salvation is free, but not cheap

lately i've been very frustrated with work and with myself. i feel like i've hit a brick wall in terms of discussing spiritual things with my co-workers. it's different sharing my faith relationally than during randoms. i don't know what to say anymore, and the stuff that i do say doesn't seem to make any sense to them...or even to me sometimes. so i go around feeling like i have frogs in my throat.

i get update letters from friends, and i feel like a lukewarm christian. here they are on fire for God, and i'm ready to withdraw into my shell. i know it's not good to compare...period. there's thoughts that tell me that i'm not up to par, but honestly who is. i've struggled with legalism all my life. i've had these thoughts all my christian life. "you need to pull your act together and do more." this time though another thought counteracts it, "i can't pay the price. i can never pay the price. *panic* but Jesus has. *relief*" salvation is free, but not cheap. but there's still this gnawing feeling that i'm not giving my all, that i'm not going hard enough. maybe i'm just not being efficient.

i want to pray and goodness knows there's a billion things to pray for, but then there's all these other details that i have to look after. life is busy. project is busier. argh...

i want to share, but sometimes i do wonder if people aren't better just left to their self-deceived lives. i mean they seem to enjoy it, and they don't really want to hear about the gospel. but i suppose the focus then is on this side of eternity and not on the other. oh so easy to say, so hard to apply.

so i guess this is what stretching is, eh? it's more of an annoying push than a painful rip. i thought He'd just stretch without me doing anything, but with this prodding, i have to respond to it. oh gee.