys in there again with your books and bags. the lack of your presence will be keenly felt. you're all going to be sorely missed. you peeps mean a lot to me. we've had some great times, but things are going to be SO different now. that's why goodbyes are so hard because it's never ever going to be the same again. ay there's the rub.

i'm so proud of all of you, and so excited to see where God's going to take you. i love you all and i'm going to miss every single one of y'all. i'll be praying for you. God Bless!

out of the heart the fingers type

does God care about our blogs? emails? instant messages? facebook? what does God think about them? what does our blogs, emails, instant messages, and online persona reflect about us and our hearts as Christians? it's about an hour long, but i highly recommend Out of the Heart of the Fingers Type. it's very convicting. heh. especially the part about wise usage of time. i can definitely relate to that guy JJ's testimony. i spent way too much time in the blogosphere. luckily going on project automatically means a hiatus away from the internet community, but things will have to change once september rolls around too.

inflatable furniture

it is in my opinion that it would be practical and wise for me as a single woman to invest in inflatable furniture. ones that you can blow up and deflate within minutes. ones that don't require heavy lifting. ones that are brightly coloured in shades of neon pink, orange, and green...perhaps with huge white daisies attached as well. ones that i can move by myself! really all this wood stuff is overrated.

ok all joking aside, this moving business has made me realize some things. one, that it actually isn't that bad of an idea to buy furniture that collapse, fold easily, and are light. i'm thinking aluminum. ikea comes to mind, but boooy their stuff is BRUTAL when it comes to assembly. you need like a translator for those instructions. they make no sense whatsoever! i'm really thankful for the bed that i have because you can take it apart and put it together in minutes very easily. it makes it lighter to move even though it is wood. no complicated "insert B2 into C2, attach H, Z, and J to P, K, L. oh and that black 'useless' piece of plastic that you just threw out? that was 'H'". doh!

two, that i am practically grown up! i was throwing a pity party for yours truly thinking "oh maannn, i don't have my parents to help me moooooove and other kiids dooooo. life in general should just cut me some slack and throw me a bone. woe is meeeeeeeeeeeee." then it hit, "hello? what do you think living on your own and being grown up means, exactly? this is it. suck it up buttercup." helllooooo life.

there were quite a few times this morning when i wished i was a big guy with huge guns with a huge pickup truck so i could move myself easily. but i don't really want to be a man. that was just pride i think. i take pride in my own self-sufficiency and i don't like being dependent on other people. but God doesn't like anything "self-[insert something here]" in our lives. so here we go another stripping of the ol' pride.

funny though how it'd be ok if my parents were to help me move, but not if i have to ask friends because it would be "ma fan" (inconvenient/troublesome/etc) for them whereas with the parentals it's "expected". man i take my parents for granted way too much.